Upsetting news today

Thanks Sky. Yes, I know talking about it is important, and I will. I think I am still in shock, or stunned....I am sure I will talk about it, I'm just not sure how well I will be able to talk about it tomorrow. I guess we'll see how it goes. Maybe once I get there I'll do better than I imagine right now. But right now it feels like it is really hard to talk. So I'll just have to see how it goes when I get there. I think I have to adjust to the news. My guess is the next visit may be better for talking. I'm still getting used to the news in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense.

Take care,
ErinBear

I'm sure it's hard to even think about this. Maybe if you wrote all the thoughts down... if you can... and leave it with T if you don't get it out while in session... that might help. (((hugs)))

Thanks Sky. I may end up writing it down, writing down often is helpful for me. We were supposed to meet today, but as it turned out, unfortunately he caught a bug and we couldn't meet. I sure hope he feels better soon! I wish him such a speedy recovery. It was also a disappointment - it was hard to get there and not have the meeting today. I have been pretty upset since the last meeting we had, and I really wished we could meet today. sigh.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Take care,
ErinBear

Sorry, Erinbear, about losing your T. That's a tough thing to go through. I've been through it too.

Thanks CMS - I'm sorry you've been through it before too. It's hard to lose a T. I've been through it before myself. I don't know whether it will be worse or better this time. I hope it will go better this time - at least I have some warning, and I know we are leaving on friendly terms. That part is helpful. But it is still going to be hard to stop seeing him as a counselor. We have had a very good working relationship. I've been thankful for it.

Thanks -

Take care,
ErinBear

A few of us have lost, are losing and will someday be faced with what Erinbear is going through....T moving and the end of therapy with the T of your choice...So my questions for all of us are...how does one cope? what can one do to ease the shock and pain?...What did you do? What helps? Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated

Hey Erinbear..sorry you r loosing your T..

My first T...we kept in touch by letters for awhile..every few months, until I got established with my next one..just simple letters..not therapy.."just hope u r well, my thoughts r with u"..I just remember how I thought i would never trust anyone again...but I have...will not forget that first relationship..and it helped give me the foundation to at least continue on with this journey..Take care

My changes of therapists that were my decision - I was glad to drop them . I just went in one day and in the first sentance out of my mouth Isaid Im not coming back goodbye and walked out the door. Those therapists basically didn't see it coming and were left sitting there with their mouths dropped open in shock. A few called and asked me to come in to discuss it and I returned their calls be simply stating the situation was not up for discussion and I already said goodbye and asked that they never contact me again. They honored that and closed my file.

In the situations where it was the therapists decision we spent time together getting prepared for them leaving.

There was a situation in which one of my counselors was forced to leave her clients unjustly. In that case I refused her help in locating a new therapist. Basically gave her the cold shoulder because she was not giving me any information all all. Just one day said we had one week to locate a new therapist for me and when I asked why she refused to discuss it, which made me feel that I had done something wrong and I wanted to know what I had done that had offended her so much that she would hate me so much as to not talk about it with me. For the next couple weeks I gave her a very rough time. Every time she approached me I gave her the cold shoulder. from a distance she saw me with tears going down my face all the while I was working and attending my classes. My work was a workstudy program with a college and that college donated the use of the property for that crisis centers workshops and training seminars/orientations. that my counselor had worked for. when ever she came in to schedule a room I refused to be the one working with her on the scheduling details. I didn't say anything I just walked away and let the other person on duty take care of it. Finally JEH had enough and arranged with my co worker to have the office to ourselves and she took the time to explain that someone in her agency had made accusations based on her private life that was in fact no ones business but hers.She was fighting it in court and part of this was that the hiring and firing committee fired her so she had no choice but to leave me and one other of her clients that she had hoped to see us through this process from beginning to end. JEH and I never said good bye. instead we exchanged phone numbers and addresses and have been in contact on and off over the passing years. As for her court case - she won.

