[karebear1]

You can do it (((Allein))).

[nicoleb2]

Not doing so well today. Still having suicidal thoughts, no plans at this point, but the thoughts are getting worse. I should call and talk to my t, but I am afraid she will want me to go to the hospital, and I am NOT going to do that on my birthday

Aching from hours of riding my horse. Aching even more from falling off it. Add to that how under the weather I've been feeling for the past few days - sore throat, hacking cough, etc... and add to that a major life-altering realisation after so so many years in deep deep denial...

Oh I'm feeling just super!

[SoupDragon]

I am trying to establish how I feel today - T really messed my head up yesterday - it had been going so well, T had told me a couple of weeks ago how it was good to see me laugh sometimes, so yesterday I tried to snap out of things and to be more upbeat - talk about a red rag to a bull - then T took a chance and dug deep, stirring up all sorts - ouch!!!!

At first I thought T was just being clumsy in forgetting the things T was saying were things that T knew I had real difficulties with - but then I started to think it was more intentional, maybe trying to get me to talk about these things as T may have noticed I was more robust than I had been.

So now I don't know whether I am numb, whether I just don't care about those things and whether I am going to feel terrified going to next session after what was said yesterday.

My rational head is telling me it is OK - T knows what they are doing and maybe it is the right thing to discuss this stuff.

The ironic thing is that I had planned to go yesterday and tell T that one of these things, I never ever wanted to talk about and that was the very same thing that T "accidently" kept fishing around for. In the end I told T what I had planned to say and T said could we agree to discuss my reasons for wanting to say that next week - yes I know what you are doing T and I have my guards well placed.

My T said I was different today, that I seem to have matured, 'grown up'... she said even my voice had changed. She also told me she'd be upset with me if I ever apologised to anyone for who I am...

She's good.

It's been a busy day. My sister comes in tomorrow to visit for a few days. She's currently in San Antonio at the Texas Bandmasters Association Convention, so since she's about halfway here from the valley she thought she'd come up for a few days. The boys are so exciting to see her; it's been awhile. In fact, our sister Kathy's funeral may very well have been the last time we were together. Sandy is a church organist, among other things, so she doesn't get away from home very often. So, I had the boys cleaning the bathroom and their bedroom today so she won't be too completely grossed out.

We spent a few hours at the pool this afternoon. Then my youngest son and I made the menu for the next few days, and my middle son and I did the grocery shopping. I'm pooped.

I suppose I should think about actually eating something today. I knew I was forgetting something.

[healed84]

In the last two weeks or so, I have been feeling really down again. I was trying everything I could to not give into it, getting on my bike, going out a doing stuff, talking to people. Just not working. Then Friday and Saturday nights I had terrible nightmares that spurred panic attacks as soon as I woke from them. Now, I can feel the anxiety rising up in me. The celexa was working so well, I am not sure why I am back here again.

My sister has been here since Thursday evening. Mostly it has been okay, but she has said some things that just make it clear to me she still just doesn't get it. Good fodder for my session with T on Tuesday.

We saw "Bernie" yesterday which I highly recommend to anyone from Texas. I'm not sure non-Texans will "get" the humor of the movie. We sat their just nearly falling out of our seats laughing through the movie because the portrayal of small town Texans is actually spot on. I kept thinking "I know these people. Hell, I'm related to these people!" I spent my college years in deep East Texas and this movie was just too funny (in a very dark way).

I'm melting! I'm melting! 107 today with heat index of 112. Tomorrow the temp will be 109 and the heat index will probably be around 115. This is where the air conditioner struggles to keep up and it's not really terribly comfortable indoors either. We've been very lucky this summer thus far compared to last year, but I hate this heat. It's just draining. I guess I shouldn't complain. My son spent 4 hours marching on a parking lot this morning. Could be worse.

Tomorrow I see my pdoc. Should be an interesting visit as we'll be discussing reducing meds. I know he is very wary of messing with them, but now is the time to give it a shot.

Ugh! I swear I'm earning my sainthood. My son has a friend who has a horrendous homelife. A few months ago his mother had a heart attack and he was left on his own without anyone taking care of him, so we took him in for about a week. Getting someone in his family to take responsibility for him was next to impossible. I was afraid we were going to have to take him to raise.

Well, tonight he calls. His mother has gone into physical rehab (she has a variety of physical ailments but I'm not sure exactly what is going on this time). Clearly she new this was happening ahead of time. This isn't an emergency apparently like the last time. But no. She left him on his own. He has no place to stay once again. He'll be arriving here momentarily. I told him he can stay here ONE night. I have no intention to get immersed in his family chaos, and I suspect that would happen if I don't set some very firm boundaries on this. His mother hasn't called me to ask if we mind doing this for her. As far as I can see, she has basically abandoned this minor child.

