[autumnleaves]

At this week's session, my T came close to tears while telling me that she thought something I expressed to her was sad. It was awkward for me. I didn't know what to do or say. Anyone else have an experience like this?

[LotusBloom]

Hi Automnleaves. Yes, once when I was discribing a very painful memory from when I was seven (my birthday actually), and when I looked up my T was teary-eyed. I was actually shocked that someone could have such a viseral response to my pain, and I quickly turned the conversation to something a bit lighter just to get him to smile.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by autumnleaves

At this week's session, my T came close to tears while telling me that she thought something I expressed to her was sad. It was awkward for me. I didn't know what to do or say. Anyone else have an experience like this?

It's happened a couple of times with me.. both times it was when I wasn't looking at my therapist.. I was wholly lost in describing traumatic events. When I looked up, I saw tears in her eyes. I'm not altogether sure that it was just a response to a painful story. I think it might have been more that she was deeply moved by the sacredness of the moment. She has always said that when I've shared my pain with her, she considers it a precious gift that she feels deeply honored to be given the privilege to be trusted to hold.

[ECHOES]

I initially felt awkward and very guilty, as if I hurt her. I don't feel that as strongly now, but a bit. Mostly I feel even more connected with her when I see her tear up. I am amazed that anyone could, or would, really hear me and be affected by me.

No not T having tears because that would take away from what I'm feeling. I've have experienced her deep compassion and been able to take that and internalise it so I can have that compassion for that part of me too.

[SoupDragon]

Yes once I was talking about something that had happened to me, I looked at T and T had tears in his eyes and said he had also experienced that - I felt guilty for making T sad but also cross - I didn't want to feel burdened with his stuff too. But now I see it differently and view it as positive that I am not the only one who feels sad about things happening in life. Also that T could truly empathise.

Only once has this happened that I'm aware of. The weeks before my sister's death things deteriorated for her very quickly, and it hit me that her death was imminent. I started grieving for her even before she was gone. In on particular session, the tears came and I just sobbed and sobbed as we talked about her. I realized T was repeatedly wiping his eyes during that session. At some point (maybe it was during that session but I can't quite remember), he told me about losing his cousin some 30 years ago very suddenly in a car accident. The were very close, as close as brothers, definitely closer than he and his own brother. My intense grief over losing my sister brought back those memories for him, and that is what was going on during that session for him. On occasion he comes back to that cousin as we talk about my sister. It is a shared understanding of that kind of intense grief that we have, and that reassures me that he truly empathizes with that kind of pain.

[anilam]

Yep I was describing stg and looked up and saw my T had tears in his eyes.
I'm not proud to admit it but I reacted pretty badly- told him stg along the lines that he's not a good T...
IDK I was just so angry at him. I don't cry, ever, and there's my T (a male!) showing his emotions? I see now that this is a area I might need to work on.

[kiki86]

my T hasn't ever cried or been teary eyed (but then i don't really have any sad stories either) but i can tell when he's angry with someone for something they said/did to me that i might be talking about. he tries to have a poker face but i can always tell lol.

[sunrise]

Yes, I have had that happen. He is a very empathetic guy. It does not discourage me from being sad. If we see our T get sad because we are saying something and we try to make him feel better, that reveals a fruitful area to work on because we are probably doing similar with others in our lives. I respect my T's feeling sad in response to what he is hearing; I would not want to shut down the space we have created between us that allows that.

My T has gotten teary eyed on several occasions. Sometimes, it just perplexes me -- like he asked me to describe a typical day in my childhood, and then he gets TEARY about it -- and it was just a NORMAL day for me. I actually posted about that here because I just didn't get it.

Another time, I was talking about one of the times my mom was nice to me. I was in trouble and was supposed to stay in my room, but I was actually sick and I had to throw up and didn't make it to the bathroom before throwing up. I was afraid to leave my room, so waited too long. Anyway, my mom didn't get mad about the mess on the hall floor, she just helped me clean it up. My T cried about that, and was really angry, saying that the hardest part of hearing that was I didn't even know how sad it was. And I was sitting there, 'wait, what? How is that sad?' It wasn't until he asked me to picture that whole scenario with a different child that I realized it was pretty sad.