Alot of my therapy changes came from my having to go underground by way of the Domestic Violence and Rape crisis agencies due to being located by my abusers. In those cases I could not let them know that I would soon be leaving. When you go under ground for your safety and those in the programs you have to give up all contact with anyone that is in your life. That includes friend, relatives, physicians and therapy professions. You basically start literally with the clothes on your back and what will fit in a back pack. you don't even have a name to go by for you have to give up even the name you are born with or were using at the time in which your abuser has located you as being. When its your life or a life of being beaten, raped and so on and is basically the abusers life or your own you don't think about or worry about leaving a professional behind or the professional leaving you and what to do. for those issues are basically non existant you have to leave of be killed pain and simple and do what you need in order to be physically safe - you leave. I still think about the many great therapists that I have had to leave behind. But I don't sink into a great depression of I didn't have closure and neither did those therapists.

In other cases with therapy I have had to change therapy professionals and that therapist and I were able to go through the agencys protocal of transition which includes discussing the therapy change and that therapist helps the cleint in researching prospective new therapists and going with the client to the first few sessions to help make that transition go smoothly and make sure that the therapist is the right match for the client. This is the standard protocal for therapy agencies in the USA.

On a personal level I don't worry to much about therapist changes. Things happen in life and there is not always going to be a"closure" with the situation I learned that concept well with the situation with JEH. Therapists also get hit with "Shoit happens" So for me a normal therapy experience includes knowing right from the beginning that unfortunately most therapy experiences with one therapist usually only lasts a year or two. If you get lucky you will have the same therapist longer.

So I don't worry about having to see someone new and focusing on "getting closure" when it does happen.

I instead make the most of the time I do have with each therapy professional. For that is the only thing that is in my control -

I can have a good or great experience by making sure I know why I am in therapy and what I want to accomplish and some ideas for how I want to accomplish those goals during therapy time and following through by giving it my all including trying things that my therapist suggests.

OR

I can not talk, not try the therapy activities and so on basically sabotaging and wasting the megabusks it costs to have a therapist helping me. Since I am on state medical insrance if I did this not ony am I wasting my time and the therapists time and my money but I am also wasting every wroking persons money because it is those that work that contribute through taxes and so on that is paying for my therapy sessions. This choice also reflects on the citizens off america because when the government recieves the polls and census reports and so on they have to make cuts someplace to make up for other areas and when those reports are not favorable of mental clients learning and actually gaining and using the therapy that amercian citizens are paying for they end up making more cuts to them and giving more to the programs that have success rates and sometimes cutting right out those of little to no success rate so that the programs with success rates can continue so that america isn't losing as much money in those non successful areas any more.

Comparing the two I choose to make the best of my therapy experience while I have. With all these government cuts someday there may not be a state medical insurance that covers mental health care.

So I guess this is my suggestion - If you are in therapy now - make the best of the time you have with the present therapy professional and not waste time worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.

For those entering therapy remember that therapists are not forever and ask questions about what the transition process is so that you and the therapist can set up a transition program ahead of time which will save needless worrying all throughout your therapy experience.

For those in this right now take that therapist up on the USA protocal of the therapist helping you to research new therapy options that way when it is "the last day" both you and the therapist have had closure and you are ready to move on instead of remaining stuck in the losing / lost therapist depression mode.

And always remember a therapist cannot always control the money problems and the "shoit happens" that results in loss of a therapist suddenly. Take time on and off during the present therapy process to discuss this. That way when it happens because its going to happens sooner of later if you remain in therapy it isn't totally debilitating on you. Its like any physical crisis like an earth quake there are things you can do now that will help when it happens being prepared in 95% of the battle.

Thanks Myself I too have left a T or so that I just didn't care for but mostly I/we that have had threads on this lately have a deep attachment ...

you said

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In the situations where it was the therapists decision we spent time together getting prepared for them leaving.

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do you remember what those things were ? Like how you and your T's prepared? I am thinking that may be of help to many who are losing T's they care deeply about

AND THANKS

oh yea I do remember. In fact I just went through the transitional process of where my therapist and I decided it was time to find someone new. Even though we both planned out what was going to happen when that time came I ended up relying on that therapist for making that final decision.

Ok back track - because of my history with dropping therapists and therapists leaving or switching me on to someone else for what ever reasons, they felt they were not qualified for my problems and the stress of my abusers, lack of money, they got fired or laid off, burned out and so on. So many reasons packed in this history of therapy professionals in my life.

