[FourRedheads]

Trigger warning: self-injury and csa. Please be careful and be safe.

I called my T this morning. I haven't self-injured since college. Today it was too much. I remember more of the csa and last night I wrote it down. The urge to cut today is overwhelming.

I called T and left a message that I wanted to cut. I don't like to talk about it. T knows that I cut as a teen but she doesn't know much about it.

She called back an hour later. The urge was too strong. I was putting away dishes and saw the knife and I cut.

I want to cut again. I'm fighting it right now. I know where the knife is. The kids are busy. I could go get it and go in the bathroom.

I hate myself so so so so so much. I want to scratch, pinch, hit, cut myself.

[unaluna]

four redheads, i'm glad you're back. don't disappear, that's what SI is, isn't it? stay here with us.

[FourRedheads]

I'm trying. I really am.

I want to cut. I'm fighting....

Go do something with your kids....force yourself to get out of your mind and be present with your kids...go to the park ....something....

I don't have the SI experience (unless ED counts) so I don't think I have much to offer you but I'll be thinking about you today....

[SeaSalt]

Red, hankster is right. Stay with us. Type something to us. Anything. Just keep talking to us.

[WikidPissah]

(((4))) hang in there...keep posting. You have infinite value.

[sconnie892]

I agree with readytostop. See if you can get outside with the kids. When I get the urge to si I try to get somewhere public - a store, the library - anywhere that I am not by myself. Had to do that after my session yesterday. Stay safe.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

I agree with readytostop. See if you can get outside with the kids. When I get the urge to si I try to get somewhere public - a store, the library - anywhere that I am not by myself. Had to do that after my session yesterday. Stay safe.

Great idea. Try and go somewhere public. I go for a walk in the park when the urge is bad. Or I distract with a hot shower. Or I stimulate my hands with a toy.

Keep typing...were here.

[FourRedheads]

The urge was too strong.

Okay...you guys are right. I need to get out of here. Kids are watching a show on Netflix. When it's over, I'll take them to the library.

Thinking about calling T again but afraid of the consequences of doing that.

The urge to hurt myself is strong.

[FourRedheads]

Oh...thank you all. I haven't been posting and I don't deserve all the support. But thank you! I appreciate all of you.

What would be the consequences of calling your T again? Isn't this exactly the time when you should call them? Thats what they're for isn't it?

Yes, go to the library. Libraries are great. Maybe there's an event going on you can take the kids to, a talk or a story time thing. Go for ice cream on the way home! Pick up some for me!! :-)

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

You do deserve the support. Everyone does. That you reached out, here and to your T, is really brave.

I am confident that you can find that something that works for you to stop the SI. You have choices and you can choose to be kind and accepting towards yourself.

[likelife]

Of course you deserve support! I'm glad you reached out. I hope that things improve after taking the kids to the library.

[SpiritRunner]

Yes, you do deserve the support. You have it.
I echo the thought of changing your environment, going to the park, doing something like taking a walk, going to the library. Exercise is something that I use to dispel the emotional energy that makes me want to do something self-destructive, too; that or read a book or be in the sun ...
And one other thing, maybe it'll sound hokey, but so what if it helps? And it does me, so I will mention it. But try hugging yourself, stroking your hands down your arms, massaging them or your shoulders or your legs .... T1 suggested something like this to me, doing something gentle, compassionate, appreciative toward my body ...... where you might cut, pinch, scratch, hurt yourself, do the gentle touch stroke instead .....

[stopdog]

I understand how much it helps to si. It sometimes works for me to make myself endure being around other people untilmthe urge lessens. Or doing something physical with my pets or biking etc. i am sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

[WikidPissah]

How you doing 4??

How are you tonight? Thinking of you an hoping things get better.

[FourRedheads]

Thank you all so much.

I did take the kids to the library. Spent the time wishing I could go home and si I was able to read a few books to my little guy and act (I hope!) somewhat normal.

The urge was still strong though. So I called T again when we got home. She called back right away,said she was between sessions, she was there, and would see me Thursday. So I felt a little better.

[WePow]

you did a good job reaching out

[FourRedheads]

I'm fighting the urge again. More flashes of memory are surfacing. Is that called flooding? They are coming back all at once and I can't deal. The knife is in the kitchen...I want to get it and cut. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be typing this out.

T said my grandpa molested me. What the hell? What does that even mean? No no no no no no no no.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( HUGS ))))))

I am so sorry you're hurting. I can understand how awful it feels to be flooded and to endure flashbacks...and to feel the shock of it.

Please, please, try to find a healthier way to release that excess energy.....exercise, scream, do whatever you possibly can without harming yourself....I know the urges can be so strong....

We are here....

[WikidPissah]

just checking up on you 4...hang in there!

[Towanda]

4 I had a similar experience, when SA memories started crashing in during therapy, after I became sober. You feel like you're drowning and can't breathe. And yes, the urge to SI is powerfully strong because the emotions are so overwhelming. Everyone here had such good advice - I won't bore you and repeat it. Being around people is the most important so you can't SI. Remember that you may feel this way NOW, in this instance, but you won't always feel this way - it will pass, it will get better, you will get through it. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's true. It was a long, difficult healing journey for me, but I've come out on the other side - it is possible.

Take care of yourself - you're in my thoughts and prayers

Hey 4, yeah that's hard. are you hanging in there? will you update us? please be okay~