Ugh. Grrrr. Eff.

Started trauma work yesterday with T2.

It started by my telling him that I've remembered the name of the guy involved in my csa. My T asked, "What was his name?" and I told him. Out loud. And as soon as I said his name I became terrified.

Then I was telling him about another forgotten episode and while I was telling him the boy's name popped into my head as well. I said, "Shi!, I just remembered HIS name too." And he asked me his name and I told him. Same feeling as the first time.

Saying these names absolutely scared the bejeebers outta me. And I'm reflecting on how "obedient" I was to say the names -- especially the second name when I already knew how saying the first name felt.

And this fear still lingers -- even when I'm distracted by something else. This is just the beginning though, so I guess I'd better get used to it.

I still cannot say "the name". When T says it it feels like torture.

trauma work...icky. I can't even begin to think about it, never mind mention a name. It is really scarey...best wishes to you!!

((((jenluv))) saying the names will give you back your power one day♥

Does anyone know why T wanted me to say their names? I'm assuming it's a good thing for me to say them out loud -- releases them or something. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way. I just journaled that if I had stopped to think about it I probably would have told T the names -- but because it was such an automatic response and not a cognitive choice perhaps saying their names was more traumatic for me? Like I couldn't "brace" for it?

My T and I talked about why I couldn't say my perpetrator's name. I believed that using his name gave him a humanity I felt he didn't deserve. T thought that withholding his name gave the perp more power over me. I'd built the perp into a huge character in my mind and saying his name would make him just a man again.

And, of course, T was right. As soon as I said the perp's name (once I could breathe again), I felt like he'd shrunk 10 sizes in my head. He was no longer some huge figure - he was just a man.