[granite1]

Trigger for mention of abuse




last week my T ended with the word compassion .she said this is how i stop the way i am thinking. then she said we can talk about it next week.now it is next week and i am terrified.

it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.i don't feel compassion at all.i don't know how.i don't think i would even recognize the feeling if i had to.what if i was born without the ability to feel compassion.what if it is something you learned as you grew and i was just never able to figure it out at all.and my T knows this about me.

i refer to one of my favorite statements "behaviors are easy" i have been obsessing about this all morning.maybe even longer without realizing it. but this morning it just hit me so hard.there is a huge difference between acting compassionate and feeling compassion.a big difference between acting sympathetic and feeling sympathy toward someone. over the years i believe i have learned how to behave and respond in such a manner when it is necessary.but to feel them i really have no clue. i truly believe i was born without that ability and was never able to figure it out as i grew.

the more i look at myself the more i see that maybe the mother wasn't so wrong about a lot of things. first it was all the stuff she beat into my head about how i am always making everything about me. about a month ago my T used almost the same statement.and now she brings up compassion.

i just don't believe i get it. never have.i want to share a story i remembered about the mother and compassion.i don't remember how old i was but i do remember the situation like it was yesterday.my grandfather had died (the mothers farther) it was late at night and i had been asleep. the mother came in the room and woke me up to tell me that my grandpa had died.she was crying and i guess i just looked at her i don't remember if i said anything.i went back to sleep.got up the next morning and i don't know must have said something that set her off.or who knows she was maybe just in a bad mood.she started in on me calling me selfish and how could i just not care about anything.and she just ranted on and on about this and how i didn't care and she beat the crap out of me that day something real bad .i can remember that and how she kept kicking me and pulling my hair.that time she threw me into the wall over and over again until i stayed on the ground then she kicked me forever.i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral or the Wake or anything i wasn't allowed to leave my room again for days.the mother didn't want to see me at all. the think about it was she was right i didn't feel anything about the fact that my grandpa had died and i didn't feel anything about the fact that the mother was crying.i just didn't get it and she was right i think i just wanted her to go away because i was scared of her and i wanted to go back to sleep.how F ed up is that .my grandpa dies and i just feel nothing but want to go to sleep and have the mother leave me alone.she was right.and this is how it has been for the most part all my life. as far as compassion goes behaving as if was and is all i know.i learned well how to behave like it all mattered because that wasn't the only time i was beat for not giving a crap .

i believe i am able to show concern,anger,fear,but compassion i don't think i will ever feel.

[stopdog]

I am sorry you are feeling scared. Your story was very sad and I wish you had not been treated that way. But you have shown compassion to me and others on this board.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am sorry you are feeling scared. Your story was very sad and I wish you had not been treated that way. But you have shown compassion to me and others on this board.

thanks stopdog.i thought about that also this morning.along with weather i have compassion toward people in my life such as my son. and i believe what i have is concern.not so sure it is compassion or empathy or sympathy either.who knows i may be wrong but i don't think so.thanks for reading through yet again one of my long posts.

another side thought.i wonder how good T's are at acting compassionate instead of feeling compassion and if they think we as clients don't know the difference

[BlessedRhiannon]

What if the mother wasn't right, though? You said yourself that you were afraid and wanted her to go away. I think that fear can certainly outweigh compassion. And, how are you supposed to feel compassion towards someone that would treat you so horribly?

As far as not feeling anything about the death of your Grandpa - well, perhaps you were too overwhelmed with being afraid or had simply stopped feeling because of the home environment. Or, maybe, you just weren't close enough to your Grandpa to really feel the impact of his death. I know that when both of my grandfathers passed, I was sad, briefly, but they'd been sick for a while, and I wasn't super close to them. So, their deaths did not have a significant emotional impact on me...and that's okay.

