[kaliope]

my session with t went very well. he was very empathetic and processed my anxiety with me. our rupture last session was a good thing and he is being cautious to make sure he is understanding my needs. he wants finally after over three years together to start exploring my past. he believes the fact that i have no identity is causing my anxiety and if we explore the past we might find it. i hope going back there doesnt mess things up worse.

[tigerlily84]

Today I had a good session. I, too, went over relaxation techniques in T. We are barely scratching the surface of anything because this is only the third session that we've had. Still feeling a little anxious though. I just want to wake up and be "healed" already. I know, I'm being unrealistic.

[SoupDragon]

Shall I, shan't I? Will I, won't I? Quit, or not quit? I hate the whole T ambivalence.

Am furious and upset because I'd actually managed to get myself in a decent mood - bath, music, candles - and had motivated myself to cook a healthy meal instead of just bingeing on cookies... and I start rummaging around the kitchen to find that dad has not only thrown away my olive oil - regular AND extra virgin - and emptied out all of the spices I had. WTF?! Not only that but he's just taking it upon himself to be using MY pans and things... this is just the latest in a long strong of events - started by his girlfriend, but since she stopped coming around I was hoping this type of thing would stop - of him moving/messing with my things that I brought back from my flat when I had to move home. When I had my flat I had everything organised and I had a place for everything and it was all how I wanted and it was beautiful... and NOW I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS **** HOLE WHERE NOTHING IS AS I WANT IT AND MY THINGS GET MOVED OR THROWN AWAY AND I CANT EVEN KEEP SOME ****ING OLIVE OIL IN THE KITCHEN!!! IS NOTHING SACRED?!

And I know, right? I should be grateful dad let me move back in after my breakdown and that I have a roof over my head at all? Not the point. And if it weren't for the way he and mum have treated me i might not have had the sodding breakdown in the first place.

Feeling so so so upset right now.

If I'd have just been lazy and pathetic and ate junk food tonight like my total loser self then I wouldn't even have noticed. I was trying to do better... I had a couple portabello mushrooms and some spaghetti and I was actually going to cook... now I have nothing to eat but the ****ing cookies...

This is stupid, who even cares.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Am furious and upset because I'd actually managed to get myself in a decent mood - bath, music, candles - and had motivated myself to cook a healthy meal instead of just bingeing on cookies... and I start rummaging around the kitchen to find that dad has not only thrown away my olive oil - regular AND extra virgin - and emptied out all of the spices I had. WTF?! Not only that but he's just taking it upon himself to be using MY pans and things... this is just the latest in a long strong of events - started by his girlfriend, but since she stopped coming around I was hoping this type of thing would stop - of him moving/messing with my things that I brought back from my flat when I had to move home. When I had my flat I had everything organised and I had a place for everything and it was all how I wanted and it was beautiful... and NOW I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS **** HOLE WHERE NOTHING IS AS I WANT IT AND MY THINGS GET MOVED OR THROWN AWAY AND I CANT EVEN KEEP SOME ****ING OLIVE OIL IN THE KITCHEN!!! IS NOTHING SACRED?!

And I know, right? I should be grateful dad let me move back in after my breakdown and that I have a roof over my head at all? Not the point. And if it weren't for the way he and mum have treated me i might not have had the sodding breakdown in the first place.

Feeling so so so upset right now.

If I'd have just been lazy and pathetic and ate junk food tonight like my total loser self then I wouldn't even have noticed. I was trying to do better... I had a couple portabello mushrooms and some spaghetti and I was actually going to cook... now I have nothing to eat but the ****ing cookies...

This is stupid, who even cares.

Just_some_ girl, I read your post, and I care. I empathize with your pain and your anger, which you have a right too, and are just. It is not too much of an expectation that your things be respected, even in someone else's domain.

Hang in there, and know what ever you say is NOT stupid, and people do care. I have seen through your post, hugs, and thank you's that you care a lot about others. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Am furious and upset because I'd actually managed to get myself in a decent mood - bath, music, candles - and had motivated myself to cook a healthy meal instead of just bingeing on cookies... and I start rummaging around the kitchen to find that dad has not only thrown away my olive oil - regular AND extra virgin - and emptied out all of the spices I had. WTF?! Not only that but he's just taking it upon himself to be using MY pans and things... this is just the latest in a long strong of events - started by his girlfriend, but since she stopped coming around I was hoping this type of thing would stop - of him moving/messing with my things that I brought back from my flat when I had to move home. When I had my flat I had everything organised and I had a place for everything and it was all how I wanted and it was beautiful... and NOW I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS **** HOLE WHERE NOTHING IS AS I WANT IT AND MY THINGS GET MOVED OR THROWN AWAY AND I CANT EVEN KEEP SOME ****ING OLIVE OIL IN THE KITCHEN!!! IS NOTHING SACRED?!

