This Rupture May Spell the End

I haven't read through all the posts but I can say this as a T.

There I times I do similar things with clients. And it happens with clients I CARE about because I think about them so much, at times, outside of session. Mostly in comes from, I KNOW it's important, and that it's be weighing on my mind or something I'm mulling over to talk to said client about. And sometimes I'm like, ok, did I THINK about us talking about this subject and that this person would be good to refer to this? Or do we ACTUALLY address it yet?

If this were something that happened between myself and I client, I can certainly appreciate it feels bad. But if they KNEW why I did it, it shows actually that it's because I think about them more often.

skysblue, I'm sorry I didn't get to your thread until now. You've gotten such insightful, thoughtful responses! Now that I read that you've been in contact with your T about it, and read your exchanges with her, I think you're going to work it out. It's not going to spell the end, and I'm glad about that.

Your T is correct that your reaction to her forgetting is an old wound. My T would have told me it comes from a very young part and "let's not judge it but just be curious about it". Going that route is going to be productive for you; your T knows what she's doing!

You're working hard with this, and I agree about it being progress to allow yourself to express your feelings even though you're ashamed. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Like my T says, "that's why I'm here--to help you with it".

I would have felt the same way as you did; I have similar problems due to my child parts. It would have seemed like the ultimate rejection so I understand your "HOW DARE SHE FORGET?" feelings. It's hard to separate our rational and emotional reactions but it's sure good that our Ts know the difference!

Interesting - I would have never thought of that. But this time T cannot get off the hook with your theory. See, she called me on a Saturday to discuss her worries about me. She almost never calls me (I don't request it and I didn't on that Saturday either) AND it was a Saturday. You'd think something so unusual would be somewhat memorable by her.

Still, I don't want to blame her. She deserves a break from the unreasonable expectations I'm having. It's my issue. I do understand that. Still...

I keep replaying the scene in my mind when she asked me, "Have we discussed antidepressants yet?" I keep feeling hit over and over again.

I desperately want to see her/I desperately never want to see her again.

I've sent T a couple more texts. No reply of course. She's busy with clients and I'm throwing a temper tantrum outside her door. Can shame be any worse than that?

"I know I'm talking stupid. So much shame mixed in with my over the top emotions. I am so sorry to be dumping on you like this. I will try to refrain from now on. I will try."

And then only 20 minutes later " The voice screaming at me says, "you stupid f*ckin idiot! What were you thinking with all your disclosure? No wonder you want to be dead. You're trying to be what you're not. Give it up. You are the stupidest person I ever met, you idiot".

So now I must forget it. I must get through the next week or month or year. Now I'm hoping T does not reply. I want her out of my mind. I want life to be normal.

(((((Skysblue)))) It feels like we could be twin sisters right now!!!

You are entitled to feel all these emotions. And you have a right to have a voice in how this impacted you. I love the reply your T gave you! That is what makes a T a T and not a friend. A friend would say "So I forgot something!" ((Well, my friend would)). But a T tells us that we have a right to our feelings. And that is the healthy response.

This hit you in a tender spot. And I get it because my T has asked me stuff that we went over in session many times! In fact, a good part of the session we had today (which I considered to be a WONDERFUL session) was actually T asking me questions about details from the trauma work we have been doing. He wanted to be sure his notes had ages of certain things happening and such.

This is not the first time we have had review sessions. And yes, my T has asked me the same questions several different time. At first it hurt me so deeply! I felt "I opened up and showed you all my pain and my heart and you don't even remember why I sat there in agony in your office bawling my eyes out!!"

What I am learning is that yes, a T is a human and does mess up. And some Ts are better at certain things than other Ts. Some Ts have the memory of an elephant! In fact, if I were a T, I would probably remember all the details about all the clients because that is how my brain works with auditory memory. Kinda like a photographic memory except with sounds. In fact, I have brought up stuff my T shared with me about himself and T was kinda shocked I remembered it!

But I would be no match for my T's skill at being a T in the session with a client. That man is THERE. He is fully with me for every tear. His whole heart is with me. And I would not be able to be a T like that - or not THAT good! So I know that Ts are just like other people, they have strong points and weak points. My T is not good with facts. Your T is not good with facts. It can cause problems for clients. But our Ts are GREAT with being honest and being real.