A few other times, he's teared up and it makes sense. I'm describing something horrible. What I'm realizing as I type this is that if I'm really sad, or crying, he DOESN'T cry. It's like he's concentrating more on my feelings. It's when I cannot or do not feel anything about what I'm talking about that he gets teary. Hmmm. I might have to think about that difference more. I wonder if it's some weird T trick, or if part of what makes him sad is that I don't even know that what I'm describing is sad, or abnormal (like the story from the first paragraph).

Oh, and once he teared up when we were discussing my transference issues. I was saying that I KNOW the boundaries of the relationship and won't stomp on them. I told him I love him in the 'I want you to have a wonderful life and a great career and I want you to be really happy' kind of I love you, and not the 'I have to have you no matter how much it trashes your life' kind of I love you. And he got all teary.

[unaluna]

Seems like my T is always cryin'. it was kinda weird at first, but now it feels like part of us, of what we do, how we are together.

yes, i was telling a story of my past and t started crying. i felt so guiltly, thinking i'm sooo bad i can make a t cry. i remember asking him "why are you crying?" and him answering "because i'm sad"
i was so new to therapy i never even asked him why he was sad. just left it at that.

[pbutton]

Yes, this has happened twice. The first time it scared the crap out if me. I was just telling him something, I wasn't all that upset about it. I was shocked when I looked up and he was teary eyed. I immediately changed the subject.

This has happened a few times to me...once with old t, a few times with this t. She has a big heart. Once we were telling her details about abuse stuff. One was last summer when she was getting ready to leave the country, and she didnt want to tell us she was leaving so she texted it on my iphone and we started crying and so did she because it was hard news to give. Another time was when she came home after seven months, and one of the littler alters was so happy to see her that she cried in relief, and then t started crying too.then we both cried when she had to leave the country again.

[scorpiosis37]

Yes, my T has gotten teary eyed on just a few occasions-- twice when I was talking about specific trauma, once when I was talking about not having a mom, and once when I was talking about how my relationship with her has helped heal some of the pain of not having a mom. She didn't get the point of crying; she just had a tear or two that she then pushed back, leaving red rims around her eyes. She didn't acknowledge that she was pushing back tears, but she did say things like "what you shared really touched me" and "It makes me so angry that someone put you through that," "I wish things had been different for you," and "I wish someone could have protected you."

It seems a lot of others have had a negative reaction to seeing their Ts get teary-eyed, but my reaction was entirely positive. I really appreciated that I could SEE her reaction and that she voiced how she felt in response to what I shared. I found it incredibly therapeutic because she validated my experience. She validated that what happened to me was wrong, and she showed me that someone else could care about me enough to be upset by what happened to me. No one else in my life has ever expressed remorse or regret that I had to go through those things. My dad, my sister, and my ex all minimized my experiences and told me that I should "get over it." Seeing my T start to tear up when I told her what happened showed me that it was a big deal and that I deserved to have feelings about it and not just "get over it."

For me, when T starts to tear up a bit, I don't see it as her giving in to her feelings or putting her feelings on me, or making it about her in any way-- I see it as her demonstrating how much she cares about me. She's in touch with my experience and my feelings, and she's showing me how significant they are. If they can have that impact on her, then I know it's "okay" for me to acknowledge the impact they've had on me. It me feel justified and it make me feel cared about.

[autotelica]

I don't communicate well enough to make my therapist cry. Plus, she's already told me that it is hard for her to emphathize with me (sympathize, yes, but not really understand).

I think I would totally freak out if she started crying. I'd probably try to jump out of the window!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

A few other times, he's teared up and it makes sense. I'm describing something horrible. What I'm realizing as I type this is that if I'm really sad, or crying, he DOESN'T cry. It's like he's concentrating more on my feelings. It's when I cannot or do not feel anything about what I'm talking about that he gets teary. Hmmm. I might have to think about that difference more. I wonder if it's some weird T trick, or if part of what makes him sad is that I don't even know that what I'm describing is sad, or abnormal (like the story from the first paragraph).

I have been thinking more about this. Mine never seems teary when I am crying. Only when I'm calm. Is this a trend??

