Thinking about stopping contact with T

My T and I have a lot of out of session contact by text- as a fixed arrangement. So much that I am actually too ashamed to write it here, and I've not been ashamed to write anything here before... It's not that I feel ashamed about it in my day to day life, or like I think we're doing anything wrong, it's just that I worry it would sound crazy to other people- even you guys.

Tomorrow is the last day of her ten day holiday and I feel.. securely attached. I love her, and I know she loves me, but this time I haven't needed to constantly think about her, or hold onto the stuff she's given me, or been obsessively doing fractions with the number of days passed/still to go. I've had moments of missing her, but they have been just moments. I feel fairly grown up, and pretty peaceful even though there have been some really hard days this week.

I'm wondering what it would be like to feel like this all the time. To not go back to texting- to know that she's out there, without needing to be near here all the time. I've had lots of times when I've tried to stop contact before, but it's been because it hurts too much, or because I'm afraid she's going to take it all away, or because I'm so frustrated that we're not getting enough work done. This is just- maybe I'm ready.

Just wanted to put out there that this is how I've been feeling recently. If only because when she's back on Tuesday I may well be thrown into ambivalent reunion turmoil and find it impossible to believe I ever felt this secure!.. Thanks for listening

I'm really glad to hear you've made progress and feel so secure - that's brilliant, well done!

Go with your gut instinct on this. If you cut contact and it doesn't work for you, you can always go back. Maybe discuss it with it T first, and see what she feels on the subject? I definitely think it would be great (ideal, even) if you were able to stop most outside contact, but still have it open for those (hopefully few and far between) crisis situations, you know?

That sounds like such a nice space to be in! I wish I could be feeling like you right now.

Not texting any more maybe is something to try it out and see how it goes.
Could you talk to your T about your desire to see what it's like to not text any more?

I'm happy and proud of you finding that space!
I think doing what you're thinking of doing is a good idea, a very good idea. And this seems like a natural starting point, since you've really already started.
Don't worry about holding on to this space looking ahead too far .... just think about holding on to it in this moment, in this day, and be mindful of how good and settled it feels to have it this way. Secure enough to be separate from T yet know she is still there for the moments of greater need ....

Sounds like a wonderful place to be! I have found that my attachment ebbs and flows....

I think it sounds like it worked! My therapist allowed me unlimited access like that as well, and I remember when I realized I just didn`t feel those urgent `needs` to text or email. I felt so secure, which felt so good.. but felt so weird too!

Don`t worry about it. Your relationship isn`t going anywhere. And you might ocassionally experience a setback that prompts a flurry of contact, but don`t worry about that either :-)

It`s all good!

Thanks for all the encouragement T is back in the morning and I am starting to get nervous I don't know why I can survive separation but then fall apart at reunion. Well- maybe I do know. My mother is so unpredictable and ambivalent towards me and I never knew/know how she will be when I approach her. T is the total opposite and is the same at reunion as she was at separation- loving and interested and glad to see me- but this seems to trigger ambivalence in *me* and I resist and push her away... and then of course beg her to come back etc etc. It's ugly, and I don't want to be that person anymore, but I'm worried I'll do it again tomorrow.

I suppose I'm also feeling anxious about whether I'll be able to follow through on my decision to stop contact. It really helps to read your responses and remind myself that it can just be a trial to see how it goes. I especially love your idea SpiritRunner of holding onto feeling like this and enjoying it in this moment, rather than getting caught up in worrying about 'forever'. I am also giving myself permission to keep the contact, if that's what feels right, without it being a 'failure'. There are no shoulds, this isn't my one and only chance to stop the contact, it's just about seeing what feels right. Argh! Wish me luck

You said it! Good luck, you'll do just great with this!

You`ve got it, Minniemouse. It`s not all or none. Don`t `make` yourself write her, and don`t `make` yourself hold back from writing if you feel the need. It feels really good to let it flow naturally. Sometimes you`ll need it, other times you won`t.

Most important thing to keep in mind is that she has already proven that when you need her, she will respond. Trust her to be there when you need her.

If you think about it from a developmental perspective, kids often need to have their needs met before those particular needs can be extinguished. Among my group of parenting friends, we often remind ourselves of this when kids seem to need to be held often, or to sleep in our beds, or to nurse longer than some people in society think is acceptable, etc. We often reassure ourselves that our kids will probably not need us to go to college with them to sleep with them or hold them when they need reassurance.

So we often say that the fastest way to "get rid of" a behavior that is making us crazy is to meet the kid's needs for that. And it actually works-- so we hold our kids, nurse them, allow them to sleep with us. And pretty soon they don't need to do that anymore.

Now that my youngest is 10, I look back and I am not sorry that he nursed well into toddlerhood, that he regularly appeared in our bed until he was about 8, and that we tried to hold him as often as he wanted to. He's a super independent, responsible, and mature kid. I ignored all those people (most of them family) who were sure that all the "babying" we did was going to turn him into a giant brat. The kids I know who are the brattiest and the whiniest are those whose parents basically tell them in many little ways to grow up and stop being a kid with normal needs.

All this as a prelude to say that having a lot of contact with your T is a normal need for you, and it would make sense to me that you are feeling like you no longer need it. It would also make sense to me if you go thru one or more periods where you feel like you need it again, only to pretty quickly decide that you are done with it.

I think that it's great, both that your T could do this for you and that it seems to have "worked" to meet your needs.