After I thought about this when the pain was hot about a year ago from something my T forgot, I realized that I didn't want a tape recorder for a therapist. It was OK for me to be upset when my T didn't remember something I felt was important. And it was OK and SAFE for me to talk with my T about it. And it was OK for my T to appologize if needed. But the bottom line for me is that the relationship I have with my T is something I want to enjoy and work through in a positive way. It teaches me about relationships and how to be in one in a healthy way. And a big part of that is the ability to go easy on others who will have different skills than I do. To not toss out the relationship and the great healing one can bring just because the skill of remembering details may not be as good as I have or what I would like.

I hope this helps you out some. Big hugs!!!

That's funny, that is so true for me too. T tells me I remember stuff that people in his personal life don't remember - and it sounds like he wished they had (which is why he should marry ME, not them, but hey, i'm just the patient!). But yeah, what I really want is that he comes in with a fresh ear every time, almost no preconceptions of who I am, what my limitations are, not thinking, same crap, different day; not thinking he KNOWS what i'm going to say next. That would be the worst.

Sending her away because she forgot is like the Billy Mumy episode of Twilight Zone where he wishes everybody into the cornfield if he doesn't like their thoughts. You are so angry that she forgot YOU - the question to be resolved is, are you safe with her? You were not safe with FOO. Is this T a bad decision on your part? In a way, it is really good that you are experiencing this terror with your T - weren't you recently talking about having a consult with another T? Now might be a good time.

Thanks WePow. You've given me food for thought. I'm trying really hard to change my interpretation of her words from what I feel (abandonment) to what it probably really is (just a temporary loss of focus on her part). It's tough.

But you're right - I would much rather have a T that is there for me in the moment (she is) rather than one who can remember everything. Today has been a huge struggle but I finally was able to text T this just 1/2 hour ago:

"It's ok now. I've managed to roll the emotions back inside. I think they're contained now hopefully never to bother us again. So sorry for all the commotion."

But then 5 minutes later I drive by her office (her office is situated on the main road back to my house so I drive by it often) and I saw her car pulling out to leave. I got struck again with a painful emotion. It meant that her last client finished at 4:30 and she was departing then at 5:00.

My first thought was - "Man, she didn't even bother to acknowledge my terribly emotional texts before she went home for the day."

Then my grownup mind thought - "Hey, give the woman a break, will you? She's probably been swamped with basket cases all day. And you want to hog her time and energy? She'll be there when you really need her. And remember, you didn't specifically ask for a response, so your expectations are unreasonable. In fact, you really don't want to burden her, do you?"

And that's the truth. I want her to get her rest. I don't want to add more to her busy day. I don't want to be a nag. So, I'll leave her alone until next week's session. Man, has it been a volatile day. Thanks everyone for your wonderful input. It has helped a lot.

I guess I'd say I'm safe with her. But sometimes it doesn't FEEL safe just because of occurrences like yesterday. But, with T, I can challenge myself to face the emotions and I know she'll be there to support me - no matter what I'm feeling.

Yes, it still hurts.

Good job. That is tough to know T "could have" responded, but didn't. I go through that a lot with T. And it is difficult. But I know he is doing it because he is trying to show me things about giving people space to experience their emotions. The more "noisy" I get in emails and panic after a rupture, or even with trauma flashback stuff, my T becomes silent. He told me that they "Hold the Space" for a client.

Oh WePow - thanks so much for this kind of interpretation. It really helps a lot. It makes perfect sense. Instead of her rushing in to hold my hand, she's giving me time to learn to cope with my extreme emotions. Man, you don't know how much your comment here is helpful.

So, I left a voicemail with T with a suggestion. I proposed that I not come in to see her next week before she leaves on her short vacation - neither my regular appointment nor the extra appointment I had scheduled.

My reasoning as I explained to her is that there is too much to process and for me to face just before she's leaving. Not only this latest hoorah but my current tough issue I'm struggling with along with my separation anxiety that's getting ramped up.

I told her it seems best for me to now just erect a kind of emotional wall to stabilize myself and to maintain some mental equilibrium that can last me for the next 3 weeks. When she returns we can dive in again.

It doesn't seem wise to stir the pot just before she's going to be absent.

This was the argument I presented to T but I also told her that I trust her expertise and that I would agree to whatever she thinks is best. I'm eager to hear her reply.

I know not going would definitely have been an option for me in a situation like this. On the other hand, going in could calm the waters rather than stir the pot.

