[wotchermuggle]

Do you ever wish that you could replace your T with someone from your family? I wish I just had a family member, or even a friend, who would actually just listen and try to understand me or how my day was.

My T is great, but I need more.

[meleenee]

I understand that. Having a good support system around you is essential for anyone. And if you don't feel like anyone around you cares, that's lonely and isolating. Is there any way you can try to communicate with those around you more about these needs? Or perhaps offer them to them in hopes they'll offer them to you? Or maybe it's time to make an effort to make new friends that can also offer you these things? No one likes feeling alone.
At least you know you have us on the boards, and your T.

[trdleblue]

I've never wished that my T was part of my family, or a friend, but I definitely know the feeling of needing more. Something I eventually would like to get out of therapy is being able to form actual friendships that are healthy. I'm not sure if there is much hope with my family.

[lostmyway21]

Yes. My T often tells me he can't be what I want him to be. I want him to be more. I want him to be my parent for keeps.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by trdleblue

I've never wished that my T was part of my family, or a friend, but I definitely know the feeling of needing more. Something I eventually would like to get out of therapy is being able to form actual friendships that are healthy. I'm not sure if there is much hope with my family.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Yes. My T often tells me he can't be what I want him to be. I want him to be more. I want him to be my parent for keeps.

Sorry, I didn't mean I wanted my T to BE my family, but rather I wanted my family to be more understanding like my T and actually listen to me rather than nodding and pretending to listen.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by meleenee

I understand that. Having a good support system around you is essential for anyone. And if you don't feel like anyone around you cares, that's lonely and isolating. Is there any way you can try to communicate with those around you more about these needs? Or perhaps offer them to them in hopes they'll offer them to you? Or maybe it's time to make an effort to make new friends that can also offer you these things? No one likes feeling alone.
At least you know you have us on the boards, and your T.

Thanks for understanding.

I tried talking to my mom tonight, and hence the post about people not listening.

[trdleblue]

Yup - my tired eyes did not read that right. Sorry.

And sorry that your conversation didn't go well with your Mom.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by trdleblue

Yup - my tired eyes did not read that right. Sorry.

And sorry that your conversation didn't go well with your Mom.

No worries.

I keep telling myself that if I approach conversations differently things will change, but they don't. I guess I should just get over the fact she won't be the person I want her to be. I guess it's selfish to want that, but I guess it's hard not to want at least one person to care IRL.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Sorry, I didn't mean I wanted my T to BE my family, but rather I wanted my family to be more understanding like my T and actually listen to me rather than nodding and pretending to listen.

Oops sorry

no way no how!!!!! cant stand our family except husband and son

[unaluna]

hmm. i've always felt like friendships turn into these huge BURDENS - people always WANT something from you and it's just EXHAUSTING. but as my r/s with T improves - as I get less afraid of being straight with him and just saying what i'm feeling - i'm feeling less afraid of other r/s's. feeling like I WILL be able to get up and walk away, I won't get stuck somewhere bad forever so my only recourse is to be alone. I know my parents viewed me as a burden, that there was something wrong with me (and they were just waiting for me to get married), so that's how I see others, but T sees me as a delight - or at least he acts like he does! so now I don't feel so much like the other person has stacked the deck against me, aces up his sleeve, so I can never win. the playing field IS leveled. so - interesting post - why are our current r/s unsatisfying, can we fix them or do we need new ones? or couples counseling?

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Do you ever wish that you could replace your T with someone from your family? I wish I just had a family member, or even a friend, who would actually just listen and try to understand me or how my day was.

My T is great, but I need more.

I actually like having a therapist that isn`t part of my family. I think I really like the total selfishness of it. It`s so nice to have this one place where it`s all about me, and I don`t have to reciprocate anything. I don`t think a family or friend relationship can provide such a thing.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

I actually like having a therapist that isn`t part of my family. I think I really like the total selfishness of it. It`s so nice to have this one place where it`s all about me, and I don`t have to reciprocate anything. I don`t think a family or friend relationship can provide such a thing.

I definitely agree that the therapeutic relationship isn't going to happen outside of the session. I'm hoping that some type of understanding and ability to listen to another person can though.

[kiki86]

weirdly i have never felt that. i've wished that T was my friend sometimes but somehow i've never wished for my friends or family to be more like T or even be more understanding. I think i just can't associate them with that kind of support.

[elliemay]

No, the therapeutic relationship is very hard to duplicate outside of therapy. It is incredibly hard to find someone, even our parents, who are able to put themselves aside and totally engage in you.

I think that one of the reason the relationship with our therapists works is because they do not have a stake in our lives at all. What we do or do not do really doesn't affect them much either way.

The same can not be said of our friends and family. What happens to us can affect them and in a big way. It's hard for them to separate themselves from us. Totally understandable when you think about it.

[Perna]

I don't know how big a family you have but I'd look through, in your mind, all your aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and see if you cannot find a compatible soul. I have an aunt (she's 91 now) who was very helpful to me as I was working on my life issues. She and I wrote each other for a couple years and my therapist and I worked with things my aunt told me about my family, etc.

[wotchermuggle]

I think maybe people are confusing what I've said. I don't want my therapist to be my friend or family member, I just wish I had someone who wasn't a therapist, who could actually listen to me wholeheartedly.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

hmm. i've always felt like friendships turn into these huge BURDENS - people always WANT something from you and it's just EXHAUSTING.

This. I have a HUGE HUGE problem with this. Even with people that I know wouldn't do this. I need to rewire the part of my brain that automatically goes in this mode anytime someone wants to do something with me. I have told T2 about this problem & he seemed to get it, so we'll see.

I have no expectation that anyone in my family will change. I know what they're up against. I'm a lot like them & this is hard stuff to change. None of them really want to change.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I have no expectation that anyone in my family will change. I know what they're up against. I'm a lot like them & this is hard stuff to change. None of them really want to change.

I wish I could accept the same. I so badly want things to be different.