[nicoleb2]

I just realized I forgot to take all of my morning meds. I have been feeling really teary since yesterday. Have been just allowing the feelings to be there, so it really hasn't gotten worse, but now I am starting to have major anxiety

I'm here, but my mind isn't...

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Came home to a jury summons in my mailbox. Yuck. For some reason no one else in my family gets jury summons, but I get called up almost every year.

Am I the only one who WANTS to be called for jury duty? It seems like everyone complains about it, or tries to dodge it, and I wish I could volunteer! I got a summons once but the way it works in my county is that you have to call them every morning at 8am M-F, and an automated system tells you whether or not to drive in to the courthouse that week. It's like being on call. When it was my week, they didn't need me to come in. I was crushed. It was even during the summer, when I didn't have to teach and I didn't have an editing/writing job.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Am I the only one who WANTS to be called for jury duty?

The problem in our county is that you report at the county seat, but then they may send you out to one of a number of courts throughout the county, and it's a big county. It is a lot of driving, a lot of gas money, a lot of time, and I'd much rather be at work with my students. I have no idea what people do who don't have their own transportation because lack of transportation is not a exclusion.

I'm exhausted. My son and I went up to my classroom today to put it physically together. We actually pretty much got it done. He was such a huge help. He's going to go back with me tomorrow and volunteer to help other teachers in their classrooms. Pretty much everyone is moving into a brand new classroom, so it is crazy up there right now. Lots of students have come in to assist which is so helpful. Tomorrow I should be able to focus on lesson plans.

The new building looks fantastic, and it is no long over a quarter of a mile from the front to the back of the building. Woohoo! You can still walk yourself to death as we are now a three story building, but it isn't so spread out anymore.

[pbutton]

I got called for jury duty when I was still in high school. That's what I get for putting down my part-time job as my job title instead of "high school student".

[SoupDragon]

Ahhhhh!!!! I hate my family and ex family tonight. I have been doing so well and then they have to do stuff to make me crash again - I was so angry at them, then realised actually it was because I was incredibly hurt. It doesn't take much to make all that bad stuff return - damn it! I hate this place in my head.

[SoupDragon]

So T has highlighted now I am not "bad" which it seems is what I grew up believing. I shared some stuff with T tonight that I hadn't shared before and I know T looked at me differently when I said it - the thing itself isn't bad as such, but I think it shocked / surprised T.

Now I think that T thinks I don't really need help and I should be able to sail through life - but although I may understand so much in my head and be able to support others IRL, I have no feelings or needs of my own, not really.

I feel that I have damaged my relationship with T and there I go feeling bad about myself, hating myself. I can't have a relationship with anyone without ruining it.

My dad lies buried in a grave - a double grave with room for my mum. I suddenly realised that when I die I have no-one to share a grave with, an eternity on my own, how damn sad it that!!!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Now I think that T thinks I don't really need help and I should be able to sail through life

[Speaking as someone who thinks this way ALL THE FREAKING TIME]

I'm certain that you're not allowed to decide that your T thinks that way unless T specificially SAYS that very sentence to you.

I've been back to work the last few days and it is keeping me really worn out. Just found out about an hour ago they are giving me another AP English 3 class because the teacher who it was scheduled for is out on maternity leave; we can't have a sub teaching AP classes. I'm not complaining; it will make my life more pleasant as school. Just means back to the copy machine for me because I hadn't accounted for the extra class when I was prepping. Oh well. More bonding with the copy machine for me.

I have been incredibily triggered by the idiot senator's comments about "legitimate" rape this week. I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, of course, the obvious. But for some reason this is really feeling like salt in the wound. Really just makes me ill.

[Nightlight]

I saw T2 today, by chance. The last time I saw her was one of those horrible termination appointments. I was barely able to speak during that. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's so sad to have to do something that painful because of finances. I saw her today, but she didn't see me, and there was no way I could even say hello. It's really sinking in now how hard that was for me. It feels like it hurts something deep inside me that's already so wounded and broken and hurt. I don't know how much more it can take. Ouch!

We had a cable outage in our area last Thursday. Our tv came back up, but we are still without phone or internet. Thus the reason I've not been on PC much lately.

Just finished the first day of classes. My students seem like a good bunch so far. I talked too much today though; I'm losing my voice.

Hope you have a great year Chris!

Would you believe I got another jury summons today? This one is municipal and it is for this Thursday. Talk about short notice! So municipal court this week; county in another two weeks. I'm just waiting for a federal jury summons and I'll have won the trifecta! Woohoo!

I actually made an appointment to see my T. It is not until Sept. 10 as life is to crazy between now and then with jury duty and the biopsy and labor day and a couple Friday night football games, yadda yadda. I believe it will have been six weeks or so since I've seen him by the time I get in there. That's a record in a long while and it really has been very easy and smooth for me. I take that as a good sign. No particular reason for going in other than he had asked me to come in once school go started up again. I realized this morning that that hour has come.