I truly believe that everyone can feel compassion, but that everyone feels it differently. Think about your life now...ignore your interactions with the mother. If one of your kids was hurt or sad or sick, do you/did you feel for them, want them to feel better, want to help them? That's compassion. What about when a friend is upset or worried - wanting to help them or feeling sympathy for them is compassion. What about when people on PC post and are upset - wanting to reply with reassurances is compassion.

Perhaps you can't feel compassion for yourself, but I bet your T can help you learn how.

[peaches100]

Hi Granite,

The first thing I want to say is how very sorry I am that your mother blamed you and beat you. Reading your story, I just wanted to hold little Granite and soothe her and tell her that this is NOT her fault!

In order to feel compassionate, a person generally has to be shown what compassion is, how it feels, and how to demonstrate it toward others. It is largely a learned trait. It doesn't sound like your mother was able to model compassion for you, or to show it toward you. When your grandfather died and you were not able to feel anything, she beat you. That is not compassion. It is abuse.

Had your mother had compassion, she would have realized that people respond differently to the death of loved ones. There are many folks who initially feel nothing. I don't know how close you were to your grandfather, but if you were not close, it would not be unusual for you to not feel grief. Even if you were close, you may have learned to stuff down difficult emotions and not be in touch with them.

It sounds like, at the time she broke the news to you, your initial reaction was one of fear of her and wanting her to leave you alone. This was the primary reaction you had at the time. It is understandable. It makes sense. You had reason to fear your mom and want to avoid her because she did things to hurt you. So this was your main reaction at the time.

Bottom line . . .your mom should not have punished you for showing a lack of compassion because (1) she didn't teach you what it was or how to show it, (2) she didn't show compassion herself, (3) people respond differently to the death of loved ones, and (4) your primary concern at the time was avoiding an abusive mother who did things to hurt you.

Granite, again, I am so sorry you had to go through things like this, and I wish you could see that this was NOT your fault! It is SOOOO HARD to believe things are not your fault when you grew up being told that things were always your fault. I know. . .I'm dealing with internal messages I've absorbed from my parents too. When we are kids, for some reason, we believe the things they tell us. If they say we are bad, we believe it. If we're told things are our fault, we believe it. It distorts our view of ourselves. Then later, when we are adults, it is very hard to see things differently, and to accept that perhaps the parents were the ones who were wrong.

I know it's hard, but the more you can open up to your t and tell her some of these experiences from your childhood, the more she will be able to help you put things in perspective and see them for what they really are.

It's painful stuff. Hang in there.

Hugs if you want them.

we think you have a lot of compassion and agree with what others have already said-if you never got it then its hard to know what it is to show or feel it. but we still think you have a ton of it♥

[SpiritRunner]

granite, I'm sorry you endured such sad, awful things. you weren't treated with compassion, you didn't get to see it in others toward you, so it's not hard to see why you would be unsure what it should look/feel like. but like stopdog said, you have shown compassion to others here ..... concern/care/empathy. this says a lot about you and how you have risen above what you endured, to have that capability. it really is in you, granite.
my first T said I was able to have compassion for others, and that I needed to have the same compassion for myself. I had no idea what that would look like.....I'm still learning......
as far as Ts acting compassionate vs really feeling compassionate, I think you could tell the difference between what is fake and what is genuine.....and I simply prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt, that the compassion is real. as far as your T goes, I'm not there to see what's in her eyes or hear the tone in her voice, but from what you have shared of her, I think she/her compassion is real.

[karebear1]

First off granite, I think you are a very compassionate person. The concern and compassion you show for people here is really obvious to me.

Now.... the mother. She came to a child and woke her up in the middle of the night for what purpose? If my parent had died in the middle of the night, I would've let my child sleep through the night and told them the sad news after they had woken up in the morning. I certainly wouldn't have woken them up in the dead of the night, cried to them and then beat them the next day because they didn't behave the way I thought they should've when I told them. Were you even alert enough to really register what she was saying?

CanI just ask you a question granite? What was the mothers reaction to you when you would cry?

