Railing against

Sent this email to T:

I don't know if I can take this anymore. It literally feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest. *I thought I had the strength, the courage, to get through this; however three situations that occurred this weekend have shaken me to my core. They told me what I truly believe, what I am willing to stand up for, and it is incongruous with my sense of self. *It has opened wounds, wounds I thought were healed. I feel despairing, as if the life I am living is a farce and I wonder why I keep trying to fool myself.

I believe I can heal; however, I am not sure I can bear the consequences of what opening up means to me. I have "known" you for a year, but still have the impression that the whole relationship is a facade. *This "therapeutic relationship", an inherently one-sided entity that only exists in the vacuum of an hour in an office, that means everything to a client, is just another day at work for a counselor. I don't doubt you love your clients, but at the end of a day, we are a paycheck, a means to an end. I've had my own clients; twelve people I've seen day in, day out for almost 13 years. I'm guilty. I've thought I was better than them; they are "clients", "consumers", "service users", "participants"...no matter what these people...and they are people...are called, we think we are better, we think we "have it together", let's help these "clients", they need our help, because we are better than they are, we "have knowledge" they don't have. I watched a disabled self-advocate on Friday be shushed during a meeting for the MFP initiative. An initiative designed to empower individuals such as she and she was silenced by someone who "knows better"...the person who runs the initiative.

I identify as a service provider, but I also identify as a client. I like being a service provider; that feels powerful, like I'm making a difference...but at the end of the day, A (one of my clients) wonders why I cannot say I am her friend. Why? It's not good for her. Well, why isn't it? I don't like being a client. I am me; there is nothing "wrong" with me. I am no less worthy of love, respect, or friendship. Neither is A.

How am I supposed to open up to a person who I would like to know better but never can? How am I supposed to open up to someone who experienced sitting on her own couch and realized she felt vulnerable and didn't like it. How am I supposed to open up to someone I know probably does the same things I do in relation to clients? I see it from both sides, and I find both sides lacking. I would love to know you outside of the therapeutic framework, but highly doubt you would want to do the same because something is inherently "wrong" and "different" about me because I am a "client"; no more, no less. It makes me want to raise my defenses and rebuild my walls.

I'm starting to believe that the whole system is inherently and pervasively f**ked up.

((((((((((((((((( chopin ))))))))))))))))

If I could write your letter, I would be done with therapy. I cannot say what you say, that I am inherently worthy of love, respect, friendship.

Your letter is so deep and honest. I hope your T responds in person and in writing and that the two of you can spend all the time needed on this to answer your questions.

for yourself, I wonder whether you might be able to make some headway into this by looking at something you wrote >> but at the end of the day, A (one of my clients) wonders why I cannot say I am her friend. Why? It's not good for her.
and think about why you question your answer, and why even though you question it, you still did not say that you are her friend. I don't think it is because you think yourself better than her. That's not the Chopin I've come to know here on PC.

you ask >> Well, why isn't it [good for her]? and you know what your training has taught you about that, and in so many years of practice you may also know whether the teaching is true or not.

Therapy is a hard road, yes. Clients (patients, whatever) do suffer, and that means something needs adjusting. The "therapeutic frame" works, I am the first to admit that it's weird and difficult and frustrating and humiliating and all the rest; but it does work. Looking across PC forum I see 9587467373
therapeutic dyads and just as many unique relationships. I hope that you & T work yours out too. sorry for my long ramble, I am wishing peace to you

A few months ago you went through a major issue with wanting your T to be an equal to you -- to be your friend. That seemed to have gotten resolved. Is this the same thing you are experiencing?

I am certain it will be discussed Friday.

It's not good for her because I've been taught it is not good for her. A service provider cannot be objective if one is friends with a client. I know that can be true, but in my field, if I wanted to volunteer to take A home for a holiday, I can do so. Outside the framework of the service agency, one can treat a client however he/she wants, although it is expected a "good" service provider would remain therapeutic, I know of provider staff who "spoil" clients outside the facility.

My therapeutic relationship has been good for quite some time, but the inherent inequity of it bothers me. It bothers me having experience on both sides of the therapeutic dynamic. The therapeutic frame does work. I know that. However, sometimes I see clients treated disposably and I don't like it.

Thanks SAWE.

It is somewhat different in nature this time. Before, it was a primal desire from a younger part of me. This time, it is philosophical in nature, causing me to question the therapeutic framework from both sides; as a client and as a service provider.

It is also multi-faceted due to the two other situations that occurred this past weekend that need to be discussed in session.

i had typed this responce and for some reason i see it didnt post but reading your answers to sitting you already know what i had said so thought i would just offer suport for this upcomming conversation.i think you work so hard on things in T it is awsome to read your posts

Bad thing is I wake up with this s**t in the middle of the night. Now I'm gonna be tired all day.

And I'm PMS-ing and just wanna ...and eat everything in the house. Dammit. I hate hormones.

your post always touch me, i feel the exact same way about the relationship with t but i guess it is what it is today i see t and try to process the tailspin she put me in

I've had really similar feelings as yours, Chopin. I'd think that working in the field might make it even more difficult, because you can see both sides of the matter. No great insight here, just empathy.

