[skysblue]

Yep, that's me. I will be strong while T is gone. I will not whimper. I will not cave. I will maintain my mental equilibrium. I will hang tight and not let go. I will not need her at all. I can do it. I know I can. I have resilience. I have inner strength. Although on my own I can apply all the coping techniques I've been taught.

I can still feel my emotions but they don't need to overrun me. I will become stronger because I know I don't have T to lean on. I will be forced to dredge up my own inner fortitude. It exists. It has always existed. T has propped me up while I've learned to excavate it. I don't need her anymore - at least not for the next 2 weeks.

No matter what crises may appear, I can handle them. I am not a wimp. Wimps don't fight and continue the struggle. I will continue to fight. I can still cry and I can still feel weak, but I know I will survive. Pain has been felt before and I survived. Why fear pain so much? It's part of the human condition. Without feelings of pain on occasion, could we ever fulfill our human potential? It is with pain that we become part of the human family, that we can feel true empathy for others, that we can know compassion, inside and out.

I feel like a toddler just learning to walk. It is scary venturing out without support. I will fall. I know I will fall. I will sob and be hurt. But I will raise myself up again, just like the child trying to balance himself, and keep on going.

It will be o.k.

[Mike_J]

Yes, yes you will.....

[granite1]

you will be ok SKY it will be hard and probibly miserable but you will be ok and in two weeks you will see your T again and you will still be ok

[Chopin99]

It is hard AND you will make it!

This is beautiful. Print it out and reread it whenever things get tough. You're thinking clearly and your resolve is strong. If, over the next 2 weeks, those sneaky emotions & doubts start to rear their ugly heads, read this!! This is you -- this is sky. You will be OK. You're stronger than you think. One day at a time, or one hour at a time. You'll do it. Thanks for such an inspirational post.

Youre definitely doing better than i am!!
You can totally handle and will be ok.

You are amazing, sky. You are strong. You can do this. And if you need extra help, you can come here and lean on us for a bit.

[confuseduk]

You can do this Sky, we will be there for you. Hold on to T's words and the touching poem she shared with you

[skysblue]

Thanks all. I'm trying to keep the panicky feelings at bay. One of the emotional releases T has offered me is the option to text her as often as I like. I vow not to text while she's on vacation. It's going to be tough resisting. But I think I'll succeed because envisioning her having a nice time and then imagining her noticing a dreadful text arriving from me just makes my blood go cold.

[critterlady]

Deep breaths, Sky.

T has already starting preparing me for his 2 week vacation in August. He's told me about it twice now. I suspect that T vacations will be the topic of many, many threads that months.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Thanks all. I'm trying to keep the panicky feelings at bay. One of the emotional releases T has offered me is the option to text her as often as I like. I vow not to text while she's on vacation. It's going to be tough resisting. But I think I'll succeed because envisioning her having a nice time and then imagining her noticing a dreadful text arriving from me just makes my blood go cold.

One thing that helps me when I'm trying not to do something (eat pizza, phone T, have a 4th glass of wine) is to say that I can do that anytime I want - but I'm not going to do it right this minute. Yeah, I give myself permission to have pizza whenever I want, and as much as I want. But I'm just not going to have it right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll buy an entire pepperoni & mushroom one all for myself. But not right now. I'm good at procrastinating anyway, so this works for me.

If it becomes difficult not to text her, maybe you could look at it this way? And just put off texting until tomorrow ... over and over again? It's good that you've resolved not to text, but for the wrong reason I think. I don't think you're powerful enough to ruin her vacation. If you need the emotional release, take it. Seriously, she gave you permission. Think of it as a fire extinguisher hanging on the wall with a sign "Break glass in case of emergency." Use it if you really need it!

[rainbow8]

It may be hard but yes, you will be okay with your T away. I have 5 days left until my T comes back. The days do pass, though slower than I would have liked. One suggestion: It's great to be strong, but don't be TOO strong. It's okay to cry, to miss your T, to think about her. And text, if you have to. I didn't want to bother my T on her vacation but I emailed a few times. She may not have read them yet but it helped me to feel connected to her. And post here if it helps. It helped me. I hope the time goes quickly for you, skysblue.

[SpiritRunner]

yes, you will be OK. and yes, you are strong! you are strong because you ARE facing your emotions and your fears and living with and through and above them.
It's good to know that you do have the option to text T if you need. Just allow yourself to feel the security of knowing you have that if it's needed, and it's OK to need and to use it. Give yourself permission to do it just like T gave you permission already.
What theBunny said reminded me of something I do sometimes - occasionally, there will be something that makes me want to laugh at an inopportune time (say, in church) and I learned that if I kept telling myself, don't laugh, it only increased the urge to laugh and I invariably did laugh. So I decided to turn it around and say to myself, go ahead and laugh, it's OK, go ahead! Sounds odd maybe, but that helped better to control the urge than fighting it.
So just say to yourself, it's OK if I do ..... and OK if I wait to do it too .... not fighting the need or denying it to yourself will help you.

