I need some support for a little bit tonight but I need to have that original thread I started earlier deleted. I emailed a moderator to ask them to do so. Are they around on weekends?

Okay I'm going to go outside and take the dog for a walk. And I've got my notebook here from DBT class.

Imagine a safe place, it says under this week's Distress Tolerance module, handout 2. I don't have a safe place. the only place I ever thought of as safe was in ex-T's office. Should I imagine that? Imagine that he's here talking to me?

[SallyBrown]

Oops, I just posted to your last thread. I hope you can still see it. I was thinking maybe it might help to leave your place for a while and go out? Some place where you're forced to stay calm? Sometimes pretending to be calm is calming.

But I'm sure you will find support here if you think that will help more.

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

I need some support for a little bit tonight but I need to have that original thread I started earlier deleted. I emailed a moderator to ask them to do so. Are they around on weekends?

I'll be here with you until I fall asleep (it's 2am here)! <3

Have you decided whether or not to call, or..? Maybe you could take a look online at the hotlines policies with regard to police intervention?

[unaluna]

not cuckoo, just a little excitable. so do you like always have a boyfriend? not really spent time in between alone?

I can't bear the thought that no one cares about me in the end. I cannt live with that reality.

No hanksyer I usually end relationships at the first sign of trouble. I don't want to settle. I deserve someone who treats me well. I just keep finding assholes who don't.

I can't even find a t who will stick with me and not abandon me. How pathetic is that??

[carly011]

i am struggling today also feeling like no one cares if you live or die is a horrible feeling.

I hope things get better for you! hang in there

[unaluna]

so it's like a philosophical existential dilemma? Or abandonment issues? cos I know my abandonment issues made me vulnerable to really crappy r/s cos I just did not have the emotional skill set at all to get myself something better, or even to recognize it when it was offered.

The last time there were people who cared about me. My T was there for me until after the hospital. Now he's not here at all. I'm not his patient. It wasn't his fault. He washed his hands of me.

I don't blame them. If your a T who wants to say I lost a patient to suicide??

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

The last time there were people who cared about me. My T was there for me until after the hospital. Now he's not here at all. I'm not his patient. It wasn't his fault. He washed his hands of me.

Mine did the same Lilly, I know how much it hurts!

Hang in there, you're doing just great! You're a lot stronger than you realise!

How do you call this doing great??? By what measure is this great?? I convinced everyone that the last SA was due to the meds. Now I don't have that excuse. I'm confronting some really horrible things about myself right now. I'm seeing myself for the first time and I hate that person. I'm terrified of her. I don't want to be here no matter what. I would rather die!

[SpiritRunner]

Lilly, you ARE cared about!
I've faced some pretty dark, ugly things about myself too. I looked into what I thought was a bottomless pit of ugly pathetic evilness in myself last summer and thought I didn't even deserve to exist .... so I've been there. I know how it feels. It's hard. I'm so sorry you are there.
But! This I've learned too ... no matter how imperfect and flawed I may be, I am still worthy of existing, I'm still worthy of being loved, I'm worthy of love and compassion, even and especially from myself! And so are you.
There's good in you too. I know that is hard to see when horrible stuff seems so much bigger and tries to elbow the good right out of the way so you can't even see it ... but it's there! I think of how you've offered me support, others support, even when you were hurting ... this is good, this is goodness in you.

[unaluna]

yeah well maybe you didn't "convince" as many people as you thought. so does that make you feel better or worse? to know that people DO know you and like and care about you anyway?

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

How do you call this doing great??? By what measure is this great?? I convinced everyone that the last SA was due to the meds. Now I don't have that excuse. I'm confronting some really horrible things about myself right now. I'm seeing myself for the first time and I hate that person. I'm terrified of her. I don't want to be here no matter what. I would rather die!

I didn't mean to offend you..

You're doing great - in my books - for the pure fact that you seem to be so self destructive right now, but (to our knowledge, at least) you haven't acted on any impulses. I know you don't see it this way, but that IS good. You are still in control. You are STILL here speaking through this huge crisis with us. You're not bottling it all up. That in itself is extremely positive, don't you think?

Keep going! I KNOW you'll make it out the other side of this eventually!

