A powerful realization

I was sitting here at home watching a movie right now with H and some friends, but my mind wandered to my last few therapy sessions, things that have happened in my life recently, and things that have happened on the forum in the past week. My brain finally cut through the crap, the pain of my past, and bad choices I've made; and then I came to a powerful realization.

I am going to heal. I finally believe it. In my head AND my heart.

1. Boundaries I have set are working overall.
2. I'm being told I'm NOT butt-ugly; I'm starting to think I look okay.
3. I realize exactly how much my boss trusts me; if my next work project fails, the company could go under.
4. I am starting to see myself as a person of inherent, God-given worth and developing a sense of "self" for the first time in almost 35 years.
5. I am caring less and less about what other people think of me.
6. I am beginning to stand up for myself; my confidence has increased.

I realize that T really does love me. Enough to hurt me when she had to. Enough that when she had to hurt me, it hurt her. I thought back to session yesterday and talking about the "long hug" boundary. I looked at the thread from that session. At the end of that session, I started to walk out without hugging her at all. I figured I made her personally, physically uncomfortable (possibly due to my bisexuality), but she said, "Chopin, I still want to hug you." When she let go, she said, "Do you know I mean it when I say I only want what's best for you?" As I look back on this moment with a sense of clarity, I realize what was on her face was sadness. She hated knowing she hurt me, but she did it for my own good because I really was stuck. When I told her, "The adult in me appreciates that more than any hug you could ever give me," her eyes teared up. All that was even with me thinking she was personally uncomfortable with me. After talking about it in session yesterday, I now understand it had nothing to do with that; she didn't mind holding me at all. Yesterday, I understood exactly what she meant when she said she only wants what's best for me. Her love for her clients is sacrificial. I saw yesterday how invested she is in my healing. I trust her. Despite the mistakes. She's as human as I am, her therapy style is very human, and it's working...it's finally working...because I'm allowing it to.

How did I get this freaking blessed?

Chopin wrote:

I am going to heal. I finally believe it. In my head AND my heart.
Yes you are!

1. Boundaries I have set are working overall.
2. I'm being told I'm NOT butt-ugly; I'm starting to think I look okay.
Yay!
3. I realize exactly how much my boss trusts me; if my next work project fails, the company could go under.
That's quite a burden to carry.
4. I am starting to see myself as a person of inherent, God-given worth and developing a sense of "self" for the first time in almost 35 years.
Happy Birthday!
5. I am caring less and less about what other people think of me.
6. I am beginning to stand up for myself; my confidence has increased.

How did I get this freaking blessed?
You've earned it. You worked unprintably hard in therapy and this is your reward.

Wow, that's incredible, Chopin. That's really incredible.

I am glad you are in such a good place.

Heck, yeah!

This is all really, really wonderful stuff. Those things are all really difficult to take up if they weren't there early on life, and you've done the work to deserve all of them. Believing that we are people of worth is so hard, and that's what a lot of this comes down to.

And I'd say that given what you said about allowing your T's therapy style to help you, and that you are feeling confident in her love for you -- seeing her hurt by hurting you, like a true nurturing figure -- maybe another thing to add is that you're more confident in being loved for you, the person, and not anything else about you but your self.

It has been an honor keeping up with you and your journey. It's an inspiration and I am glad you are learning to love yourself!

wow i think it is so awsome that you are starting to see what others alread know .that you are such an awsome person that makes this world a better place to be in.

Again, it's your birthright as a human to have all of those things. Congratulations on stepping up, fighting for it, and allowing yourself to receive it.

I am so glad that you realize that you are healing, Chopin. It seems that since you started the Boundaries book that you have been bringing all of your therapy together and making sense of what you have learned from your t and your self-study.
Good Work!
Bluemountains