[Silent_tsol]

Isn't it interesting how one post can get you thinking and then spur a new post or give you the courage to post one you've been trying for a while?
So here I go trying to do just that.
Early in t, t caught evidence of my si. I made a sarcastic comment tip try to downplay it (it's not the "normal" si so I minimize it the best I can). When she saw, she asked if it hurt and I inserted my diversion comment to imply I it doesn't. I'm sure she probably knew that want the truth but I feel so icky knowing I lied about it. How is she supposed to help if I lie to her? I've wanted to tell her so many times but I'm afraid to bring it up. And maybe afraid that she'll hate me. And maybe afraid that she won't want to schedule anymore appointments.
I'm soooo anxious just thinking about trying to tell her. Maybe having you guys know will help me take that step in confessing to t

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for taking the plunge and posting this!!

If you try to realize that this is wonderful learning material to be used in therapy, and that T may very well be quite pleased that you bring it up, it may make the shame easier to tolerate. It's still incredibly difficult.

I'd imagine that the lie came from your resistance to being totally honest....which is perfectly understandable - especially early in a relationship with T - because it's difficult to be so vulnerable. Being willing to explore the fears is a huge step in a valuable direction...

Like you said, I suspect she completely realizes the truth of the situation, and I'm guessing she doesn't see it as lying so much as avoidance or self-protection. I doubt very highly that she would be at all surprised by "the truth" from you.

[Mike_J]

I used to worry about telling my therapist about my SI, we sort of danced around the topic often, I finally opened up and became completely honest when she told me that she wouldn't stop seeing me just for SI (huge fear). Not having to lie to her about it has made controlling it much easier.

[carly011]

Tell her. She probably already knows, and she probably wont be surprised. But she will be happy you told her instead of someone else or her dragging it out. I didn't tell my T about my cutting at first, which made it difficult later because i wanted to tell but didnt know how. but my mom ended up telling her a few months in. Of course this made me defensive and angry so i denied it and then refused to talk. She almost called the cops and sent me to the hospital for that one. My T told me Take control of the situation and be the one to her. That way you arent caught off guard and become defensive good luck!!

[critterlady]

One thing I've found that helps me a lot when I'm struggling to tell T something is to tell him I'm struggling. We talk about what's making it difficult without talking about what it is exactly. He almost always pinpoints exactly why I'm finding it hard to talk about and we work on the reason for a bit. Once we've done that, it's almost anti-climactic to actually tell him the original thing.

For example, if I have something I'm ashamed of that I need to tell him, I'll say "I need to tell you something, but I feel a lot of shame around it and it's very hard." We talk about how shame is fear of another person's reaction and he reminds me that he won't ever judge me for anything I tell him. It makes it easier to tell him the thing I'm ashamed of.

Maybe that can work for you, too. Tell her you want to tell her something, but you're very anxious about doing that.

[lostmyway21]

I remember a time when I lied to T about two things. One was SI. It totally ate at me for weeks. I sat down one session and blurted out I lied to you about two things. He looked at me, and asked what about? I told him...the reasons were obvious so he didnt even ask why. I cleared my mind and T was warm and receptive like always. Good luck!!!

[skeksi]

My T has never been mad when I admitted I lied. He always understood the magnitude of the shame that kept me from sharing and he welcomed the truth s he could help me address the issue.

Good luck. Being truthful feels quite freeing, when you have a safe relationship in which to do it -- like T.

[Honeybun]

I didn't disclose my SI for a couple years. When I finally did I prefaced it by saying to T "I need to tell you something but am afraid you won't want to work with me anymore". He was very reassuring and when I did tell he said he suspected. He didn't make a big deal then and still doesn't. He accepts it for what it is, a coping mechanism that hopefully can be changed. Somehow we just know when it is time to disclose.

[sconnie892]

TRIGGER FOR SI...

Silent - thank you for taking a brave leap and posting this. I have a bit of a lie of omission with t right now and it's weighting heavily on me. I told t about my si from 20 years ago and that those urges were back and that when I had si'd 20 years ago it really was just a plea for attention.

Well a month after that session I hit a really rough patch and did some cutting but discovered now it was not for attention but to feel anything but the emotional pain. Now I don't want to tell t because we talked about how it was me wanting attention from her. I've been thinking that I need to tell t though...your post gives me courage.

[Silent_tsol]

Thank you everyone for replying. I feel dizzy and nauseous just thinking about telling her. But I think I have to because it's been weighing on me for months. But I want to cry just thinking about it. I feel like a bad person for lying even if she does know the truth. It really was a silly lie. Like saying "holding this ice cube doesn't feel cold". I just hate that I created this conundrum

[WikidPissah]

hey silent....it is difficult to lie to your T. I haven't admitted to my su thoughts even though he has asked me point blank several times.
Sure, it is probably good to eventually tell, but it is no big shameful thing that you decided you didn't want to talk about it. What we say/don't say is our decision, our choice.

Originally Posted by Silent_tsol

Thank you everyone for replying. I feel dizzy and nauseous just thinking about telling her. But I think I have to because it's been weighing on me for months. But I want to cry just thinking about it. I feel like a bad person for lying even if she does know the truth. It really was a silly lie. Like saying "holding this ice cube doesn't feel cold". I just hate that I created this conundrum

I don't see it as a lie at all but rather as self-protection. There are PLENTY of reasons to not admit to SI / thoughts. Especially to a trained professional that is sitting 3 feet away.

Since it has been bothering you so much, perhaps you can broach the subject in a way that it's comfortable for you...baby steps. You'll probably end up blurting it out, feeling embarrassed and then your T will surprise you with a (great) response

You are NOT a bad person, btw. But I know what you mean. You have a good heart. We all have rough go's of it at times.

(A few years back, I got pulled over for an late tag on my car. I burst out into tears when the cop talked to me. I told him I felt like a bad citizen ... he tried not to laugh and he consoled me and gave me a fix it ticket. he said "we all go through rough patches ... this is just a fix it ticket. get it done as soon as you can" )