Don't you think it might be wise in the long run to go in and try to stabilize the situation with her. I mean isn't that how relationships kinda work? When there is a problem the two people pull together to fix it?

I so very much understand the desire to pull back and lick your wounds, but isn't that kind of an old way of dealing with things? Maybe this is a chance for something new, a little scary perhaps, but better in the long run? Maybe?

I really relate to how you're feeling and I think I would also be struggling with it, if it was me. I've had huge trouble with feeling forgotten in the past and there have been a few occasions when T has forgotten me, or I've though that she had. The time that this all makes me think of was one of the hardest times for me. I was seeing a second T and while my current T was away for a week I was having my final appointment with T2. I told my T how badly I'd feel about this, I can't even put it into words now. I feel like an idiot for saying it, but I think it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was a complete mess during the week when I knew it was approaching. T said she'd text me while she was away. I'd never get in touch with her first while she was on holiday, that wasn't an option, but she said she'd get in touch...and that was like a small bit of hope to hold onto. The only bit of hope I had to hold onto. She didn't contact me, my last appointment with T2 was postponed anyway, but that didn't matter. During that awful week, when T said she'd get in touch, she didn't. It was so hard for me. The thing that helped was talking to T about it once she was back. She even told me that she had thought of me, I think. She didn't have cell phone coverage where she was staying, though she'd also forgotten that she'd said she would get in touch. She was really apologetic and seemed upset with herself. I do feel okay about it now, I think. It's so hard to feel forgotten. It makes me worry about all sorts of things (how T is more important to me than I am to her) and it's makes me feel so sad. I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult. I totally get why it is difficult.

I agree with ellie about going in, to stabilize the situation.
I think, in part, you might be wanting to avoid seeing her because of a bit of embarrassment or whatever over how these big emotions came out of you, because of the texts you sent, and you sort of want to let more time pass between the outpouring of emotion and seeing her and dealing with them while the emotional imprint is still so fresh/raw/vivid?
I have had similar situations with friends, or even with my Ts on occasion, and my impulse was to not go face them because I felt too vulnerable ..... but I can say it has generally worked better to not let too much time pass before coming together and dealing with the situation/emotions together. There has been more peace and liberty and relief in having faced it, faced it together, come through it together, than to be still wondering and waiting, waiting and wondering how it will be ..... your separation anxiety might actually be eased by going, or worsened by not going.
You do actually have a few days, don't you, before your app't, to regain your sense of mental equilibrium? You may see by then that you feel differently about going than you do right now when this is still very fresh and you are still trying to catch your breath after the storm ..... let it rest, let yourself rest, let the decision wait a bit, perhaps...

elliemay - you're right that going might calm the waters instead of stirring the pot. But the operative word here is 'might'. And sure, when there are problems between 2 people, yes, I agree that we should pull together to work things out.

But my concern is that things could get revved up again like they were yesterday and then I'm 'stranded' for 2 weeks. Right now I've gained that equilibrium and I'm desperate to hang on to it. I fear being swept away by that emotional turmoil. Again, the problem here is that T will be gone. If she weren't leaving, I would go in and face it. I've faced tough stuff with her before but always with knowing I can connect with her when it gets too rough out of session.

But, I'll still go along with what T recommends. She still has not returned my phone call.

I agree with SpiritRunner. It sounds more like you might be afraid of what the big reaction meant and how you handled it and might want to allow time to pass so you can both forget about it a little.

For me, I know that delaying facing something like that really just makes it worse. I obsess over it until I have that difficult conversation and, if too much time passes, I build it up to something I simply can't face. I always have much better results if I face it as soon as possible. I always feel better when I do.

Oh yes, you're absolutely right. I think that by letting 3 weeks go by (from session from this Wednesday), we can all forget about it. Yep, I DO want the 'freshness' to disappear.

I suspect T will probably want me to come in because it IS fresh. idk I think that's why she encourages me to text or leave messages. The emotions I'm experiencing are 'real-time' as I report them and she gains a better understanding of what I've gone through during the week instead of a 'cold' report.

For me, I know that my mother would want me to go away and pretend nothing hurt and just deal with it on my own and not bother her. But T would want me to come in and be with him so he could comfort me and soothe me - or at least tell me that that is how it was supposed to be, that that is what people do for each other, not to isolate, but to look for love and you'll find it out there / here.

