End of the DBT experiment, now what?

Ok it's not quite the end because I'm still going to go to group but I did say goodbye to the overpriced not-very-convincing-or-effective-to-me individual DBT counselor yesterday.

I saw her 6-7 times and never felt a connection. I don't think it was her so much as the DBT approach to therapy.

My plan now is to keep going to group for at least a few more times but go back to a regular talk therapist for individual counseling. For now it looks like that will be Backup T.

(Backup T. is a guy I saw 5-6 times before I started the DBT program. He said it would be too many therapists if I did the program and continued with him so he was going to step back while I did the DBT thing but would remain as a "backup" T. for me.)

I went to see Backup T. this week to ask his advice about an overall strategy for treatment, NOT necessarily to ask him to agree to be my primary therapist again. In fact I said I was totally willing to try to find someone else who is more prepared to take on the challenge of a patient with a possible BPD diagnosis, even though I think it's mild. He said, however, that he didn't feel like it was necessary for me to do that, kind of implying that maybe he would be up for it.

Of course that made me feel good but I'm also aware that I was my most charming self in that particular session with him. I can talk a good game sometimes and I made it sound like treating whatever is broken in me should be a snap. I made it sound like I would be the ideal client since I'm smart and motivated and "not that bad".

But really I've been doing a lot of reading and research, lately from a text book on Schema Therapy for Practitioners, and I really think that the kind of treatment that I need is not going to be easy or quick at all.

I hope what I'm going to say next doesn't make anyone feel bad because I know a lot of you have histories of abuse so maybe consider this a kind of trigger warning to stop reading now if you think this might make you feel badly and many, many apologies if it does. I am so, so sorry for those of you have tragic and painful childhoods.

I don't have a history of abuse.

I have something else.

There were no adults around at all when I was growing up. It's not my parent's fault; there were extenuating circumstances. I've always seen my childhood as happy because I grew up in a beautiful place and nothing bad happened to me. I'm realize I'm sooooo fortunate not to have a history of CSA. Any number of horrible things could have happened since I was a kid alone but they didn't, thankgod. I was alone most of the time but I was always okay.

The problem is I guess I didn't learn a few things that kids with active relationships with parental figures learn so I need to go back and learn those things now. I really like the idea of limited re-parenting talked about in Schema Therapy. but I'm not at all confident I can find someone who wants to invest years in doing such intensive work just to help some 36 year old woman finally stop acting like a needy little girl.

So I'm back to regular old CBT, the kind of therapy I've tried for years that hasn't worked for me so far. I figure it's better than nothing. And maybe by reading about how kids grow up and get their basic needs met i can somehow re-parent myself. I know it sounds kinda crazy but i did once. I can do it again. And maybe Backup T. can help.

I don't have any other ideas.

I think Schema therapy is a type of CBT, so some of the therapists who call themselves CBT might actually be trained in Schema and could provide it. Maybe your backup T would know some practitioners? There is also a CBT group format for BPD that is called STEPPS. I don't know how common it is since DBT seems so popular these days.

Would you be able to continue with the DBT group indefinitely while seeing the backup T, or would the DBT people not allow you to keep going without an individual DBT therapist? It seems like one of the roles of the individual DBT therapist is to be available always so the client can call for support in using skills to regulate their emotions, not self-harm, etc. If you don't need a T for this purpose, i.e. you don't need to make calls to the T outside of your sessions, then maybe not having an individual DBT counselor would be OK with the group folks.

Good luck finding what you need.

Thanks sunrise.

The DBT people seem fine with me doing group while working with Backup T. (or someone else for that matter). I don't cut or self-harm so while of course I would love to have someone who offered email support between sessions (and Backup T absolutely does not and won't give me his email address) maybe it's not absolutely crucial. He does return my calls promptly though and will schedule on short notice if I'm in crisis so maybe that's okay. But honestly I really feel like he's not able to offer the support I might possibly need if things do get really bad again. I'm afraid that he will be like my old T. who got overwhelmed when I became suicidal once and then he'll have to leave me and that's very traumatic.