And I know, right? I should be grateful dad let me move back in after my breakdown and that I have a roof over my head at all? Not the point. And if it weren't for the way he and mum have treated me i might not have had the sodding breakdown in the first place.

Feeling so so so upset right now.

If I'd have just been lazy and pathetic and ate junk food tonight like my total loser self then I wouldn't even have noticed. I was trying to do better... I had a couple portabello mushrooms and some spaghetti and I was actually going to cook... now I have nothing to eat but the ****ing cookies...

This is stupid, who even cares.

What about a kitchen caddy...like kids in college use for the dorms and bathroom.... keep you EVO and spices in that and break out when you cook? Just a thought.....

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

What about a kitchen caddy...like kids in college use for the dorms and bathroom.... keep you EVO and spices in that and break out when you cook? Just a thought.....

I supposedly have my own cupboard space... but he still threw stuff away...

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Just_some_ girl, I read your post, and I care. I empathize with your pain and your anger, which you have a right too, and are just. It is not too much of an expectation that your things be respected, even in someone else's domain.

Hang in there, and know what ever you say is NOT stupid, and people do care. I have seen through your post, hugs, and thank you's that you care a lot about others. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

That's very sweet of you, thank you. I try my best to support others but I usually feel pretty invisible and useless.. sorry, am in self-pity mode

[healed84]

Feeling lower and lower these days..

Short night. Early morning. Had to get my high schooler up to the band hall at 3:30 this morning to load buses to head down to San Antonio for Bands of America SuperRegional today and Texas State 5A Marching Championship on Tuesday. They have 4 contest performances and 3 rehearsals in the next 4 days. Should have seen the caravan heading out: 10 charter buses, 2 semi trucks, 1 full-size Ryder, 2 goose-neck trailers, and countless parent vehicles. Sure wish I was going, but it isn't in the cards this year. We'll be watching live-streaming of the events here at home. I know they'll have lots of fun amidst their hard work. Look out San Antonio!! It's band nerd heaven down there this week.

[FourRedheads]

Haven't updated or posted here for a long time, but I read here daily. I don't know why posting is so hard for me. Safer to be silent? I care about all of you so much..I know that sounds weird.

Anyway, just putting this out there. Back to lurkdom.

[Ike McCaslin]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Haven't updated or posted here for a long time, but I read here daily. I don't know why posting is so hard for me. Safer to be silent? I care about all of you so much..I know that sounds weird.

Anyway, just putting this out there. Back to lurkdom.

I know where you are coming from 4RH. I am a Big I introvert, not sure why I thought it would be different on a forum. But I have received tremendous support here and am trying to give something back, however limited it may be. I also care about everyone here but have a hard time expressing that.

My son's high school marching band just one their 4th consecutive Texas state championship: 2006, 2008, 2010, 2012 (held every other year). The silver medalist band was also from out school district. Amazing work by some of the best teachers I know. We also won the Bands of America SuperRegional on Saturday. Was a great marching season for the band. They won every contest they entered, including all captions for music, visual, general effect, color guard, percussion, etc. Talented group of 300 fantastic teenagers.

Of course, this means another short night. I'll be getting up at 4AM to head to the school to meet the band as they arrive back from San Antonio. It's been a fun few days watching the contests via live streaming (gotta love technology), but I'm tired. Too many short, late nights.

Life in my head is rough right now. Externally, other than working OT everything is fine. In my head... I'm stressed, I can't concentrate, lots of thoughts spiralling around... not sleeping... lots of dreaming... sometimes same one over and over again...

I hope this ends soon.

Two more classes to go, and I'll be out of school for a week! Woohoo! I NEED the break. Been struggling lately, so a rest is in order.

I should be getting my new Mac Pro computer from the district today. That will give me the week to play with it and get comfortable with the switch from PC to Mac. It feels counterintuitive at this point, so I just need to play with it a bit before I go into Apple training workshops the week after break. Excited about a new computer; my current laptop is being high-maintenance lately.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Two more classes to go, and I'll be out of school for a week! Woohoo! I NEED the break. Been struggling lately, so a rest is in order.

I should be getting my new Mac Pro computer from the district today. That will give me the week to play with it and get comfortable with the switch from PC to Mac. It feels counterintuitive at this point, so I just need to play with it a bit before I go into Apple training workshops the week after break. Excited about a new computer; my current laptop is being high-maintenance lately.

You'll love it. Have fun.

