[lostmyway21]

So me and T go for walks every session. Today I realized T is human and experiences the same range of emotions I do, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. We were walking around downtown, and they were doing a film shoot. We were talking and he kind of tripped over a sign that was already on the ground. One of the film crew say and picked it up and said something like people should watch where they are going instead of knocking over signs. (typical NY'ers lol) Anyway, I could totally tell that T was really annoyed and wanted to say something back at film guy. T is the most calm and collected person I ever met. It was weird to see him mad at somebody. I mean he didn't do anything wrong, it's not like he went ape ***** on the guy. I just never seen him experience his own emotions before. I found myself trying to distract him. I guess all the years of having an autistic brother I did what came natural, diffused what I perceived as a possible situation. The whole thing lasted at the most like three minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. It's all a learning experience I guess, but man I'm having weird feelings about it.

[Sannah]

Ah, important stuff to work through in therapy! The role you played with your brother affected you and probably still does. Your quick response to tend to your T would be a good thing to discuss with him. I'll bet you do this a lot through out your whole life - caretaking........ (and boundaries are involved in this too because your reaction is that this is your responsibility).

[lostmyway21]

Oh man...something about this is making me want to end therapy.

[Sannah]

Running away will only guarantee that your past will continue to affect you. You want to leave your past behind then work through it.

[unaluna]

T gets defensive!!! It's ugly, isn't it? It truly is that Wizard of Oz moment. We had a lonnnng talk about this today, it's a sensitive subject for them. (Remember a short while back, eastcoaster said what a breakthru it was when her T admitted she was wrong about something?)

My T said asked me if I felt unloved when he got defensive. I said no, I like when he hides behind walls, it means he's naked behind them, i'm seeing the real person. He said, well you're used to FOO being defensive - and he does have a point there. This wasn't the whole conversation and we agreed there was more to talk about.

But this might be a reason to keep T in the room - less chance of him getting "tripped up". I hope you don't let it spoil the good thing you have going. I hope HE is able to talk about it. Your reaction, your feeling is totally reasonable, understandable - it's kinda nauseating. But please talk it out with him. It is EXACTLY these kind of weird incidents - working thru them - that can move therapy a giant step forward.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by hankster

T gets defensive!!! It's ugly, isn't it? It truly is that Wizard of Oz moment. We had a lonnnng talk about this today, it's a sensitive subject for them. (Remember a short while back, eastcoaster said what a breakthru it was when her T admitted she was wrong about something?)

My T said asked me if I felt unloved when he got defensive. I said no, I like when he hides behind walls, it means he's naked behind them, i'm seeing the real person. He said, well you're used to FOO being defensive - and he does have a point there. This wasn't the whole conversation and we agreed there was more to talk about.

But this might be a reason to keep T in the room - less chance of him getting "tripped up". I hope you don't let it spoil the good thing you have going. I hope HE is able to talk about it. Your reaction, your feeling is totally reasonable, understandable - it's kinda nauseating. But please talk it out with him. It is EXACTLY these kind of weird incidents - working thru them - that can move therapy a giant step forward.

Im scared by bringing it up he will get defensive with me, and take away my walks. We do walks cause it's the only way to get me to talk and he knows that. So I'm really scared to say anything.

[Sannah]

I'm lost? Where was T defensive? Why would he get defensive?

[unaluna]

the important thing is, his reaction made you want to quit, it scared you. he won't see that as a negative. if you tell him that, he will see it as a HUGE positive. all you showed on the walk was your brave face, right?

I wish unhappy-guy was seeing your T, he is doing the same kind of patient re-parenting my T is doing, I can tell from your posts.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by hankster

the important thing is, his reaction made you want to quit, it scared you. he won't see that as a negative. if you tell him that, he will see it as a HUGE positive. all you showed on the walk was your brave face, right?

I wish unhappy-guy was seeing your T, he is doing the same kind of patient re-parenting my T is doing, I can tell from your posts.

Why is that a positive?

[unaluna]

maybe I read into it that he got defensive. perhaps he was appropriately angry? why was he walking thru a film shoot then? of course he got defensive, he looked like an idiot. No offense, lost. sigh. this is why I don't have any friends...

[unaluna]

it's a positive because you are being brave enough to say it. it's taking a risk. it IS scary. You're saying, YES, I AM GOING THERE! You obviously saw better than he did what happened, or at least you have your own version. T is NOT our abusive boyfriend, we are not gonna get smacked for saying, "uh, you know when you tripped back there? I need to talk about it." If T can't handle it, you need to move on, as you would if the boyfriend smacked you. But i'm pretty sure T can handle it.

