Regretting and Uncomfortable that the T knows

I remember when I was little, I used to think that my elementary school teacher would LIVE at school? And their sole life force and being is focused only being a teacher at school? Little would I know that they actually had a life? Had a home? Had a family? Friends? That sort of deal? I'm pretty sure a lot of people had that thought too.

It's kinda weird when my T would talk about some things about his life and I kinda get those flashbacks of my childhood thought of teachers exist only being teachers. My T has his own life. Wow. I kinda find that scary. That there's some random stranger walking in the streets that know who I am and what I'm all about.

I mean... what if they talk about their certain patients/clients to their lover? Their friends? Like....

"My god! I had this really annoying client today! Who is....-"

And I know they have this whole client privacy thing but still... with bunches of mental records and people's past histories in their heads... it kinda gives them a sort of "power". Well... I think so.

Does that knowledge make it uncomfortable you too? It seriously does for me. Sometimes I wish I can pull back memories or change them... like Professor Xavier from X-men.

I think it's something you have to sit with it for awhile before it becomes okay. It's scary that someone knows isn't it?

I think it's much easier when we remain in control of our own stories. Even if that means holding them very tightly to ourselves.

However, you have let it out to someone. I suspect that your trust was very well placed.

Therapists are wonderful keepers. They are a wonderful place to start letting ourselves out don't you think?

Your talking about how you thought your teacher lived at school reminded me of when I was 6 or 7 and on the way to an aunt and uncle's house for a holiday celebration and wondered how adults got from one place to another in cars? I mean, how did they know which way to go reliably? It seemed to me that roads were everywhere, going every-which-way and how did they know when to turn and which to follow?

Don't you have friends and relatives walking in the streets that know who you are and what you're "all" about (we are not our stories!)? That would worry me more; when I was a junior in high school I came back to live where I'd attended kindergarten through third grade and met a new friend who took me to a friend of hers whose brother had a friend over. . . I get introduced to this friend of a friend's brother's friend who instantly asks, "Aren't you the one who threw up in second grade?" They're everywhere, they're everywhere, LOL.

I can see it is uncomfortable if you think the t is laughing at you with others. That would not be fun. I doubt I am interesting enough to be bothered with by her and if she does, well, I can't control it.

I can understand why that would make you uncomfortable. But my attitude is quite the opposite. I love that someone in the world knows me and my story. It makes me feel less alone. And I would love it if my T would talk about me with people (anonymously of course). It would make me feel like she cared enough to share my situation with others and that she's thinking about me. I guess it makes me feel good that she has all this information because I trust her. If I hadn't reached that trusting stage yet, I might be worried like you are.

I'm a psych nurse and I carry patients around in my head all the time. I try to leave my patients at work when I go home, but some people I worry about when I'm off - wonder how they're doing and if they're safe. I think about patients who have left - wonder how their home situation is working out, is their new therapist making a difference, are their meds working. And I pray for certain patients too. But I don't talk about them outside of the hospital - it wouldn't be right. Besides that would be breaking confidentiality laws. Therapists are bound by those same laws - they shouldn't be talking about their patients either.

I don't think whether T likes us or not is inherent in our stories? If we do not like ourselves, the stories don't tell that, they are just what happened to us, what someone else said or did to us and how we felt about it? "My stepmother beat me" is not about me and what a loser I might be but about my stepmother.

If a therapist were to talk to another and say, "Gee, I have this client whose stepmother beat her. . ." that sounds impersonal enough to me; why would the therapist add, "her name is Perna" and/or, (my name actually being Margaret) how is the other person to know it's "me"; I'm hardly the only Margaret in the world? The telling and negative spin would be from the therapist, not from the incident but that I'd "imagine" a therapist being negative is perhaps our own self-esteem problem?

The worst that can be said of me, stripped of the "meaning" or reason behind my story might be, "Margaret pooped in her pants in 2nd grade and the teacher literally had to sniff her out! Can you imagine being that poor teacher?" But, hey, (a) I'm not going to know what was said about me to my T's random other person and (b) I was 6 or 7 and am 61 now and have had many other, more important-to-me-now life events (that I can tell you this one in public all over the Internet and have it not bother me now?) happen.

That made me thing of this - I know this sound weird, but you know how in X-Men Professor X have read so many minds that he seems wise (I'm assuming from all of the experiences he's seen through other people's eyes). Do you think therapists kinda get this kind of life experience wisdom from talking to so many clients?

You can't get experience, by talking :-) That's like knowing stuff from books. You go to do it and it sounds easy enough but the doing is different. There's a saying I like: "The map is not the territory".

I believe T's are wise because they are familiar with all the human emotions, have experienced them themselves and that's what everything kind of boils down to, using how we feel in our lives to live better/wiser.

My T has admitted that he has discussed me with his wife and one really close friend, without using my name. I was kind of like, whhhhhhaaaaaattttt? You know what I do for a living, right? You know that *I* refuse to discuss anything about my clients even if I'm not using their names, right? What could possibly make you think I'd be okay with you talking to your friend about me? However, when he explained the context and the kind of things he said, it made it okayish with me. Truly nothing that could really identify me (at least in the things he said to his wife).

Contained within the things he said to his friend was information that might, possibly, conceivably, if the friend and I were ever in the same place having an in depth chat, identify me. The context of that conversation (at least my impression from what my T said) was my T kind of working out some of his feelings for me. He was talking about wanting me to teach him to ride, wanting to going camping with me, etc. He talked to his friend about how much he wanted those things. He then talked to me about the reasons why neither of us get those things.

For me, it was the development of the relationship between my therapist and me that has reassured me that he may talk about certain things about me. How excited he has been with my progress with his wife. How he feels about me, and keeping control of that with his friend. However, I trust that he will never reveal my "stuff" to either of those people. Those horrible things that I can just barely say to him and cannot stand the thought of anyone else knowing will stay safe with him.

I think as your relationship progresses, you will learn to trust, or learn that you cannot trust, your therapist.

I was pretty upset with my T when she told me about discussing me with her supervisor. I've never been told that before with any other T I've seen so I was taken back by it.

On another note, my T has asked me if she could tell her husband something funny my daughter has said or something I told her that didn't pertain to something we were actually working on. If that makes sense. I know my T thinks of me outside of therapy because she has told me, but I know she has her own life and family and is a busy woman with many clients.

Now I actually don't remember the original post so I'm probably way off and rambling

not necessarily. All kinds of people are in therapy, and their stories may also include what they did and how they feel about it. And the knowledge that the T knows is a heavy burden, especially when one detectes a change in T before and after the disclosure. How much of it is real difference and how much is perceived?

I've thought about this too.

It used to bother me, because I was convinced that I was such a nightmare patient that surely she would dread my appointments and vent to someone about them.

I imagine that she has discussed some parts of our sessions. This is because she has said that she belongs to professional groups that discuss cases and that she consults with other Dr.s.

She said a few weeks ago that a decision about my treatment bothered her so much that she couldn't sleep the night before. I'm pretty sure that would have caused her to discuss it with her psychotherapist husband.

But it doesn't bother me, because even if she said to a friend, "Geez, I have this patient named Clementine, who is SUCH a difficult patient, ect. ect.." no one would have a clue who I was, and even so, I know she would never ever do this.