Refuse to leave?

our sessions last anywhere from 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hrs but its only once every 2 weeks so we never know when its time to leave. we just get up when she says its time

I have often said to my therapist that I don't want to leave, but of course I do.
It's a safe place to be.

no I have never refused to leave..when my therapist worked at a mental health agency instead of private practice those that became unruly ie violent, refused to leave, the police were called and they were either asked to leave by the police or arrested for trespassing and loitering.

now that shes in private practice it is still against the law for someone to be on someone elses property uninvited. if you are asked to leave here you leave or get arrested.

mental health agencies and therapists are for the public but each state still has their own trespassing and loitering laws. not to mention like someone already mentioned not leaving therapy when asked is also a violation of boundaries.

in some USA states doing this is also called emotional/physical abuse/ hostage situation. Here in NY we have zero tolerance for any situation like this.

thats not to say therapists here in NY dont give their clients the time they need. when ever I need more time with my therapist I ask for it and she looks at her schedule and we set up another session either the same day or the nearest open time slot.

I would never even consider emotionally abusing my therapist by forcing myself on her by refusing to leave when my time was up, or holding her hostage in the therapy session by refusing to leave.. that would be like my abusers getting in my face, making sure I didnt leave because they wouldnt leave...

no I have never been abusive like this to my therapist and would never abuse her time like this.

To answer the initial question, no, I have never refused to leave, though there have certainly been times I haven't wanted to leave. In fact, at the end of a session, I never WANT to leave. I always wish I had more time. But, when the clock is up, I get up and go.

I know not wanting to leave can be difficult, but I really don't see what your former T did wrong in this situation. She assumed that you had left at the end of your session, she went upstairs expecting to be alone in her home, went back down for something to drink, and found you still in her house! Having a fairly new client unexpectedly lingering in her house could have been quite frightening for her. It's more of a boundary violation than lingering in her office, because this is her place of residence. This is where she feels safe. Having a client lingering in her house could make her feel very unsafe in her own home. Even if she was trying to mask her own fear or discomfort and remain professional, it's hard to imagine that such a situation would not be unnerving even for a well-trained T.

It's also not just that a client needs to leave to accommodate the next client, but also to allow the T to have some personal time in between clients. That is why most Ts leave a "gap" of at least 10 minutes in between clients. Being a T can be a very emotionally demanding and draining job. Ts need a chance to clear their heads from the previous session and take a little breather before having to be "on" again with the next client. Depriving T of those few minutes of down time can really have a negative effect on them, personally and emotionally, as well as on the quality of care they are able to provide the next client.

There also seems to be a difference between a client having a panic attack or mental breakdown which they absolutely cannot control, and a client who is acting out for attention. When you say "I wanted her to see me crying, so I sat there," that makes your behavior sound manipulative, even if it is unintentionally so. Your objective in staying there was to get her to pay attention to you and comfort you, even though your time was up. That is a form of manipulation, as well as a boundary violation.

And, when a boundary is being violated, the best way to handle the situation (for the good of the T AND the client) is to be polite but firm and enforce the boundary. It sounds like that is what your T did. To have continued to do therapy with you when your time had been up for 15 minutes by asking you what was wrong, hugging you, and walking out with you would have been to reward you for violating the boundaries, and to reinforce that behavior by giving you what you wanted. It would have sent the message that it was okay not to leave at the end of session and that if you want more time with T, all you have to do is hang around in her house and cry until she sees you again and comes over to see what is wrong. I can understand why your Ts behavior would cause you to feel rejected or hurt, but in all honesty, it sounds like she did what was in your own best interests. I bet you never broke that boundary again!

My intention in writing this is not to criticize your behavior long after the fact but, rather, to offer you a new perspective on that situation. Maybe instead of feeling like your former T failed you or traumatized you, you can realize that what she did was actually a very helpful and loving gesture. She held firm (even when it may have been difficult for her to do so) in order to help you learn appropriate therapy boundaries and to teach you how to soothe yourself instead of always reaching out to someone else to soothe you. That is one of the most important lessons we can learn in therapy! It's also one of the hardest-- it was for me, anyway-- but it takes a firm hand from T to teach us this. That's how I learned it!

Okay... sorry for hijacking a bit... I didn't expect what I wrote to be so long! And thanks to Lost for starting this thread... it ended up being really helpful for me to think about this question.

I've often wanted to sit and refuse to leave because i don't want to but i'd be way too embarrassed to do that. plus my t moves the clock to where i can see it before my sessions because i get really antsy if i can't see the time, so i couldn't pretend i didn't know it was time up!

Thoughts and feelings are private/ours but actions are public and I like to have a plan if I'm going to act differently than I usually do in a situation. Thinking and talking about not leaving does not hurt me or anyone else but acting on it can hurt both the person acting and the person on the receiving end of the action. If we're in someone else's space at their invitation, outstaying our welcome is an aggressive boundary crossing at the very least and does not get us anything.

