[agma]

I go back to work tomorrow after being off for 3 weeks due to a hospitalization. I am so nervous to go back since my coworkers don't know why I disappeared. Also afraid to see how much work piled up while I have been off. Hopefully I sleep better tonight than I did last night.

[kaliope]

i had problems sleeping too last night. i am really stessing over a work issue and how i am going to handle it. i am totally prepared, yet scared to death, totally catastrophizing that everything is going to go wrong and it is going to bring down every aspect of my life and hurt my employer and others i work with on the side as well. it really isnt a big deal, i have anticipated every glitch and i have strong answers for all of them so i dont know why i cant relax and stop obsessing.

Ugh! Nothing like reading 60 rhetorical analysis essays over "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" to fry my brain on a Tuesday night. I think my eyes are permanently crossed. T's parting words to me yesterday were to please not do any marathon grading sessions, so what do I do tonight . . . .? Not much choice though. Grades have to be exported Monday, but since I have jury duty on Monday, my deadline is Friday afternoon. I have to say though; it looks like a have some really good writers this semester. I mean REALLY good. Something to look forward to.

Time for a quick look around PC, and then I'm off to bed. It's been a long day.

[Nelliecat]

I havn't been here for a long time so it seems odd that I'm here to say I'm taking a PC break. I'm feeling really lost and in the middle of something I have to work out and understand to be able to move on.

I want to say I sure I won't be missed but I also know that's my feeling and another thing I need to work on.

Keep well everyone and take care.

When I was 5, I was brutally abused physically, emotionally, and sexually by a couple I was living with while my sister was being treated for cancer in Houston. My parents thought they were doing the right thing leaving me with this family; their daughter and I were best friends. Tonight I received a message from their daughter that the mother died on Tuesday; the father had died a few years back. Writing a reply of condolence and calling my parents to let them know of her death (they have no idea what happened to me) has really tested me tonight. Lots of memory flooding and anxiety. I know it will pass, but right now it completely sucks. I'll try to call T tomorrow if this hasn't eased up a bit. I'm sure it will, but something about knowing they are BOTH gone is hitting me hard tonight. Think I'll head to bed and try to just sleep off the anxiety tonight.

[kaliope]

((((((farmergirl))))))))))) somehow a clicked hug wasnt enough of a response. i hope t gets back to you. feel free to pm me if you need to chat, blow off steam, anything. just dont feel alone, ok?

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Ugh! Nothing like reading 60 rhetorical analysis essays over "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" to fry my brain on a Tuesday night.

I left school early without any qualifications. I'm having to write my first rhetorical analysis (for my degree) at the moment. It's a bit of a struggle to wrap my brain around. I've done so well in all my subjects despite how hard it's been for me, but I'm not so confident about this paper!

...and sorry to hear about the anxiety. An understandable reaction to a tough situation.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

I
I want to say I sure I won't be missed

Not true

Originally Posted by farmergirl

When I was 5, I was brutally abused physically, emotionally, and sexually by a couple I was living with while my sister was being treated for cancer in Houston. My parents thought they were doing the right thing leaving me with this family; their daughter and I were best friends. Tonight I received a message from their daughter that the mother died on Tuesday; the father had died a few years back. Writing a reply of condolence and calling my parents to let them know of her death (they have no idea what happened to me) has really tested me tonight. Lots of memory flooding and anxiety. I know it will pass, but right now it completely sucks. I'll try to call T tomorrow if this hasn't eased up a bit. I'm sure it will, but something about knowing they are BOTH gone is hitting me hard tonight. Think I'll head to bed and try to just sleep off the anxiety tonight.

Hey Chris, I was just reading this now. Hope the memory flooding and anxiety have passed or that you have been able to talk to your T. I'll be thinking of you.

[WePow]

job is moving all the desks after ten years being in same place and dumb T is also getting rid of his couch , going to his daughter who needs one, and got lawn furnature for clients. they ate nice and blah blah blah and work must change but I want to vanish totally and hate humanity right now

[karebear1]

Geesh WePow! My T has moved 3 times since I've been with her, but this last time still ahs me feeling so uncomfortable- and it's because of the stupid chairs she has in the office for us to us. I hate them. I don't feel comfortable at all and it really tends to shut me down for a while. Who'd thought changing a chair would do that?? I hope you can adjust faster and better than I have - I totally understand you anx. about it though.

