[learning1]

mention of sui thoughts.


I haven't seen this t since March or April. I felt really awful about how it ended. The things he said suggest he doesn't think it matters if I'm depressed. I said, therapy isn't working. He said he would suggest taking a break. He had also recently asked if I wanted to stop coming. He said, if this is good bye, celebrate your accomplishments in therapy. It was clear he doesn't/didn't care if I come back or if I feel like therapy didn't work- meaning I'm still depressed. He said it doesn't matter what he thinks about this stuff- pushing me to work on it isn't his job. But being pushy is exactly what he's doing. There's also another vague topic he's being cold and pushy about, related to my family, but that isn't on my mind quite as much. Instead of bringing it up, he kept hinting that I should have brought it up. (Whatever it is he has in mind, idk.)

I got more depressed than usual for a while in May/June. Thinking about sui, etc., though I know I'm not close to having courage to do it. I didn't and don't think that's his fault. The thoughts weren't caused by therapy but by thoughts like life sucks (and I couldn't really hope therapy would help anymore).

Anyway, I know he constantly swings back and forth between being ridiculously positive and supportive and being really cold and pushy for a therapist. So I thought if I decided to go back, he might be on his upswing into supportive mode. I'm not sure why, but I emailed for another appointment. He replied, "of course you can make an appointment." That's ALL it took. One sentence and I am SO relieved- he doesn't want to get rid of me like the stuff he said last time could have implied. And I feel like maybe he cares again, etc., even though my brain remembers he's pretty indifferent.

I HATE this/him/myself. Why am I such a wimp when I'm mad at him. It always only takes him saying one remotely nice thing and I stop having all the awful feelings, and then he can keep jerking me around again the next time. He'll probably be nice when I go back (I hope). Then in a few sessions, if I keep talking to him, he'll say something that he knows is likely to imply the exact opposite to me- something even more hurtful than last time.

And he never knows a fraction of my thoughts about this (or anything) because he talks so dam* much. He only wants to hear my immediate reactions and doesn't give me a second to think of what I'd say if he'd shut his mouth for half as long as normal people do.

Sometimes I can sense "the man behind the curtain". He is mostly indifferent and all the ridiculous excessive support and the nastiness are both meaningless. He doesn't care or know quite what he's doing; he's just messing around, pushing buttons. When I know this, how does the crap he says keep affecting me so much.

[mazing]

sorry you have had a bad experience with current t. From what you have said it appears he is probably trying to help in the way he knows how, but that doesn't seem to help you - which is ok. We are all different and find comfort and assistance in different things.

Are you able to write to current T about the concerns you have? I know from experience that a lot of the time, therapists are just reading the situation wrong but really do care and want to help. We all make mistakes and there is a possibility that he doesn't see how negatively this is affecting you.

If you believe you can't patch your relationship, I don't know how much you are up for it, but have you considered looking around at other therapists? I know meeting new therapists can be extremely hard, but therapy can go a lot smoother with a person who you actually relate to and understands you.

I really hope you can work something out While therapy isn't easy, it should be something beneficial and it seems that you are struggling to find the positives with it at the moment.

Good luck

[Wren_]

((((((((((((learning)))))))))))))))) that sounds so confusing ... as though he is pulling and pushing at the same time and making it hard for you to know which way to turn; the pulling draws you in and makes you want more of it, more of him and the pushing hurts and hurts and hurts and leads to being pushed away. It's really hard to know if the pushing is deliberate or if it is just a problem with his communication skills or what is going on there *scratch* things i do know are ..... i want you to have a good therapist who will help you with all the things going on; who will know when to push appropriately and will encourage you to talk rather than talking over you.

why do you think it affects you so much? ......

[stopdog]

Are you really stuck on this one or could you try a different one? It sounds sort of crazy-making the way he is.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by learning1

Then in a few sessions, if I keep talking to him, he'll say something that he knows is likely to imply the exact opposite to me- something even more hurtful than last time.

And he never knows a fraction of my thoughts about this (or anything) because he talks so dam* much. He only wants to hear my immediate reactions and doesn't give me a second to think of what I'd say if he'd shut his mouth for half as long as normal people do.

The first paragraph I quoted here seems to reflect something that is throughout your posting, which is that you have assigned knowledge to him, you're reading his mind and assuming its the truth. He *knows* . . . are you really sure that is true? Is there any part of your reaction that might be about how you are interpreting his words and actions? Have you spoken directly to him about any of these things that you feel about him, the relationship, especially the back-and-forth?

This doesn't come up for me in therapy much with my T, but I talk about this kind of conflict all the time as it relates to my wife. I am always wondering, is this *mine* or is this *hers*? It can actually be both as well. Part of the answer for me sometimes lies in trying to remember whether I've had this feeling before, like being ignored, and then I realize that yep, this is a familiar feeling to me. My T is also really good about pointing out that it's not necessarily either-or, that it can be both her behavior that I'm reacting to AND I can have an overreaction to that. But it's impossible to resolve it unless I communicate how I'm feeling to her (wife), because it is in her reaction that I really understand what she was trying to say and trying to do.

Just like you can't read your T's mind, he can't read yours. If you need him to shut up and allow you to talk, you need to actually say something. I usually tell my T I need her to talk MORE, and she is willing to do so, but she also tells me to remind her anytime I need it. I think T's can easily slip into a certain way of interacting . . . and there is a wide range of what's normal in terms of listening/speaking. But we need to let them know what is and is not working for us.

You don't say that you've talked to your T about these things and maybe he's still doing them. Maybe that's what you rant is about, I don't know. But if you haven't communicated how you feel--- you could just hand him your post and say you want to talk about it. It's always your choice to just bail and get a new T, or leave therapy altogether, but IME you will find this pattern following you like a friendly puppy no matter who your T is. If you want to improve your general interpersonal skills, this is the kind of interaction that may be helpful to making that happen-- learning to ask for what you need and resolve misunderstandings are critical to just about any relationship.

Doesn't sound so real too me. Find another T. I have said to my T many times that I am going to quit, she gently "holds"me to keep me there without telling me or making me and it's that being "held" there that I need so desperately. Her response to my depression is to care about it.

I only say this not in an "I got a better therapist that you". But in a way to perhaps give you hope that there is better of there, that what you are feeling can be cared about.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by learning1

One sentence and I am SO relieved- he doesn't want to get rid of me like the stuff he said last time could have implied.

"Could have implied" is such a loaded phrase. It sounds like you have as much trouble with yourself and assumptions as you do with understanding what the T might be saying/meaning. I'd see if I could find a T that I felt I understood better or a therapy that did not require so much interpretation (like CBT or DBT http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/wha...n-cbt-and-dbt/)

[Krose]

I have found that when I have a session, I do not always get the affirmations from her that I want to make me feel better and that I so desperately need. When I do not get them, I generally come away from the session feeling worse. She will usually state that she sees me fishing for her approval.

At these times, I want to quit. What has helped me hang in there is to realize how much she has helped me through our sessions. I also understand that she pushes me because those are the times I grow the most.

So I would consider this in analyzing if you should remain with your T or not. It is a T's job to push us beyond our comfort zone and make us feel uncomfortable at times. That is when we grow and change the most.