[geez]

I couldn't sleep well last night and maybe slept 5 hours last night. I was anxious just thinking about what I was going to say in my appointment today. I explained to T the best I could about what was going on for me during our 'standing across the room' from one another during the last appointment.

I told her that I didn't want to talk about 'it' but I felt I had to. I told her I didn't want her to walk towards me in the exercise last week because I felt uncomfortable in her doing so. I felt very guarded and anxious. I told T my reason for feeling anxious and guarded was because in reality I really desperately wanted her to be close to me and that doesn't feel right. I also talked about the seduction wanting to give up my power to others and let others over power me. I talked about my old T and 'the hug' situation and how awkward it was and how I initially walked away from her hug because it felt wrong (Way back when I told my old T I wanted to hug her when in fact I really wanted her to hug me).

T1 asked me if some of that situation is in this room right now. I told her yes. She told me that there are things that can't be fulfilled in a therapy room and I of course agreed as that's so obvious.

T2 told me that is normal to be guarded after being so close to T1 to only leave and feel hurt. I'm also guarded for many other reasons some of which relates to CSA and neglect/abuse from parents. She briefly tried EMDR with me and it had no effect on me what so ever. At that point as was so closed off nothing could reach me. She kept asking me what I was feeling or thinking and there were no words. I just kept saying how frustrating and useless this process is and I'm still feeling a bit of that now.

Inside I thought about how desperately I wanted to cry and let it out but my auto response of holding back was there. I desperately wanted to be vulnerable and open to T but it wasn't happening.

We talked a bit about how we have parts inside of us and we connected a bit with the 5 year old girl. She asked me if she was sitting next to me or on my lap. I told her on my lap. She then asked if I could hold her and I couldn't. I feel so horrible inside. I feel like such a failure. Just waiting for the sadness and the tears to come. I wish I could just show them and leave them there in T's office. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone like feel I always have. Alone like the 5yr old girl. I can't stand waiting another week for my next appointment.

My 5yr old girl is pissed right now about the fact that what she needs most and desperately craves she will never, ever, ever, ever get from T.

Thank you for listening as always.

[WikidPissah]

sorry geez.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by geez

her when in fact I really wanted her to hug me).

T2 told me that is normal to be guarded after being so close to T1 to only leave and feel hurt. I'm also guarded for many other reasons some of which relates to CSA and neglect/abuse from parents. She briefly tried EMDR with me and it had no effect on me what so ever. At that point as was so closed off nothing could reach me. She kept asking me what I was feeling or thinking and there were no words. I just kept saying how frustrating and useless this process is and I'm still feeling a bit of that now.

Inside I thought about how desperately I wanted to cry and let it out but my auto response of holding back was there. I desperately wanted to be vulnerable and open to T but it wasn't happening.

We talked a bit about how we have parts inside of us and we connected a bit with the 5 year old girl. She asked me if she was sitting next to me or on my lap. I told her on my lap. She then asked if I could hold her and I couldn't. I feel so horrible inside. I feel like such a failure. Just waiting for the sadness and the tears to come. I wish I could just show them and leave them there in T's office. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone like feel I always have. Alone like the 5yr old girl. I can't stand waiting another week for my next appointment.

My 5yr old girl is pissed right now about the fact that what she needs most and desperately craves she will never, ever, ever, ever get from T.

Thank you for listening as always.

geez, I'm so sorry. Does your T do IFS? It sounds like it. I couldn't hold my 5 year old child, either. For a long time. I don't feel so much during EMDR either, but don't give up on it! I know how it is to want to let it out in therapy and not be able to. I know! That 5 year old child MAY be able to get some of what she craves from your T. It sounds like she's that kind of T, like mine, maybe. She will also help you give it to your 5 yr. old yourself, which I know sounds hard.

Hang in there! This T sounds really, really good!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by geez

I couldn't sleep well last night and maybe slept 5 hours last night. I was anxious just thinking about what I was going to say in my appointment today. I explained to T the best I could about what was going on for me during our 'standing across the room' from one another during the last appointment.