Lilly...just be really clear about the boundaries up front with this T. Ask when it's ok to call, what to do if you are in a crisis during office hours, during evening hours, on weekends. Better to be very clear on these things then not to know if you are pushing to far.

@Wikid I will, for sure! I still don't know though if that's enough. Maybe me being fearful of trusting that Backup T. is up to the job is just a result of being dumped by my old T. It's totally normal and understandable that given that that actually happened once I'm fearful it will happen again. I keep going back to my old T saying this [having a suicidal patient on his couch] had only happened to him 2-3 times in his career. He just wasn't used to that. He got overwhelmed and scared (he told me he was scared; the "overwhelmed" part is my own interpretation but it seems pretty clear he was overwhelmed at the time).

I actually really want to write him again now and give him an update on where I'm at but I guess that's not a good idea is it? It's just that I still want to repair the broken relationship with him. I want to show him I am much more emotionally stable now and have a clearer picture of what I need to do (ideally find someone who can help me with the above) and while it'd be great to do that with him since I already had the parent-figure transference thing going on anyway but I'm also willing to try it with someone else if he could recommend someone.

That sounds like a reasonable email to send doesn't it?

I say no, stick with the one papa bear you got, backup T. now I see why the dom. I used to tell my t/pdoc that "all men are mine" - I may not have ONE of my own, but all my male workmates were "mine". They nicknamed me after Anna Nichole, but I look more like Rosanne, only not as good - THAT'S a seductive personality!

I started my therapy with my current T with the book ATTACHMENT by David Wallin (so did skysblue, btw) - just trying to figure out what was SUPPOSED to have happened in those early years, and what did not happen, what i'm missing because of it, what i'm unknowingly doing to compensate for what I don't know I missed! You don't know what you don't know, is a big part of the problem - you know?? Borrow books from your T. DW Winnicott is who my T recommended most, he's more philosophical, but awesome. And there is a LOT of help on here, some ubersmart, very well read peeps, just ask. I'm so excited for you!

@hankster had to wait to reply to this one 'cause I had to think.

Funny, "papa bear" is my nickname for my fiancé. I would never think of Backup T as a papa bear. My papa bear probably outweighs him by 100 pounds! lol

and whaddya mean now you see why the Dom??? :-P

Thanks for the book recommendation! I will almost certainly read it. I like philosophical. I was telling my fiancé a story from my childhood yesterday and he said, wow, that sounds like extreme emotional neglect. (what, most parents don't just open the car door and let their 4 year old out on the street in front of the day care center and drive off not realizing that the day care center is closed because of Memorial Day??? LOL)

I never thought of my childhood as "unhappy". In fact I'm grateful that my parents weren't more involved in my life because I would've turned out completely differently. I think I walk this very, very fine line when describing my childhood to people. If I decide to do this work with some therapist it's gonna be really important to me that we NOT slip into portraying my childhood as "bad" or "emotionally abusive". It wasn't. I was very happy being alone most of my time with my dog and my books. Turned me into the lovable super-nerd I am today! lol

And yes these forums are the best support group I could ask for. I'm so grateful to have found such genuinely caring people who are struggling just as much and often more so than I am. I love y'all so much!!

hey lils. I get you on the childhood - I was okay as long as my parents left me alone. my mother's sister used to tell my mom she should do more, take a stronger hand, etc. but my mom would ask me if I wanted her to, I would say no; I was getting the best grades of ALL the cousins, so nobody could argue with that. But the fact was, I was neglected, isolated. But yeah, it coulda been worse, it would have been worse if my patents had intervened more in my life. Crazy!

Exactly. Lots of people who aren't suited for the job of parenting become parents regardless because of social pressure. (that's what women/wives are supposed to do, right? have kids? regardless of your own emotional well-being and ability to raise another human being!)