Controlled Burn ???

As many of you know my last T wasn't good for me and the termination was a disaster. I do take some of the blame as I experienced transference with my mommy issues. When the flood gates of emotion opened i was a HOT MESS on my best of days. Crying, emailing, calling, needing her to love me and too much time in my head.
Fastforward.... my current T, a younger male, is awesome..he exlpains the process as we go. He and I have a conversation type therapy going on. We bounce ideas off each other regarding the why's and how comes of what lead me to therapy. Now here's the rub. I am so afraid to go back to the HOT MESS of things, I don't want to be emotional about things, I want to stay intellectual, neutral a 3rd party... but I know I need to. I told him the with xT , it felt like a forest fire of emotion and I think I need more of a controlled burn. I trust him , I like him but.... but ... I think I am just scared. Anyone have a similar story? Words of wisdom?

Just give it time. I don't think forcing the emotions really works nor is it particularly helpful. Really you are still transitioning from one T to the next here, so it will take time to find that happy medium and totally regain that sense of safety and comfort. Perhaps being able to look at things more from the intellectual viewpoint is just where you need to be right now. Give yourself time; things tend to reach an equilibrium if just left on their own to get that way.

gosh, just words sans wisdom here.

I think the hot mess IN AND OF ITSELF will help make this a more subdued experience. As time goes by and I get distance (ha!) from my old cold distant therapist (henceforth to be known as OCDT), the out of control rage and longing to make things "work" gets abated some....I'm starting to see the whole thing as exposure therapy.

I like the notion of a controlled burn. The flames are still needed but no houses are going to get sacrificed. go with this analogy! When people do controlled burns, they have fire trucks standing by. They know wind directions. The lay of the land. What aspects of your emotion response can be predicted? What strategies willl you bring to bear if things flare too much...and how will you know. I think you may even want to bring this analogy to the atention of your new T.

This strikes me as good thinking and real awareness. Plus, I like the image, being an air sign myself....

A controlled burn sounds nice. But I think allowing our strong emotions out Is fine if met and held my the therapist. That strong burn is only because no one modelled containment. A good therapist can contain those feelings for you no matter how awful it felt for me the exPereince of a fast burn did work for me.

my T once told me that to go slow because she didn't want to retramatize me.it sounds like this is what you are worried about.if you trust your T to take it at a pace that you can handle.

i don't really think i have much words of wisdom. but i feel for you. i would say that try not to stay so detatched, i don't think you'll keep making progress if you continue to intellectualise. what did you new T say when you talked about this?

To use a rodeo analogy, I think ex-T got thrown off as soon as the gate was opened. New T looks like he can make it the whole 8 seconds. Doesn't mean the bull is any calmer (what do you want, i'm a yankee!)

He doesn't really know what to expect and I told him HOT MESS. He is very good with me and goes above and beyond. My head trust him, my heart is afraid to be that vulnerable especially with a man so close to my age... he is up for the challenge and said I should be too.

I did but I love your elaboration, so I'm officially stealing it and running with it.. thanks

I think slow is a good thing.

I m not trying to force it... Just the opposite. I'm stopping it. I either avoid the tough subjects or deflect or move on if I feel myself getting weepy eyed or emotional.

Yea Lola, I have been doing that a lot with my current t. Other T's wanted to dig too deep, and I would loose it. I think I need to keep things contained and stable.
I like what granite said about retraumatization. It is a real thing.

I am sure your t recognizes when you deflect and/or avoid. Ask him about it.

((((Lola)))) I feel like I'm at odds with myself. T1 I felt very attached to and loved/love her. I moved on because I needed a T who specialized in trauma. It was hard leaving her but I couldn't get anything else from her.

T2 I've been seeing for about 4 months and the first few times I met her I felt like I had my head screwed on tight and presented myself as a normal person. Now it's a whole other ball game. As time has passed and we have done some work I have these feelings of attachment that are showing up again and I'm hating it. I feel like a wreck emotionally and I'm afraid of T2 for one big reason:

Getting attached and having to say goodbye/getting hurt.

As I feel these emotions 'take over' I try to hide them even more from her and in the process I do stupid things like send an email that's negative in tone and tomorrow I will be telling her I'm angry at her along with apologizing for not being honest about what/how I was feeling in my last appointment. I feel so much anger and hurt right now and I wish it would go away. Sorry for the long post but just so you know I'm here.

I'm being proactive this time and just emailed T saying I'm afraid to be hurt or abandon by him. Maybe those feelings of hurt and anger are really for T1? I'm gonna be open and honest this go around.

i think being honest is a good idea. it's really hard though so well done for getting those feelings out there!

For me, slow is working. T has gotten impatient with me a couple of times and pushed, but ultimately, she knows that I will get to it when I'm ready. I'm having the odd conundrum that I am feeling better, so I question if I need to keep going, but T assures me that I do, that feeling even better is possible if I work through it and let it go. She said that means at times I will feel worse, but as continued healing occurs, I will feel better and better. That has been true so far.

I like the notion of a controlled burn. Good analogy!

How long have you been seeing this new therapist, Lola?

5 1/2 months... But I'm doing T different this time. Honesty all the time, no fear!

Good for you!

me, too!

I think 5.5 months is not a very long time. You're still working out trust at this point. Everybody else covered it, but I think slow is a good thing, too.

My T says, "You ain't seen nothing yet!"

T emailed back and let me just say.. honesty seems to work for me... He rocks, I'm keeping this one.

Also 5 1/2 months 2 times a week and daily emails... I think that makes a difference.