[mixedup_emotions]

I feel SO sad right now......

I went to my T session, and the words just wouldn't come out. I talked about the image of the doll and stabbing her, etc....I talked about how I was jealous...and angry...and that I hated that part of me...

....But when it came down to delving into it....expressing how I felt towards T about taking ownership....expressing those deep feelings of sadness and envy....I just couldn't do it.

....T kept encouraging me to bring it up in group - and I wanted no parts of it....

T even said that my pattern is that I become distant - and then get panicky - then scramble to restore a connection with him....and he pointed out that this is where it was heading....I told him he was right.

But I was just frozen in the sadness....that awful, scary, embarrassing pit of darkness.....

...And now I have to sit with this for another week.....I hate therapy.

[mortimer]

I don't really have any other words than sorry, and stay strong.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I feel SO sad right now......

I went to my T session, and the words just wouldn't come out. I talked about the image of the doll and stabbing her, etc....I talked about how I was jealous...and angry...and that I hated that part of me...

....But when it came down to delving into it....expressing how I felt towards T about taking ownership....expressing those deep feelings of sadness and envy....I just couldn't do it.

....T kept encouraging me to bring it up in group - and I wanted no parts of it....

T even said that my pattern is that I become distant - and then get panicky - then scramble to restore a connection with him....and he pointed out that this is where it was heading....I told him he was right.

But I was just frozen in the sadness....that awful, scary, embarrassing pit of darkness.....

...And now I have to sit with this for another week.....I hate therapy.

mue it was a good try maybe write him a letter .that may help with the week inbetween.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by granite1

mue it was a good try maybe write him a letter .that may help with the week inbetween.

That's also my tendency....and in the beginning of the session, T told me not to do it in email....

I know he's trying to help me.....to be more direct, to work through my resistance, etc....but I sometimes wish he could help guide me instead of just sitting there waiting for me to take every step on my own.

It's like learning to ride a bike....instead of holding onto the handle bars while I hop on, gain my balance and start to pedal, he's just sitting there watching me struggle to get onto the bike and repeatedly fall.....

I'm so sorry. I hate therapy too. It's just hard.

[nannypat]

I am sorry you can not email him. Many times I have a delayed reaction to a session and emailing can help, but I don't expect a reply. I also used to write letters with my last T that didn't do emails and that helped too. I agree, it IS hard.

[Snuffleupagus]

MUE, I am sorry you had a rough session, but you are not a failure. You gave it a go. You can try a different strategy next week. Maybe you could find the compromise between emailing and spontaneously spilling your guts. Try bringing a journal entry into session with the points and feelings you want to hit on. You can use it as a guide, or if that doesn't work, you can just read it. At least then you are putting your cards on the table in a setting in which your T is there to respond in the moment. If he evades, you may even have more courage to pursue your point after already having verbally expressed yourself to him.

This session doesn't have to be the end of the issue. You can just use it as a stepping stone in the service of learning assertive expression. You can do this. I certainly know that the motivation is there because this issue is really important to you and is burning to be expressed. There's just a learning curve which is totally normal when you're trying on new behaviors. I've got faith in you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks.....

I am not feeling as desperate today. I think because T called me out on my process, I'm more aware of it....

It took almost the whole session for me to get to the sadness that I feel....and T asked that I try to get to it sooner - instead of resisting it for most of the session and getting to it at the end....because it leaves me feeling swallowed up by it and not able to process it....and then I end up being alone with it for the week, learning new and stronger ways of repression which isn't what we want to do.

He's right....It's just SO hard....At the moment, I'm just tempted to quit therapy altogether.....group, individual....all of it....and find a different therapist who is a little bit more directive....

But I know that's coming from a place of wanting to avoid the sadness, the attachment, the embarrassment....

T did say that he was impressed that I was trying to address it with him, because it's a more evolved kind of work....and we both agreed that I don't truly believe that he favors the other client....

I sooo hate therapy. Blech.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

That's also my tendency....and in the beginning of the session, T told me not to do it in email....

I know he's trying to help me.....to be more direct, to work through my resistance, etc....but I sometimes wish he could help guide me instead of just sitting there waiting for me to take every step on my own.

It's like learning to ride a bike....instead of holding onto the handle bars while I hop on, gain my balance and start to pedal, he's just sitting there watching me struggle to get onto the bike and repeatedly fall.....

will he let you call if things are feeling so bad. i think you are doing a great job looking at how this situation came about and how it is affecting you and why.it takes time.i agree that maybe next week try to bring it all up a bit sooner and maybe he will be able to help you deal with the sadness instead of avoiding it and still feeling it

[doogie]

I'm sorry. "Sitting with feelings" really stinks sometimes. I have the same pattern as well, if it makes you feel any better. Still working on it myself. Gentle hugs to you.

[likelife]

I can hear the pain in your posts, MUE. I'm glad you feel less desperate today. Your T seems on the right track with encouraging you to express the sadness earlier in session. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. I wonder if he could help you directly with the frozen feelings. Hugs to you.