[stopdog]

I am having difficulty seeing what connection is and how connection helps in the context of therapy. I read threads where others are happy to sit and talk and not have anything really happen one way or the other with a therapist and then describe that as connection. I seriously think some part of me is broken in that I cannot understand why that makes someone feel better or is therapeutic.
I saw that therapist I go to this week and she asked about stuff and I answered and it was not unpleasant although she dismissed me both times I tried to tell her how something bothered me. I asked at the end if there was a point to it and she said there is a point to everything (this is where I became angry - how does this chat help with why I pay a therapist). Is it the lack of unpleasantness that is the connection that is useful? I could have had the same conversation with friends (leaving out the part that bothered me - which would have been the same since she dismissed it - I just never would have mentioned it to friends).
What is connection to a therapist? I am not sure I want it, but I want to know what it is so I can decide.

we think connection may have different meanings for different people. for example,connection for some of us means knowing we are heard and validated and her caring is genuine-our counselor that is. for a few other of us,connection is giving her some poetry or art work. maybe we arent a good example but we hope that helped just a little bit

[pbutton]

How did she dismiss you?

I would not be happy to sit and talk and not have anything happen. I would be very frustrated if I left without accomplishing something. I don't like chit chat sessions & have told my therapist this. He was great about it - right after I told him that, he tried to start working on heavier issues. The time I felt a connection with my therapist, we discussed the ways in which I have changed & ways that I still needed to change.

I think one of the things that I have learned in therapy is to embrace the smaller changes. I am very goal-oriented and want the BIG changes, but now that I am learning to acknowledge small changes, I am actually closer to my goal.

In my case, connection means that he's listening to what I am saying & using his specialized knowledge to help me tweak the things that need to be tweaked. I don't care if he feels empathy; I want him to help me address my issues. I am happiest when he is challenging me & I am uncomfortable & facing something difficult and new.

[stopdog]

Maybe that is the problem. I don't want validation from the woman. I don't need the therapist to validate anything. What good does validation do? Particularly from her? I want to know how to stop feeling so bad when nothing is wrong.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

How did she dismiss you?

I would not be happy to sit and talk and not have anything happen. I would be very frustrated if I left without accomplishing something. I don't like chit chat sessions & have told my therapist this. He was great about it - right after I told him that, he tried to start working on heavier issues. The time I felt a connection with my therapist, we discussed the ways in which I have changed & ways that I still needed to change.

I think one of the things that I have learned in therapy is to embrace the smaller changes. I am very goal-oriented and want the BIG changes, but now that I am learning to acknowledge small changes, I am actually closer to my goal.

In my case, connection means that he's listening to what I am saying & using his specialized knowledge to help me tweak the things that need to be tweaked. I don't care if he feels empathy; I want him to help me address my issues.

Often when I read the descriptions of others here, it seems like nothing but people are so happy about it. I am not saying it is nothing, just to me reading it - it sounds like nothing.

[stopdog]

This is just my usual frustration. I was thinking maybe if I can put it in different language it will make sense to me.

[Perna]

Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of itself. This awareness of himself as a separate entity, the awareness of his own short life span, of the fact that he will die before those whom he loves, or they before him, the awareness of his aloneness and separateness, of his helplessness before the forces of nature and of society, all this makes his separate, disunited existence an unbearable prison. He would become insane could he not liberate himself from the prison and reach out, unite himself in some form or other with others, with the world outside.

Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

My therapist recommended Fromm's http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/fromm.html books way back when I first met her in 1980ish. I read 2 or 3 (because she liked him and I wanted to know what she liked :-) and they stuck with me. This little book, The Art of Loving is a best seller, the one he's most known for.

I've been struggling a bit with this myself. Not sure if my thoughts are at all helpful, but my guess is that connection might mean that the therapist actually understands what you are saying and can re-tell your experiences in a way that makes them make sense to you. I sometimes feel that I'm getting rote responses from my therapist, that don't really apply to my situation. I guess that what I'm after is more understanding of how bad it feels - even though nothing is wrong - because that might help me understand what's going on, which might in turn set me on the path to get better.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

I've been struggling a bit with this myself. Not sure if my thoughts are at all helpful, but my guess is that connection might mean that the therapist actually understands what you are saying and can re-tell your experiences in a way that makes them make sense to you. I sometimes feel that I'm getting rote responses from my therapist, that don't really apply to my situation. I guess that what I'm after is more understanding of how bad it feels - even though nothing is wrong - because that might help me understand what's going on, which might in turn set me on the path to get better.

Thank you for this post!!!

This is a lot of what I get from my connection to my therapist. This week he proved to me that he understands me well enough to repeat back things that I have told him. He gets it enough to retell my stories (correctly) back to me. Then I can see things with the added benefit of his professional view. I don't need him to suffer along with me, I need him to understand enough that he can help me see the same aspects of my life in a different way.