[Perna]

I think compassion is just an inner feeling (my T and I got in an argument about whether she was compassionate or not :-) and doesn't have an agreed-upon set of actions (unlike, say "sadness," where the action might be to cry and "look" sad).

I think as the child in your story, you would have been hard pressed to "care" about your grandfather, does not sound like you knew him at all? I don't think your experience in life allowed you to learn to care if your mother was sad or not; you got punished for such random things (I did too sometimes), it's hard to know what "feeling" goes with what; someone else can't make us feel something.

I remember when I was in college and had trouble finding the "right" Christmas present for my stepmother; I thought I had but then when I went to buy it after I got the money, it turned out not to be what I thought it was and I was left present-less and with too little time before Christmas to come up with another idea. I did not have a present to give on Christmas Day and my stepmother was devastated and really angry. I was old enough to know that the reaction was way over the top for not being given a present but that did not stop the feelings of humiliation, unhappiness, and helplessness that I could not make it right.

Your mother controlled the situations when you were a child. You did not learn some feelings because you did not get the opportunity to, did not have the circumstances! You cannot be sad for someone you do not know or for someone else's sadness when they punish you for not reacting like they want! Your mother was, I think, feeling sorry for herself that her father had died, not sorry for her father dying. I have lost both my parents and looked hard at what I was experiencing as I experienced it. That you did not feel sorry for your mother's loss is similar, I think to my stepmother having to have/expecting a gift; it is our mothers' problem and feeling, not ours that is off.

I think you will be able to learn compassion from your T. You first need compassion for yourself, that you are learning these things now, when it is harder, rather than back when you were growing up. I am sad that when you were growing up you did not have a better role model to help you learn to identify and express your feelings appropriately. Have some compassion for poor granite having to learn them now!

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear Granite,

When you find someone here on PC who is fearful, or angry, self blaming or suffering, and you reach out to that person with encouragement or advice, that is compassion in action.

Don't think for a minute that you don't have it!! we at PC know better.

[roads]

granite, ABC did a Special a few years back & I found a link to its web page version http://abcnews.go.com/US/making-diff...9433308&page=3

I'm hoping it might help you to connect your many compassionate acts here on PC with what prompts you to do them.

Roadie

[rainbow8]

oh, granite. The mother was so mean to you. It was not your fault at all. You are very compassionate to me and others here. I agree with others that you need to learn how to be compassionate towards yourself. You had a very sad childhood and somehow you've decided that you were bad. You were not. I am so sorry you feel that way. Therapy WILL help.

[unaluna]

good post granite. very timely for me. I remember my father getting a letter telling him that his mother (in Italy) had died. we were sitting at the dining room table in the evening. I said, "So what, she was old anyway, wasn't she?" He looked at me and said, "It was my MOTHER!" I didn't understand connection. Neither of my parents connected to me. I see now how my statement must have sounded to him, but as a child, I was a product of my upbringing. My mother told me a few years ago, "You really ARE a monster!" because I didn't realize she was choking - she has a chronic cough, who could tell the difference? But it was enlightening to know that was the family's opinion of me.

It sounds like you're a little worried T is going to ask you to show compassion for the mother. Trust me, that is the last thing she is going to ask. One might even say you already show your family too much respect, to your own detriment.

I think your T is talking about her showing you compassion. Her example about cutting the session short, saying it would be mean to do that, went to show how that didn't even REGISTER as mean to you. You had to be TOLD that was mean. Hmm. (I think my T was saying kind of the same thing, when I told him I didn't feel connected when I gave him the monkey.) I think our thermometers are faulty! It's still hot or cold out, mean or compassion, but we don't read it quite right? It has to be REALLY cold out, or REALLY hot, for us to notice.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am sorry you are feeling scared. Your story was very sad and I wish you had not been treated that way. But you have shown compassion to me and others on this board.

