[rainboots87]

After I got home from yesterday's session, I decided I'm done with therapy. It wasn't a particularly hard session (though it wasn't easy either). I just feel the sadness welling up about leaving T next month for good when I move across the country. I even sat on the idea of quitting before I actually called to let her know my thoughts. Today I called my psychiatrist and told her I want to come off my meds too. I started them about a year ago and I'm still depressed. And to add to it, not I have insomnia caused by the meds. I'm on the fourth and fifth anti-depressants I've tried. All of them have worked for a bit until they didn't work anymore and all have caused me insomnia, leading to trying more meds than I can count to try to help me sleep. So I'm still depressed and now I can't sleep properly, plus there's the cost of the meds & appts.

Also, I started therapy 5 years ago (though with this T for about a year and a half), and I'm still dealing with the exact same ****. I don't have my ED anymore, but I'm still dealing w/ anxiety, isolating by hiding in bed, pushing people away, mother issues, perfectionism, feeling like I'm not good enough and like I'm a bad person, etc. So what's the point if I'm pretty much in the same place?

I was planning to wrap up with my DBT group soon anyway (I've gone thru it twice), so I'll probably go ahead and do that too as she shares the same office with my T.

I know it's probably best to keep working through my issues, but I'm just so tired of it all. Plenty of people do fine w/o therapy, so I can do it again too.

Originally Posted by rainboots87

After I got home from yesterday's session, I decided I'm done with therapy. It wasn't a particularly hard session (though it wasn't easy either). I just feel the sadness welling up about leaving T next month for good when I move across the country. I even sat on the idea of quitting before I actually called to let her know my thoughts. Today I called my psychiatrist and told her I want to come off my meds too. I started them about a year ago and I'm still depressed. And to add to it, not I have insomnia caused by the meds. I'm on the fourth and fifth anti-depressants I've tried. All of them have worked for a bit until they didn't work anymore and all have caused me insomnia, leading to trying more meds than I can count to try to help me sleep. So I'm still depressed and now I can't sleep properly, plus there's the cost of the meds & appts.

Also, I started therapy 5 years ago (though with this T for about a year and a half), and I'm still dealing with the exact same ****. I don't have my ED anymore, but I'm still dealing w/ anxiety, isolating by hiding in bed, pushing people away, mother issues, perfectionism, feeling like I'm not good enough and like I'm a bad person, etc. So what's the point if I'm pretty much in the same place?

I was planning to wrap up with my DBT group soon anyway (I've gone thru it twice), so I'll probably go ahead and do that too as she shares the same office with my T.

I know it's probably best to keep working through my issues, but I'm just so tired of it all. Plenty of people do fine w/o therapy, so I can do it again too.

My concern is that you will move across the country and then regret not having closure with this therapist. Maybe go back one more time at least to discuss it?

For what it's worth, I had the same experience with antidepressants. I tried more than 15 different medications and then the psychiatrist started trying combinations of drugs. When I was on two drugs that each cost more than $300 a month, I gave up and quit. I kind of coasted in a constant state of depression and constant struggle not to kill myself for several years before my mother in law convinced me to try therapy with my current T. Within a few months in therapy with my current T, the depression was almost entirely gone.

[rainboots87]

I'll probably see her once before I leave since I'm so attached to her, but I really just want to run away from her and how I'm feeling.

Thanks for replying

[CantExplain]

Coming off your meds suddenly when you have no therapy support is almost never a good idea.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Coming off your meds suddenly when you have no therapy support is almost never a good idea.

I know that. I specifically asked her how I can wean myself off them in a safe way. I'm still quite depressed, so they're certainly not working right now. I just want to be able to get a decent night's sleep. I won't have therapy for a couple months anyway as I live with my family in another state for a bit before moving to yet another state for grad school. I'm about to wrap up with therapy anyway, I'm just choosing to do it now instead of next month.

[likelife]

Hi rainboots,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much. It sounds like the pain of leaving your T, in addition to all of the monumental life changes you're going through, is so overwhelming. My heart goes out to you.

I've been on the meds roller coaster too, and it sucks big time. I'm glad you're in contact with your physician about weaning off of them safely. And I think it might be helpful to continue with experimenting. I totally get how awful it is. I've been through a dozen or so different med combinations and it can be so, so demoralizing. Same with being in therapy for an extended period of time. Both can also really make a difference though.

