we were wondering if anyone else has these fears about having a good day or even more? like we dont deserve it and always looking over our shoulders waiting for the other shoe to drop or maybe worse? yesterday was spent is such severe flooding flashbacks and today things are actually going pretty good for a change and it just feels-WRONG. its such an unsettling feeling and to us seems like feeling bad is normal and safe. is there anyone else who can identify or are we just plain freakishly weird?

[unaluna]

is feeling good scary?? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y YES YES YES YES YES YES. My T will ask me, "and didn't that feel good?" and I will SCREAM at him, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK ME THAT!!!" like it'll jinx things. because usually I can keep good things going UNTIL I NOTICE IT - once I notice it, it's over. like juggling or something. so es, absolutely yes. it's the evil eye - probably just my mother's evil eye, but still! ETA: when I was taking DBT, I learned that "deserve" is not even in my vocabulary in a good way. like I deserve crummy stuff to happen, but I would never say, I deserve a nice home.

Yes feeling good IS scary I agree!

[crazylife]

I'm quite scared of having a standard happy/good day to, I've had bad times none stop for 10 years and I've got to the point now where if i did have a good/happy day i'd miss it, just not realize or i wouldn't know what is going on and freak out. If you've ever done a WRAP plan, trying to write down how you are when your ok is a nightmare. Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by hankster

is feeling good scary?? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y YES YES YES YES YES YES. My T will ask me, "and didn't that feel good?" and I will SCREAM at him, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK ME THAT!!!" like it'll jinx things. because usually I can keep good things going UNTIL I NOTICE IT - once I notice it, it's over. like juggling or something. so es, absolutely yes. it's the evil eye - probably just my mother's evil eye, but still! ETA: when I was taking DBT, I learned that "deserve" is not even in my vocabulary in a good way. like I deserve crummy stuff to happen, but I would never say, I deserve a nice home.

oh thank goodness we arent alone!!!!! and doing good until we notice it-YES!!!! we were always told "quit focusing on the negative and look at the positives"-but what if the negatives were the positives???

Originally Posted by crazylife

I'm quite scared of having a standard happy/good day to, I've had bad times none stop for 10 years and I've got to the point now where if i did have a good/happy day i'd miss it, just not realize or i wouldn't know what is going on and freak out. If you've ever done a WRAP plan, trying to write down how you are when your ok is a nightmare. Hope this helps.

what is a WRAP plan?

[crazylife]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

what is a WRAP plan?

It's a book you fill in to deal with crisis' and learn about yourself - IMO it's a waste of time when you don't know how you feel when your well but some people find it helpful.

wondering if anyone else relates?

Yes. Every time I have a 'good' mood or feel 'okay', I feel like I can't trust it. I feel like 'how can I be happy, my life sucks. I must be delusional. Maybe I'm manic.. what if I'm manic?!?'

It's a sad state of affairs. Oh, and in the end I always ruin it by putting pressure on myself to do too much - chores around the house, planning a future - because I IMMEDIATELY start feeling like a phony, like people will say 'she's smiling, see, she's not 'depressed'! Seems fine to ME! Pfft!'

[sconnie892]

I understand this. I told t not too long ago that is difficult to enjoy a good day because I know a bad day is just around the corner.

Yes. I can relate. Sometimes I even wonder if I sabotage myself when I'm feeling better because I can't handle it.

[Chopin99]

Totally relate. I went 2 weeks without doubting feeling good, but I was bound to fall back...today, in fact.

[SpiritRunner]

yes, I relate too! when you're used to bad things happening or storms coming out of a clear blue sky you do tend to wonder what's coming even when the sun is shining. like not being able to feel safe in relaxing to enjoy it.....I do understand. I've been there a lot.
Now, I try to just be mindful, be in the moment .... if this is a good moment, I am going to enjoy it so I can remember when the storm comes again that after the storm the sun will indeed come again too.
Right now, is relatively peaceful for me in my mind ..... but not so long ago, every day was black as he**, so to me, that the sun is shining is a miracle. Yes, there is the dread awareness in the back of my mind that depression, fear, anxiety, is maybe not so far away for me ..... I am afraid, and yet, I choose to not focus on the dark clouds and storms that may, or will, come, and focus on the sunshine that is MINE in this moment! I will not take that enjoyment away from myself.
You have the right to enjoy a good day and take it into your heart and soul - you have had lots of hard, dark days, and deserve to enjoy ones that are happy and peaceable, too!

its sad that we can all relate to fearing good but also comforting to know its not just us and we arent totally crazy. thank you everyone♥♥♥

Absolutely yes. I am still terrified that if things start going well something else - tragic - is going to happen. I am literally afraid to get comfortable.