[SoupDragon]

Things were going well, I had told myself to stop e-maliing T and haven't done so for 6 weeks yeah!

So I guess T thought it was about time to go and start digging and BANG!!! my head has collpased. It felt like I had managed to neatly pile everything and although wobbly at times, could maintain it and function so much better. My anxiety had dropped right off and even the thoughts were less irrational.

But today I feel a mess. My anxiety is sky high, I want to e-mail T to say I quit or to say I am feeling overwhelmed, but I can't do either as I have promised myself that I will not be dependent on him and refuse to allow myself to e-mail.

I just really don't see how I can do this therapy thing anymore, it is too hard, too painful, to terifying. Maybe stacking my boxes in my head into a wobbly pile was as good as I was going to get and maybe I would rather that than be thrown back into this horrible place I find myself in today.

And damn it for my less than perfect coping strategies to come to revisit me.

It has been a difficult few days. Taking a few days away from PC was helpful; I didn't need the grief I was getting. Hopefully they got it out of their system.

I finally got my biopsy results back and there was no malignancy. I expected that would be the case, but the not knowing was really wearing on me. I go back for repeat testing in 3 months; just a CYA thing for the hospital's lawyers.

My T called me today. He kind of knew I'd be stressed about the test results and wanted to check on me. I also filled him in on the death of one of my abusers last week that has sent me reeling a bit. He has such a way at calming my anxieties. I do feel a bit better tonight. He told me not to rush myself. This is a very significant event and may take some time to get beyond.

It was a long day of jury duty today. I, of course, was randomly picked for the jury pool again, so it was an all day affair. Juror number 12 was sitting directly to my right, so I just barely dodged the bullet. This was going to be a full week trial, so I am SO glad I wasn't picked. Missing a full week of teaching would not be cool.

[kaliope]

glad for the good news farmer girl. it is nice to read you have a t that is so good at calming your anxieties. i have a great t. he took me from a basket case out of the hospital to this totally high functioning individual. but i go to him with stuff that really concerns me, that creates tons of anxiety for me, and nothing. i dont bother calling him. i dont have his email. two sessions ago i went in there and he asked me how it was going and there were some things i was really distressed about but i told him there was no sense talking to him about them because he was just going to minimize them. his response was that that was a good observation on my part. he normalizes everything i do, so i often wonder why he keeps scheduling appts. just once i wish he would take a more empathetic caring softer approach.

It was a crazy night at the football game. Our 13-year-old tripped coming up the bleachers and fell, landing HARD on the steps. His shin swoll up and turned purple immediately, so they called the paramedics to take a look because he couldn't put any weight on his leg. We think it is just really badly bruised, so we opted to bring him home and see how things go before we decide whether to take him in for x-rays.

It was a lousy football game anyway. Homecoming, but we lost badly. The running joke is our football team is 0-5, but the band is 5-0. The band looks amazing! They are actually marching to Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D minor and other Bach selections. Insanely difficult music to play sitting still on a stage; ridiculously complex to play while marching. They are a wonder to behold; so glad my kids have had the privilege to march in this band.

I've had a really difficult 10 days or so. Work is just really overwhelming this year; can't stay caught up and can't figure out why things feel so different this year. I'm not the only teacher saying that, but we haven't figured out what is complicating things for us. But it is a brand new building, a brand new principal, a brand new scheduling system. We just are having a hard time settling into all the brand new I think. Feeling very stressed though and doing much too much work at home in the evenings (something I've always tried very hard not to do to myself).

Fortunately I have an appointment with T on Monday. Too much life hitting me all at once all of the sudden. He'll help me get it straightened out. My husband has a pdoc appointment on Monday too at the same time in the same office, so we'll get to carpool to our appointed psych appointments.

Robyn Roberts had her bone marrow transplant this week. It is hard to watch the coverage about it and the interviews with her as this is exactly the same process my sister went through a couple of years ago. My sister didn't make it. I hope and pray it goes smoother for Ms. Roberts, but watching the coverage is difficult for everyone in the family. We know too much about how difficult this process is and how many things can go so terribly wrong. It is a very fragile process.

