[kiki86]

so as i posted here earlier in the week i gave my t a letter on tuesday because he's leaving for another rotation, next tuesday is my final session with him.

so t and i talked a lot about me not wanting to tell people my feelings because i don't want to seem needy or vulnerable. so this letter i wrote was full of all my mushy feelings for t and now i'm just so embarrassed thinking about it. i'm dreading my final session because i think he's going to say something embarrassing that will make me feel really stupid for being so attached to him.

i just can't help but feel that he must think i'm so pathetic and stupid.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by kiki86

so as i posted here earlier in the week i gave my t a letter on tuesday because he's leaving for another rotation, next tuesday is my final session with him.

so t and i talked a lot about me not wanting to tell people my feelings because i don't want to seem needy or vulnerable. so this letter i wrote was full of all my mushy feelings for t and now i'm just so embarrassed thinking about it. i'm dreading my final session because i think he's going to say something embarrassing that will make me feel really stupid for being so attached to him.

i just can't help but feel that he must think i'm so pathetic and stupid.

I'm sure he will not think you are pathetic and stupid. He will be grateful and appreciative that you took the time to express your feelings. It's okay to be attached to your T, I have sent many mushy emails to T and I have never died of embarrassment. No matter how much I thought I would. It will be okay.

[ECHOES]

i just can't help but feel that he must think i'm so pathetic and stupid.

Remember that this your thought, not his.

I imagine him having positive thoughts and he will feel touched, appreciated, cared for, and that his time with you touched you and was meaningful.

[kiki86]

thanks you guys. i really needed to hear that. i'm probably going to have read this over and over before tuesday!!

[pbutton]

In my session today, T2 asked if I'd discussed my relationship with T1. I said not really, that T1 had talked about it, but I hadn't really said much. T2 suggested that maybe I write a letter about my feelings and give it to T1 at the end of my last session. T2 said he's often had people do that because ending therapy is so hard.

So there you go. My new T thinks it's a good idea. T's don't think emotional letters are stupid. The fact that he knows how hard it is for you to express those feelings probably makes it even MORE touching to him.

(Incidentally my reaction today was to start crying and saying no way could I be that needy. so I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. )

If you're pathetic and stupid, then so am I and so are a slew of people on this forum!! No, of course you're not!!! Getting attached is completely normal, and I think your T will be touched by your letter.

Since you say you find it difficult to tell people your feelings, I think you're very brave to do that. And since T knows too, I think it will make him feel good that you were able to do that and that therapy has helped you. Of course you're nervous because you're doing that's hard for you, but you did it anyway. It's already Friday, so Tuesday is not that far away.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by kiki86

so as i posted here earlier in the week i gave my t a letter on tuesday because he's leaving for another rotation, next tuesday is my final session with him.

so t and i talked a lot about me not wanting to tell people my feelings because i don't want to seem needy or vulnerable. so this letter i wrote was full of all my mushy feelings for t and now i'm just so embarrassed thinking about it. i'm dreading my final session because i think he's going to say something embarrassing that will make me feel really stupid for being so attached to him.

i just can't help but feel that he must think i'm so pathetic and stupid.

Most therapists, and especially those more recently trained, see attachment as progress. I can`t imagine him thinking you`re pathetic. Rather, your attachment is like a gift to him. It tells him he has been effective.

So don`t worry yourself!

[Wren_]

more likely he will appreciate your courage in sharing those feelings with him and be impressed with you ... i can relate to your feelings though ... sorry you have to part with him

[kiki86]

thanks everyone. i keep reminding myself of these responses whenever i start getting that embarrassed feeling!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by kiki86

i'm dreading my final session because i think he's going to say something embarrassing that will make me feel really stupid for being so attached to him.

i just can't help but feel that he must think i'm so pathetic and stupid.

So, which? I kind of assume (from my own experiences) that the "embarrassing" things he could say would be mushy stuff too, how much he enjoyed working with you?

Or, are you afraid of total rejection; he's going to criticize you for being attached to him? How does that go? What could he say that would be "embarrassing" in that way? I remember when I hung on my male 6th grade teacher's arm and called him "Daddy" and then he later came to my home and met with my stepmother about me (and made me ride home from school with him as he did not know the way); that was not the only problem I had :-)

Would it help you at all to think of it "clinically", you are attached to him, really like working with him, did not get "enough"/good modeling behavior from your father, etc.? When I think of my 6th grade behavior, it helps me to realize that it is not "now," it is an action/situation in the past. It is an expression of what was going on with me (and that my teacher and stepmother didn't quite "get" I don't think, but we're talking 1960-61ish; as a result of their conference, my teacher started calling me by my formal "given" first name instead of my nickname, confusing me no end because I had never been called by that name and only knew the "jokes" about calling children "Charles" instead of "Chuck", for example, meaning their mothers were mad at them?).

