Update on me and T

Life and therapy have kicked my butt for the past 5 months or so, so I'm sorry I haven't been around much at all. I've been in a situation I *never* could have imagined myself in, and it's been rough, to say the least.

But I saw T today and we agreed that we really are on the other side of it now. Finally!

These past few months have been a HUGE struggle for T too, and he pretty much lost his therapeutic stance and just became a person scrambling around trying to figure out how to fix what was going on, just like me. He pulled away, I pulled away, I tried to connect, there was no one to connect to because he was confused and exhausted. He opened up to connection and I pushed him away because I didn't understand where he had gone when I was trying to connect. There was anger, there was tears, there were sessions where we were both really SUPER open and honest...there was a lot less contact out of session and a lot more space between us.

Now that we're finding our way back to each other, we talked today about how our relationship has changed...because it HAS changed, kind of dramatically.

T said that he realized that we can't have a "perfect" relationship. That there can't be "perfect" attachment and perfect connection, no matter how hard he tries to give it to me. He said he realized his limitations. I said that my fantasy of being the favorite/most loved/etc was totally blown out of the water, and that it was unexpected and it made me sad. I cried when we talked about it.

We talked about what we brought with us through these 5 months to our "new" relationship, and I asked if we could make a list. On the things we still had, we listed trust, love, willingness, and a couple of other things. On the things we lost, we listed "perfect" relationship, and my fantasy of being "most loved". We listed some things we learned and we listed some questions about what comes next. He made copies for both of us.

We are going to have some kind of ceremony to honor the things we lost...we don't know what we're going to do yet, but T says we need to take time to grieve, and I think he's right.

I did learn something during all of this...that I need to figure out what I need from T and just be brave and ask for it. I used to send lots of e-mails because I wanted connection but didn't know how to get it. Now I call him and ask if he has a few minutes and he calls me back and we talked for between 10 and 25 minutes. It only happens once or twice a week, and it's what I NEED - probably what I needed all along - and it makes things easier for me AND for T...because I'm not spiraling out wishing I could have something I need but can't ask for directly, and T's not dealing with the anxious, spirally, unmet-need version of me. It feels risky, but it's so much better.

T said that he learned that he and I do better when we relax into connection. He said he always got panicky and tried so hard to make me believe in the connection...and I would get panicky and try so hard to find a way to believe in the connection..and it was too intense and difficult. Now we're working on relaxing into it. It's feels more gentle and trusting.

T is moving really slowly with me back towards connection. It's almost like we're starting a whole new relationship. But he gave me a big wrapped-up hug at the end of session today, and it felt familiar and good and safe

I think that our relationship will be more "real" now...we've really been through a lot in the past few months and there's no way we could come out of it unchanged. Even though it's painful, I hope that letting our fantasies go...his of the perfect relationship and mine of the most-loved client...will let us see the amazing thing that we have right here in REALITY.

I guess I wanted to share this to show that no matter how bad it gets, there's usually a way out if both people are willing to work hard...and that the therapy relationship can change, but still be good...maybe even be better.

Thanks for letting me share this when I've been so absent!
to my PC friends!

I am glad to hear things are better for you.

nightsky, i'm wiping tears away as i type this. i am so happy to see this post. and happy to 'see' you. i've missed you. thank you so much for sharing this.

and thank you for showing me what is possible.

It is so wonderful to hear from you. I think of you often.

You sound so much more peaceful than you ever did previously. You really do have an amazing T who is willing to look openly at what is going on, take the responsibility for his part in things, and find a way to get you both not only to the other side, but to a much healthier, realistic side.

I am so very happy to hear how things are progressing. Would love to have you come around more often, but you do what you need to do for you. That is really what matters.

I'm so glad you're back, and glad things are getting better with your T. Missed you!!!

Thanks for sharing! I am so glad things seem to be getting better between you and T.. connection is important, and I am glad you and your T have both been open and honest about what you both need and your limitations as well!! Good work!

AWESOME!!! Last night I actually was thinking of you before I went to sleep and thought how much I wish you would post how you were doing these days. Then I wake up and find your post!!!! Thank you SO much for letting us know how you are doing. We all care for you deeply. I know we here on PC are not Ts, but to many of us who know you through your posts, you are OUR favorite!

I am so glad you are on the other side of the pain from that rupture. You both have done what the Japanese people do when a favorite pottery piece breaks. They take the broken parts and put them back with gold filling. The piece that was so precious becomes even more precious in the end. That is what you and your T have done with your very precious relationship.

that's awesome nightsky, good to hear from you!

so glad you let us know how you are doing.

What a gift you've fashioned. Thank you for telling us. It sheds beauty on my day. And relief, to know that you are doing better.