I also noticed that I'm the one who dismisses myself. I caught myself being unsatisfied with part of our discussion, so I led us right back to the same topic. He hadn't dismissed it the first time; I had redirected. I'm in charge of the conversation & he just follows me. I realized that I tell him when I don't like what he says, unless it is something that is hurting my feelings. When that happens, I clam up. My shame was dismissing me, not my therapist.

[unaluna]

again - how does she dismiss you? because that sounds like a point where connection is NOT made. validation is not a superior approving an underling, or a rote "there, there." validation is a coming together of minds or whatever.

[Asiablue]

It seems like you are looking for what the mechanics of connection are, almost like instructions that can be followed or dissected. The thing about connection is, it's hard to describe because connection is a feeling not a thought.

For me, connection to my therapist feels, intimate (platonic) it feel like i've stripped away all my defences and showed her my soul and she sees me and accepts me for who i really am, i feel i can trust her with my life and my secrets. Connection feels like we are sharing a space in time, in a safe warm bubble, she is on this journey beside me. It feels like finally reaching safety.
It feels like i've been walking around a foreign land where no one speaks my language and no one knows me because i am foreign and they don't understand my ways, and out of the crowd is my therapist who speaks both languages and guides me thru. Finally i can breathe.

Hmmm sorry if i've talked rubbish and this isn't what you're looking for stopdog.

[roads]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I want to know how to stop feeling so bad when nothing is wrong.

Hey, stopdog ~

I could take your one sentence to my therapist and this would give us material for many sessions' work. Have you told your T this, this directly?

For me, connection is what sparks one of two responses in me after or during a session ...

"I get it. I get it!!" ... or ... "Good, he gets it (me)."

It's communication that we can use to improve my coping skills, which is what I'm in therapy to acquire.

Without that connection, the sessions would be little more than lectures. If I picked up on something useful, fine--but he would just be throwing out general theory, like any bored, absent-minded prof.

I didn't like that type in the classroom, and I sure don't like it in a therapy session.

But that's just me.

Roadie

[WikidPissah]

stopdog...I get it. It is so freaking frustrating isn't it? All I want to know is how to get better, I don't want to talk about my week or my depression, I want T to tell me what the hell I do to get better. In steps. When I am freaked out I want him to kick me in the *** and tell me how to stop. But they won't tell you what to do...it's the whole mirroring and blank slate crap.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

stopdog...I get it. It is so freaking frustrating isn't it? All I want to know is how to get better, I don't want to talk about my week or my depression, I want T to tell me what the hell I do to get better. In steps. When I am freaked out I want him to kick me in the *** and tell me how to stop. But they won't tell you what to do...it's the whole mirroring and blank slate crap.

I know they can't tell me what to do. Plus that is not what I want. I do want everything with the therapist to relate to why I went to therapy.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pbutton

This week he proved to me that he understands me well enough to repeat back things that I have told him. He gets it enough to retell my stories (correctly) back to me. Then I can see things with the added benefit of his professional view..

with T1, I never felt all that well understood. When she'd repeat things back to me, there were always omissions, or inaccuracies, or assumptions, and I had to take the time to correct them by retelling. Then one day it occurred to me (slow on the uptake,I guess) that this could be a technique. I did feel a bit manipulated, but I never called her on it, it's an approach I guess.

T2 never misses a THING, and I think she understands me far better, even if she does hear what I say with her professional ears. I will often find her going, "now listen to what you are saying" - and drawing out of my own words a pattern, viewpoint, a feeling that I didn't realize.

[critterlady]

For me, connection is about being understood, even when I don't understand myself. It took a different level of connection to get there. I started out just coming to trust him - that was one level of connection. Then came feeling like I could tell him anything, even if I chose not to - that was another level.

Now, he knows me well enough to make links between things I say that I never put together. He often can identify what I'm thinking and not saying, too. That helps him make even more links. It doesn't get all tied up in a nice, pretty bow, but he understands me and helps me understand myself so much better than the couple of Ts I've seen with whom I really felt no connection.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am having difficulty seeing what connection is and how connection helps in the context of therapy. .

Superdog... this morning I went back in my journal and read all my notes of the meetings I've had with T2 - just over a dozen so far - and was really struck by the way my thoughts about her, our exchanges, the atmosphere in that room hav changed in that relatively short time.

It's not a matter of niceness, or jollity - I think a lot of it is happening at an unconscious level, maybe for both of us. I do see that I came in heavily armed, even though I would have insisted it wasn't so. And I still have trust issues (heck maybe I always will) but it's so different for me now. On her side, I find that her comments to me have, how shall I say it, become warmer and more personal. not in a nice way; in a knowing way. it's hard to describe.

I wonder, do you journal? Could you do the same and see what you learn?

Originally Posted by stopdog

I know they can't tell me what to do. Plus that is not what I want. I do want everything with the therapist to relate to why I went to therapy.