ETA: and it's still important to talk about it, what it means for you two, not just here on PC.

[Sannah]

Funny how people can see things differently. He made a mistake because he was walking while intently focusing on his client. Here in Kentucky, if someone tripped over a sign a person would say "are you alright?" I thought he got angry because the guy was rude.

LMW, I assumed that your distress came from you being triggered, not from you reacting to what your T did?

[WikidPissah]

No reason to quit T. I would get a little miffed if someone were rude to me too. Did you fear your T was going to melt down? Your instinct to diffuse is very familiar to me. I always go into high alert as soon as I sense someone might be the least bit upset, like I am the world's peace maker.

I hope this turns out for good for you. Knowing my T is just human has made my therapy so much more helpful.
I am married to a T... I can guarantee you that they are just humans with a wide range of emotions.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

No reason to quit T. I would get a little miffed if someone were rude to me too. Did you fear your T was going to melt down? Your instinct to diffuse is very familiar to me. I always go into high alert as soon as I sense someone might be the least bit upset, like I am the world's peace maker.

I was scared T was going to get aggressive like the other male figures in my life.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Im scared by bringing it up he will get defensive with me, and take away my walks. We do walks cause it's the only way to get me to talk and he knows that. So I'm really scared to say anything.

I don't think that he is going to get defensive. He is not the other men from your past. I doubt that he would take away something that is helping you to talk.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by hankster

it's a positive because you are being brave enough to say it. it's taking a risk. it IS scary. You're saying, YES, I AM GOING THERE! You obviously saw better than he did what happened, or at least you have your own version. T is NOT our abusive boyfriend, we are not gonna get smacked for saying, "uh, you know when you tripped back there? I need to talk about it." If T can't handle it, you need to move on, as you would if the boyfriend smacked you. But i'm pretty sure T can handle it.

ETA: and it's still important to talk about it, what it means for you two, not just here on PC.

I sent him an email:

"I got home from session today feeling a little mixed up, and I couldn't figure out why. So I replayed the session over and over a few times and I figured it out. Remember when you stepped on the sign? I really don't want to talk about it, because I'm scared to, but at the same time I know I need to. That was the first time I think I've ever seen you experience your own emotions in front of me. Which was kind of confusing and unsettling. You were obviously pissed at the guy. Right away I felt the need to distract you, and I wondered why? So I thought about it for a while, and I think it was all the years I cared for my brother. Anytime I felt like there was a possible issue I learned to diffuse him through distraction. At the same time I felt it was my responsibility to care for you. I think I do that in all my relationships. Its weighed heavy on me through all these years, and still does. I think it's why I just isolate myself from my family now. I was always the caretaker, and today I felt that same need to do it with you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like distancing myself from you and therapy a bit now. I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like running from this issue."

I'm so scared of his response.

[Sannah]

Good work LMW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I'm so scared of his response.

nooooo, lost...**big giant Wiki **(it's safe). It's a good email, a very good email and you were very brave to send it. I know your T is going to read that and say "yea! lost is communicating!"

Go lostmyway!! That was a really good, clear message, and you did good to send it.

[unaluna]

I didn't know all that about your brother, or your history. I was just going on your reaction to his reaction, which was so much like my reaction to our rupture last year, where I got TOTALLY weirded out by my T.

But this is where I learned, that by holding out for the "best" guy that fit my mom's standards, I ended up with absolutely the worst fit for me (and not too great by other people's standards, either, unfortunately!), and ultimately ended up alone, because no one is "good enough", unlike my perfect FOO. Riiiiight... You always had to be the bigger person to accommodate your brother, so did I, although in a different way. You were the peacemaker, that's also always being the bigger person. But I told T today, I should have stopped turning the other cheek after age 21 and started standing up for myself, cos the family just thought I was stupid when I didn't react to THEIR stupidity! Oy vey! Anyway, great letter, great insight, it really came fRom YOU. I bet ya knock his sox off!
I LOVE these weird unplanned moments - I wonder if there's a word for them - where then you make this quantum therapeutic leap that you don't see would have happened if this mistake hadn't occurred, if the sign hadn't been there for him to trip over!

[PiperLeigh]

Ditto... You did great expressing how it made you feel. Good job! <3

[lostmyway21]

He sent me a message, he said the email was good and he will never take away my walks. I guess that makes me feel a little better.

[critterlady]

Lost, that was an excellent email. Really insightful. I'm confident that your T will see it as a breakthrough and be very happy.

[rainboots87]

I've been realizing the same thing lately with my T. It's like- duh! of course my T has emotions like sadness (incl. trying not to cry) and anger. I don't know why I didn't consider that before.