Roadie

That sounds like such a challenging thing to work through. It's quite amazing that you've both worked through it, to the other side, heading towards a connection again. Your posts are always really helpful, and inspirational. I hope things keep moving in the right direction for you, but it sounds like your hard work has meant that's exactly what's happening. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing nightsky, you're in my thoughts

I have thought of you so often and wondered if things were getting better for you. I kept thinking of sending you a PM, even yesterday .... sorry I didn't.
But I am so glad to read this. You do have a special T and special relationship - no, not perfect, how could two not perfect people have a perfect relationship? I am glad that you 2 have been able to re-frame your perceptions, needs, limitations and strengths to re-create and renew the relationship in a form that is more real, more healing and helpful and true for each of you. I am so glad neither of you gave up on the other and have found your way back together again.
You do sound both relieved and more peaceful and hopeful. I can't express how happy I am to see this. You are SO special to me and have touched my heart so much.

I actually understand what you're saying. like the relaxing into the connection. that's the difference between actually HAVING something, and only WISHING you had something - wishing is always future, anxious. Having is present, calm, secure, relaxed. Where work gets done. Thanks, nightsky.

Hi Nightsky,
Glad to hear from you. I am glad you and your t are finally coming to a more peaceful place. I know it has been really rough for you. I just have a question, "How do you know you are not the most loved? Has he said that specifically, did he tell you he loved someone more?" Do you just say that because he can't tell you?

Wow thanks for sharing your amazing journey. I'm happy that you are in a place where you are moving forward.

Why does there have to be a "most loved" client? I don't particularly like the word "love" in therapy because it can lead to so many misunderstandings but why couldn't a therapist love several clients equally, having a different but equally close relationship with each of them? That's what I do as a parent -- I don't love one child more than another but I have a different relationship with each one. Can't a therapist do the same?

glad to see your post! glad things are back on track with t.

i would like to know how much money you can find in this couch cushions next time you go in! i always loved that story about the 78 cents taped together. i often wanted that from my t.

Thank you SO much to each of you for your kind words and your acceptance and support when I've been so absent

I do think I am moving into a more peaceful, healthier place. I can't believe what I had to move through to get here...but in the end, I know it will be worth it. And you're right...T is so good at looking at his part in things, and that's a huge reason why we COULD move through this.

I love this I'm going to share it with T

I think I've realized there isn't a "most loved". That T loves me and he loves other clients too, and we all have our own relationships with him, and it's okay. I can't tell you how hard it was to really accept that deep down, but I think I finally have. I think I just wanted SO badly to be the most loved because I wan't loved as a child...but I'm learning that the love that T does have for me is "good enough".

This is how it is with my kids too. And I think I'm finally seeing that it can be that way with T and his clients.

I forgot all about that, jbmomg I loved that - thanks for reminding me of it

I appreciate ALL of you SO much

It is extremely painful to give up the fantasy of being the most loved or favorite client. In hindsight, Nightsky, I was very fortunate that my therapist never ignored or fed into that fantasy -- we talked about it often and he was always very clear about not having a favorite, and he always explained why, reminding me that it's never good for any client to be the favorite or even to believe he or she is the favorite regardless of how good or how healing it feels at the time.

I remember some of your posts from last year, and how your therapist would just smile when you asked if you were the most loved, and I remember wishing he would address the issue with you and help you work it through before you (or another client) were deeply hurt. It saddened me to see what happened to you, but I am glad that you were both committed to doing whatever you could to repair the damage and reach a healthier place in your life and in your relationship with him.

There is freedom in giving up the need to be the favorite or most loved. When you realize and accept that there is no favorite, you no longer have to work to maintain that special status. You can put more of that energy into understanding and changing your own behavior instead of being so focused on getting the most love from your therapist. You can put more energy into other relationships with people whose expression of love isn't constrained by the boundaries of the therapy relationship. This will likely be painful for awhile because the wound was so deep, but in the long run I think you will be more at peace and more satisfied with the results when you can love and be loved by others without being chained to the past.

I don't know if T fed into it...I think, looking back, he didn't know how to handle it. Sometimes I would tell him what I would tell my boys if one of them asked if they were the favorite, and he would be like "ooh, that's good" (he has one child). So, he would definitely never ever say I was his favorite, but he didn't say "I don't have a favorite".

We've talked about it since then, and I think that he thought (and I thought) that slowly and organically, I would come to learn that there didn't have to be a favorite, that what we had was enough, etc. But it didn't end up happening that way, and it really WAS painful.

I think T learned some really important lessons through all of this, and so did I.

Sorry Nightsky, I didn't mean that he fed into it intentionally. I never thought he intentionally encouraged it -- I meant that he fed into it inadvertently by not addressing it, and I thought he probably didn't address it because he didn't know what to do to help so he did nothing, hoping it would eventually resolve itself.

When I read "T fed" for some reason my mind went to Kevin Federline and I was like, whaaa??? it's nice NOT having to be the favorite, being one the crowd. I don't think I would want to be queen. I used to need it though. now I just need T. now that I have him, it's more than enough.

Sometimes the path to HERE just is what it is. And you were VERY VERY VERY brave to keep on walking the path with your T instead of running away from it or going into denial about it. It took courage for you to work through it together - for BOTH of you. I am so proud of you and very proud of your T as well. This is what life is about.

I too am glad to hear this positive update