I agree!! You are there for us, and are non-judging and encouraging and your goes out to us, which is my definition of compassion.

Stay strong. Don't get caught up in technicalities. I can feel your vibe of caring ...and I am an excellent judge of character (being a fairly judgemental character myself!).

I also wish that you had not been treated in the way you describe. However, I find that those who have been through these kinds of ordeals, turned to face the damages and taken the time to heal.... are some of the most open-hearted and wonderful people out there.

You can do this.

granite, I read this shortly after you wrote it this morning, and have been thinking about it ever since. I just cannot reconcile what you say about yourself with your behavior on this forum. You have been nothing but compassionate and kind and caring in every post I have ever seen by you. You have been really supportive and compassionate to me, I know. I'm just not buying the vision of you as you see yourself.

[CantExplain]

My mother was always telling me I was selfish, and I grew up believing it.
It wasn't true.

[granite1]

wow everyone thanks so much to think about and respond to.

yes i knew my grandfather well he would call me his little spider monkey because i was so small and thin lol.he was a good guy

as for compassion toward my son i don't know.i thought about it and don't know.i know i love him and i have a deep concern for his well being but not so sure if it isn't because of the fall out when things are no OK with him.as he is not home and i rarely see him the connection and intensity of that relationship seems to diminish I'm sad to say.

some of the way i think about compassion is very cynical.i don't believe i have a great capacity for compassion,empathy,or sympathy.i mean if you look at all these responses they don't have much return for the basic self involved person.i think to show compassion for another only affects that person. behaviors are easy.i can go over to a person who is clearly upset and put my arm around that person and listen to what that person has to say.it may look like compassion to the person who i put my arm around but for me maybe maybe i have just learned from others that this is the correct response.not that i can feel what that person is feeling or necessarily want to make this person feel better but that i just know this is the correct response to the situation.

as far as love,careing,etc...these all have a return and can be seen as selfish emotions.we love to get love back to have companionship.we show concern for a situation often feeling how in the long run will this affect me.if a person is sad,angry etc... will they hurt me in response.i am concerned and want to go put my arm around them defuse the situation.selfish motives not compassion right.

[granite1]

i am going to try really hard to talk to T some about this if she brings it up but i so don't want her to try and fix how i feel in her list of screwed up way of thinking.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

... behaviors are easy.i can go over to a person who is clearly upset and put my arm around that person and listen to what that person has to say.it may look like compassion to the person who i put my arm around but for me maybe maybe i have just learned from others that this is the correct response.not that i can feel what that person is feeling or necessarily want to make this person feel better but that i just know this is the correct response to the situation.

you're right in that sometimes it can take just the smallest gesture of kindness to help someone in need; but don't sell it short, Granite.
It's astounding how few people in this world take the trouble to do just the smallest thing for someone else.

I'm so sorry you had to experience the mother's wrath, Granite when you were so "small and thin." I agree with the other poster who said that a loving, compassionate parent would have waited until morning to tell their young child that their grandparent died. Instead, the mother woke you out of a sound sleep, cried the tears she felt for her father's passing and then beat you the next morning when you acted like all young children act--young children do NOT developmentally understand death, Granite. Think about a little baby--she doesn't understand or show compassion. A child learns about compassion from the examples set by her parent(s). It isn't something we're born with!

You DID learn compassion, Granite. You've shown it here many times when you have extended your concern and support for the other posters. Something tells me that you didn't learn it from the mother. It doesn't sound like she had much to show!

[growlycat]

Yes, you show a lot of compassion for others. I know, showing or feeling compassion for yourself is much much harder.

[Sannah]

Granite, I'll bet that when you interacted with the mother you needed a shield to protect yourself. When you are protecting yourself, compassion for that person at the same time is sort of almost impossible.

I grew up in an area and around people who were not compassionate. People were rough with each other and no one showed compassion. I had to learn it as an adult. It is easy to learn. You are compassionate already granite. You ARE so sweet.