It's a little like a child crying when they don't get what they ask for and having a tantrum; if they were "good" and polite and made the request later in the day, pointing out how they had been cooperative and gone along with the program a long time that day, they might have reason to expect getting a "reward" or what they asked for, getting their "turn" in the relationship. It's a two-way street but insisting on more than our share or not fulfilling our portion of the "contract" does not get us anything we might possibly want?

i have never refused to leave, used to be i had a hard time staying the entire time. even asked for shorter session, t said no.

i never could figure out in all the years i have seen him how he knew when the time was up. last night i got the chance to look around t's office. really look around, he was getting the appt book. he has pictures in there and everything.. and a "clock" hanging on the wall!!! such a smart t

There have been several times when I told T I didn't want to leave because her office felt safe and I didn't want to face the world. We joked about it a little, and I did leave. There have been other times, where I just needed an extra minute or two to compose myself before leaving, and T has been happy to give me that. She's even offered to show me to another office if I needed it, but I've always declined that.

There have also been times where all I wanted to do was bolt out of T's office...and she's asked me to stay just a moment longer so that I don't give in to that impulse.

I often tell T I don't want to leave session. Refusing to leave is acting out, telling T I don't want to leave is therapeutic (this is what T says). So we talk about why I don't want to leave, he validates my feelings, I leave and do it again next time I don't want to leave.

Sometimes I felt like I did not want to leave and would even say, "I notice that I don't want to leave just yet but I know this will pass and I will be okay." The fact that I told my T actually helped those feelings diminish so I was then able to leave.

Ohh leaving is so difficult for me-to leave the safety and comfort from T...I've said a lot that I don't want to...one time T joked "We can't live here-there is no food!" hehe! Then he will validate my feelings of not wanting to leave and tell me it will be okay-he has used a bible story twice to talk about wanting to stay there...it's great! Ive also had sessions were physically it was rough to leave-buy we grounded a lot and T always makes sure I'm ok to drive and will sometimes say to email when I get home to know I'm ok...
But lost-I think your T knows its tough for you-and that doesn't mean anything bad!

I did kind of refuse to leave once many years ago. I was definately acting out, it was manipulative and pretty childish. I didn't do it to intentionally harm or disrepect her and it was based on my own fear of leaving and being back in the world alone as I was very depressed at the time.

I actually love how my therapist handled it, it makes me laugh now but I said I didnt want to leave and sat there. She smiled and when she seen I wasnt movng she said "well you can stay here if you want but I am going to lunch, so you will be here on your own" and walked to the door (this was a building with various rooms for therapists to use.

I gave in pretty quickly after that and she said goodbye and that was it. It was almost like a child throwing a tantrum in a store and the parent walking on, pretending to leave them and then the child gives in and follows the parent because they don't want to be left alone lol. I only realised this afterwards.

That was many years ago and funny my current T has told me I am very good at the time boundary, as I keep a check on it myself. The odd time when she asks if its ok to end the session I say 'no' in a jokey voice but I don't try to outstay my welcome like I did that one time years ago, esp as my current therapist works from home.

I agree with much of what scorpicsis37 has said about therapists needing time between sessions and how staying in her home without her permission is a bigger problem than an office. However I also think the therapist had a responsibility to ensure her clients were out of her home and to maintain her own safety. Really she should not have just walked up the stairs and just assumed a client would leave. It would have been better practice for her to see a client to the door and for her own safety lock the door until the next client arrived.

Maybe you could talk to your therapist about how you feel at the end of a session and how hard it is for you?

i've felt that and totally understand what you are talking about. so hard to leave at times.



i talked about it with my therapist, for me... she didn't help... kept talking about tolerating emotions and whatnot.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=206924

Oh my Lost! Are we twins? I'm beginning to think so. Not to mention I was fired from my job in May. And I am getting my ESD (emotional support dog in training for psych service dog) on Monday. And he is a 5 mo yorkie.

Read the above link about my similar experience. Thread was closed at my request because it got a little out of hand. Really, truly, I am beginning to think this is a case of the '21st century parent trap!?'

KC

I have gotten into moments that my T didn't wrap up well and we freeze and just CAN'T ground enough to leave so we voice that we can't go yet. My inner kids can sometimes throw small fits about having to leave but it's usually for a similar reason, that they feel unraveled and they can't pull it together. Usually that means we ask to be able to touch base later.

I have never refused to leave. Actually the opposite, T refused to let me leave. Apparently something about me not being able to contract for safety and she wanted me to go to the hospital yada yada yada Eventually i WAS allowed to leave after i had calmed down and talked a bit to her. And agreed to come in the next day. haha Now i am always very anxious to leave, sometimes its hard to stay the whole session. I tell her she traumatized me, cause now when anything happens im afraid she will try to commit me

T asked today if it was okay to stop where we were (we did some really deep, hurty things today). I asked him what he would do if I said "no." I figured he'd just laugh and schedule me for my next regular appointment. He stopped, looked at me and said he would work me in at some other time in the day if stopping right there felt wrong and he had another appointment right after mine. I didn't take him up on it, but I was touched that he took that approach.

I think he's a keeper.

Well done, that T.