I am just feeling so depressed and so worthless. Just because I feel that way today (and have been feeling down for the last two weeks at least) doesn't mean that I'm falling back into a depression, right? This is just one of those things. My T and I are . . . shoot, I don't know what we are. I still cannot get over being embarrassed and mortified about the discussion a couple of weeks ago. And that discussion was pretty much what triggered this . . . whatever it is. Depressive episode. Let's call it that, rather than depression. The marriage counseling really seems to be hurting rather than helping also. And mother's day coming up. And my mother not calling me ever even when I send up her favorite cookies. And talking trash about me to anyone who will sit still to listen.

But, I can shake this off, right? It's not forever. One foot in front of the other.

[critterlady]

It's not forever.

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Be gentle with yourself and talk to your T.

[likelife]

Other people tell me that it's not forever, and usually that's something I can believe when I'm NOT depressed. So I'll pass that on for now, that no, it's not forever.

It gets old being the bigger person, but that certainly sounds like who you are with your mom.

As for feeling mortified with T, oh do I get it. The thing is, he's probably just fine with it. I remember reading once that embarrassment serves the purpose of telling us when we're not in line with social norms (or something like that). But the social norms in therapy are so whackadoo that I'd stay you're still well within the bounds.

Maybe a Monty Python viewing is in order?

[WikidPissah]

(((mcac))) That discussion wasn't as bad as you are thinking it was. I have heard people ask T's a lot worse things. T's are used to hearing stuff like that. Please forgive yourself for it and let it go. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. And you're mother doesn't deserve you.

[stopdog]

It is not forever. Just super bad timing on the part of the universe converging on you all at once.

[SpiritRunner]

No, it's not forever. But - I have been there, where it FEELS like it is forever and will be forever! And I didn't believe anyone who told me 'this too shall pass' (dear lord, I hated that phrase!) but in due time, it did pass ... it wasn't forever, and I survived.
So, validate your feelings, your pain, do what you can to take care of yourself and the situations, but also tell yourself, that even though it feels that way, it isn't forever and that you WILL survive!

[healed84]

This won't last forever.. this episode will go away, you will feel better I think we all need that reminder every once in awhile. (((hugs))) to you!

(((((MKAC))) nope,definitely not forever though it certainly can feel like it♥♥♥ and worthless is NOT a word that can be used to describe you so you should just throw it away♥

[Freefall1974]

No, it's not forever. It may feel like forever. And Mother's Day does not help. But you just try to step up, one step at a time, and muddle through it. You have all of the skills you need to get through this, it is just really hard when you are in the middle of it. And of course you have all of us.....which can be quite comforting I believe.

[pbutton]

It is not forever. It often feels like it will never feel any different. But things ALWAYS change. ALWAYS.

[Wren_]

right ... not forever

[KyanderuEpo]

I am currently feeling that state right now. Well in my case it's a break-up don't worry. That wont be stuck forever. Just keep faith and keep that head up high

[learning1]

I totally agree with wp and ll that that conversation was nothing to be ashamed of. The feelings are completely genuine and understandable and I think it is totally cool that you are so self aware and open enough to share them. That's what therapy is for isn't it? There is nothing wrong with feeling the feelings you expressed. I think you need to talk to your t about them more though, even though I know you don't want to.

This, too, shall pass.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I am just feeling so depressed and so worthless. Just because I feel that way today (and have been feeling down for the last two weeks at least) doesn't mean that I'm falling back into a depression, right? This is just one of those things. My T and I are . . . shoot, I don't know what we are. I still cannot get over being embarrassed and mortified about the discussion a couple of weeks ago. And that discussion was pretty much what triggered this . . . whatever it is. Depressive episode. Let's call it that, rather than depression. The marriage counseling really seems to be hurting rather than helping also. And mother's day coming up. And my mother not calling me ever even when I send up her favorite cookies. And talking trash about me to anyone who will sit still to listen.

But, I can shake this off, right? It's not forever. One foot in front of the other.

Hmmm... that is the most maddening distortion of depression for me. "This is exactly how I've always felt, and this is how I'm always going to feel." Any other attitude just feels like, "Talk, talk, talk." I knew this sweet man of the sort I normally can't tolerate because he was an optimist, but something about him made him bearable. He suggested to me using the positive affirmation of, "I'm happy, and I've always been happy." It sort of worked, but not in the way he intended. That sentence coming out of my mouth consistently struck me as a punchline that had no need of a build up. So, I'd always laugh right after I said it--a kind of instant lift of my spirits. A laugh with some cynicism is better than none.

