[franki_j]

First of all, I am doing better since I last posted. I have been offered a full-time job working with a non-profit that is due to start October 1. I just have to pass hte background check, which I am a little worried about due to my working as a stripper a couple years back. Although I've passed two background checks after quitting stripping, I am more worried about this one, probably b/c I need the job so badly, both for my financial and mental stability.
Anyways, two weeks ago, I tried to quit T, told her how serious my SUI thoughts were, self-harmed and told her about it, etc. That week was very bad for me and T really came though, told me it wasn't a good idea to quit, offered to see me for free (I refused this offer and sucked it up and asked my mom to pay for my therapy), and spent a half hour talking to me on the phone. But that week I really think that T saw me at my worst and was completely there for me.
Anyways, for the past two sessions since then, I have been able to have more normal conversations with T. I tell her things that bother me that before I would not have been able to verbalize, I am more articulate, I can say what I want to say, I act more "adult" around her whereas before I think I acted more like a scared kid. We even made a couple jokes today. For me this is huge. Up until recently, when I saw her I would stutter, wouldn't want to sit next to her and would sit across the room and push my chair back against the wall so as to be as far from her as possible, have spent half or even whole sessions in silence. There have been times I have been able to talk to her normally, but they were either very fleeting, or they just seemed fake, like I was covering something up. But today I felt like I was able to talk to her about what was bothering me in a more mature, articulate way.
For example, I went on a date this past weekend. He paid for dinner, and then we went out for drinks. The bartender looked at him and asked how he would be paying, and the guy paused and said, "Actually, she's paying for this." So I paid for it, but I felt like I was going to cry. My response was kind of irrational. And then after that, he opened a tab and paid for the rest of my drinks. But it bothered me so much that he put me on the spot and wanted me to pay for the first round, to the point where I might not see him again and felt like crying. And what bothered me almost more was that I think of myself as being fairly progressive, I read a lot of feminist texts and tend to get into arguments with men over feminism. It bothered me that it bothered me, basically. And before, I would not even have been able to verbalize this to my T for fear of her thinking of me as some kind of stupid un-feminist gold digger. But today, I was able to tell her and to verbalize what bothered me about it and how my reaction was kind of unequal to what caused it. Of course, I did preface my story by saying "You're going to think this is really stupid..." like five times before I actually started, but at least I said it and when I was telling her, I was able to articulate myself well. And she didn't think I was stupid for feeling that way; she said it was interesting that despite being so progressive, I still get bothered by things like that. I told her I think it stems from me being paid for my time by men when I was dancing, and she added that my parents have very traditional, almost pre-historic values about gender roles, and this must influence me even though I try my best not to be influenced by it. She didn't make me feel ashamed about it; she was understanding and made me see that my response to being asked to pay for drinks might have been influenced to other factors in my life, not that I am some gold digging/superficial person. It just made me feel good to tell her this and not to be laughed at.
So anyways, the point is, it took me 16 months of therapy to have two sessions in which I talked to my T like a normal person and was able to articulate myself and voice my problems. I felt mature, and I loved that I was even able to joke a little with her. Well, we will see how long this lasts, but hopefully it will keep going. I have two more sessions with her before she goes on vacation which sucks, becuase that might put a dent in my progress.
So I guess my question is, how long did it take you guys to have a somewhat "normal" converstion with your T? Or were you just able to do this the first time? I think that if I am able to keep this up then maybe I won't feel as embarrassed talking to her about my feelings for her, or about my own desire to be a therapist, or about some things that are just hard in general to talk about.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by franki_j

So I guess my question is, how long did it take you guys to have a somewhat "normal" converstion with your T? Or were you just able to do this the first time? I think that if I am able to keep this up then maybe I won't feel as embarrassed talking to her about my feelings for her, or about my own desire to be a therapist, or about some things that are just hard in general to talk about.

Hi Franki..

I can relate to what you experienced. You had a crisis event, and your therapist really came through for you.. and afterward there was a shift in your relationship with her. I think how it works, is that before this crisis event, you were experiencing negative transference in therapy. Because of your early relationships, you might be expecting rejection, criticism, judgment, etc. from your therapist. So when you reached this crisis point where you *had* to rely on her more than you ever planned on, and she was just *there* - - she came through. She didn't abandon you.. she accepted what you thought of as the worst of you.. with compassion and caring. You were not rejected. As a result, you had what's called a "corrective experience." Your therapist provided you with an entirely different experience. And you found out that when push comes to shove, even the worst of who you are isn't bad enough to make your therapist turn her back on you. She really does care about you! And that cannot be bought.

So now you're in therapy, and the previous anxiety you felt about being criticized, judged, misunderstood, rejected - have dissipated. You're more relaxed.. you trust the relationship. It's "holding" you. Your therapist did a great job - and I'm so glad you are getting what you need.

[Sannah]

Congrats on the job! Do you think that the job made you feel better about yourself and made it easier to talk in therapy?

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Congrats on the job! Do you think that the job made you feel better about yourself and made it easier to talk in therapy?

Thank you! And yes, I think it is a combo of both getting the job and having what CM called a "corrective experience." I think that for me, getting the job boosted my confidence and made me feel like not such a loser in front of my T, who is super succesful, which is intimidating for me.
But I also think that T seeing me at my worst and having her be totally there for me and accept me at my worst and let me know that she cared about me made a huge difference as well. Last week, after my horrible week, we were talking about something completely different, and all of a sudden I burst out with, "I am SO embarrassed about last week," and I just buried my face in my hands. She asked why, and I told her it was embarrassing to have another person see me "like that," meaning being so depressed, self-harming, etc. But she said there was nothing wrong with that and that there is nothing wrong with having intense feelings and sharing them with her; in fact, she wants me to share them with her whether I am happy or sad. So hearing her say that and having her see me at my worst and be accepting of that have also influenced me.

[unaluna]

seriously, I felt like was just shouting at my T for the first couple three years. lately, it seems like every session is different. but I would say I move at a speed like those giant turtles on the old cable tv commercials. but at least i'm moving.

[stopdog]

This is a serious sort of response - I have always had normal conversations with the therapist. The problem seems to be - for me- that the therapist wants to have abnormal conversations with me. When I talk to the therapist like I do most others, she goes on about being guarded (meaning me - not her), only operating from above the neck and so forth and she does go on and on about feelings. That is not normal for me and I do not have any real clue what to say about feelings. I have admitted to having them from time to time, but that seems to exhaust the topic for me.
So it seems the deal with the therapist I see is to have abnormal, unusual conversations.