I think you're right. I do have a unique perspective that gives me empathy for T on one hand, because I know how stressful the job can be. Also I have empathy for my own clients because I know what it feels like. The fact that sitting on her own couch in a casual conversation with one of the receptionists made her uncomfortable makes me wonder if she does see her clients unequally. She says that we are all equal and we are all crazy, just in various and sundry ways. I just know the prevailing attitude toward I/DD as well as MH/SA where I'm at. It isn't always positive in the Bible-belt Southern USA.

Chopin-you have been doing som great work and I think this email to your T will lead to a great session.

it's not that it's "not good for" a client to be a friend, or be called a friend - it's just not the truth. The T is providing a LICENSED service to the client, it's a one-way street. Then T gets their car fixed by a LICENSED mechanic - is one transaction any more or less honorable or desirable than the other? The nature of the first txn, yes, laws have been enacted to protect the client, and that is also what many T's choose to do, not make friends of their clientele - because they feel that is putting their wants ahead of the client's needs. My T has told me, if I bring ONE message back to PC, it's that.

Oh, I know that Hank; it's all just grist for the mill. Something has come up in my life that's triggering the want to be equal and the desire to get to know her. I think I may know what is triggering the "equality" issue but would be too controversial to discuss on the forum; I think her sharing so much about herself in my last session triggered the "get to know" desire. Hopefully when I discuss it with her Friday, it will resolve. I don't want to go backwards; I'd gotten to a good place...I'll get back there, dammit!!

Where I work, the dynamic with clients is different than with a T. It's more about total life involvement than a one-hour a week service. I think your T has a good point.

Chopin, your thread makes me wonder if too much self-disclosure by a T can be detrimental. It seems like your relationship with your T is fluid - sometimes she brings you in as a somewhat colleague and then, of course, other times she plays the therapist role. It must be confusing.

I've pondered whether I want to know more about my T. On one hand I am very curious as to whether she is married or has children but another part of me wants her to only only only be my therapist. For me, I think, the more I would learn about my T the more I would know she has a life outside of the therapy room.

Of course I know she does but what I value and what I cherish is the pure therapeutic relationship that she and I have.

I'm not saying that clients can have more than that in a healthy therpeutic relationship but, for me, I'm pretty sure that the less concrete facts about my T that I know, the better.

What I do know is that she's caring, she's empathic, she's a genius at helping me know myself, she does all she can to help me, she does make mistakes but, in the end, I still trust her to have my best interests at heart. I know a few small facts about her simply because they came up in therapy and were relevant to my issues we were discussing.

I'm so sorry that you are being challenged this way. I'm sure you'll be able to work it out with your T. Lots of hugs.

no, but is it OK if I ask this another way?

The T is providing a LICENSED service to the client; then the client gets her car fixed by a LICENSED mechanic. The mechanic is perfectly free to be friend of the client, the T is absolutely forbidden this.
why ?

I'll admit, it's confusing at times. Last week, I told her I was taking a break that started when she went out with her surgery. She told me that doing so is okay, then talked to me like a friend; about her breast reconstruction, about BCBS lowering her allowable rate by $12 (and her opinion of that), shop talk about the mental health industry, etc.

Overall, I've made great progress despite her flexible boundaries. I decided to put myself and my healing first...and made strides. She's been integral in the process.

This IS the most important thing. I know all this is true of my T.

Good question; I see both sides to the story. I think actually being friends with a T during the therapy process is detrimental. I still see nothing wrong with being friends once the process is complete, if and only if, both parties are willing and capable of seeing and handling the relationship as a two-way street.

That is absolutely an excellent question. I hope I can come up with even an halfway excellent answer! The mechanic is working on your property, your car; the law is written against any person "in authority" over another person? You've gone for help - if the mechanic steps out of line, presumably you could still be vulnerable, but my (state-issued) manicurist license does require me to "have good morals" or it could be revoked. that's still not the right answer, is it?

idk - I hold my T to a pretty high standard, that my friends either can't meet or they would tell me where to get off, and probably vice versa. maybe I need to be pickier about my friends, but I don't think so! I'm the lousy friend of the pairs. i'm already waaaay too much of a perfectionist (from FOO), missing too much of life because of it.

So is this the heart of the issue? Why T seems so "perfect"? A T who APPARENTLY never gets mad at us is the perfect friend? Or nursemaid? This is slightly embarrassing! But that's what makes it such a good question.

Well, I've said it before recently, but I really don't know if I ever actually would want to be T's friend or know her on the outside. I know T is on her best behavior in session, so her control freak issues probably would manifest on the outside...and I do not like to be controlled!!

Chopin, you fascinate me :-) I love the way your mind works! You are one of the people on PC that I would LOVE to know IRL and be able to just go out and grab some lunch and have a nice chit-chat. Just thought I would share that with you :-)

Um... How did you arrive at this figure?

You'll miss them when they're gone.

All fair and logical, but I do not believe it in my heart.

And in any case, it's never that simple in practice. The map is not the terrain!

Thanks for this, WePow!! You single-handedly made my day. I would love that too.

I'd really like to hear about this. It sounds fascinating!

Looks like her phone number...lol!

I'm not so sure about that!