[Dreamy01]

Not sure how to explain this but want to try.

I'm used to dealing with stuff on my own. It's what I've had to do because no one was there for me as a child. I find reaching out to others very hard and I'm quite introverted. Also, when I did grow up and start to reach out to others, it went wrong because I enjoyed the connection so much I went overboard and the person ran away.

I have a really good T who I've seen a fair while. She has never encouraged out of session contact but isn't against it either. Sometimes I've emailed her, sometimes she replies, occasionally I've rang her. Because she isn't 'part of' my life as such, I've had to get on with things alone and I'm used to that.

At the moment I'm having an extremely bad time and I feel pretty awful. T told me I was welcome to ring her anytime. This felt a big thing to hear because she knows someone else told me this some years ago and I went overboard literally ringing ALL the time. It means a lot that she trusts me. I rang her earlier in the week more out of a sense of needing to tell her something than anything else. I considered ringing later in the week but didn't. But then T rang me yesterday to see how I was - something she has never done. I was so shocked and touched. But more than anything it has left me feeling kind of empty.

I can't explain why. Maybe having something from T has intensified the need for someone. I'm so used to dealing with stuff alone that I don't even miss having someone to turn to. I'm having a bad time but in the past I had a T who was totally against any out of session contact even when I was suicidal and I suppose I'm used to dealing with extreme pain on my own. I want the connection but due to pushing people away I just get on with it.

I don't know how to take T's call or the need for futher contact. When things die down T won't want me calling her all the time so why should I get used to it now? What purpose would it serve? Why does her calling me suddenly bring up frightened feelings? I'm glad she called but I don't want to need her too much. That will only push her away too.

Does this ramble make any sense to anyone?

[WikidPissah]

It makes sense to me. Her calling gave you a feeling of being valued, and you aren't used to that feeling, it's foreign to you. I have always been a loner and I get jittery and suspicious when someone shows me care or concern. Maybe talking with her about the way it made you feel could help clarify some of your feelings?

My T rang me this week too, after reading one of my emails - and I felt touched she would do that. I felt more warm/fuzzy than cold/empty.. I think I've got to a stage now though where I feel more secure, that there's a connection, that she IS part of my life - but I do feel I know what you mean. It's so hard to feel like you can reach out - be vulnerable enough to 'need' someone, to lean on someone, when you're so used to keeping everyone at arm's length and trying to deal with everything yourself. I had this 'weird, empty' feeling you describe sometimes as I got into my car and drove away after sessions - almost like, 'I've waited a whole week to see you, now I have, but now what? I'm on my own again!' I think there was a turning point for me, when I finally realised I really could reach out to my T.

Of course, now I worry what I'm going to do when she's no longer there - but by then hopefully the relationship we have will have healed me somewhat and I'll be in a better position to let other people in, have healthy relationships and connections with others... I think feeling the connection with T intensified my need for someone too - like, I felt suddenly desperate to forge a deep connection, closeness, with someone else, someone who could be in my life on more than a weekly 90 minute basis - but those feelings have seemed to calm down (I'm glad to report, as I'm probably not in a good position to be starting a serious relationship at the moment anyway, if I'm honest )

You need your T now, and she's there for you now - I say embrace that (embrace, though, not abuse!) - I know you're worried about becoming too reliant on her, but when things 'die down' as you say, when things start feeling better, I don't think you'll feel the same urgency and need to reach out to her anyway, the connection will start to feel more secure with less contact, and you'll find an equilibrium...

At least I think that's how it goes, it's the theory I'm working with

[unaluna]

It IS a process. It changes over time. I mean, except for our big huge humongous rupture last June, T only ever calls me to change an appointment, but even so, over these 5 years I've gone from being completely freaked out and forgetting how to talk, to sounding like a weirdo, to sounding fake phony casual, to FINALLY feeling almost like a normal human talking to another human. But it's been EXCRUCIATING getting here.

I too had no one there for me as a child, to a ridiculous degree. Poor hygiene went unnoticed, not because we were poor, but because no one ever got close to me, and it was just me and my brother. My mother took care of HERself, she just didn't pay any attention to me. My dad didn't know what to do. These were old country people. But again - THEY and my brother were fairly well-groomed; I was the one trying to conserve paper and soap and water (seriously) so as not to be the burden they told me I was. So yeah, even a phone call can seem like too much - too much love, too much pleasure, too much burden. Keep talking about it, keep processing it. Like when granite writes stuff, and I answer back a whole page, it's because HER stuff meant something to me, and maybe my stuff doesn't mean anything to her, but it is what her stuff reminded me of. Some people call it hijacking, I call it PC group therapy!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

T rang me yesterday to see how I was - something she has never done. I was so shocked and touched. But more than anything it has left me feeling kind of empty.

Maybe having something from T has intensified the need for someone. I'm so used to dealing with stuff alone that I don't even miss having someone to turn to.

When things die down T won't want me calling her all the time so why should I get used to it now? What purpose would it serve? Why does her calling me suddenly bring up frightened feelings? I'm glad she called but I don't want to need her too much. That will only push her away too.

You are very insightful into all of this. Excellent stuff to talk to T about so that you can work through all of this. All of this can get better if you work through it. Good work!

[Dreamy01]

Thank you for all the replies, they've been really helpful. I'm glad some people can relate. It feels really nice that T rang me but it's almost too nice in the sense I'm really scared of depending on it, or even getting used to it. It happened in the past - someone offered me something after a lonely, barren childhood - and of course I grabbed it with both hands and refused to let go until they pushed me away. I can't let that happen again.

I feel so bad today that I don't know how to cope. I want to ring T but scared in case her offer wasn't real, that perhaps she was saying it in the hope I wouldn't ring because the knowledge I could would be enough. It doesn't feel like it is.

How can I like her calling or her care and concern when it won't last? I feel so sick about it all. I want to trust it/her...I just don't know how far it can go.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

How can I like her calling or her care and concern when it won't last? I feel so sick about it all. I want to trust it/her...I just don't know how far it can go.

Because you only need a cast on your broken leg until it heals. T will be there until you CAN run again.

[Asiablue]

I totally understand how you feel! I think when someone offers you the care, affection, intimacy or empathy that you have severely lacked in your life it is easy to feel swamped by the "good" feelings it brings. When you isolate yourself for protection, when someone gets behind your barriers i think the feelings are akin to realising your starving and need to fill up quickly. The good feeling becomes like a drug and encompasses you. It's hard to balance out and not feel so desperate for it, as if empathy and care are in short supply and it will run out any moment, it's like a cycle of feast and famine. It's hard to trust that your T will be able to cope with the power of your neediness and since you don't want to lose that, you become scared of your own vulnerability and you begin to withdraw from that source of caring in order to protect yourself from the (perceived) "inevitable" famine when the source of caring rejects you or withdraws from you.

That's how it feels for me at least. I hope that made sense :/

[Sannah]

You can work through this with your T. I do hope that you share all of this with her.