Anyway During my very first session with SKR in 2001 I told her flat out I knew our time was limited just because every professional I have had was there for 2 years or less. The people I have met along the way during my public life also had a history of the same professional for 2 years or less so I needed to know how committed she was to this. She said she was going to remain on the case at the very least until my son came home. And she did that my son came home 14 months later (2002)and she was still here 9 months later when he was put back in care to go through a treatment program. and she was still here at that 2 year mark (2003) dispite a DHS workers efforts to split us up. and she was here at the three year mark (2004) dispite the DHS caseworkers efforts and the therapy agency went through lay offs because of a government cut backs during that whole previous year.

As you already know from my other posts SKR and I within our first year together realized that we had become friends past what was ethically allowed so we had to decide then what to do about it. We both decided that we would continue with our therapy relationship and place our budding friendship under lock and key so that we could remain together as therapist and client, and that no matter where we lived be it where we live now or one or the other or both moved out of state, or her work schedule didn't allow much time together and I became a rich and famious author of my published book LOL that we would always be friends.

At that time we set up our plans in case a day came when one or the other of us decided our locked friendship was breaking free and interupting my therapy process. After that we had many discussions about how to get through the ethics law of one year no therapeutic contact. It never did. SKR and I made a great therapeutic team so much so that the things we did in therapy jumped me years ahead of where most DID clients are in the therapy process for DID.

Anyway long story short the stress of the DHS caseworker Cynthia attempts to come between SKR and I, SKR being one of many great therapists with this therapy agency that got laid off solely because they hadn't been with the agency 5 years which was the time frame that the agency used in deciding who to lay off, on top of that a relative of SKR's died resulting in her traveling out of state because she was the will executor chosen by that relative. On top of that some aspects of the 24/7 therapy program that SKR and I developed was very exhausting and stress ful at times.

It finally came down to the both of us realizing that eventually therapy time had to go or we were going to lose one or the both of us in the process orf holding on to the therapy time..We knew this at the time she had gotten laid off (6 months before we gave notice to the court of our searching for a new therapist)

When she got the news that she was definately on the lay of list we discussed it in her car on the way home from one of my therapy sessions. We started our previously made plans for changing our therapy relationship into a friendship relationship. It wasn't something we talked about doing during our car discussion. We both just did it.

I knew the tansition from client therapist relationship to freidship relationship was going to be hard because we had had many disscusions about the process but I didn't think it was going to be so hard so I declined SKR's offer to get me set up with a new therapist I told her no I didn't want anyone else and if I couldnt have her for a therapist I would finish what we started alone. My therapy progam was completely self sufficiant. I could do this and I will make it.

I stopped erasing any messages I got from her on my phone voice mail. We both made double sure that I had everything on track. She started slowing down on my sessions from once a week to once every two weeks and a phone call in between.

Then that switched to monthly face to face and phone calls every other week, and then no face to face therapy just my dropping off my journals, artwork and workbook activities at her home. she would call and let me know if she felt I was on track and if I was missing looking at something.

She collected and gave me things that I could add to my therapy program. I put those items aside for the one year time frame so that when she couldn't talk to me I had those items to fall back on.

I contacted our state board of certified and licensed clinical social workers and found out that I could write to her but she could not repond in any way during that one year.

I wrote a note to myself letting me know what was going on when it was time for her to not call me any more. in case I could not remember what was happening and why.

Then when she thought I was ready she stopped the phone calls. And I did great for a while but I could feel myself slipping back into depression and didn't want that to happen so I escaped the whole situation by going into my mental safe place.

This turning a therapy relationship was harder then I had though. One day I was in rapid switch. I knew something was wrong but I could not stay aware loong enough to do anything on my emergency list. It was like a death to me.

A friend called me because she hadn't heard from me that day. She tells me that she talked to me in so many memory pieces that she could not understand anything but I needed SKR but would not call SKR. and I could not explain why - that I had to go a full year with no contact so SKR and I could be open friends for the rest of our lives. Somehow my friend got SKR's home number from me placed a call to SKR letting her know I was falling apart . I don't know what they talked about I don't dig my friends for information.

