scrared

Yeah! You were able to tell her about the chair! That is huge! We're all here for you, Granite, when you are ready to talk about it.

granite, i LOVE LOVE LOVE that even though you were petrified (!!!) YOU STILL TOLD HER ABOUT THE CHAIR. You would NEVER have done this even 2 months ago! So no matter that you think you made things worse (i doubt you did), YOU TOLD HER.

You KEEP putting yourself out there despite your fears. I know how hard that is, believe me. Just last night I tried calling my T to leave her a VM and it took me until 11:00pm, a (alcoholic) drink, and 5 hang ups before i did! I still didn't tell her everything I was feeling, especially the most important parts: my fears of her reactions to me. I understand, and that was in a voicemail. In person?! Yah right.

I am constantly blown away by your tenacity. I said this to someone awhile ago, maybe it was even you, but I saw this Law and Order episode again the other day. At the end, the detective is talking to the victim and goes "Just remember, you already survived the abuse, recovery is easier."

oh and that isn't an exact quote by the way. she wasn't making it sound like recovery was EASY, just that you are a survivor, you are strong. Much stronger than you think.

(((( granite ))))

I am sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Know that your friends at PC are here and we care. (( HUGS ))

YAAAAAAAAAAY...you brought up the chair!!!

We're here and we care.

I'm sorry you think it's worse. We are here for you when you are ready.

You brought up the chair??? WOW! That's huge Granite. Sorry you feel yucky about it now, but you stood up for yourself and that's a good thing.

Go Go Granite Power!!!!

bringing up the chair was awesome, granite!
and I agree with the poster who mentioned your tenacity ..... so true! you keep going back, trying, struggling .... and I know you feel like you haven't gotten very far, but in trying, in continuing to try, you have gotten MUCH further than you realize, I think. you are tenacious and resilient and courageous and you are moving forward!

Granite? Are you ok?? Usually you come back pretty fast and respond, but it's been quite a while now.

I hope you're not beating yourself up about yesterday's session with T.

Granite, I hope you are ok. We are all rooting for you.

dear T

I don't know what to do anymore. In fact i don't want to do anything anymore. i am so angry now and i don't know why. I guess it isn't all that important. I don't have any idea what to do to make things even a small amount better. I don't even want to try anymore. everything is twisted and wrong. i don't want you mad at me again but i cant give you the answers that you want so what can i do? so much keeps going through my head and it wont stop. i did try to answer them but it just made things even more horrible.i felt so trapped. i will try again here but i don't know what you want more information about. i do wish i had never made that stupid card. It only made things worse. i didn't mean it to be accusatory at all.i guess it was just bad wording. I didn't think and again i am sorry.I'm going to try and answer your questions.you really did seem to be so angry for some reason. I think you wanted to know what i was basing this on but i can't come up with any other answers other than what i have already told you ,and you said those were not true. but ill try again.It just seemed to feel that way from the moment i walked in that room. That chair was moved so far back in the corner. It was moved back the week before but not that far back. you never needed it that far back before as far as i can remember. It felt really bad because i couldn't figure out what i did. i do always try to be at least some what respectful,and i didn't think i was being all that intrusive to your personal space. I hate when people get in my personal space uninvited. Anyway it just felt bad and i hate that chair. but then you seemed really angry at me. the person i like to call drill Sgt T seemed to be present. Again i just don't know what else to say. You were just not you. I can't say what you looked like because i didn't want to look at you,i just wished that i could disappear into your carpet.your voice was so much angrier then is usually is.so much louder and faster. I don't know what else to say it wasn't you. I was scared not to do what you asked. I didn't know what to think. i don't want to be afraid of you. like when you asked me to take Felix out of my bag,I was scared not to. I didn't care if Felix was in or out of my bag in fact i didn't even remember i had Felix. I didn't want to move i just wanted to disappear into your floor but i was scared not to. You wanted to know what else i had in my bag,i don't know why you wanted to know but i was scared not answer.It didn't seem OK,i didn't want to say anything.i hated it,i felt controlled because i was scared,of what i have no idea. I was just scared. I don't care much for drill Sgt T and i hate that chair.



