[kiki86]

ok so if you haven't been following my threads i will summarize.

i had a horrible session with my T on tuesday and i felt so terrible afterwards. like the worst person in the world. i've calmed down a bit now though and i'm thinking when i go back for my next session it's going to be very hard for me to describe how i felt before. it makes me feel like i'm being stupid and dramatic...

SO i thought about letting my T read a bit from my journal from the day after our last session when i was in a really bad mental state but i don't know if that's a good idea or not. is it manipulative? like it might make him feel bad about how much he upset me if he reads how i spiralled after the last session?

so good idea or bad idea?

[sconnie892]

I think your t should know how you felt after your session. T's are trained to deal with these emotions. Sharing your feelings may open the door for discussion. As for it being manipulative, that really depends on your motivation for sharing. If you want to try to make your t feel bad then, yes it might be manipulative. If you want your t to know how you felt after session so you can work through the feelings together then I would not see that as manipulative.

I can't speak for your t, but my t has told me she will not read from my journal. She says if she does I will alter how I write in my journal, which is the one place I am 100% open about my feelings. I know this is a boundary/rule for my t and I respect that. I know she has that rule to make sure that I have a safe place to let all my feelings out - especially feelings after a bad session.

However, I do take my journals to sessions and on occasion have shared from them. But I have to read it aloud. Sometimes I will take my journal and write out important points or feelings I want to share with t. It can be difficult to describe how you felt when a week or two has passed between sessions. But I've often found this has given me time to reflect on my feelings and be able to discuss them with t.

[lrt1978]

I have found that when I have had sessions like that, I decided not to say anything, in the next session I could not concentrate at all. I had written down exactly what I was feeling after the bad session, wasnt going to give it to her, but had it on me anyway, my psychologist picked up that there was something on my mind, so I just handed her what I had written, she read it and we discussed it and it was all ok.

I always find that sometimes it is easier for me to write it down and give it to her, as I tend to be 100% honest when I write down what I am feeling, I find it easier then trying to explain.

I would write it out or show the journal, if it is easier then trying to explain xxxx

[WikidPissah]

An act isn't necessarily manipulative, it's the motive behind the act. Like if you want him to read it just so that he feels bad and gives you more attention, that's manipulative. But if you want him to read it to gain insight into why you spiral led out, it isn't manipulative at all. I think you are the latter, you just want to give him important info so he will have better insight.

Even in the off chance that it is manipulative, it is still something that needs to be talked thru. So win win, either way.

[kiki86]

thanks for all your responses!

that's the thing. i'm not sure why i want him to read it. i guess i want him to know how i felt but i don't know why i want that. i mean he's my T so he's supposed to know how i feel right? but it seems counter-intuitive, like you would never show your journal to your partner/friend etc, or at least i wouldn't so i am second guessing myself as to why i want him to know how bad i felt.

i am aware that my feelings were extremely disproportionate to the actual situation and that is something i have long needed to tackle. and my T has often said that i don't seem able to discuss my feelings. i always end up joking about it or acting like it's not a big deal. i suppose if he reads what i wrote when my feelings were "hot" then i can't dismiss it so easily.

Just talk to him about your reaction to whatever happened in the last session. You will both learn the most from actual conversation about whatever it was. I've only shown my journal to T on a couple of rare occasions and the journal entries had nothing to do with him. You could write a letter directly TO him I suppose stating what you had gone through as a way of starting conversation about the topic though. That might be actually more direct.

Originally Posted by kiki86

i am aware that my feelings were extremely disproportionate to the actual situation and that is something i have long needed to tackle. and my T has often said that i don't seem able to discuss my feelings. i always end up joking about it or acting like it's not a big deal. i suppose if he reads what i wrote when my feelings were "hot" then i can't dismiss it so easily.

I think that is your motivation. I too have my T. say the same thing and that I do the joking about it and minimizing it... I personally think it would be a good idea if he reads what you wrote at the time...it might be able to help you work towards sharing your feelings and for your T to see your true emotions.

[Asiablue]

I think by showing him your journal for that day is a good idea. It is hard to recapture your thought processes and try to explain them so it would give your T a really valuable insight into how you truly feel.

[kiki86]

thanks everyone. i think i will show it to him and see what happens then.

i will let you know how it goes!

I think its a great idea. Your t cant read your mind, so reading your journal is a great way to know what you are thinking.

[kiki86]

so nervous about tomorrow. i was reading over the journal entry i was going to show him and it's so needy and self loathing. on the one hand i think it might be good for him to understand what i'm feeling but i also think i'll be mortified. i don't want him to see me as the needy pathetic person i see myself as!

[lrt1978]

How did today go ??

Hope it went well xxx

[AngelWolf3]

I hope that today goes well for you...I think that showing him is a good idea (or reading aloud, like others have done if he won't read directly from it). He will know how you feel then. Plus you can process through it too. Let us know how it goes!

*hugs*

[rosabella]

During therapy you are destined to spiral emotionally it's all part of the deal. I think it is great that you want to share how you felt after your last session but I will tell you from experience, your T will want you to express it to him/her verbally instead of reading from your journal. Remember being in therapy is an emotional, cognitive, and even physical journey to wellness that feels like taking the world off your shoulders, the sh... off you 100 pound boots, and leaving a truck load of suitcases behind. It's not supposed to feel good all the time. You have to remember, you are responsible for your feelings. Your T is just helping you become aware of them. I hope it gets easier for you. My time in psychotherapy was very helpful and full of tears and anger. Sometimes you have to feel like sh... to get it out.

THAT WHICH IS NOT FLEXIBLE WILL BREAK

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rosabella

I think it is great that you want to share how you felt after your last session but I will tell you from experience, your T will want you to express it to him/her verbally instead of reading from your journal.

I am not sure that a categorical statement like this can be made, just from one's own experience. My own T, for example, is perfectly fine when I read from my journal - I wrote those words, after all, they ARE my own voice speaking - and has even read aloud for me, no problem at all.

Kiki - It IS great that you want to share with yr T how you felt after your session.

[kiki86]

Thanks guys. I brought my journal but i was too embarrassed to let him read it but i did talk about what i had written. it certainly wasn't comfortable but at least i did it. i thought it would feel much more cathartic though. mostly it just feels like an anticlimax.

That happens. We build things up in our minds and the reality is never quite what we imagined it would be. Good for you for talking to him. Great start.