Reflecting on session yesterday

Well session started interesting as I ended up settling for a room on the first floor versus our normal room. This room was significantly smaller which I was not a fan of, thankfully it had a window. Due to my knee I ended up deciding to sit on the floor as this was most comfortable. T originally was gonna sit in a chair but then asked if I minded her sitting on the floor with me, I told her it didn't matter. It was a bit strange though having her so close to me.

I'm not sure if it was as a result of stopdog's recent thread on being adversarial or if I was just more aware of it, but I seemed to have the need to challeneged everything T said today, more so than usual. At one point after a lot of back and forth T said something and I didn't immediately respond. She actually seemed to goat me on by saying "Come on I want to hear it, go ahead and challenge me". Of course I did. I think with T being accepting of all my criticism of her statements made the session a lot more productive as I was better able to understand what she was saying, even if I didn't necessarily agree with her.

The other stuggle I seemed to run into yesterday was the issue of understanding something intellectually but not being able to actually apply it or use it practically in IRL. For example, I understand fighting and engaging with my parents when they are not in the right frame of mind "i.e. intoxicated" will never lead to anything good. However, I still feel myself somehow being compelled to go visit them, usually with the intention of walking away if they start being ridiculous, but still getting sucked into the mess. Logically I know I probably should just not go there in the first place. T told me that logic is not enough that it the emotional aspect that is coming into play, this made me frusterated as I'm not sure what to do with it. T said it's alot harder to unlearn behaviours then to learn something new and that is just part of the human condition, but with small steps it is possible.

I realize this turned into a bit of a long post but I'm still in processing mode and just writing stuff out here seems to help.

I compare challenging T to being a young child/teenager challenging his/her parents.

I realized this morning that through things people have told me when I've relayed what's going on in therapy and what I know about the process itself is that sometimes therapy is a little like re-parenting.

My T has told me "I can't be your mom in this process." However, my H insists that is exactly what she is doing. She is teaching me how to set boundaries. She is showing me by setting her own boundaries. I rail against those boundaries like a toddler because I want what I want, but as I grow, I learn. I learn boundaries are good things, something that is okay to have in my own life. As I set those boundaries and realize they are healthy things, I grow even more. I gain confidence and an identity. I'm growing up. It's not always fun, but it sure feels like healthy to me!

I hit upon that point also this week. For me it was more about nurturing myself - this is gonna sound weird, but when I was in 7th grade or so - hmm, probably after I spent some time at an older cousin's during the summer, they had a backyard pool - I came home and "demanded" my own towel, to be used by just me - I hung it on my bedroom doorknob. Not any particular towel, just that no one else in the family used it. I know, you're probably going, eewwww! My dad fought against it, saying I was giving my mother more laundry work, which was bs, I was doing the laundry with her during the school year and by myself in the summer, wringer washer, line dry, and ironing EVERYTHING.
Anyway, my point is, no support for my decision to take better care of myself, my basic hygiene, in so many little ways like this; in fact, there were always big fights that left me feeling like what I was doing was wrong, and that (omg) they would abandon me for making these choices. So to take care of myself in practical, non-crazy ways (like everyone else, btw!) equals abandonment. No wonder I'm nuts. So, yeah, how DO you counter that programming, that fear? Logic? ptui! I spit on your logic! (not YOUR logic, tkdgirl, OURS: that was abandonment talking )

"Your logic is impeccable. Only your initial premise is wrong."

Thank you mr spock! (
only the human half!) or was that mr holmes? in which case...

Sorry. Misquote:

Your reasoning is excellent. It's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

It's sounding as if this is clicking for you, tkdgirl. I'm wanting that to be, so am I hearing true?

FYI ... Your folks absolutely love it when you argue with them when they've been drinking. As a drunk, I can assure you that never do you appear more their foolish, silly, little girl than when they've have an alcoholic review of your life