I understand why you don't want to have the session before your 2 week break. I think if I hadn't had the session when I came back from being away for 2 weeks, right before my T's vacation, I may not have been in such anguish. On the other hand, I probably would have been anyway. It's hard to predict, so I think seeing T is always better. In your case, I would not want to sit with my feelings for 2 more weeks.

I wonder if your T is going to feel comfortable making the decision for you. Maybe she wants YOU to make it, which of course is infinitely more difficult, isn't it?

Oh, I realize YOU want to cancel, not a difficult decision, but will go if she tells you to. Sorry.

Yes, I do want to forget those heightened feelings from yesterday. I want to forget the hurt, the fear, the shame of it all. Oh yes, absolutely true. I do not want to face T next Wednesday. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. I want to avoid as much as possible a return to those painful feelings. And if I go in next week I know I would be trying desperately to think of strategies to avoid discussing what happened.

Delaying for me, I think, would not make it obsessive. See, I'm a queen at pushing stuff down and making it disappear. Even T knows I'm an expert at this. If there were Olympic medals for the skill of avoidance I would win the gold medal, no doubt.

I just want to say I get this. I choose to email my T each week after my session because my feelings are in "real-time", as you wrote. When I see her, I get embarrassed and give her the watered down version, which is not the real me, but as you say, often a "cold report".

In the past there have been a couple of times I've called T and said that maybe I shouldn't come in because I feel 'blank', that there doesn't seem to be anything to discuss.

Her reply is that that is one of the best times to have session. She always always leaves it up to me but she will still encourage me to come in.

Yes, I want to cancel. But no, actually I do not want to cancel. Like I've mentioned before I have a desperate need to see her but along with that emotion is a desperate need to avoid her. This push/pull can be agonizing.

Hate to keep bringing this up but I think the magnitude of her forgetting is not so easily swiped away. It was not just a little forgetting. In my mind it is HUGE. Wouldn't you agree with me? Here is the chronology of our antidepressant conversation. I keep a notebook in which I write 'topics' for discussion for the next session and then I write a 'post-op' of which things we did indeed cover and how it went for me. So I'm looking at my notes - not depending on my memory.

3/24 - T called me on a Saturday. I had not requested a callback and nothing, I believe, in the latest voicemail I left her warranted a callback. She very seldom calls me and only when I request it. So this call was unusual for 2 reasons: Saturday, her day off and initiated by her, not me.

It was during this call she recommended I see a pdoc to discuss antidepressants. The next couple of days we texted back and forth about the name of pdoc and her number and my concerns about taking meds.

3/28 session T and I spent entire session discussing my moods and whether to see a pdoc for antidepressants. I told her I would make an appointment

4/4 session T helped me fill out questionnaire from pdoc. She also told me what she would put in a letter to pdoc to give her added info about me. Stuff I may not have felt free to discuss or wouldn't have realized was important.

4/11 session kinda took the day off with tough issues and just had a poetry reading with her.

4/13 extra session told T that I wanted to cancel pdoc appointment. We discussed my reasons for thinking that meds were not an answer for me right now. Although she had a different point of view, she did respect mine. Again, a long conversation about anti-depressants.

And between all these sessions multiple texts to her - about depression and meds.

4/18 session I'm on a 'high' and life couldn't feel any better. Of course, meds did not come up in session.

4/25 session (2 days ago) and this is where my extreme delayed reaction occurred. Of course my mood had dipped a bit from the week before and when I was explaining my thinking/feelings to her, it was then she asked me, "Have we discussed antidepressants yet?"

So aren't I justified in losing a bit of trust in her? I love her, I really do. She is so comforting and supportive and all the things that I think a good T should be. BUT, if she doesn't remember something we spent a lot of time on this past month, how will she remember who I am?

I mean, I've spent 16 months exposing my innards to her so that she knows me well enough to be able to know what I need. But that takes a bit of memory, right? I know some of you think that each session should start completely fresh. I don't agree. If T doesn't know I have abandonment issues or let's say doesn't remember, how can she apply the best treatment for me?

This whole episode has me rattled. I'm ok now emotionally because I've distanced myself from it. But facing her next will be really really tough.

And it's no fun either because she and I were working on another tough issue and I really need her help with it but with trust being eroded I don't know how much I'll really be able to receive her help.

Gawd, I feel like crying.

And I have left her a message this morning asking her if she agreed with me that I should cancel next week's appointment. I just realized that I have set her up. If she agrees with me, I will feel abandoned even more by her.