How do you talk to a T?

I just recently starting seeing a T (by the way, I hate the name therapist!!). I have always been very independent. I don't ask for help unless it is a group assignment or something to that nature.
After my primary care doctor suggested me talking to someone I made an appointment just to shut him up. Imagine my anxiety (never had anxiety until I went to walk through this door) of walking in the first day of seeing a therapist just so my doctor wouldn't write non compliant on my chart. I thought she was going to give me some pointers on what I could do and I am home free. NOT! She wanted me to come back a week later and I said ok. I thought maybe she was going to do some research and after talking to me the second visit she would send me on my marry way and wish me luck. NOT! She wanted to know how my childhood was. Either my catatonic state or the fact that I dropped my large cup of coffee on her white carpet when she asked the question gave it away. Either way, she knew there was more than what I was telling.
I left and cancelled my appointment for the 3rd visit. She called me twice and asked me to come back and talk to her and she didn't want me to blow her off.
After staying up most of the night scared to death of the dreaded questions she was going to ask, I went to my appointment. She made it a point to tell me she knows I was blowing her off, that's why she called, and she's glad I came in. All I could think at the time is "against my will lady and you need the money".
After asking 3 different times how I was and my response "fine" she finally said..."You've shut me out and that's ok right now. What can I do to make you feel more at ease here because you look like a deer in the headlight and ready to bolt out the door any minute?" Then she caught me by surprise... "What do you want to know about me? Maybe if I tell you about me you'll feel better. You must wonder something about me.. What do you think of me so far?" My response: Well, you have to have some brains about you to be a member of the Phi Beta Kappa (I saw the award hanging on the wall)." I left thinking to myself it's a good thing the woman is a member of the Phi Beta Kappa because she dang sure has her work cut out for her. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone but the issues go really deep. She really went above and beyond to offer to tell herself to me and me ask her anything. I think that shows a lot about a doctor being as I work with them everyday at a hospital and never once in my 8 years have I ever heard a doctor say that to a patient! Not one thing was related to my past. Her whole hour was devoted to making me feel comfortable. When I was walking to the door she said "It's ok you don't trust me. These things take time. I promise I won't abandon you." Honestly, abandon wasn't even my worry because at this point it would make me happy to tell my primary care doctor the lady quit on me so I wouldn't have to do it.
I've read posts about some peoples experience with their T. How do you talk to them? I can't do it. I felt bad for the lady because she had to deal with me an hour but I just can't talk to her. Advice?

My advice? Keep going back. Showing up is part of the battle. It's hard to face this stuff. My goal is to keep trying.

First of all, you're very brave not only to have found the courage to go in there at all, but to post about your experience and seek some help. It is very understandable that it is hard for you to try to open up tell her anything. I know for me personally, I started with my T at the referral of friends that would probably have dragged me in there if I hadn't gone voluntarily. And it took me at least 5 sessions to be even able to open up, let alone about 10 more to be able to feel like I could trust T enough to feel vulnerable. Your T sounds very understanding and willing to give you some space to have the time to feel comfortable...do you think you will be able to let your T talk to you about your childhood, etc. if you are able to get to that point?

Northgirl, honestly I don't know. She even said if the questions make you uncomfortable then I will just sit and listen and you can talk, would you be willing to do that? I told her no.
She said she wouldn't take notes if that bothered me. I told her no she could take notes that was fine. Because then I know she's not staring at the 100% of the time and at least with her writing she's not just looking at me.
Am I making any sense?? I know it's weird. I have never been to a T before and I have no clue what to say or do or what she wants from me??

Start with easy stuff. Tell the therapist you're not ready for the hard stuff yet, you need some time to build up to it. She'll understand. Take your time feeling comfortable with the therapist. the hard stuff will come once you feel comfortable in talking with her. You could start with just talking about what's going on right now with you, maybe why your doctor referred you to a T.

Therapists are used to helping people feel comfortable enough to talk about very difficult things. She should be willing to take as much time as you need to delve in to past issues...if that's what you want! If you don't feel that's where you want to go right now, tell your T that. If what you want right now is just coping skills, say so, and your T can probably help you with that.

I know it's very hard to do, but I've found that I get the most out of therapy if I'm just honest with my T and communicate to her what I'm thinking and feeling right then. If I'm terrified to approach a subject, I'll tell her that and she'll help me to work through that terror. If I really can't talk about something right then, I tell T that and we will put it aside for a bit. As much as we'd like them to be, therapists are not mind readers...they do a good job at making us think they are, but they really aren't.

Thank you BlessedRhiannon! I don't know if it's just my mind or what. Maybe it's because I didn't know what I was getting myself into. She asked me why I am afraid to talk to her and I couldn't tell her why. I don't even know why!!! All I know is I feel like I should dress undercover just to walk in and out of there so no one sees me. I have to give myself a pep talk before on the 20 min drive to the office.
When I left yesterday.. I said people actually come in here willing to talk to you? She said oh yea they feel better when they do too.. All I could think was are you serious??
I guess it comes down to I just admitted the physical and sexual abuse and still can't believe I am having to see someone??

Something my T does when I'm really struggling is to ask me to just tell her "one true thing" and then if that's all I can say, that's it. If I can talk more, she encourages me to stay on the subject for just 5 minutes, then the next session, just 10 minutes, etc. We work up to it...starting with just a single statement. Sometimes, that statement is "I'm terrified to talk about this."

scilence, it is totally understandable that if you JUST admitted to the physical and sexual abuse, talking about it out loud is still going to be very difficult and it feels like it is impossible. I am in my 40's and only recently admitted to the sexual abuse really. For a while, I would sometimes admit it and sometimes deny it and mainly just never ever thought about it. I have been in therapy for two years this month and we are just now getting to the sexual stuff. As others have said, tell the T that you have trouble talking about it.

My T and I have spent a bunch of sessions 'talking about talking about it' and my fears of what happens if I talk about, what to expect in terms of reactions afterward, and my T spends a lot of time talking about 'normal' responses to abuse. I feel like this has been really beneficial for me. Oh, and also, he spent time teaching me coping strategies to use for the emotions that will inevitably come up in the course of finally dealing with these things, so maybe that is a good place to start as well: grounding techniques, calming and self soothing techniques, etc.

A lot of people jot things down during the week, making notes for their next session. Do you think you would be able to read questions you have? I suck at opening up and talking, it helps to have a t that will draw things out of me. It sounds like your t is open to that. Sometimes letting them ask questions is easier then trying to put words to the mess in your brain.

Last week I didn't bring any notes, totally unlike me. We filled the whole hour no problem. I was surprised. I did know what I needed to talk to her about though - didn't want to, but needed to. I guess when you're in a spot like that, you don't need notes. hm.

Sometimes it's useful to say, I want to look at this ________- but I don't know how to get into it, can you help me? and see where it goes.

It makes perfect sense, scilence. Have you considered writing down some of the things, your fears about talking about, how you're unsure what to say and do, and just write that and give it to her next session? It can so intimidating to tell T that you can't give them what they want and need from you- maybe writing it down would make the communication easier and open that door?