[kaliope]

my anxiety is getting a workout. my daugther is visiting with her husband and my grandson. they are staying with me in my one bedroom apt and i am letting them have my room and i am sleeping on the couch. they get up really early while i usually sleep in late. im used to being alone and agoraphobic and we are traveling to see the sites everyday. tons of memories are being relived of the years i struggled raising her, the horrific marraige, the abusive relationship. by the time they go to bed at night i can barely breathe. only three more days and then of course i will miss them. actually only two as i am in training on monday and will only see them monday eve. my insides hurt.

[alone in the world]

Trying hard to break the bond with my T but it is hard. Need to know I am capable to handle things on my own as one day I will have to. It has been aroller coaster day with my mood and I figure this will be agood way to release some of the insecuerities I have. Been so alone for so long and hating myself for not being there for my kids because I often need to isolate and leave my 13yo to care for her self. Not feeling very good about myself and my purpose these days. need my T and may have to break down and call.

[Miswimmy1]

had a session today. i felt like it wasnt a great one. i dont know. i feel like i am not making as much progress as i could be, but then i also dont want to push myself because it hurts too much. i know that therapy is supposed hurt and the work isnt easy, but i cant bring myself to hurt again. it feels safe where i am now, and i am scared of being vulnerable.

[nicoleb2]

Saw my t today. Talked about some anger stuff, and she wants me to try to "feel the anger" instead of pushing it away.
I don't want to feel it. I don't like anger. I am afraid it will be followed by rage and me yelling and freaking out and I don't want that to happen. I am having major SI urges because of this

For the first time since school began the last week in August, I have absolutely no ungraded papers sitting on my desk at school. Of course, my AP students are writing an essay in class tomorrow so my happy dance won't last very long, but I'll enjoy it for the moment. Work has been really overwhelming so far this year.

I think I'm coming down with the cold that two of my three sons have had over the last couple of weeks. Yuck. It is going to make the next couple of days a bit miserable. Tomorrow evening is the BAND BLAST where the band will perform their show for parents and feeder school students. No football game this week. And Saturday is the first marching competition which will mean 12 hours or so sitting in a stadium getting fried by the sun. Maybe we'll forego prelim competition and just go to finals: that will cut down the time to about 6 hours. Love watching the bands, but hate sitting in the sun.

Last night was so hard... Its the first Thursday night since I quit therapy that I didn't have something scheduled to do... I went looking at a car to buy and drove past his office.... I was caught off guard by how sad it made me. I'm so miserable.

[kaliope]

Im a bit thrown off and trying not to spin out. My daughter was here with her husband and my grandson for a week and stayed with me in my small apt. I gave up my room for them. My home was in complete disorder, well still is since they left as i have been working late all week and havent been able to put it back together. I was pulled way out of my comfort zone and triggered by the past. T wasnt helpful in reoriented me and makes me question whether i should continue seeing him as he minimizes many of my concerns about myself. With my agoraphobia and anxiety I do many things that arent normal to protect myself to reduce my anxiety so i can function, but since i am high functioning he seems to think these things are ok. I dont. Normal people dont live like this. I want to live a normal life. I shouldnt have to go without things like milk and bread for weeks, just because I make due with other things doesnt make it ok. I should be able to go to restuarants, just because I dont have to to live doesnt make it ok. I am frustrated that he doesnt understand I want to do more than just cope to get by and function.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

My T has made me lover her even more by letting me sleep on her couch when I was sick. She gave me a blanket, tucked me and and left me to pretend she was my mother so I could rest up before a long drive.

Yeah, I'm officially sick now. Yuck. I feel like death warmed over.

Last night was the band preview show. Pure awesomeness as always. Show still needs a lot of tidying up and is only 3/4 complete at this point, but by the end of contest season this first week in November, they will be a band to contend with. They have their first competition today. I have no idea how they'll do. They'll certainly be in the top 3, but I'm not certain they'll win; show is still a little "dirty" which is normal this time of year. Of course, I was saying that last year before their first contest and they won it, so who knows? We've decided not to try to go. I'm not feeling well and it is supposed to rain off and on all day. Txbands.com is running a live blog during the contest, so I'll just watch that. They'll be competing every weekend from here on out, so we'll catch them next time.

My sister had to have her dachshund put to sleep this week. He had lost the use of his back legs and after several weeks wasn't improving at all. She's devastated; she's such a good pet parent. So I changed my avatar to one about our own dog which is a Scottish Terrier named Lola. She runs this house; great dog.

[Miswimmy1]

today went well