I was finally able to stay aware long enough to free write what I was thinking and feeling and dropped it off to her house. SKR wrote me back asking me if I wanted her to help me locate a new therapist so that I would not be hurting anymore.

I took her up on the offer but the only reason I did was because I knew it would put an end temporarily to this no contact phase we were in.

I was in a support group and liked what someone was saying about their therapist that happened to still be at this same therapy agency. My therapist picked me up and we went to the agency office to open my file so that I could see this therapist to see if I like her. SKR also had two other choices for me in other therapy agencies. I knew the longer it took to choose a new therapist would mean the longer it was before the ethics one year time frame ended and I wanted to get it over with.So when My first choice fell through because of too many on that therapist caseload I agreed to let SKR, her supervisor E and the intake therapist make the decision. I told SKR if it was going to be left up to me I would find a problem with each one just to keep her on the case.

LL was decided and agreed upon because from E's point of view LL was the one that is the DID professional with the agency and I had DID. My point of view I don't care who I get as long as this one year gets done and fast.

SKR went with me to that first session with LL and the next day I went to SKR's house. She asked what I thought and I told her - "she's a stiff with potential" Stiff meaning too formal and textbooky. But with potential meaning maybe after I see her for a bit she will lighten up. she has read the reports by Cynthia and the psych eval that Cynthia had set up by leading the testing professional to believe that I was totally nuts and dependant on SKR for EVERYTHING.

So SKR went to the next appointment with me and then at the thrid SKR said "I won't be coming next time so and so will be ok right?"

That told me that SKR was ready to start the one year time frame and basically asking me if I was ready too. If I had said no to her statement she would have continued to go to appointments chacking out the other two choices for therapist. I looked at her and told her yes meaning I was ready for this one year time frame to start again and this time I would be ok.

Then for the next year I kept myself on track so we would not have to start the time frame over with. My friend who had allerted SKR to my falling apart on the phone was great. She called me twice a day and I went to her place almost every weekend.

SKR had the hard part of making sure that she did not anser my many phone calls to hear her home voice mail message. If I showed up at her house no matter how much I tried to catch her and talk with her she had to avoid me and yell at me and make me go home.

It was hard so hard on the both of us but we made it past that one year. I started getting to know LL and at times completely confuse LL because she did not know of the ethiclaw of the one year time frame. and did not know that SKR and I had decided a full 4 years before this that we would remain friends should we ever had to drop therapy together. LL saw the situation as my being in denial of losing a therapist. Sometimes this irritated me because LL kept trying to get me to tell her how I felt about losing my therapist but I also figured out that it bothered LL that she could not get me to face the loss of my therapist. I was like a broken record skipping on "Im not losing SKR just the therapy time" and quote the ethics law. The more she pushed to get me to talk about losing SKR the more I pushed back by saying I was not losing SKR just the therapy time and that has been dealt with and quote this ethic law.

Finally the one year timeframe came within a week and LL went to find that law I kept quoting and then with print off of it appologized and admitted that SKR and I were not doing anything wrong by remaining friends.

Even though SKR and I are friends now not therapist and client the things that she and I did to prepare for dropping the therapy time definately helped because I toll you it was 1000 times harder not having therapy time with her. If it wasn't for the things we planned and our many discussions about the process before actually carrying the plan out I never would have made it through and most likely would not be here today.

Hi Myself,

Thank you for your messages. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many transitions with your counselors. That must have been extremely difficult. I'm also sorry that so many of the transitions have had to happen when you had to leave for safety reasons - that is even harder, I think, when it isn't your choice.

On the plus side, I feel thankful you were ultimately able to stay friends with SKR, even though it sounds like that was a difficult transition to make, too. But in the long-run, I hope it was good that you were able to make that transition into friendship. It sounds like SKR was a really important person in your life, adn I'm glad you were able to stay in touch.

Thanks for sharing about your experiences, Myself - I think you've been very brave to stick with counseling even with all of the challenges you've faced.

Take care,
ErinBear

Thanks and you're welcome Erinbear.
Yes SKR is a special person we went through so much together and also had things in common for example shes a single mom raisng a challenging child and so was i. She was a survivor of cancer and I was just diagnosed with cancer, and sso many other things that we had in common.