Stopdog...
You said you want to understand why you feel so bad when nothing is wrong... I thought okay so you are looking for a logical reason why you feel the way you do... But the truth is if you feel bad then something is wrong... even if its only subconscious... and it might not be logical to your way of thinking...

I'm so glad that T and I have not just worked on why I went to therapy. I learned that there is so much more going on in my thinking and feeling that affect my life now that I didn't even know about or let myself deal with...

I had to get to a place of just accepting that I wasn't going to understand how therapy works but I've seen the changes for me...real tangible changes... it does work... but it didn't when I wanted to "understand" it all and to control the session and everything that happened in it... I had to just "trust the process" and then I saw progress... (by the way it felt like the most illogical thing I had ever done)

[vanessaG]

Welcome to my world! Haha jk. (kinda). It would make me mad to just to have chit chat. That's happened ALOT is my sessions too & I'm like wait. WHAT are you getting paid for?! I can do this w/ friends. He finally admitted he gets sucked into chit chat easily & some of the most meaningful sessions I've had w/ him were when I showed up in tears/emerg. Visits.

How did he dismiss you?

I guess for me a connection to my T would be to feel that he really 'gets' me or at least understands where Im coming from. To feel he cares at least somewhat and that's he actively listening/involved.

For me connection to my T is more emotional than concrete. Like she just "gets" me. She sees right through the 'little miss perfect' mask I show the world and genuinely likes and accepts the real, imperfect me behind the mask. Feeling that "connection" is what allows me to tell her things I have never told anyone else. And she listens. On so many levels, she listens and hears and understands.

[SpiritRunner]

I thought about this while I was at the gym ..... one thought I had was that trying to explain connection, the whys and wherefores and whatnot of it, is sort of like trying to explain color to a person who has always been blind. How do you explain color, how do you explain it so they could 'see' it? But then, does it really matter to a blind person, if they have always been blind, whether or not they really 'see' color the way the seeing people see it? After all, they can 'see' things in a way seeing people cannot, because other senses are really developed ..... they have their own way of understanding/experiencing the world, a different way of relating to what color might be or mean, even. (speculation ...... but I do know some blind people)
But my thought is, maybe you really do see the color and don't know you're seeing it or aren't sure how to describe it because it's a weird color others don't see like you do; maybe you experience some kind of a connection and think that the way you experience it isn't like others seem to be feeling/experiencing it and so you think you don't have it. Maybe you do feel it and experience it the way that works for you, ( and with some others better than with your therapist) - not that that couldn't be enhanced, perhaps, because you do feel a lack in it.
Others here have mentioned being understood is a part of connection; it was that way for me. And not only that, but, as with T2, being understood well enough that she could peel back the next layer I hadn't quite seen (or just hadn't shared!) and be accurate about that too. Knowing that I have been listened to and heard and understood is a big part of connection to me. Understanding is an important link in effective communication ..... effective communication = effective connection.
Validation doesn't have to be a touchy-feely thing or a needy thing, either. It's just something that says, here, you are a valid person with valid concerns. It says, you are understood and accepted, and you are not broken or bad or beyond help. And you're not broken, stopdog ..... it's just that some things are harder for you to understand and that you question things and that you prefer the cleanness of logic over the messiness of emotion, whether that be because of how your brain has always worked or because of what you went through as a child or some blend of that and other factors. But you're not broken ..... nor are you beyond repair for what does hurt you still or without remedy for what troubles you .......

[karebear1]

"Connection Thingy"..........

Why Stopdog- I do believe that this is one of the most technical terms I've heard from you.

To me, feeleing the connection means feeling comfortable with T. Comfortable to tell her what I'm really thinking, how I'm feeling and what I'm doing without any FEAR of her judgement- only acceptance for what I think, feel and do. That's such a rare thing these days.

Well was it a dismissal or did you percieve it that way. If T dismissed you twice when you had something you wanted to talk about , then maybe you need to set a boundary with her. You are allowed to talk abut what ever you want, it's your dime. On another note, I am assuming you have ruled out anything physical,ie. need of medication. Was this back up T?

You have a partner and you have friends and animals.... You have a connection with all of thare in different ways and at different levels. Let's play a game....You are in a small row boat in the ocean, shark infested waters...all of your current T's and past T's are wanting you to rescue them and you only have one seat left. (physical size does not matter) Who do you choose? You must choose.

[CantExplain]

Hi Stopdog!

I'm pleased to see you asking this sort of question. I think you are moving in the right direction.

A few months ago you were "I don't feel connection. End of story."

Good luck!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hi Stopdog!

I'm pleased to see you asking this sort of question. I think you are moving in the right direction.

A few months ago you were "I don't feel connection. End of story."

Good luck!

Bah - there is no right direction, there is no movement. Save being pleased.
I am still there - nothing here has made connection WITH A THERAPIST sound like a good plan or understandable.