[Fixated]

Hey,

I'm just wondering what other people's experiences are with regard to giving their T a gift. Have they ever rejected it/said no? How did you decide what to get them?

I just read an article on this site that suggested that the gift should be about the receiver and what they like...and not something with special meaning. I think I've violated both of those notions.

Just got back from 5 months of backpacking. T was really instrumental in helping me find the courage to go when all other adults in my life thought it was crazy. I also had a therapy epiphany while there with regard to allowing the T relationship to happen etc.

So I was in Thailand on this temple tour and the guide talked about symbols in Buddhism. He said the elephant represented mental strength, patience, analysis, etc. It made me think of T immediately. Then I saw these elephant figurines in the gift shop. I felt like I should buy to give to her, but I was uncertain. Then I kept seeing figurines everywhere. I agonized but eventually bought one when I found a rice farmer hand carving elephants from wood in this weekend market.

So I was just worried that she would say no, but now I'm worried that the gift is too personal to me. I didn't buy it with her in mind to like it. I bought it as a symbol of thanks and my new commitment to therapy.

[granite1]

just wondering why cant the gift be personal.especially if it is for your T.i think the elephant is an awsoome idea maybe print out a copy of the meaning it has and give that with the gift.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by granite1

just wondering why cant the gift be personal.especially if it is for your T.i think the elephant is an awsoome idea maybe print out a copy of the meaning it has and give that with the gift.

Idk why it can't be personal. I just got nervous and started googling gift giving to Ts, and I came across this article where it suggests the gifts should not be personal to the giver. Maybe because then it just is more for me than it is for my T?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...rapist-a-gift/

Printing out the meaning is a good idea. I wasn't going to wrap it or anything so as not to make too big a deal, so I'll have to think about how to work that in. The carved elephant was just going to be in my pocket or something.

[kiki86]

I think that's fine. I think many T's will reject gifts if they are expensive or if they feel the patient might be giving it to them to because they want the T to like them. but the elephant representative of your journey in therapy, i would say that is a good gift to give.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by kiki86

I think that's fine. I think many T's will reject gifts if they are expensive or if they feel the patient might be giving it to them to because they want the T to like them. but the elephant representative of your journey in therapy, i would say that is a good gift to give.

Thanks. It definitely wasn't expensive, but I do worry that part of the subconscious motivation could have been wanting T to like me more or make myself special to her. Maybe that is why I fretted for so long over whether or not to buy one.

[AngelWolf3]

I agree with kiki86...I think especially the part about your journey in therapy. I don't know about subconscious motivation, but I think you had a good meaning behind the gift and T would appreciate? Just a thought. Let us know what you decide!

(ps your backpacking trip sounds amazing!)

[kiki86]

your T will probably talk to you about why you gave it to her. but i imagine that unless she has very strict boundaries she will accept it regardless of your reasoning as long as you can discuss it.

I think it's a great idea, even if she tells you she cannot accept it. It gives you an opportunity to talk to her about what it means to you, and why you chose it, and what she means to you.

I bought my T a little horse figurine for Christmas. It was a little boy boosting a little girl up on a horse. For a variety of reasons, it was really meaningful to me and I thought it was representative of our relationship. My T said he loved it and it's still sitting on the shelf right above his computer screen. I also got him a cap for his birthday -- it was kind of silly. He had made a reference to the ATF one time in a telephone call, and I was like , and we had talked about that reference and laughed about it in session one time, so when I saw an ATF ball cap for sale, I bought it.

He said he typically doesn't accept gifts, but the first was really meaningful and we talked about it before he accepted it. The second was just silly and inexpensive and made us both laugh. He said part of the boundary is about what the client thinks about the gift and what the expectations are associated with the gift.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Idk why it can't be personal. I just got nervous and started googling gift giving to Ts, and I came across this article where it suggests the gifts should not be personal to the giver. Maybe because then it just is more for me than it is for my T?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...rapist-a-gift/

Printing out the meaning is a good idea. I wasn't going to wrap it or anything so as not to make too big a deal, so I'll have to think about how to work that in. The carved elephant was just going to be in my pocket or something.

how big is it. maybe put it in a bag with the print out.it dont even need to be a gift bag

[Asiablue]

I've given gifts to my T and she's been delighted to receive them, my gifts were small, inexpensive and thoughtful. She's never said anything about why i wanted to get her a gift, she's just taken joy in the moment. I think some Therapists put way too much angst into gift-giving.

Also, i think the little wooden Elephant is a really beautiful heartfelt gift and i'd def write a little card explaining how you came by it and what the significance of the Elephant is, makes it all the more special <3

I've only ever given one gift to a t, my current t. It was maybe 4 years ago now I guess for Christmas. I gave it to him not really worried about him accepting it because he has gifts from other clients throughout the years in his office and has talked about them from time to time: everything from McDonald's Happy Meal toys from children who were his clients to framed art from adults. He knows exactly who each token came from and the story behind it, whether it was just for fun or symbolic of something.

I have never felt obligated to give him a gift, nor did I give the gift with any other spirit other than a thank-you for being there through all the crap. It was a nice gift. I chose it particularly because it "spoke" to me when I saw it of how I think of him in the scheme of my life. It was a beautiful figurine of a circus elephant balancing on a really tiny round platform. He completely "saw" the symbolism in the figurine for me and it sits on his bookshelf now.