Also my feelings are so magnified when I get happy or excited about something it feels more like anxiety. That in itself is truly a miserable feeling.

[rainbow8]

I can relate too. When my T and others ask me if I'm excited about something, like a trip, I say "No, I don't get excited. I get anxious". I'm afraid that something bad will happen so I don't let myself feel good. Maybe I feel good at times but I don't trust that feeling. So, YES, feeling good is scary because it's not going to last long.

I rapid cycle so I find I don't trust stability when I'm feeling it. It really is a significant fear of mine: when will the other shoe drop?

[mommyof2girls]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

we were wondering if anyone else has these fears about having a good day or even more? like we dont deserve it and always looking over our shoulders waiting for the other shoe to drop or maybe worse? yesterday was spent is such severe flooding flashbacks and today things are actually going pretty good for a change and it just feels-WRONG. its such an unsettling feeling and to us seems like feeling bad is normal and safe. is there anyone else who can identify or are we just plain freakishly weird?

I so get this......I started feeling good about a month or so ago, and I had this fear that I was hitting a hypomanic state.....But after talking with my t I realized that feeling good is possible......I guess I was just so used to feeling depressed that I didn't really know how to feel good ( if that makes sense ) ......

[CantExplain]

Feeling good doesn't scare me.
But I do get nervous if everything is under control.

Originally Posted by mommyof2girls

I so get this......I started feeling good about a month or so ago, and I had this fear that I was hitting a hypomanic state.....But after talking with my t I realized that feeling good is possible......I guess I was just so used to feeling depressed that I didn't really know how to feel good ( if that makes sense ) ......

yes it makes perfect sense. we have been told that feeling depressed became familiar and comfortable and so to move from that comfort zone felt threatening and scary

i am slowing beginning to accept good days.
it seems to me though that so much of my life was spent having bad days, and abuse and such growing up that way. It is what feels normal, like i use to feel the need to create a crisis because that i could deal with, that i could handle, that was normal.

i'm learning to enjoy the good days with the simple things.. but oh sooo scary! it took me a long time to realize when they were happening and even longer to feel "okay" while they are happening

[Aslan]

terriflying

we have had 2 semi-good days.....now the paranoia starts to set in.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

we were wondering if anyone else has these fears about having a good day or even more? like we dont deserve it and always looking over our shoulders waiting for the other shoe to drop or maybe worse? yesterday was spent is such severe flooding flashbacks and today things are actually going pretty good for a change and it just feels-WRONG. its such an unsettling feeling and to us seems like feeling bad is normal and safe. is there anyone else who can identify or are we just plain freakishly weird?

I feel you on this one.....but I have come to believe that to a certain extent this is part of the human condition. We did not survive by hanging out on the savannah, lolling about with bellies fulll...evolved and survived by making a hasty exit into cover when the brontasaurus thundered onto the scene.....

...wait a moment....humanoids and dinosaurs did not exist contemporareously, did they? Only on The Flintstones?

You get my point. Don't make this about only you. Lots of people suffer (from various degrees) of anticipatory anxiety, it seems to me. Don't they?

But the trick has been, for me, to recognize when I am "waiting for the other shoe" to drop in an extreme way, and blocking out the many blessings in my life. I still have a fear of happiness and contentment but I am working on this one.... in my current coaching. I am prone to magical thinking, and it seems to me that great things have a hard time materializing if we're not at least a bit hopeful! It's like they don't have a place to land!

I sure do understand. Thanks for your post!