This Rupture May Spell the End

My T just called. I picked up the call even though normally I let her leave a message. I usually feel too guilty about taking up her time having a conversation. But this time I knew I needed the conversation with her, even as scared as I was.

She told me that she understood my hesitation about seeing her. She also does not want there to be an extra upheaval for me before she leaves. She says that psychology is not an exact science and she wants what's best for me.

But she also said that in her gut she felt it was important for us to touch bases. She said she kinda had a fantasy that maybe the session could be another Mary Oliver reading - that we didn't have to process this issue yet. That we could just try to have a light session where tough emotions would not be aroused.

She said I could think about it and let her know. She said that although her week was full, she would save my slots for me and give me plenty of time to think about it. I knew it would be best for me to make a decision now so I told her that I definitely would come in on Wednesday.

But, I said, I don't know about Friday. She said it's o.k. to wait until next week, Wednesday or even Thursday to make a decision. She would save that space for me. She said that neither of us know now whether me coming in next Friday just before she leaves will be beneficial to me or not.

She also apologized again and also made a statement that I thought was interesting. Although she was sorry that I was feeling such pain, she said it was also good this happened. It uncovered a real deep vulnerable place inside of me that needs more exploring.

The last time we had a telephone conversation on 3/24, I brought extra cash to pay her for her time. On this conversation she told me not to pay her extra and like she has said before, these calls are included in her service. I always feel guilty about taking up her extra time and that's why I've done it. But it was a nice touch that she brought it up just now.

Having this telephone conversation with T has made it a slight less scary to see her next week. I think my T is great. I hope we can get past this rupture. My trust in her is shaky right now and I hope it can be restored to its fullest at some point.

I'm glad she called and glad you picked up. You're right, you did need to hear her voice and talk to her; really, I'm quite proud of you for not being the queen of avoidance in this moment anyway!
I like the tone of what she is saying. And I agree, she has a point - it probably is good that something like this happened, to bring this up, so that it can be dealt with, cared for, soothed. Sometimes, or many times, it's the situations like these that strengthen and deepen a relationship, whether it's a RL one or a T one.
I understand why it feels so big to you, why it has shaken your trust ..... because it seems like this is big enough she shouldn't have forgotten it at all. (though I don't think she really forgot; she just had a brain fart! but it's easy for me to say this, because it's you in the situation. If it were me, I'd probably be struggling with similar hurt feelings and need help reframing it, too.)
However, I don't think, dear, that she has forgotten YOU! She knows who YOU are under this, and because she knows you so well, she knows how you need this to be handled by her, what you need to hear from her.

((As for you feeling guilty taking up her time with a phone conversation or whatever, I hope in time you can let go of the guilt sort of feeling that accompanies the legitimate need you have ..... and like she says, it is part of the service she offers, and it's her choice to be available for that sort of thing and offer that service. All you're doing is taking advantage of what is freely offered and that makes perfect sense .... if it's offered and you need it, use it! Without guilt or fear or shame ......
I do understand that feeling though - T2 spent hours on the phone with me (on occasion we talked in the evening for 1-2 hrs, depending on the severity of what was going on in my life/mind at the time). I was so amazed the 1st time I dared to call her and she wasn't in a hurry to hang up, but stayed with me. I made comments about feeling like I should pay her extra for that, a sense of obligation or duty to at least offer that. She said, I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but this is something I have always done for the few that need more time outside of session, when real life things are happening. I worried it was a boundary crossing, or even a violation ..... worried because T1 let her boundaries blur and did more for me than she did for others and worried this was some sort of 'special' treatment that would be taken away when T suddenly like she had allowed too much ..... but she made it clear this fit within her boundaries and within her interpretation of what her responsibility to me as a client and my needs entailed, and was nothing she would not offer to another client, if needed. After a while, I accepted that this something I needed, that she willingly made available to me use (not abuse) and that she trusted me to not abuse it - then I stopped feeling weird about it and enjoyed the security of having it if I needed it.))

okay, practically speaking, you did discuss it in detail at the beginning of the month, then the holidays (and school vacation) happened, and then a couple or so sessions NOT discussing it, and now it's the end of the month and you have been waffling and cancelling (pdoc) and hemming and hawing and texting - and you are mad at her for how she worded something? Do you really think she has forgotten what has gone on this month? If she has truly forgotten, i'd like some of whatever she is drinking or smoking!

I am realizing that my T repeats things very calmly until they penetrate the hankster's defenses. You could take it as that is what she is doing, kinda don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You're not in therapy to question or improve HER behavior. If you feel you can't trust her, you need to explore your feelings about that, not "prove" she is untrustworthy. Yes? No? When did you turn into CantExplain? (sorry, CE!!!) She shows up for every session, that's all the trust she needs to show you. She doesn't make promises and trick you. I'm sorry, I don't know what you are trying to PROVE. She is not superwoman, she never said she was. Try the meds, if you don't like them, stop them. What is the big deal? Are you trying to be annoying? NOT POSSIBLE!!! It doesn't matter if you are, not to T, not to me, not to anybody. Nobody is gonna get mad. WE ARE OKAY WITH IT! So you can stamp your foot and yell "you forgot!" all you want - all you're gonna get is a cuddle on the couch and a there, there. (just trying to understand )

eta - edited for tone, hopefully!

Hold on to this bit, don't let that other crticial bit take over.

I think experiencing a breach in trust and being able to work through it to the other side is a valuable thing to learn.

SD

yeah I think this is where we/i should just follow guidelines more and be supportive. the point is not to rationalize sky out of her feelings, but to support her in the feelings she is having about this situation.

I agree Hankster - all the feelings we have are important and are telling us something that we can learn from - we need to trust our T's in helping us work through them.

I'm glad she called and I'm very glad you took the call and spoke with her. I hope you have a good, trust-building session on Wednesday.

You did GREAT!!! It is ok to still feel shaky on the trust. It hit your heart like a locomotive! But you picked up the phone!!!! You want the relationship and you are willing to work for it. You are able to see how good it is to enjoy a healthy relationship that can forgive and move forward.

I'm glad you picked up the phone and didn't cancel your appointment. I think your T is very wise and some productive work will come out of this situation.

What your T said reminded me of what my T has said to me when similar things have happened. That she never ever meant to cause me pain like that but that it was good that we got to work on something so big. My gut tells me that you'll make it through this, though I know it's so hard. I agree with the other that it's okay to feel a bit shaky in terms of your trust in T right now. I do hope your T helps to make it feel a little bit better during your next appointment. I know it's possible for that to happen. When I went to my sessions after being forgotten (a couple of times) I had almost convinced myself it might be a last session, and T still managed to magic everything back to okay again.