[peridot28]

My therapist is a crier. This past week in my session as I was telling her how much I've progressed and how happy I am, she was so, so proud of me that it just made her cry, several times. I thought it was sweet. I could see tears streaming down her cheek in a continuous stream. But, my relationship with my therapist is not a typical relationship. She is like a mom to me, and we don't have issues with boundaries. My relationship with her is not a struggle at all. I don't view any part of my therapy as negative, and it breaks my heart to hear how some therapists treat their clients when I have this warm, loving, compassionate therapist who wants nothing but the very best for me. Her crying doesn't feel at all awkward to me. If feels validating.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My T has gotten teary eyed on several occasions. Sometimes, it just perplexes me -- like he asked me to describe a typical day in my childhood, and then he gets TEARY about it -- and it was just a NORMAL day for me. I actually posted about that here because I just didn't get it.

Another time, I was talking about one of the times my mom was nice to me. I was in trouble and was supposed to stay in my room, but I was actually sick and I had to throw up and didn't make it to the bathroom before throwing up. I was afraid to leave my room, so waited too long. Anyway, my mom didn't get mad about the mess on the hall floor, she just helped me clean it up. My T cried about that, and was really angry, saying that the hardest part of hearing that was I didn't even know how sad it was. And I was sitting there, 'wait, what? How is that sad?' It wasn't until he asked me to picture that whole scenario with a different child that I realized it was pretty sad.

A few other times, he's teared up and it makes sense. I'm describing something horrible. What I'm realizing as I type this is that if I'm really sad, or crying, he DOESN'T cry. It's like he's concentrating more on my feelings. It's when I cannot or do not feel anything about what I'm talking about that he gets teary. Hmmm. I might have to think about that difference more. I wonder if it's some weird T trick, or if part of what makes him sad is that I don't even know that what I'm describing is sad, or abnormal (like the story from the first paragraph).

Oh, and once he teared up when we were discussing my transference issues. I was saying that I KNOW the boundaries of the relationship and won't stomp on them. I told him I love him in the 'I want you to have a wonderful life and a great career and I want you to be really happy' kind of I love you, and not the 'I have to have you no matter how much it trashes your life' kind of I love you. And he got all teary.

Not to take the thread too off-topic, but I said "thank you" for the last paragraph, because you put into words really well what I've been trying to identify as my own feelings about my therapist.

And on topic, I don't think my t has gotten teary, though thinking about it there have been a few times that I noticed his eyes got a little red or he wiped at them. I'm usually so preoccupied with what I'm talking about that it doesn't sink in until later, though, when I think "Did he just have allergies, maybe got watery-eyed holding back a yawn or were those tears?"

[autumnleaves]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

[granite1]

i think i would run if my T had tears in her eyes.i would then totally think that she couldnt handle hearing what i had to say at all

[critterlady]

My T hasn't cried in my sessions that I know of - I don't look at him all that much during particularly emotional discussions. I have seen him wince a couple of times. That's hard to see. You know what you're saying is pretty bad when your therapist winces.

When my T has tears in her eyes it brings up a slightly mixed reaction (she's never cried in front of me, just can see her tearing up). Foremost, I'm so touched that she would tear up when I'm talking about my pain--shows that she genuinely cares and is with me. We've talked about her tears; she said that they mean that she deeply cares about me and loves me. But then there's a small part of me that feels badly that I've "made her cry." But, I know that this small part is my own difficult relationship with crying--seeing it as a weakness and something that makes one vulnerable in a bad way and the fear of seeing my parents cry. But Iv'e learned that crying is truly not a weakness. Nevertheless I still am struggling with crying in front of her... I tear up, but no real crying, despite the safe environment she creates. I agree with periodot, her tears are validating and not awkward.

I don't think that her tears have anything to do w/ not being able to handle hearing what I'm saying. Ts are humans, too, and tears/crying is a natural, healthy response to emotion. In fact, I occasionally am miffed just a little when I don't see her tear up when I'm hurting...

I wonder if having difficulties with seeing T tear up or crying is more about our own relationship w/ crying? Whether it was scary to see our parents cry or whether we suppress emotions and don't cry ourselves.

[unaluna]

the times i've asked him about it, he said he was reminded of something from his own past. that is a lot of what they are doing as they are "just sitting" there - they are noting what feelings and associations our words and body language are bringing forth in themselves - that is how they get to the unconscious motivations and reactions behind our behavior - it's really not just what we are literally saying to them. We might not SAY we're afraid, for example, but they pick up on the sense of fear.