[skysblue]

I'd like to try to explain to those people who don't understand this fear of T's absence. If you had asked me a couple of years ago if I could have feelings like this I would not even have understood the question. It would have made no sense to me. And, of course, without 'experience', such things cannot be understood - at least not in their fullest. Still, I will attempt to share my story so that those of you who wonder how I can feel so nervous that a person I see only 50 minutes a week will be gone for 2 weeks.

See, it's like this. Let's say you have a seed or a kernel and it has been dormant for many years, you may think there is no life within. But by tender care and watering, the seed comes alive and begins to grow. But that growth does come with a cost. The exterior shell must be discarded so that the softness and vulnerability of the inside can take root and flourish.

So, I guess I'm like the dormant seed. I guess I never opened up my shell and never gave myself the opportunity to dive deep. Heck, I didn't even know there was a deep.

Raging issues forced me into therapy and I am so grateful I took that step. Sometimes I feel a kinda divine intervention or something like that. I could have worked very hard to keep the kernel from bursting open but it probably would have resulted in becoming extremely toxic and destructive - all from within.

So, beginning therapy I thought I had just one, more or less, simple problem. How did I know that that problem was just the tip of the iceberg? How did I know that by being in therapy all kinds of buried and hidden and suppressed emotions would show their face?

With growing trust in a therapist and with stronger ability to 'expose' and divulge myself, more and more tough and painful emotional hurts come to the surface and are seen and grappled with.

Only my therapist knows about them. And myself. Only the therapist is there for me in my most vulnerable moments. Only the therapist stands by me no matter what.

The goal is, I think, somewhat of an emotional independence. But it doesn't happen over night. My T calls my situation a story of developmental delays in regards to emotional maturity. I was taught to be strong and stoic and never to display feelings. So, I never knew it was ok and healthy to have feelings, let alone learn how to manage them.

In the book, "A General Theory of Love", the authors make the case for limbic resonance. Our emotional brains feel attunement with the therapist. And with this attunement comes a feeling of being heard and being understood. It is, for some of us, being KNOWN. Those of you who have studied attachment patterns and how attachment to therapist can be part of the healing process will know what I'm talking about. If a young child did not experience this, then as an adult, he may need it to be able to become a whole person unto himself by having healthy attachment to their therapist. And by that, learning independence.

Once limbic resonance is felt, limbic regulation is the next step. Quoting from the above book, " If patient and therapist are to proceed together down a curative path, they must allow limic regulation and its companion moon, dependence(my emphasis), to make their revolutionary magic."

Another quote from the book reads, "Human physiology finds a hub not only in light, but also in the harmonizing activity of nearby limbic brains. Our neural architecture places relationships at the crux of our lives, where, blazing and warm, they have the power to stabilize.

Trust in the therapist is a prerequisite. "But a patient has to stomach the proposition that his emotional convictions are fiction, and someone else's might be better. Not everyone can do it. A therapist should have a sign in their office, like the minimum height for roller coasters, ' YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TRUSTING TO RIDE THIS RIDE."

So, trust builds up while at the same time emotions released are roiling, threatening to destroy all in its path. These emotions initially are helped managed by the therapist's skill in offering valuable support and understanding. Knowing the therapist is available allows a sense of safety - that no matter what is experienced internally, help is close by.

So, when the therapist is absent and a person is still in the stage of learning about and experiencing heightened emotions, there is a fear - at least for me.

The final stage (limbic resonance and limbic regulation being the first two) is limbic revision. " Therapy's transmutation consists not in elevating proper Reason over purblind Passion, but in replacing silent, unworkable intuitions with functional ones." I feel myself entering this stage.

But as my therapist tells me the process is not linear. Many times I have felt that I am finished with therapy and then huge waves of unknown emotions pound me. They come from nowhere (it seems) and proves that I still have work to do.

I believe that it's probably a good thing that therapists are not always available. It gives those of us who depend on them the opportunity to try to stand on our own legs, to access those stabilizing muscles and use them to grow in our own sense of security and to experience taking care of ourselves.

It's all a learning process and I'm grateful that I am no longer a dormant seed and that my future holds a complete flowering of myself. I have trust and I have faith.

[rainbow8]

I want to read that book, skysblue. Maybe it's a good one for the book club. I'm going through those stages of limbic resonance and regulation too. You write so eloquently about your journey. I understand the fear. I have felt it all the time my T has been away. I can't shake it though I can live with it. It's manageble. You will be okay. Thanks for sharing.

What an excellent post, skysblue. Thanks so much for this. I love the seed analogy, it's very beautiful. I'm going through something similar, but it's a kind of rebirth, rediscovering myself. I think I'll read the book, too. I'm still not sure what kind of "togetherness" I have with my T, and it sounds like this explains it very well.

