Lied to T in session last night, only told her half truth today

What is wrong with me?
I am up really high then crash and burn really hard.
I figured last night I would just go w/ my steel protective wall surrounding myself because I cannot afford to be hurt anymore from anyone.
Still feeling the pain from when T said last week whn I was having really bad thoughts that the reason she didn't call was she got busy and forgot.
So, last night I played the "I got my stuff together and don't need anyone" act.
But in fact, I am not sure if I am coming or going.
I am the worst person in the world!

you are not a bad person you felt unsafe and let down. You were using an old way to "keep safe". Be well and peace to you.

I think we all get that feeling of regret sometimes, but try not to beat yourself up about it. It's too easy to look back and criticize ourselves in retrospect. Usually we were just doing the best we could with what we had available at the time.

Twisted Soul,

It takes a long time to learn to TRUST the therapist, especially if you have been hurt in the past.

In the early days I used to go to therapy and say, something like,
"I'm fine thank you, see you next week!"

The truth was that I was'nt fine but was frightened and scared and unsure whether my T was trust-worthy.

It takes time to build up that special relationship where you are able to share your true feelings with your T.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. YOU are not the worst person in the world!

Hugs

I believe we tell half truths sometimes as a way of expressing the way we see the world through the filter of our mental illness..I express myslef a lot through half truths because the mental filter of our illness skes things. I wish you luck breaking down that protective wall.

You are not a bad person. You are just using your defense mechonisiams..May you soon find some peace.
Lilith

Agree with the rest above. You are not the worst person in the world, far from it. Please give yourself some slack and take care.

You probably just fear being let down by your T. Your T will be able to come through for you most of the time. However, his/her humaness will sometimes get in the way. I think you will be able to handle it if your T is unable or just accidently falls short. I hope you will be able to trust your T and your ability to deal with the times that people fail you in order to take the risk of reaching out for help. Remember reaching out for help does involve risk. So, if we can't express our need, it doesn't make us bad people. We're just people with fear/anxiety/defense mechanisms/or whatever it is that holds us back.etc.

If we could do it all ourselves, figure it all out, live a full life on our own, we wouldn't be in therapy, imo. Acting out is a common defense mechanism... it doesn't make you a bad person. TC

I think half truths are a way of feeling the water and very normal ...BE KIND to YOU