You do need to probably have a fairly good idea ahead of time if your T accepts gifts from clients in the first place; otherwise, it could be pretty painful to have him/her have to hand it back to you because of boundaries. I do think gift giving to anyone, be they family or loved ones or our T's, has to be about the spirit of giving for THEIR sake, not ours. If we are gifting to get something, some validation or response, from the receiver, the spirit seems in the wrong place, and I think that's where people end up feeling hurt or rejected if their preconceived/visualized response isn't forthcoming.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I do worry that part of the subconscious motivation could have been wanting T to like me more or make myself special to her. Maybe that is why I fretted for so long over whether or not to buy one.

Part of the gift to your T could be talking about this openly with her. She might find this as meaningful as the gift itself.

My t hasnt ever analyzed why i give her the gifts i do. Hm.... The nail polish says i like it when we paint our nails together... The bodywash says i know you take showers cuz you come with wet hair... The cookies cuz you steal my snack from me etc

Id be ready to talk about the gift though when you give it to your t just in case

[lostmyway21]

Me and T both have iPhones. He had a busted up case that was driving me insane for a couple of months. One day I emailed him and asked him his favorite color. ( he had no idea why) and I picked him up a new case. The next session I told him to give me his phone, he handed it over and I took the new case out of my pocket and slipped it on. Lol I didn't give him the chance to say no. He needed it and it drove me insane. He was very appreciative.

[Dreamy01]

I've seen three different Ts and given all of them gifts at some time or other. It has never been an issue apart from once when former T was quite taken over a Christmas gift. It wasn't expensive but VERY personal and she felt it was rather more like something a close friend would have given her. But she accepted it. I've never had a gift refused but I am generally very careful what i give and I don't go overboard. I think a Buddha figurine is a very nice gift and not inappropriate. I tend to go for symbolic things too.

[Fixated]

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and wisdom. You've given me a lot to think about. I have a lot of soul searching to do to make sure I'm giving it for the right reasons, and if not completely, I want to be upfront about that. Either way, I am going to bring the gift with me in my bag tomorrow. I don't want to leave it hanging out there in my mind any longer. I will just ask her at the beginning what her policy on gifts is and see where it goes from there.

just to note: i have never given t a gift of anything except showing up for all my appts.
and he doesn't have any of that stuff in his office. no trinkets, shells, knicknacks, toys, etc. nothing, nada,
so i would be very hesitant in my situation to give a gift to t. and probably more afraid of the rejection than anything else.
just another pov to consider....

ps i like the idea of the elephant..

[Fixated]

Upon further reflection, I'm starting to suspect that more motivation revolves around wanting to be special in her eyes than I originally thought. What does this mean? Or say about me? I do have a habit from my past of doing things so people will like/love me or trying to pattern myself in a way that will make myself more likable.

But there is definitely just a huge THANK YOU factor too in wanting to give her the gift.

I am not sure if she accepts gifts, but for some reason I do not think she would outright reject it. She does have some trinkets around her office.

Idk. I am so torn and just feeling like a horrible person for having an instinct for manipulation to get people to like me. Maybe I won't take the gift in but will still bring the whole thing up.

I think the gift is appropriate. I've only ever given my T two things - one relatively inexpensive and the other handmade, but she accepted both. I think it's nice that you got your T such a meaningful little token whilst you were on your travels. If I were you I would definitely take it - even in the (I believe unlikely) event she has to refuse it, I bet she'll really appreciate the gesture, and to hear the meaning behind it

Ts are probably more likely to refuse expensive gifts, or in the event that gift giving becomes too habitual. From what I've read, the occasional trinket is generally okay.

[autotelica]

If you are nervous about it being a "big" thing, maybe you could give it to her at the end of the session? And just say, "I just want to give you this little token from my trip. When I saw it I thought of you."

Maybe if you keep it simple and casual, she'll accept it in that light.

I don't think you should beat yourself over your motives.

[stopdog]

I have never had the urge to give a therapist a gift. I never would have thought about it until I read about people doing it on boards like this. I don't think it is wrong, just don't know why anyone would want to do it. Good luck with it.

[rainboots87]

I have given my Ts and dietitian a thank you/goodbye gift that I made (a certain type of art I do) with a heartfelt thank you card. For my individual T, I also gave her the same sort of gift before she went on maternity leave for a few months last year. Before we wrapped up for good last month, I had said that I had a gift for her for the last session and she said she wasn't "supposed to accept gifts" or something to that effect. I was a bit alarmed, but quickly reminded her about the maternity leave gift. She then made a comment about how I just couldn't buy her a car and laughed. So I think she didn't want a lot of money spent and thought that would be inappropriate, but I do know she really appreciated what I made her.

I would give your T the gift and just explain the significance of it. I hope it goes well!

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have never had the urge to give a therapist a gift. I never would have thought about it until I read about people doing it on boards like this. I don't think it is wrong, just don't know why anyone would want to do it. Good luck with it.

For me, it was a small thank you for all of the support and guidance they'd given me over the years. I've only done this with a couple of Ts who I've really connected with and who've helped me grow.

[eskielover]

The first Pdoc I had, I found this adorable golf figurine that I gave him....& he had no problem accepting it.

The psychologists I have now aren't allowed to accept anything from their clients.....not even holiday cards from what I have seen. The difference seems to be whether it's a private practice, or like where I am going that's a community care facility. I can understand why they don't allow them to accept gifts....but it's kind of sad because there are times when it's nice to be able to thank them in some kind of small way for the help they have given.