I wish you the best as you're gearing up for the different transitions you named. I moved across the country to attend grad school 8 years ago. It was difficult, but survivable.

[rainboots87]

Arghhh. I just got a text (reply to my vm on Thurs night and my text from yesterday about not wanting to see her anymore) saying it sounds like something good to talk abt in person on Monday. I texted back "I'm not going," which was met with her saying, "I would be sad about that." So I sent back, "you get to go home an hour early" (I'm usually her last appt of the day). So then she called bc she doesn't do "therapy via texting." She said she understands my frustrations with my progress and think this transition period and the attachment are important to discuss and deal with. She told me to "respect the process" and the work i've done and even to respect her, by going to talk abt it on Monday. That kinda touched a nerve, bc I would never want to do something to disrespect her or slight her in anyway (which I'm pretty certain she knows with me being such a people-pleaser). But I don't want to go! I was so gung-ho abt not going on monday, but then she brought up this respect piece. And the her being "sad" abt me not going. Ugh, stupid attachment! And then she was saying she hasn't seen me fully commit to giving up the personal gains I get from the behaviors, which really sucks bc I've been trying so freakin' hard. $%^%#$%^*&^T%$$%#%@!!&

[KazzaX]

Just tell her to respect you as a person and the decisions that you have made. Respect goes both ways. If you don't want to go then you don't go - simple as that.

[lostin08]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

Arghhh. I just got a text (reply to my vm on Thurs night and my text from yesterday about not wanting to see her anymore) saying it sounds like something good to talk abt in person on Monday. I texted back "I'm not going," which was met with her saying, "I would be sad about that." So I sent back, "you get to go home an hour early" (I'm usually her last appt of the day). So then she called bc she doesn't do "therapy via texting." She said she understands my frustrations with my progress and think this transition period and the attachment are important to discuss and deal with. She told me to "respect the process" and the work i've done and even to respect her, by going to talk abt it on Monday. That kinda touched a nerve, bc I would never want to do something to disrespect her or slight her in anyway (which I'm pretty certain she knows with me being such a people-pleaser). But I don't want to go! I was so gung-ho abt not going on monday, but then she brought up this respect piece. And the her being "sad" abt me not going. Ugh, stupid attachment! And then she was saying she hasn't seen me fully commit to giving up the personal gains I get from the behaviors, which really sucks bc I've been trying so freakin' hard. $%^%#$%^*&^T%$$%#%@!!&

It sounds like your* little kid* is struggling with the attachment. I don't know how you feel about him/her but it sounds like both of you need closure. Does that make sense?

[KazzaX]

I hear you.

Sometimes I think to myself "there is only so many times I can sit here and beat my head against a brick wall".

[rainboots87]

I went to the session, and T was very straight and direct with me. She said she consulted with some other professionals about how to handle my attachment issues/blow-up/pushing her away, and she shared how what I did made her feel. She also shared how it feels to see me so stuck and still holding on to the illness, which was really interesting to hear.

T said she shared all of that with me, because she is really invested in me and that she wants the same in return. She said that she's not invested in all of her clients and wouldn't be so direct and and put in the effort with them. (to be clear, T isn't some awful person- she also works with some court-ordered clients who have done beyond imaginable things and aren't really there to grow. They're there because they have to be and don't care. I know she puts forth her best effort and wants the best for people). It was nice to hear that I am one of her clients who she is really invested in and that she's angry at how I'm not giving up my negative/ineffective behaviors and wants so much for me to be able to live a full life.

I apologized for my actions and how they impacted her and made her feel. I also shared with her more details about my attachment to her and that I really will put forth my best effort in therapy and in my life.

I don't think I'm explaining the session very well at all, but it was humbling, eye-opening, and touching. I have only 5 sessions left with her before I move, and I'm so grateful to have her as my T. I'll miss her so much.

I told her for next week that I want a session where I can talk all about fun, happy things, and she thought is was a great idea! I'm usually such a mess in session, and I really look forward to sharing another part of myself with her. I'm super excited

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

I told her for next week that I want a session where I can talk all about fun, happy things, and she thought is was a great idea! I'm usually such a mess in session, and I really look forward to sharing another part of myself with her. I'm super excited

I would like a session like that as well. Good job.