We're here, we DO honestly care! We wouldn't be with you otherwise, would we?

you didn't offend me Bashful, I was just pointing out that it wasn't true, what you were saying although I appreciate the thought and the intent. I know I'm not doing great right now. I know I'm just proving him right, my ex-T, that I can't handle my own emotions. I said it was because of the drugs but obviously it's not. I hate that he was ****ing right about me AND I hate that he left me because of it.

Also I have to admit that another reason I'm not doing great is 'cause I did do stuff. I'm trying not to do too much. But I'm using some of the bad coping skills at the same time I'm trying the good ones.

Thank you all for caring about it. I cried reading some of your posts. I'm really glad to have known and met you all. Thank you so much. I hope you know how much it means to me.

we will stay with you♥♥♥

I'm going to write a blog post ok?

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

I know I'm just proving him right, my ex-T, that I can't handle my own emotions. I said it was because of the drugs but obviously it's not. I hate that he was ****ing right about me AND I hate that he left me because of it.

Hey, hey, hey! As much as I often feel the same way (when I'm in a real state), HE'S the one who couldn't handle things! He was the therapist in all this, he should've been there for you and handled himself a lot better, not ditched you! I truly hope he feels disgusted with himself.. Heck, perhaps he's married to my old T - it wouldn't surprise me!

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

Also I have to admit that another reason I'm not doing great is 'cause I did do stuff. I'm trying not to do too much. But I'm using some of the bad coping skills at the same time I'm trying the good ones.

Aw, big hugs! <3 I know you're doing the best you can do right now, I don't doubt it for a second! Go easy on yourself, if at all possible.. it's so easy to slip back into bad habits in stressful situations (says the girl who has slipped back into her eating disordered behaviours again - I'm there with you). Tell me you haven't hurt yourself too badly though?

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

I'm going to write a blog post ok?

Go for it - maybe it will help?!

PS. If I suddenly disappear, it'll be because my MacBook died (and I can't go downstairs at 3am to get the charger without waking everyone). I'll still be thinking of you though, and I'll come back to check how you're doing as soon as I can! <3 <3 <3

[SallyBrown]

Sigh, Lilly, I'm glad you feel that some of his is helping, but I think you're sabotaging yourself by shooting down some of the people who are trying to help you. I'm pretty sure we all understand the state you're in now so it's not a big deal, but I'm worried about whether it's good for YOU.

If you must know, I suggested a mani pedi because you said your fiancé had lunch plans, for which he left at 4:30ish my time in Boston, which made me think you're on the west coast. When I made my post it was well before 7pm PDT, and at that time where I am, you can still get to the mall for a pedi on a Sunday night. But I don't know where you are or even whether you like getting your nails done, so I also suggested the movies or anywhere in public where you can't go nuts.

I'm worried that your jumps to criticize are indiciative of your feeling defeated and hopeless now, by focusing on what you CAN'T do. It is NOT hopeless. It sucks now and as a self harmer I know you must feel like it's all falling apart and meaningless. But this feeling has passed before and it will pass again. Just hang on. It's ok that you did stuff, we all slip.

Please take care of yourself. It's going to be ok. You're going to be ok.

Ok I did it. I put it out there. I posted it. Not even Backup T knows about that. I never told him.

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

you didn't offend me Bashful, I was just pointing out that it wasn't true, what you were saying although I appreciate the thought and the intent. I know I'm not doing great right now. I know I'm just proving him right, my ex-T, that I can't handle my own emotions. I said it was because of the drugs but obviously it's not. I hate that he was ****ing right about me AND I hate that he left me because of it.

Also I have to admit that another reason I'm not doing great is 'cause I did do stuff. I'm trying not to do too much. But I'm using some of the bad coping skills at the same time I'm trying the good ones.

Thank you all for caring about it. I cried reading some of your posts. I'm really glad to have known and met you all. Thank you so much. I hope you know how much it means to me.

I'll sit with you. Just because you used some bad coping skills, doesn't mean it's all gone to crap. Speaking for myself, I know how many bad coping skills I've used, I'm still here, and still fighting. We are all here for you...you know why?? Cause you're worth it.

I'm sorry Sally. I didn't mean to criticize even though yeah it really sounded like it didn't it? I guess I have been doing what you said though (shooting people down). I'm trying not to. I am taking advice here. I did the ice cube thing. I did go outside and take the dog for a walk. I sat on the front steps of the building for awhile and looked at the night sky and the people walking by. I tried breathing. I am trying. Really really really.