This issue with your T has really big implications for you given the interpretations you've laden it with, so it doesn't really surprise that it has you depressed. You were forging a relationship for once with someone based on acceptance and trust. It seems like you've interpreted what happened to mean that was all false. So you're not just losing a sense of trust in your T, but your nascent hope that forming nurturing relationships is possible. That loss is huge.

I don't think you've really lost it though. You can still talk to him about the cast you've put on that interaction, however awkward that conversation may be. I'll lay odds your interpretation isn't confirmed. Then you will regain your hope, and since depression is very much the absence of hope, probably start to feel better. I'm rooting for you.

[Sannah]

Good insight into what is bothering you. What will help it pass is talking about these issues. Not expressing feelings can lead to feeling depressed.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good insight into what is bothering you. What will help it pass is talking about these issues. Not expressing feelings can lead to feeling depressed.

Are you serious?? UGH! Totally cursing inside my head. I want to feel better WITHOUT having to say out loud how embarrassed and ashamed and frustrated I am. Especially to HIM.

I do want to sincerely thank everyone who reply. Thank you all so so much. It feels better just to know there are other people out there who understand and who care.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I hope I am not misinterpreting the issue you spoke to your T about two weeks ago, but it suddenly struck me when I read Snuffle's response above that the reason why he handed the question back to you is not because you were overstepping a boundary. Instead, it seems to me that he was trying to avoid overstepping a boundary. That boundary being the time-honored T tradition of leaving their feelings out of the room to focus on you. For him to talk about how he feels about you in any way is getting awfully close to that line, if not crossing it. Not just about sex-related things, but really everything. Maybe why he had such a hard time articulating his other feelings to you, too. Because the minute that the T's feelings about you are in the room, it really becomes all about their feelings, not about you.

Maybe that makes no sense at all, but I toss it there to be disposed of if not.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I want to feel better WITHOUT having to say out loud how embarrassed and ashamed and frustrated I am. Especially to HIM.

One thing I've learned since I started therapy is that it doesn't work that way, at least for me. I may become accustomed to the feelings of shame, embarrassment, and frustration, but unless I work through them out loud, they don't go away.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I am just feeling so depressed and so worthless. Just because I feel that way today (and have been feeling down for the last two weeks at least) doesn't mean that I'm falling back into a depression, right? This is just one of those things. My T and I are . . . shoot, I don't know what we are. I still cannot get over being embarrassed and mortified about the discussion a couple of weeks ago. And that discussion was pretty much what triggered this . . . whatever it is. Depressive episode. Let's call it that, rather than depression. The marriage counseling really seems to be hurting rather than helping also. And mother's day coming up. And my mother not calling me ever even when I send up her favorite cookies. And talking trash about me to anyone who will sit still to listen.

But, I can shake this off, right? It's not forever. One foot in front of the other.

Oh I have been in a similar spot and have made it out the otherside. ( and expect I'll be there again from time to time) ... If only we could see things that others see while we are in the midst of it...

these things I want to say are so easy to say and so hard to do when you are in that "place"... so I will tell you the things I wish I could do and see when I'm in the deep of it...

You know the truth about yourself...you are listening to the lies from the past..past recordings...past thoughts.. You are NOT worthless.. sometimes the "place" we find ourselves are caused by our own "focus"...what are you focusing on?

Your T cares about you. He has proven it over and over again. He can handle the things you said. Oh you might have caught him off guard but he can handle talking about it...

You are a woman of strength... you too (although it doesn't feel like it now) can survive talking to your T about the whole thing. There may be feelings that you have that you are giving too much power because you won't talk about them... maybe it will be one of those situations that while its all in your head it seems so much worse but once you let it out and talk it out with T it won't be...

I'm no professional..just saying some things that I wished someone had said to me and it would have saved alot of heartache that I put myself through.... this depressive episode may "last longer than necessary" because you are keeping all of these feelings locked in... and listening to the bad recordings....lies from the past that we believed..

A wise person once told me .. We'll all be here if you need a hand. I'd you need to vent or chat or whatever just reach out.

[rainbow_rose]

definitely NOT forever.

Thank you, everyone! I am still struggling alone. Some days have been okay. I ended up not going on a ride that I planned on because it just seemed like too much stress. Found out that my sister and her hubbie probably also stole a really expensive saddle of mine that my dad was using as a decoration in his bedroom. They "don't know where it is." Really? You can misplace a highly decorated western pleasure saddle? And my T and I are still having this big disconnect. My friends in real life are super busy and so I'm somewhat isolated at this point. I may just have to be a big needy baby here for a while.

[pbutton]

No, I have cornered the market on big needy baby. Your official title is Worthy Normal Person in need of support. Which we will all gladly give here.