scrared

i just wanted to let you know i was thinking about you.

So, maybe she really was challenging you?? Can you ask if that's what she was doing? Or tell her it sound like she was angry with you, but you now realize that she wasn't. That, in being so insistant and different in her speech pattern to you, you're wondering what what was happening? Was she challenging you in what you were saying? (If you say this, you are telling her what gave you the impression she was mad at you- like she asked you to).

I'm pretty sure that T is challenging you in your "faulty belief" that everyone is mad at you and hates you. She does not want to be lumped in with those people because that is not the case for her. Do you get that? It's kinda hard to think the way they think when we're use to living believing and coping with the way we do,. AT least that's what I've learned from my T challeging my faulty beliefs.

And really- don't be afraid to tell her what you're thinking. You can soften it if you want. Keep the really bold and scary ideas to your self- for now. Just let little bits out and see what her new reaction is. Be honest Granite. You don;t have to challenge her in the same way she did you, you can be softer and still get your answers. Of course, if you want to be more animated about it, tyhen by all means , please do! She asking you to tell her- so tell her what you can. Tell her how YOU feel, not what she feels. ie- "I felt like you were angry with me because you didn't accept my card. I didn't understand why. I tried to, but I couldn't. It made me feel so bad that I ripped it up outside your office. We're you feeling angry at me when you gave me that card or was it something else?"

Just keep trying granite- you'll work through how to speak to her.

can i rant just a little in response to karebears awesome response.

talking SUCKS i know why i hate doing it.I'm just not good at it .it isn't comfortable for me,i do it wrong,it is clumsy,it is all wrong,words are difficult and painful.i don't do it well AT ALL

song of the day lol

I speak well and am good with words, but when it comes to talking (and not intellectualizing!) about how I really feel, the deep feelings, it is hard for me too, granite, so I understand your rant! words do suck, because sometimes it seems they just aren't adequate to describe what's going on in our heads/hearts. but I think you put a ton of pressure on yourself with trying to use your words, use the right ones ..... maybe just take off some of that pressure and tell yourself it really doesn't matter, that what comes out is what comes out, even if it's clumsy (to you). tell yourself, it just doesn't matter. when you're trying a thing that is new to you, unfamiliar/uncomfortable, that is the way things are ... like when I try to dance, I am just so clumsy and graceless and can't seem to remember the steps, and it makes me feel foolish and stupid. but if I manage to tell myself not to worry so much about making mistakes and not focus on them so hard, then it's much better. maybe this would help you? just let whatever words come, come, and stop judging whether they sound clumsy or whatever. maybe they don't sound that way to T .... you could even ask her that.
I agree with karebear, what she said is awesome. Your instinct is to think others are angry and to react to that, but T is trying to help you understand that isn't always true so you don't have to carry that around with you.

It's really hard for me to speak too granite, but I am learning and getting so much better with it. Why..... I almost don't fear talking to my T anymore. Although.... I do fear the subjects we may have to talk about.

Do you remember when you first went to this T? You couldn't say anything to her, but look at you now. Heck woman! You even mentioned the CHAIR!! You're growing at a fast pace girlie! Keep up the good work!

((Granite))

Therapy is difficult, perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I see no evidence that you are doing it wrong.
And yes, it does hurt.

Communication can be messy granite. It sounds like you might be getting triggered a lot because of what has happened to you in the past? The only way to get it worked out is to keep trying.

I wonder if she is being defensive?