[InTherapy]

Hi everyone,

I have been having an incredibly tough time the past two weeks. Been feeling suicidal and cutting a LOT.

I think things are about to get better for me though.

What do you think?

Weds March 14, 9:55

Suicide is a comforting thought. "If it gets so bad that I can't take it anymore, I don't have to."

I always assumed that giving up would coincide with being out of options. of having tried everything, and nothing working.

In my heart, I feel like it is hopeless. That I am worthless and not worth saving. I do not think I can find meaning in existence. That's what my gut is telling me.

But my lead is telling me, "There is a reason no country has ever elected a 23 year old president." I don't know everything. It's illogical to give up when there's still a possibility of hope.

I told [T] that sometimes I have to take my cues from [boyfriend]. [On how to react/what to do in a given situation.] I know that I'm not always thinking right [or seeing things clearly/with perspective.] I think I have to do that now, with [T].

I have to keep trying because [T] says there's still hope, and so does [boyfriend], and so would [best friend].

[T] has said before that I have to "learn to sit with it." Ok, great, but what do I do in the meantime?!

The thought of "Doing Thursday" is unbearable. It makes me want to cry. To cut. To kill myself.

When the thought of living seems unbearable, how do you survive long enough to find out if it is?

What do I do right now? What do I do?

I don't want to kill myself right now... but I don't know how to live.

[likelife]

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling so much. I've been there, and know how excruciating it can be.

Instead of thinking about "doing Thursday," I'd maybe focus on "doing the next hour" or even "doing the next 10 minutes." Sometimes when I try to look too far into the future, I get totally overwhelmed.

Sometimes I think it's helpful to be really explicit about reasons for living too. We all have our reasons for dying, and those are usually the ones that present themselves, front and center, whenever trying to figure out where to go with life when you're depressed.

I think it's great to take cues from your T right now.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

The thought of "Doing Thursday" is unbearable. It makes me want to cry. To cut. To kill myself.

When the thought of living seems unbearable, how do you survive long enough to find out if it is?

What do I do right now? What do I do?

I don't want to kill myself right now... but I don't know how to live.

When I use to get like that I'd change the subject. I'd literally go find something else to focus on. When I was most in danger of committing suicide (had plan), I called the dentist and made an appointment for my 6 month checkup. And, you know how you can't commit suicide if you're supposed to be at the dentist next week, that would be rude!

What you do right now is decide you're bored with the struggle and go to the closest convenience store and buy a pack of gum. While you're out, you'll notice the idiot teen on the small bike doing stunts and "playing" too near a major road, making it hard for the drivers and wonder why his parents have no clue where he's at/what he's doing and remember back in earlier days when one knew one's neighbors and the neighbor kid's mothers didn't think twice before disciplining you. Why Susie Heinsheimer use to always have a runny nose and my stepmother would put kleenex up to it and tell her to "blow" and that was when we were seven and often Susie'd gnaw on the end of her braids and my stepmother would tell her to get the hair out of her mouth or she'd cut it off. My high school vice principal in Southern California did that! The surfers (early 1960's) would have hair "too long" so he'd call them into his office and cut it! There was a high, twelve foot gate too, between the school and the community and the boys would scale it to get out, make it a game to not be caught by him (lots of other, "normal" ways out) like playing "Berlin Wall".

Go out and "see"/experience something different from the inside of your own head! Let your head go with it and eventually it will wander to a subject you enjoy or something you'd like to try or someone who it might help to talk to, etc.

When my depression was at its worst, I could not stand the thought of having to live through the entire day. So, I focused on not killing myself before I got the kids ready for school. Once the kids were ready for school, I had to take them to school, and once I was out of the house, I might as well just go to work. Once I was at work, I just focused on not killing myself before ten o'clock (break time). After ten, I focused on not killing myself before noon. And then picking the kids up from school, fixing dinner, getting kids ready for bed, etc. Until finally, it was just time for bed and I could just worry about tomorrow the next morning.

Just break the day down into smaller segments until it gets better. And it does get better. I wish I had started therapy years before I did.

[growlycat]

So sorry to read about the pain.
I really hate the phrase "sitting with it"; lots of T's like using it but I feel like it shows a deep misunderstanding of what is going on.

If you were on fire, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were drowning, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were covered in bees .............................

Anyways, when I put it to my T like THAT I think he finally "got" me, and why that phrase is so hurtful. Wishing I could put out that fire for you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by growlycat

So sorry to read about the pain.
I really hate the phrase "sitting with it"; lots of T's like using it but I feel like it shows a deep misunderstanding of what is going on.

If you were on fire, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were drowning, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were covered in bees .............................

Anyways, when I put it to my T like THAT I think he finally "got" me, and why that phrase is so hurtful. Wishing I could put out that fire for you.

If you were covered in bees, sitting with it would exactly the right thing to do. Or is that what you meant?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

If you were covered in bees, sitting with it would exactly the right thing to do. Or is that what you meant?

You are a more stoic person than I if you can "sit with" a swarm of bees on your face. I guess I left out the detail that these are stinging angry bees, not smoke-bombed sleepy bees. Details.

Originally Posted by growlycat

So sorry to read about the pain.
I really hate the phrase "sitting with it"; lots of T's like using it but I feel like it shows a deep misunderstanding of what is going on.

If you were on fire, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were drowning, would you just "sit with it"?
If you were covered in bees .............................

Anyways, when I put it to my T like THAT I think he finally "got" me, and why that phrase is so hurtful. Wishing I could put out that fire for you.

I think the difference, growlycat, is that "sitting with" the pain is an expression that my therapist uses when the pain just IS. It isn't fixable. There is nothing I can DO about it. Not being able to fix something or DO something is very hard for me. But the reality is, some things just are not fixable and struggling against that fact only raises my anxiety and my increases my experience of the pain.

It's sort of like when I have a severe physical injury. The injury has been medically addressed. What can be done has been done. There is nothing left to DO except wait for my body to heal. If I sit there and keep worrying about the injury or the fact I'm in pain and keep thinking I need to do something, it really seems to hurt worse. If I can just relax into the situation, acknowledge the pain and breathe through it -- sit with it -- it seems to hurt less.

The analogy to physical pain was really helpful for me. My T knows that I can tolerate huge amounts of physical pain without anxiety, so making that connection was one more way in which I felt like he really "gets" me and then feeling understood makes it all easier as well.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

There is nothing left to DO except wait...to heal.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Things got REALLY bad last night. I was feeling worse and worse as the hours dragged on. The last I had talked to T was for 5 minutes around 11am. I had been driving around aimlessly, and when the silent tears started rolling I went home.

After sitting for a few minutes I started sobbing uncontrollably for a while. You know, the ugly cry, where you feel like the air is stabbing your throat with knives on the way in, shoulders shaking, sound like a dying creature cry.

I still felt truly awful, but at least I could breathe after that.

Crying always makes me feel better, but I can't just do it on command.

On Wednesday I was feeling very suicidal for hours, had a plan and was by myself and everything.

Couldn't cry then.

Sigh.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by growlycat

You are a more stoic person than I if you can "sit with" a swarm of bees on your face. I guess I left out the detail that these are stinging angry bees, not smoke-bombed sleepy bees. Details.

Are insects a particular phobia of yours?

[SoupDragon]

I read something that said how could anyone be so sure that committing suicide would make things any better. That stuck with me, at times in the depths it can seem like a solution....but what if it isn't?