Yesterday the boys and I decorated the house for Christmas; lots of fun. House looks like it is throwing up green and red now. Had great fun with the boys. They have strung garland and lights from everything that would stand still. The hallway slightly resembles a disco night club with all the colored lights.

Finally had my eyes rechecked yesterday afternoon. I just haven't been able to see crap for several months. When she checked my vision with my current prescription (which is only a few months old), my vision in my right eye showed to be 20/100. She was a bit freaked out because vision shouldn't change that fast; she was ready to send me to a specialist to be sure I didn't have a brain tumor. Come to find out, they eyeglass place had filled the prescription for my right eye with a lense that was 2 full diopters weak! No wonder I couldn't see. Fortunately, they are remaking my glasses to the correct prescription and aren't charging me for it (technically they could have as it's been more than 3 months since they made those glasses). So, now I'm using an old pair of glasses which are fine for distance, but the reading prescription is not strong enough at all; I'm currently sitting here with a pair of reading glasses over my regular glasses. Looks silly, but gets the job done. Don't judge me!

Hey Fm, I found another place for myself.

I'm glad I don't have to cook tomorrow. I wouldn't know what to do. We would starve. It's a pain in the neck to to fly accross country four just four days it was easier when we homeschooled. We use to leave at Halloween and didn't comeback until mid January. Those were the days. Still, I'm glad kingager is in school, and I can now do some of my life. I'm glad he decided to stay back a year for high school after he was skipped a year.

I don't think you and I have ever gone on this thread together. Friday,
we can look at it together if you want? Oh it's if I want. I want, I want!

The spa is coming up in two weekends. I try not to think about it.

Off to volunteer. I'll try to call you again. I feel like the luckiest client in the world.

Woohoo!!! My niece just posted a picture of her son wearing a T-shirt that says "Big Brother" on it!! So excited for them!!

Turkey's in the oven. About to go work on the sweet potato casserole and the green bean casserole. Texans are playing football on TV. Life is good.

[sunrise]

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. My favorite holiday, I think. I am making squash casserole and roasted vegetables with fresh herbs for my contribution to the family gathering. I am thankful for my 2 wonderful daughters, who are both in town for the holiday, and for my brave mother, who has endured a move from the family home this year, and keeps trying hard and has a sense of humor as her memory fades.

[rainbow8]

I hope you had/are having a great time celebrating with your daughters and Mom today, sunrise. How do you make squash caserole? Sounds yummy!

[rainbow8]

I haven't posted here for awhile either. I had a really good day today. We went to the zoo with my d. and grandson who is 3. He loved seeing the animals and it was a perfect day for November--we just needed light jackets. Only disappointment is that the zoo doesn't have some of the animals it used to, like the elephants and penguins. We couldn't find the lion, either. We walked and walked so now I'm very tired but happy!

[QuietCat]

Ugh! Really difficult week for me. First T cancels appointment because he's sick. Then I get sick and have to miss work three days in row. Worst cold in the world! Thought I might die.

Today I was feeling a little better, but then my toilet backed up and overflowed all over the floor. So messy and gross!

Luckily the plumber came out and fixed it. I'm glad I wasn't the neighbors on the other side of the duplex, because the plumbers were over at their place most of the day. I spent the rest of the day sopping up the mess with towels and mopping and doing laundry over and over.

Then I decided I needed more excitement and made a whole Thanksgiving dinner for myself. Next year I will NOT do this. When you're single and alone there doesn't seem like a lot of point to all that work.

Now I'm watching Bethany Ever After. I love her therapist Dr. Amador. He reminds me of my T.

[kaliope]

i have been doing terrible. taking an antidepressant to address my agorophobia triggered a rapid mixed cycle with psychosis. the instability has been hell, missing work, spending money i dont have to be spending. i have been making the best of it. i like painting so i have been painting a lot. you can check out my gallery. i have been doing nearly one a day. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=248732
my friends in games, say why dont you paint this...so i do.....

today i contacted my abuser, who i havent spoke to in over five years. my father, i disowned him. i was possessed. i wanted to wish him a happy thanksgiving is all. i dont know why. i left a voice mail crying. saying i wasnt well. and wishing him happy thanskgiving and hung up. i dont know what i was expecting in doing this. i am feeling nothing over it.

i need to get better. i need to fly to japan in 8 days. i need to be better.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you feel so terrible because of your meds. Hopefully you'll be better by the time you go on your trip!

I LOVE your paintings! I'm trying to get back into painting but no way am I as good as you are! Your artwork is beautiful! I'm trying water colors for now, just doing something because I haven't painted in years. Did you copy those scenes from pictures? I can't draw anything unless it's in front of me, either a still life or a photo or a real scene or person. Keep painting!