[scilence]

Today was my 4th appt. I couldn't sleep last night. I gave myself a peptalk all the way to my appt. I told myself you can do this.. I listened to great music... I got five mins away... I bit all of my nails, I started to panic, and by the time I was sitting in front of her I was shaking...
She noticed right away and said you look very guarded today, why? I told her I'm fine.... I checked out.... The only thing I remembering her saying today after that is "Do you realize how emotionally shut down you are? You show absolutely no emotion. You are the first patient I have ever had that was this shut down to everyone. Talk to me..." I told her she scares the crap out of me. She asked why and I told her because I am afraid if I remember more than what I do now, it will be what I don't want to know..."

I am so over this.. I am TERRIFIED to talk!

My husband doesn't know... Poor guy just gave me a lecture last night that I need to talk to him. How do you talk to someone who doesn't know and you don't want to know right now... I am finding myself getting irritated at the smallest thing... My 3 year old has to say mom look at me to get my attention because I am constantly thinking...

Someone please offer something...

[stopdog]

Does writing stuff down help you at all?

[scilence]

No... I don't want to write either.... I know I need to do something... But I don't know what it is I can do.

[sconnie892]

I haven't read all your previous posts, so maybe you already discussed this, but has your t helped you learn any coping skills? My t taught me some things for the anxiety I originally went in to work on. Now I find myself using some of the skills before sessions to help me relax.

[scilence]

I have PTSD. She told me to tell myself I am safe now and something else. But honestly, I have a hard time remembering what she says because I am so scared of being there I don't know what she says half of the time. I don't get anxiety. I never understood someone with anxiety but now I do!!!

sorry we dont have any advice but wanted to let you know you were heard and supported♥♥♥

[pbutton]

I can relate. The more I go back, the more I am able to say. The only thing that seems to work is for me to keep trying.

I have all this great stuff planned in my head. It never comes out that way.

[autumnleaves]

If it helps, when I first started therapy, there were long periods of time that I would just sit and struggle to find words to say what happened to me. My therapist then was only a master's student in counseling psychology, but she had what it takes because she insisted on making me tell her what happened. Pushing me like that was the best thing she could have done for me. I love her for it. In time, you will be able to say more and more. Just start wherever you can and never never give up.

[WikidPissah]

It takes time to form a trust with your T. It's only been 4 sessions, that is barely enough time to decide whether you like her or not...never mind trust. You don't have to jump right into the deepest darkest secrets and memories, you can talk about more eminent things like staying present. Will your T do Q&A for a couple weeks so you can get a rhythm going?

[Perna]

Accepting that you are terrified instead of fighting it might help it collapse some. When things get "crazy" for me, I just shrug and relax about it and that will help for a few moments at least, sometimes enough so I can "start over" at a lower level. Maybe bring a talisman in to therapy with you; something you know and enjoy (book, stuffed animal, special piece of jewelry, I brought my grandmother's afghan in once) and use it to keep yourself connected to your world that you feel more comfortable in.

I agree with Wikid. I'm just starting with a new therapist too and had my 4th appointment yesterday with her. I like her because yeah, she doesn't ask me to re-hash all these painful memories from the past. We're focusing on the present. What can I do now, this week, today? etc. She's a DBT therapist so she's also explaining some DBT coping techniques like breathing and mindfulness. Go slow. If your therapist is good they won't push you harder than you need to be pushed.

I had my T write me a note early on that sort of outlined the coping mechanism that he wanted me to use. I just couldn't remember it on my own.

[scilence]

I bit the bullet and called my T and asked if she would be willing to see me again this week even though I just seen her yesterday. She said yes and even said if she has a cancellation today she will call me. If not, I will see her in the morning.

[critterlady]

I hope it goes well, Scilence. Building a trusting relationship with your T is work and can take a long time.

[likelife]

That's great that you contacted her and asked for what you need!

[Sannah]

How did it go?

[scilence]

Sannah,
Sorry, I am still getting the hang of this website so I don't realize when people respond. Well, it didn't help me to talk any. I told her I was trying and I thought with me making this appt. on my own I could talk myself in to telling her whatever she needed to know... Nope... She spent the whole hour trying to make me feel comfortable talking to her again and said she was glad I came in. She said she was going to get a picture of a golden retriver being drug down to water and hang it in her office haha. Once again she pointed out I am emotionally shut down and she knows once I can trust her and open up I will feel better. She said she thinks it's so neat to see people come in and at the end of therapy be a changed person.
She wants me to write about my feelings in a journal and I have no clue what to write!! Is lost a feeling?? I draw a blank every time I try to write in it..

[stopdog]

If you like this therapist, then I hope you feel better soon, but if she is too perky or shallow for you, have you thought about trying out others. The golden retriever thing sounds creepy and violent.

[scilence]

lol, Stopdog you're posts always make me laugh... She was saying sometimes you have to drag them to the water but when they finally get in they love the water....

[pianolady]

i have no advice but can relate. i just have to force myself semetimes... sometimes i dont talk with my t at all...

[scilence]

Pianolady, you don't talk at all sometimes? What does your T say?

[pianolady]

t usually just keeps asking questions, and there are lots of long silences.

[SoupDragon]

I have been seeing my T for over 2 years - he reminded me recently that it took about 6 months to talk to him at all and even now it is mostly difficult with a few break through moments now and again.

Please don't given yourself a hard time for this - from what you have shared it sounds like you are being immensely brave just turning up to the sessions.

I am not sure how helpful I would find it to hear:

"Do you realize how emotionally shut down you are? You show absolutely no emotion. You are the first patient I have ever had that was this shut down to everyone. Talk to me..."

Sounds a bit harsh to me. "Talk to me" if my T said that I would think well yes that is why I am here, but how do I do that exactly. A relationship of trust takes time to build.

Be kind and gentle with yourself - therapy is not an easy thing, in fact I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through. It takes time, but I have faith that it will be worth it. Also bear in mind that research suggests the most important factor in therapy, is the fit between T and client. Although I find it hard to be open with my T (and am very disconnected), I do have a sense that he understands me, otherwise I think it would be worth exploring whether it would feel more comfortable with another T.


Soup

[Sannah]

Sounds like you have a good therapist. Maybe focus on just getting comfortable with her first and not focusing on talking? What could you 2 do together that would make you feel more comfortable? Could you play a game or show her something about yourself or draw together?