I did my civic duty this morning, got picked for the jury and served as the jury foreman for a high intensity trial over a speeding ticket. The good part? I get the rest of the day to myself!!! Woohoo!!

[healed84]

Blahhhhhhhh... It has been a crappy week. Reached out to T earlier this week, he hasn't gotten back to me. Now, I am beating myself up, thinking that there is no reason that I should be reaching out, I shouldn't be able to deal with all of this on my own.

I'm here for ya...as are many

[agma]

Had a good pdoc appointment this morning. My mood has gone downhill since then, and now I am having strong urges to injure.

Back to work tomorrow. It was nice to have a 3-day weekend. It was a nice one. Friday night was the first football game of the season. Hot, muggy weather; sweated like a pig. Not so much fun, particularly since we didn't win. But the band was awesome as usual.

I managed to install our new printer, clean out a cabinet in the pantry that was a disaster, get the grocery shopping done, etc., so it felt like a productive few days.

Friday is my biopsy and needle aspiration. I'm not looking forward to it at all; I've been warned it will be pretty uncomfortable. They've promised me good drugs, but generally medical people downplay the pain you will experience, so it makes me a bit nervous that they are warning me about it.

One more week until my appointment with my T. I'm not quite sure how long we'll have gone between sessions, but my guess is about two months. It really hasn't been hard at all, and I probably don't really need this appointment except he asked me to come in to touch base.

Tomorrow I see my pdoc. He's taking me off my meds as I've become really stable and he suspects I'll be able to maintain stability pretty well on my own without meds now. I've been doing well as he's reduced the meds. I honestly don't really feel any difference, so I'm quite pleased to be back to med free. The meds have served their purpose and I would take them again if needed, but as long as I can manage without them, I can't see continuing to take them just in case. I worry about the long-term effects, particularly of the lithium.

It was nice to hear my T's secretary's voice calling to confirm my appointment for Monday. I haven't seen him in two months, so it will be nice to visit with him even if we don't have any terribly deep work to do right now.

I saw my pdoc Tuesday and he has officially pulled me off of all of my meds. Woohoo!! He said he's kind of scratching his head about how stable I've become after these last few years of constant chaos, but he said whatever I am doing to keep it up. It seems to be working. He wants to see me in a couple of months, and assuming I'm still stable, he'll release me from his care. He'll still be available to me at any time though if I need him again. He's a sweet guy and a really great pdoc.

Sunday is book club luncheon with a bunch of old teacher buddies. Looking forward to some girl time. One of them has previously had issues with seizures, but they thought they had it under contol. Unfortunately, the first day of school she had two seizures (petit mal) during class. Her students were able to let her know what had happened or otherwise she probably wouldn't have known they had happened. The bad news is that she is not allowed to drive now until she goes 6 months seizure free. So I'll pick her up and get her to the restaurant. I'd hate not to be able to drive and have to rely on others to get me everywhere. This is the 2nd time she's been grounded from driving in the last 5 years. That would just suck.

Good to hear you're stable and doing well tapering off meds and therapy, farmergirl. Hope the results from the tests you had done come back all clear.

Well, this week I had two sessions with T again, as I've been struggling. I'm not sure what the issue is, why my mood is crashing, but perhaps 'coming out' as gay is the catalyst for a lot of my current stress and unease... Tonight I managed to tell my best friend, and she was really sweet about it, so that was a relief. I'm now agonizing over if/how to tell my parents. It's going to be so, so hard, the fallout could be really bad.. but I don't want to keep this secret. Telling them is a massive emotional hurdle I just want to get over and out of the way. For better or worse. Maybe then I might be better able to move forward with my life.

[Miswimmy1]

Heck of a week. I feel like crying. Saw my t today and I don't feel any better really

Got a lovely and encouraging message from my T this morning.

This evening I came out to both my parents. They actually seemed to take the news pretty well... not sure they're thrilled, but, they did both say they just want me to be happy. I think that's important to them after seeing me in the depths of depression this last couple years... Possibly the most awkward conversations I've ever had - outside of therapy, that is! Therapy has prepared me well for this moment!!

I feel like things HAVE to get easier now, right? They have to!?

[kaliope]

well i lost this thread for awhile but now i found it again, so here I am.

Great job expressing yourself JustSomeGirl! Yes, I do believe things are bound to get better from here! Stiffling and hiding yourself for so long is bound to be reason for depression.

I am doing ok. Wondering how I can get my insides to match my outsides. Outside, I am doing great professionally and getting rave reviews for recent work, but inside I feel so far disconnected from that person. How can I possibly be that person they are talking about? I dont see it. I wish I could. She sounds awesome.

Hugs to all.

I just had the most delightful afternoon with a bunch of old English teacher friends. We formed a book club over Facebook as a way of forcing ourselves to spend a little time reading non-school-assigned literature and a way to just keep up our friendships. These are some of the finest teachers you'd ever meet. So much fun and such stimulating conversation. My T will be so proud of me for getting out a bit and socializing; that's never been my strong suit. Time to go download the next book to my Kindle.