Remind yourself you have no experience in this sort of situation so you cannot respond in a right/wrong or good/bad way because you cannot know anything about such situation having never been in it before! Notice what your T actually says/does when you meet again, I bet it will be more polished than what you said? He's worked in this sort of situation before, he has had time to feel, think, respond, have feedback on different responses, rethink, etc. so his perspective is broader than ours? In 6th grade, I was a 10-12 year old child of the 1950's; my father loved me but was not that engaged in my upbringing, saw me for dinner each night and an activity or two on weekends and that was it? Even if my father had been more engaged with me as a child of that age, I know of no other person of my era who had a male elementary school teacher! How could I know how to respond to him, how could I have learned to? How would you respond to an aardvark?

[pbutton]

Pardon me for butting in this thread but it has helped me realize that my big fear is that I'd be all "I am going to miss you" and it will force him to act like he gives a crap, when in reality he is just waiting for me to leave his office so he can be done with me.

Just thinking about it is absolutely mortifying. I don't want to force myself on anyone like that. I certainly HATE it when people do it to me.

[Perna]

Telling another how you feel, pbutton is always a gift to them! If they respond any differently, they are the ones who have a problem, not you.

Someone telling you how they feel about you, it can feel scary because, in my case, I am uncertain how to respond but good, or bad, we know where we stand with them, they have shared themselves with us and we have a bit of information to see how others are perceiving us (so, if they say specific things we perceive as problems, we can fix them). Those are all good things.

What I learned with T is that my saying "I am going to miss you" I can trust I will get a genuine response so I can learn to work with the scary stuff and/or learn that T can be trusted to be herself and tell me exactly what she feels, not "pretend". Lots of people do seem to pretend and learning to tell who is and who is not and what I'm feeling and how my responses interact with others, all that is why I love therapy.

[kiki86]

Or, are you afraid of total rejection; he's going to criticize you for being attached to him?

this is what i'm afraid of. and what you said too pbutton. that he'll secretly be laughing at how stupid i am for being so fond of him when he thinks i'm rubbish.

your insights are very helpful perna, thank you.

i know this is MY issue and that T probably doesn't really think these things. i think for me it goes back to school days when i was very isolated and sometimes the other kids would be nice to me for a day and then go back to ignoring me for months on end.

but i was very young and when they were nice to me i was so grateful and i trusted it so quickly and always got burned. so i think i developed this subconscious idea that even if someone is nice to you that doesn't mean they like you and they could be laughing at you behind your back.

at least that is the connection i've been thinking of a lot this week.

you don't know how much i appreciate all your thoughtful comments.

[geez]

((kiKi)) Keep us posted and please don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done). Being attached to T isn't a bad thing btw If it's a healthy therapeutic relationship that gives us a space to heal than what isn't to love about that?

PS - I can relate to your experience in school. Many hugs!!

[kiki86]

thanks! sorry you had a similar experience. i know how humiliating it can feel.

we'll see on tuesday how things turn out i suppose. but i feel much better knowing how no one else thinks i've done anything to be embarrassed about.

[geez]

Originally Posted by kiki86

thanks! sorry you had a similar experience. i know how humiliating it can feel.

we'll see on tuesday how things turn out i suppose. but i feel much better knowing how no one else thinks i've done anything to be embarrassed about.

Keep us posted and if you need a pocket rider I'm there!
I'll be thinking of you during my appointment on Thursday!

[kiki86]

thanks that's sweet! i'll keep you in my pocket for tuesday then.

[WikidPissah]

I don't think you should be embarrassed either. I have read about many, many people sharing feelings with their t's and it generally works out well. Best of luck!

Good-byes are hard for many of us. I hope you will give your T your beautiful, heartfelt note. I can only imagine how much he will appreciate not only the lovely sentiments, but the acknowlegment from another human being that has grown and benefitted from the relationship....what better gift? xx
Rose

[sittingatwatersedge]

Kiki

thinking of you today.

[pbutton]

I wish I had wise words for you.

[taylor43]

Thinking of you today. Hope you had a better session. ((((((((((Hugs)))))))

[kiki86]

just wanted to update and let everyone who helped me know that things worked out fine. T said he really appreciated my letter and i didn't feel too embarrassed.

will update later about how the whole "last session" thing went but i'm not ready to talk about it yet.

thanks again everyone!

Hope you are doing ok Kiki??

[pbutton]

I am thinking of you. Partially because it sure beats the hell out of feeling sorry for myself. lol