I saw T today. I haven't been able to go much lately and have had long breaks between sessions - usually between 7 and 11 days. We've worked on staying connected between sessions, with e-mails and a phone call here and there, but somehow, there is still this distance between us.

Today, my session started out well...I had lots of happy news to tell him, and I did tell him, and we celebrated a little.

And then things got hard.

We had a horrible, horrible 4 months at the beginning of the year, and I *know* T wants to put it behind us, and I do too, SO much, but I see him so infrequently that there is a lot of time for the insecurities created by that time to rear their heads. That's kind of the place I've been in for a few days - feeling insecure - and T said something today that made it SO much worse and made me realize that this might be something my therapy actually can't recover from, no matter how much T and I want it all to just be better.

I have worked SO hard through all of the things that happened...I worked so hard to be honest and open, even when it was hard and embarrassing, to be present even when I wanted to dissociate, to keep showing up even when I wanted to run away. I worked hard to own my own part in everything that happened. I apologized when an apology was needed. I read and wrote a lot, I contacted other Ts to try to get help with the relationship. I honestly did everything I could...and what makes me sad is that even with all of that, I don't know that everything will ever really be okay again.

I was so honest with T about all of this today. I cried and cried and cried and cried, and at one point when I looked up from the pillow where I'd buried my face, T was crying too. He said that he felt so sad and that he cares so deeply for me. I said I was sorry and he said he was sorry too. It was so intimate and so painful.

I asked T to sit with me, and I held his hand and leaned my head on his arm and he rested his head on top of mine. He said he really heard how much pain therapy is causing me. We talked about having a pet that you love so much, and realizing that it's finally time to let that pet go....and how this is maybe like that.

T said that he doesn't want today to be the last session - that he wants time to reflect, to talk about what worked and what didn't, to find closure. So we scheduled a session for June 5, after we are both back from our vacations.

We said a prayer that we would know the right thing to do.

I am really sad, but trying to move forward because we are leaving for a vacation tomorrow that I've really be looking forward to.

[lostmyway]

((((nightsky)))) i am SO sorry that you are in so much pain. i really hope you and t can work it out and/or find closure. you are so brave and courageous and you have worked so very hard. i pray you will have a restful and fun vacation

[WikidPissah]

aww nightsky. so freakin painful. I am so sorry you are going thru this.

[pbutton]

I am so sorry. This sounds so hard.

[rainbow8]

First, I hope you have a great vacation and can put aside your therapy situation for awhile. You deserve a break!!!

I'm sorry that you and your T are at this point. It sounds so painful though it seems like a mutual decision that you terminate your therapy, or start the termination process.

I know how hard you've worked in your therapy. I hope you're not thinking of the current situation as a failure, for you've grown in so many ways and have ALWAYS been an inspiration to so many of us here!! Even in your thread now, though you say the session was so painful and you don't think it can ever be the same with your T, the love he feels for you is readily apparent. If you do end therapy with him, I'm sure it will be done with compassion and caring by both of you.

Wow Nightsky.... it sounds like you tried everything that you could.... maybe it is time to move on...

But just a thought like devil's advocate here... do you think that you have spent so much time trying to "process this issue" (and this might be totally off the wall since I have no idea what happened) that you haven't let yourself see how the relationship could be different... Like maybe you have been trying to get the relationship back to where it was but it won't ever be that again. Well you will never get "this" relationship with another T either.. because a relationship is between 2 people and their personalities is what makes it unique... So no matter whether you stay with your T or not you will not have the past relationship with your T...but you could have a new one...

Just a thought...

but your healing is a journey and like life where we have many people who impact us over our lifetime...like a favorite school teacher or professor... that we will always remember fondly and with a special spot in our heart...and with a knowledge that if we live life in an open way there will be other wonderful people entering our lives in the next stage...

Wishing you a wonderful vacation and a real peace about your decision.

[lostmyway21]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he loves and cares about you a lot.