I had no choice but to enter therapy again. because I spent years out of therapy and when I did have therapy years ago I did not take care of things. Back then I was in denial of my DID and thought I didn't need no therapist to take care of my depression and so on. I also refused to be in therapy because of having been raped while in a mental health unit. The only way back then that I could prevent landing in MHU's due to suicidal behavior and self harm behavious was to not be in therapy. Well as unfinished and unresolved problems do everything cascaded and I was going to kill myself. Luckily I had tought my child about good touch and bad touch and tought him if he ever felt he was in danger or a situation he could not handle he was to go for help. He is a big part of why I am still here. and also a freind of mine who I somehow ended up on the phone with during that very dangerious situation. The end result was my child was placed into foster care and I was court mandated to remain in therapy as my therapist designated. If I hadnt been court mandated I would not have stayed in therapy and learned that not all therapy is like what I had experienced in the past.

I learned therapy was what YOU the person in therapy makes it. A therapist makes their therapy plans for a client based on what they bring into the sessions. So the client is actually the one in charge during therapy not the therapy. A therapist can't MAKE us do anything. All they can doo is remain objective and pointout ant parts of the situation that we are avoiding. Sometimes that makes the client upset because they would rather avoid and bury instead of take care of things.

Once I made that connection that therapy is only as good as I bring into it, I realized that all those therapists in the past that I considered jerks and not good and so on were actually going on what I was doing. I wasn't talking to them, I wasn't trying their suggestions and I wasn't taking care of my problems. I expected them to do all that, they were getting the money so they should be fixing me right. Well therapy dont work that way. Those therapists were not in my life 24 hours a day I was so I was the only one that could take care of those problems and make my life better.

After I figured that out and my child was on his way to the DHS office to be put into foster care I knew the only way I could get my son back was do whatever that intake caseworker said and a few days later she made sure I could not drop my therapist when things got hard again but requesting in court that I be court mandated to remain in therapy as my therapist designated and follow through with any and all recommendations on the upcomming comprehensive Psychological evaluation. As long as those evaluations stated I had to remain in therapy or my therapist stated I needed more therapy time I had to stay in therapy. 4 out of 5 of these past years in therapy was not my choice. The court said I had to be in therapy so I did it.

What made this alot easier was that since therapists make their plans for a client based on what the therapist brought into the sessions - I could do the same thing - make up my own therapy plans before that therapist could come up with plans that I didnt like and did not want to do. LOL Back in 2001 I figured as long as I was comming up with things to do and following through with doing them whatever therapist I ended up with would not be making any plans that I didn't like and all the reports to the court would be favorable. It worked. SKR let me run with my plans and then added to them them if she saw something about them that I was missing. This time therapy even though it wasn't my choice didn't feel like work alot of times. I was still taking care of my feelings and problems but in fun ways like crafts, arts, research, and sop on. SKR once said at a court hearing that she felt she was just there for the ride. I knew what I needed to do and I got out there and did it. LL says I make her job easier for not only am I doing my job but hers too because I make my own plans and follow through and I do it in such a way that I end up covering more parts of the therapy plans then most other clients. Sometimes it a challenge to take a problem and make a plan to solve that problem but makong that plan myself and doing it for mw works better then someone else saying ok here's the deal take it or leave it.

Yes making that transition into friendship was good. If SKR and I hadn't done that we would have lost the both of us. I was going down and she was too with all the stress from the DHS caseworker at that time. It seemed like every time we turned around that caseworker had SKR before the ethics committee for this bogus charge and that one from seeing me too much to not seeing me enough to not helping and co operating with her. We would no more then start getting back on track when that Wicked B...... would throw something else at us. The only was sKR and I knew at that time to get that sorry excuse for a woman out of what I needed to do for therapy was change SKR's and my relationship from therapy to friendship. Once that was done that DHS caseworker could not put this kind of stress on either one of us. It was definately a good thing.

Hi Myself,

Again, you have been through a lot. Even though counseling has been assigned to you at times, I'm glad you've stuck with it and made the best of it. Take good care of yourself....and I continue to wish good things for you as you continue your healing process....

Take care,
ErinBear