This is what i wrote in my T journal to my T i don't know if i will share it with her next week or not but i probably will try.

she gave me the card i made her back saying that she wasn't going to accept my apology and that i should bring it back next week because we are not finished talking about it yet or something like that. she also said that it wasn't fair that i was accusing her of something and not letting her know what i was thinking.i didn't mean to accuse her of anything.she also said i was saying she was being judgmental because i said she would think i was stupid.
as far as the chair she said what all you said about cleaning Lady's and clients and so on but also said that she likes her space and that is her choice.confusing.she never confirmed or denied anything about the chair.i never want to sit in it again.i will give her her space but it will be on the floor.i want to throw the chair out the window.and if it was 20 years ago i would have tried before the big guys would have grabbed me. i don't know if this is a rupture or not.I'm not angry at her or anything just scared and hurt and kind of ;lost at what to think and feel about all of it

I'm sorry i wanted to say thanks to everyone.

aso i ripped up that stupid card as soon as she closed the door to her office.i'm not bringing it back next week

((Granite))

I know this does look good, but in fact you've made a huge step forward.

Being angry is important.
From what I remember, you don't get angry easily - except with yourself!

You don't know why you are angry, but I'm sure that will come later. And then you'll work it through.

I'm sorry things are so difficult, granite.

By any chance did you tell her why you thought she seemed mad? And she then said that it wasn't true? I am trying to understand what happened & I am confused.

(((granite))) I am so sorry you are scared of her sometimes...be kind to you, you are not bad, you did nothing wrong...ok?

i tried to tell her how she sounded angry and how she had raised her voice and all but she said that wasnt true that she didnt .i dont know how else to explain it to her other then what i did in my journal.she also said that she wasnt mad at me i think not sure if she ever just said that.

Awwww granite- I'd be confused if I were you too. I can tell you're confused just by what you wrote.

As far as her raising her voice- did she actually increase the volume of her voice, or was she just more insistant in what she was saying. The reason I ask is because I was talking to my T the other day and she got really "animated' in the way she was talking to me and I thought she was mad. I said '"please don't be mad at me", and she said she wasn't mad (in the same tone of voice) that she was'challenging' me on what i was saying. Anyway..... I believe her when she says she wasn't mad, but man! She sure sounded mad to me. Maybe that's what your T meant??

I don't know granite........... I have to say she seemed less than empathetic about the chair. Did you tell her why the chair's positioning was bothering you??

And her reaction to the card......... I really don't get that. What did you say in the card that would make her angry? All you did was apologize- right?

I'm sorry it was such an awful day at T today.

Yes, this! Animation can look like anger.

Bad Facilitator looked angry when he said he wasn't and didn't look angry when he said he was. Speaking as an Aspergic, I like people to feel the way they look, and look the way they feel.

i would definately say that she was insistant .that is a good word to use .maybe that is more what she was then angry maybe but is scared me .it wasnt her i felt she was controling me with fear if that makes any sence

all i said in the card was i didnt mean to get you so angry last week.i dont know what else to say that wont make it all about me so i just really want to say i am sorry.

she said i was accusing her of being angry and it wasnt fair for me not to tell her what she did that made me feel that way
i told her she would think it was stupid and she said so now you are saying that i am being judgemental.i didnt mean that at all she was twisting around everything i said

my goodness she wanted me to tell her when i think she is angry and then she twist it all around so i cant say anything good i dont know why

i also think it would be awsome if people looked and acted like they feel life would be easier

can i say i went to my yoga class tonight and it is basically keeping me sane and going.it is so calming and relaxing and stress reducing

I love yoga too granite. I have a class tomorrow night. I am still learning how to relax. I have learned that I actually have really good balance. Pretty amazing for someone who is generally uncoordinated in most other ways.

How often do you go to yoga?

I wonder if your T was just recognising that you thought she was angry, when that wasn't the way she felt. You were unable to talk about it at the time, so she didn't realise that she was coming across that way. It meant that she didn't have a chance to change it, or help you, because she didn't know. Maybe she did feel it wasn't fair, especially for you to struggle so much with something, without telling her about it because she couldn't help.

I did once decide I was being really judgmental of my T, when she didn't contact me when she said she would. I was so sure she'd proved me right, and that she didn't care about me and that's why she forgot. When she explained to me why she forgot, it was nothing to do with her lack of care...that was just the judgement I made about it, and it wasn't true. The person I hurt by making that judgement was myself, and my T wasn't angry that I'd thought that of her either.

I can imagine what your T said came accross in a way that was blunt or harsh, but I really think your T is just trying to help you see that what you decide about the way she feels, might not actually be the way she feels. The way she can help you with it, is when you tell her. So you really did do well, by telling her during this last session!

i go twice a week it is called svaroopa yoga and it is mostly relaxing and a lot of with a huge focus on shavasana (yoga relaxation) and ujjayi paranayama(breathing)