If it looks like he can't find proper adult supervision, preferably a relative, by about noon tomorrow, I am going to have to call CPS about this situation. This mother has left this 16-year-old boy completely unsupervised, she has not provided for his care. She, as far as I can see, has abandoned him. I'll try to get ahold of her first so she can take care of the situation without that kind of intervention having to happen, but he is her son and she has to deal with this.

I explained all this to my son. I like this kid, but I am not willing to take him to raise and will not get entangled in this situation. My son isn't even around now much at all because he is deeply involved in band camp, so it isn't like he'll be around to entertain his friend. I have to give my son credit. When I said I might need to call in CPS, he said "That might be the best thing for him at this point." Even my son realizes his friend's problems are way beyond normal and way beyond what we can do to realistically help.

So, deep breaths I guess. Tomorrow may be a trying day.

Something happened this week that triggered me badly, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm unloved, unwanted, and fundamentally flawed. I feel like if I disappeared it wouldn't even matter - because I don't matter...

I deleted basically everything - my facebook, everything - everywhere except here. I almost deleted here, too. I know it's probably 'distorted thinking' and all but... I guess it's that old defense of rejecting eveybody before they reject me - like everybody always seems to...

I've even had thoughts of quitting T. Not because I actually think she doesn't care, but because I kind of wanted to just let her off the hook. But then I know she's earned the right for me to have more faith in her than that. And I do. I feel like to quit now would be insulting to her, our relationship, and the work we've done together.

It's a good job I have a good T, isn't it? Otherwise rational thinking just might not happen...

I could really use some hugs though. Please.

[healed84]

Panic attacks suck!!!!! Especially after them being controlled for the last two months and I was finally back go being myself. It sucks even more that I have be trying to get in contact with my T, but he has not called me back in the past week. In a desperate measure I sent him an e-mail to the address that is on the back of his appointment cards. We have never talked about using e-mail before, but I thought I would just reach out and try. If it was unacceptable I will take it b/c in my opinion the amount of time that has been between me contacting him and having to wait to hear back from him is totally unacceptable!!!!

I am on the max dose of my celexa, so at this point I am thinking about going back to my doctor and asking for a med change, which I really don't want to do, but I need some relief since I am going back to work this fall for the first time in 4 years and I need to be able to function!!!

[nicoleb2]

Came home from almost a week in the hospital today. Feeling like I have some hope again

Saw my pdoc today and he is reducing my meds and we'll see how it goes. He's such a good listener and is supportive of trying this even though he's concerned I will cycle back into depression again. We won't know until we try. So he wants to see me in a month to see how I'm doing.

My son's friend didn't come when he said he would. I had my son text him that he had 30 more minutes to get to our house (this was at 10:30pm and we all needed to go to bed) or he would have to find other arrangements. At 11pm he still had not come or even replied to my son, so we locked the door and went to bed. I feel badly for his situation, but I have to set boundaries with him or he will take advantage of all of us. Sad situation though.

My biopsy and needle aspiration will be Sept. 7. I have to wait until Sept. when our annual medical account kicks in again; we don't have the money to pay that kind of bill out of pocket this month with getting the kids ready for school and all. This is gong to take about 5 hours to do both procedures. Yuck. My sister has warned me that the biopsy is very painful because they really only numb the surface and the position you have to stay in for so long is really uncomfortable. They said they will be giving me good drugs before they begin, so hopefully that will help. It's a long way off though.

Thanks for the hugs!

I'm feeling somewhat better after session today, even if T did see me in rant mode! (Not quite full-on rant mode, ie; some swearing, no f-bombs... and not quite as exuberant as the unedited version dad got yesterday) She was like "I've not seen you like this before!" Of course not, it's hardly a side of me I like to show! I want/try to be all mature and stoic - I told her this. She's the eternal optimist though, and sees the positive side of everything - so instead of being disappointed with me for not being all 'zen' about everything, she told me she was glad that I'm being more true to myself, that I'm in my 'adult', and that I'm finally standing up for myself. She says she's seen a marked difference in me the last couple of weeks.

And bless her for taking me seriously whilst I'm spouting such ridiculous things - and reassuring me that they're not so ridiculous... I mean... yeah. Just... yeah.

[rosesarered]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Something happened this week that triggered me badly, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm unloved, unwanted, and fundamentally flawed. I feel like if I disappeared it wouldn't even matter - because I don't matter...