[SpiritRunner]

I am so sorry for all the pain you and your T are experiencing, nightsky. My heart does ache for you ..... love can be such a beautiful healing thing, but with it there's the chance too for such pain and sorrow and bittersweet aching.
I wonder if in some ways the emotional bond between you and T has gotten so deep that it in effect can hinder, is hindering, the effectiveness of your therapy?
And by this I do not mean that it has been wrong for there to be such a deep emotional, loving connection because I think that has been vital for you to have that in order to do work that you've done and to heal ..... just that in some ways, there is so much going on in the relationship now emotionally that it's getting in the way of therapy. That instead of therapy being about you ..... it's now about you AND him ..... it's like 2 friends struggling to repair their relationship?
I'm not sure how to word it to reflect the way I sense it in my mind ....
I'm sorry if there's anything hurtful/triggering in my clumsy efforts to express the thoughts I've had.
I so hope you will have a lovely vacation and that in that time an answer of peace about this relationship will come to you and to T and that you will be able to do what needs to be done to move forward.
Just remember, people change, relationships change, they ebb and flow - but the connection you have had can remain in your heart and the memories and the work that you have done together, that WILL always be yours! Always.

[googley]

((((((((((((Nightsky)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I can feel it in your writing. I hope that you are your T can find the right solution for you, no matter what that might be. Please make sure to take care of yourself.

I hope that your vacation goes well and you are able to enjoy yourself.

Thanks for the replies It feels good to be heard.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

But just a thought like devil's advocate here... do you think that you have spent so much time trying to "process this issue" (and this might be totally off the wall since I have no idea what happened) that you haven't let yourself see how the relationship could be different... Like maybe you have been trying to get the relationship back to where it was but it won't ever be that again. Well you will never get "this" relationship with another T either.. because a relationship is between 2 people and their personalities is what makes it unique... So no matter whether you stay with your T or not you will not have the past relationship with your T...but you could have a new one...

I think this has been our goal...not to have our "old" relationship, but to build a "new" one...but it's SO painful that I'm not sure it's worth it. I really do think it's time to move on. I think T really gets it, and agrees, but we're both really sad. It's such a strange place to be.

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I wonder if in some ways the emotional bond between you and T has gotten so deep that it in effect can hinder, is hindering, the effectiveness of your therapy?
And by this I do not mean that it has been wrong for there to be such a deep emotional, loving connection because I think that has been vital for you to have that in order to do work that you've done and to heal ..... just that in some ways, there is so much going on in the relationship now emotionally that it's getting in the way of therapy.

I do think that our "human-ness" got in the way. T had a very human reaction to the situation we found ourselves in for the past few months, and he made some mistakes. I love that my T shows his human side - I couldn't do therapy otherwise - but I just think some things happened that I can't get past. It doesn't undo the love, or our work together, or the healing...all of that is still real...but I do think it's made it so I can't move forward.

I've decided that I want this process to take as many sessions as it takes, for both T and I to feel like we honored our relationship and all of the work we did together. I was thinking that June 5 would be my last session, but now I think that it will take 3 or 4 sessions to wrap it up. I want to talk about the past 4 1/2 years, what was good, what was bad, how I've healed, how I'll manage without therapy, and I want to do something symbolic with T...maybe create art for each other or something.

I know it will all be okay, and I will be okay. I know that because of T I really do have the support I need in real life to get through this. I know that I'll be able to hold on to all of the things that were so good and so healing...AND I know that it's going to be sad, and I really never expected it to end this way.

[delicatefade26]

Wow nightsky...there is a lot I would like to say but don't know how to articulate it just right..but your post was powerful (as they always are ; ) I wish you nothing but the best as you go through this transition...and let us know how it goes k?

(((((((nightsky))))))) follow your instincts. they have served you well in the past. t's are human but sometimes we don't want to see their human side, we are there for ourselves.

last night t said " you can ask me anything " such a simple statement but one i hadn't thought about...

take your time.. play it slow... and color lots of mandalas!
sending safe hugs

[stopdog]

I hope the process goes well for you. It seems like you have thought it out and are ready.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( nightsky )))

So painful. I admire your strength and that you are working towards giving yourself the time you need to have the closure you need.

(( HUGS ))

[rainbow_rose]

wish i had some words, nightsky.

lots of hugs to you as you travel this part of your journey