I told her that I didn't want to talk about 'it' but I felt I had to. I told her I didn't want her to walk towards me in the exercise last week because I felt uncomfortable in her doing so. I felt very guarded and anxious. I told T my reason for feeling anxious and guarded was because in reality I really desperately wanted her to be close to me and that doesn't feel right. I also talked about the seduction wanting to give up my power to others and let others over power me. I talked about my old T and 'the hug' situation and how awkward it was and how I initially walked away from her hug because it felt wrong (Way back when I told my old T I wanted to hug her when in fact I really wanted her to hug me).

T1 asked me if some of that situation is in this room right now. I told her yes. She told me that there are things that can't be fulfilled in a therapy room and I of course agreed as that's so obvious.

T2 told me that is normal to be guarded after being so close to T1 to only leave and feel hurt. I'm also guarded for many other reasons some of which relates to CSA and neglect/abuse from parents. She briefly tried EMDR with me and it had no effect on me what so ever. At that point as was so closed off nothing could reach me. She kept asking me what I was feeling or thinking and there were no words. I just kept saying how frustrating and useless this process is and I'm still feeling a bit of that now.

Inside I thought about how desperately I wanted to cry and let it out but my auto response of holding back was there. I desperately wanted to be vulnerable and open to T but it wasn't happening.

We talked a bit about how we have parts inside of us and we connected a bit with the 5 year old girl. She asked me if she was sitting next to me or on my lap. I told her on my lap. She then asked if I could hold her and I couldn't. I feel so horrible inside. I feel like such a failure. Just waiting for the sadness and the tears to come. I wish I could just show them and leave them there in T's office. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone like feel I always have. Alone like the 5yr old girl. I can't stand waiting another week for my next appointment.

My 5yr old girl is pissed right now about the fact that what she needs most and desperately craves she will never, ever, ever, ever get from T.

Thank you for listening as always.

My heart breaks for little you....

[Dreamy01]

I'm really sorry. My T sometimes asks me to 'call the adult in' to deal with the child and I just can't. It is so painful. I don't want to meet my needs, I want T to do it. I totally understand you there. All I can say is keep talking and expressing those feelings and needs; T may not change her mind, but talking can release some energy trapped around those feelings and eventually help you move on. I know it's not the same but it does help.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I'm really sorry. My T sometimes asks me to 'call the adult in' to deal with the child and I just can't. It is so painful. I don't want to meet my needs, I want T to do it. I totally understand you there. All I can say is keep talking and expressing those feelings and needs; T may not change her mind, but talking can release some energy trapped around those feelings and eventually help you move on. I know it's not the same but it does help.

My T did mention that the adult in us shows up and mine was showing up by protecting me. We did a split of how I thought about one person that was comforting to me and then I was asked to think about the 5 year old me. I just kept getting frustrated as I kept feeling like I was running into one brick wall after another and making no progress. T said if I want I can make a list of all the traumas in chronological order (some I talked about today). She would like to start to focus on them to work through them with EMDR. She said however if it feels too intense than I should not push through it as it will create a new trauma for me and it will make me even more defensive.

(((rainbow))) I don't know if she does IFS? but it sounds like she might based on some of things I've seen you post about your T.

My T also said she isn't much of a hugger - but neither am I yet at the same time I have an insatiable craving to be hugged.

Thank you all so much for listening. I feel so much less alone while I wallow in this sadness. Feeling exhausted and want to disappear.

[CantExplain]

The road is steep, but it leads to the top.

[geez]

Thank you all something just popped into my head. At the end of this session it was different after my 'confession'. She usually stands up smiles walks me to the door and says see you next week. This time she stayed in her chair and did not get up. I just walked out after I said 'see you next week'. I felt like my confession might have pushed her away? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

[Sannah]

I don't think that it had anything to do with you pushing her away. Maybe she wanted to write some notes after you left? It could have been for any reason. People do things most of the time that have nothing to do with us.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I don't think that it had anything to do with you pushing her away. Maybe she wanted to write some notes after you left? It could have been for any reason. People do things most of the time that have nothing to do with us.

Thanks Sannah. I've calmed myself down a bit after posting this. I'm just over reacting. And yes she does have a note book next to her and I know she does take notes in it :-)