I deleted basically everything - my facebook, everything - everywhere except here. I almost deleted here, too. I know it's probably 'distorted thinking' and all but... I guess it's that old defense of rejecting eveybody before they reject me - like everybody always seems to...

I've even had thoughts of quitting T. Not because I actually think she doesn't care, but because I kind of wanted to just let her off the hook. But then I know she's earned the right for me to have more faith in her than that. And I do. I feel like to quit now would be insulting to her, our relationship, and the work we've done together.

It's a good job I have a good T, isn't it? Otherwise rational thinking just might not happen...

I could really use some hugs though. Please.

You aren't unwanted.
Don't give up. You can do it. We're all here for you.

[rosesarered]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Came home from almost a week in the hospital today. Feeling like I have some hope again

That is great! Glad you got the help you needed.
Keep on keepin on!

[rosesarered]

Originally Posted by healed84

....but I need some relief since I am going back to work this fall for the first time in 4 years and I need to be able to function!!!

I feel you there! I've been trying to get my meds right since January.
For me it's school I need to be able to function for.
I hope your situation gets resolved soon and that you feel better

My parents came in yesterday to attend the memorial service for our dear family friend you passed away about 2 weeks ago. It was this morning. It was a very nice service with a much larger attendance than the family was expecting; they kept having to bring in more chairs. But he was such a special man who made sure to be a friend to everyone he met. He is missed. I cried a lot at the funeral; I hadn't up to this point, so I wasn't really surprised that I did.

Came home to a jury summons in my mailbox. Yuck. For some reason no one else in my family gets jury summons, but I get called up almost every year. They had me scheduled for the week of labor day, but since I'm having my biopsy that week, I rescheduled the jury duty for a few weeks later. I don't mind jury duty so much except in our county they will send you off to one of several satellite courts around the county, and it's a large county. I hope I don't pull that short straw.

Tonight we're having tacos and Dad is making his luscious guacamole. Mmmm. Can't wait. It is nice to have them up here, even if they are having to leave so quicky on Monday morning. But they just came home from a 2 week trip to New York, so they are ready to be home. I understand that.

[nicoleb2]

I'm struggling a bit today, but trying to stay hopeful. I knew when I came home that sooner or later, I was going to feel icky again before the new meds fully kick in, but it still sucks

[WePow]

We are still alive.... yippie! seriously, it is a miracle. We did a lot of work and on Friday I saw my darkest secret.... and T did too... and he stlll liked me.

[rainbow8]

Nice to see you, WePow! I always miss you when you aren't around. Of course T is still going to like you no matter what you tell him!

Feeling super loney and sad tonight

Did I mean super looney or super lonely....hmmm....

just a little bump of this thread for those who still use it.

My oldest son's fiancee is going to move in with us. Her homelife has become pretty unbearable and unhealthy. She's been living with her father, but he's acquired a girlfriend and has essentially moved into his girlfriend's house. He has stopped taking care of their home which is pretty old and has become infested with rats. He refuses to have the place exterminated. They are dying in the attic and the place now smells of dead rats.

She is also estranged from her mother. She and her mom have never been close. Her mom has bipolar disorder, but it isn't well-controlled. Rachel picked up her mom at the airport the other night and her mom proceeded to go into a verbally abuse tirade. Rachel literally stopped at a fast food restaurant and asked her mom to get out of the car in order to get away from further verbal abuse.

So she's pretty much been abandoned by both of her parents at this point and her house is unliveable. Kyle came to us last night as asked if she could move in long enough to get things back in line and they're working towards an apartment hopefully around the first of the year. We just told Rachel that she's family here and always welcome. She's a bit overwhelmed and confused about why her dad is being this way. This is the least we can do; hopefully we can provide some semblance of security and home for her.

So, she and Kyle are going to work on moving her clothes and a few other things over here today. The two others boys are working on clearing a closet for her and cleaning up their room so we can move around some beds and furniture. Should be a busy day around here.

This is my last week of summer. Actually I report back to school officially on Friday. We got an email saying the construction company has cleared us to get our keys on Thursday, so I suppose I'll get up there and start unpacking all my stuff and get my room physically arranged (we have all new furniture so I get to re-think where to put everything.) I'm not yet in back-to-school mode, but I'm sure it will kick in once I'm back up at school. Can't wait to see the new building.

My mood continues to be really steady and sleep is good. I haven't scheduled an appointment with T yet. He said he'd like me to come in after school gets rolling, so I guess I'll set something in September. I never think about it at the right time to call; not particularly an urgent need these days.