I DO understand about you missing your T. After my appt next week, I'll have to go 2 weeks w/o seeing him and I just hate it. And by that time, your T will be back.

[turquoise4]

This thread hits close to home to me as I am currently dealing with a T break right now as well. Your post was really helpful to me, because I sometimes beat myself up for being so dependent on T. Your helped me understand better about how dependence is part of the T process. I can definitely relate to how hard therapy breaks can be...but it is true as you described you will be able to get through it. Thanks so much for this post.

P.S. I'm new to this site, but not to therapy and all of the issues connected to it. You might see more of me around this forum

[rainbow_rose]

it will be ok.

i like your resolve, skysblue

[Freefall1974]

Skysblue- I love what you have written. It hits close to home for me also. I can get anxious when my T goes out of town for the weekend. It doesn't affect my appointment with T, I have T's cell phone #, but still it bothers me. We are just beginning to discuss attachment ( after working together for just over 2 years). I agree that there is something for us to learn when they go on vacation. It's painful. I am hoping a sign of "getting better" will be when I don't care when T goes away and I can say "have a great trip" and mean it. But no hug.....boundary issue.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by skysblue

....Another quote from the book reads, "Human physiology finds a hub not only in light, but also in the harmonizing activity of nearby limbic brains. Our neural architecture places relationships at the crux of our lives, where, blazing and warm, they have the power to stabilize.

I don't usually find much "truth" in therapy books, because, I think, they do usually fail to incorporate our evolutionary biology. THIS, however, does. I definitely think for the vast majority of humans, the stabilizing power of other humans in synch is a powerful, instinctual, and innate aspect of being human. The documented release of both endogenous anxiolytics and hormones of "well being" indicate the potency of meaningful human interaction again and again. This can be also mimicked by interaction with animals as well. I think it is something humans were hardwired to seek and do.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Trust in the therapist is a prerequisite. "But a patient has to stomach the proposition that his emotional convictions are fiction, and someone else's might be better. Not everyone can do it. A therapist should have a sign in their office, like the minimum height for roller coasters, ' YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TRUSTING TO RIDE THIS RIDE."

Or at least willing to try.

If, again, we reduce it to basic human physiology and instinctual responses, I think it follows that not everyone will fit the mold of "suitable for therapy". I interacted with a whole lot of people, from all over the world, and I've come to the conclusion that there are those among us who are the "sentinels" - the natural loners who travel associated with the pack, but whose evolutionary "job" was to watch, warn and anticipate threats. I have a lot of this "sentinel" in me, and most of my friends joke that I should work for FEMA planning emergency responses. Yes I am prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

however, I seem to have a foot in both worlds, as I am happy alone AND with others. Did I hit the emotional evolutionary jackpot? I'm beginning to think so.

Originally Posted by skysblue

So, trust builds up while at the same time emotions released are roiling, threatening to destroy all in its path. These emotions initially are helped managed by the therapist's skill in offering valuable support and understanding. Knowing the therapist is available allows a sense of safety - that no matter what is experienced internally, help is close by.

So, when the therapist is absent and a person is still in the stage of learning about and experiencing heightened emotions, there is a fear - at least for me.

Again, I absolutely agree with this. As infants were absolutely dependent on others for our fundamental survival. I can only imagine (and thank god we can't remember) what it must have felt like to be hungry and rely on others to get food. We had to be dependent and trusting that food, water was coming. We had to know that help was close, very very close in fact.

However, fundamental survival is not the whole story. We also have to do this with emotions, just as you indicate in your post. We have to learn that a stable emotional attachment can be formed, that someone is close by - THERE. The therapy and by proxy, the therapist becomes the vehicle through which we learn.

Again, great post. Sounds like a great book.

Your therapist will be home soon. You can tolerate this distress. You'll be fine.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by elliemay

However, fundamental survival is not the whole story. We also have to do this with emotions, just as you indicate in your post. We have to learn that a stable emotional attachment can be formed, that someone is close by - THERE. The therapy and by proxy, the therapist becomes the vehicle through which we learn.

Your therapist will be home soon. You can tolerate this distress. You'll be fine.

elliemay - very interesting comments you have made. I find them quite intriguing. But, yes, the whole idea of the importance of stable emotional attachment being so critical for a sense of well-being was such news to me. But of course, I THOUGHT my emotions were o.k. - I just didn't know about the deep well that contained so many more than I was aware of. I know I've learned so much more in the last 16 months in therapy than I have my entire life beforehand. I feel blessed that my path took me this direction.

Yeah, my T will be home soon. I'm trying to avoid distress by keeping myself very very busy. Although an introvert I'm trying to fill up my social calendar for the next couple of weeks. I'll be exhausted by the time she returns.