[Indie'sOK]

I know I've been complaining a lot about this lately, but can I just sit here for awhile? The "Fat Lady" thread brought up a lot for me (not a bad thing; it needed to come out).

I'm not usually so vulnerable. I don't try to be - not here, and not in therapy. But that's the place where it would help if I could let down my guard.

I'm overweight - many of you have heard me say this and you know how low my self-esteem is about it. Most of you probably don't even give a crap because you aren't so shallow to judge me for it. I wouldn't care if I were just an observer reading this post. I'd say "So what? You're heavy. Makes no difference to me". I guess it feels different the other way around.

Anyway, here's the story I came to post. I saw T today. It was a good session, very deep and analytical, I guess. Towards the end, she brought up something I've been trying to avoid.

(As best as I can remember our conversation)
T: So you tell me, what do you think we need to work on?
Me: Well, I'd like to discuss my Asperger's more - I really think it's helping. Then there's the, erm...body issues thing.
T: Do you think you'll be able to? Remember what you told me about not feeling like I can understand what you're going through...Would you feel better discussing it with a different clinician? I can do that for you.
Me: No, no. I don't want that. I know that I have to work through this with you, because you're the person I'm projecting all these feelings onto.
T: Right. Well, I'm glad you see it that way...

Our conversation went somewhere along those lines. My therapist is very fit. She's the gym-type. On a conscious level, I know she would never judge my appearance and that all I'm doing is projecting my fear of judgement onto her.

I don't want to work with anyone else but her. I adore her. But I can't figure out why I can't get past the fear that she finds me disgusting. Logic tells me she never would, but logic takes a back seat here.

I used to be so open and honest with her and had no problem letting my guard down. Once the subject turned to body issues, I immediately locked up. I feel so much shame when I cry in therapy, when I discuss how much I hate the way I look. I feel awful because she has no idea what's going on...she doesn't know how to help me. All I want is to go back to that place I used to be, back when we did EMDR and I completely broke down and lost it...and she was perfectly ok with that.

I'm so sorry. I'm not being an attention-seeker by posting this - I legitimately need help. I don't know what to do.

No, wait...I know one thing. I'll print this off and bring it to her. She'll have to read it or else I'll just lock up even more. I don't get where these feelings of shame are coming from.

How come I've never had a problem with this before? Did I hit on a major issue here or am I just being stupidly over-emotional about it?

I hope I'm not complaining about this too much. I just need some help for a second.

I hear what you are saying, Indie. This is terribly difficult for you, and you're doing a brave thing in bringing it up. Maybe it gets even harder because you remember it being easy to be open about things? (This is just me guessing here - I might be completely wrong.)

My uninformed opinion on this is that it's probably the best thing for you to work on this together with your T rather than get a referral to somebody else - but if, in six months' time, or a year, or however long it may be, you still feel that she doesn't get it, then maybe this one thing is something she can't quite help you with, for whatever reason. And then maybe you might reconsider her offer. There's no shame attached to that. But making a honest effort to let her help you, first, sounds like the best plan for you right now.

I haven't seen you complain about this, I've only seen you air an issue that is important to you. Please keep posting.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you Apteryx Yes, you are right on the money by saying that it's hard because I remember being open in the past. I recall one session in particular when we were doing EMDR. She was sitting close to me, and I just felt so much affection. It felt like I could react any way I wanted/needed to and it wouldn't matter to her. It was such an amazing feeling.

It hurts to think of leaving her (that's another issue entirely). I feel like she gets it, though. She understands even if she's never gone through the experience herself. I guess I wish she had gone through it herself. I told her that just because she's never dealt with weight issues in the past does not mean she hasn't felt the same grief and hatred over a different perceived problem with her body. She probably can relate even if it isn't the same issue.

I'm typing out a long journal entry of sorts on all my feelings surrounding this issue. How I believe I came to hate my appearance, what it feels like to fear her judgement, etc. I can post it here when I'm finished if you guys want to read it.

[WikidPissah]

Indy...you aren't the attention seeking type, and I always appreciate anything you post. It is good this is coming up for you. It's coming up for me as well. (that thread was difficult to read). Body image is the one issue that comes closest to being a "universal trigger." So, most women (and many men) will totally get where you are coming from. There is a tremendous amount of shame in being overweight in a weight conscious world.

I hope you and your t can work thru this. I am interested in knowing how it goes. (I don't think I can work thru it with my current t)

[Nelliecat]

I do understand where you're coming from, body issues are terribly hard for me to talk about with my T too. I was just wondering, has your therapist always been fit and slim? Just thinking............

Indy, please don't feel like you're attention seeking. This is clearly a painful issue for you and there's a difference between asking for support you need to get to where you can actually work on the issue, and just seeking attention. Anyway, I GET this completely. What you write makes so much sense. My therapist specializes in working with obese patients and yet I never discuss my body issues or my weight with him. He even offered once when I made some comment - told me about he specializes in this area and do I want to discuss it. I just said NO. He is so fit and so attractive, there's no way I want to discuss how disgusting I think I am with him. So, yeah, that is a really long post to say I empathize. Got no advice on the matter though. LOL. It think the idea of printing out what you wrote and taking it to her is a great idea.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you everyone. I just emailed her about a different issue, so I don't think I upset her or anything yesterday. I hate email - her messages come across as cold, just as mine do. I would rather not discuss this with her until I can do it in person.

Nellie - I think she always has, at least that's how she comes across.

I just want to get back to the secure place we used to be in.

[critterlady]

Oh, Indie, I so get this.

I do think that body image issues are common in women, no matter what our size is. Sometimes the trimmest women are the ones that the biggest issues. So I bet anything that your T will be able to help you.

For me, it's the one thing I haven't talked to my T about yet. I've told him about CSA and other things that have been incredibly difficult to talk about, but I haven't been able to talk to him about how I've gained 15 pounds in the 3 months since my mother died. Not that it's not obvious that I'm a large woman to start with, but it's just too raw for me right now.

My T also has a specialty in eating disorders and obesity, so I will talk to him, but I really understand feeling shame about it.

Hang in there - I think it's a great idea to print out your post for your T. It'll get the conversation started.

[geez]

(((Indie))) I'm now age 40 and I was obese from the age of 8 to 38. I lost 80lbs, I run, bike, exercise 5 - 6 days a week and I'm still not happy. I need to lose the last 10 and yet it feels on the inside like I still have 80lbs to lose. On the outside I look physically fit and I eat a really healthy/clean balanced diet... but I'm not happy with my physical self. Being physically fit does not automatically = happiness or positive body image (at least in my case).

AND get this....

My T is overweight and when I first met her I didn't like her because she reminded me of me (my old body). (I never shared that with her) Of course the dislike didn't last long because I saw past all of that after the first few visits and I really like her (which I'm not happy about for other reasons of attachement). Unfortunately my T doesn't specialize in body image issues (I picked her for trauma therapy) so I'm not sure how she could help me. Ironically I'm a health and exercise science major LOL!!

I would love to read your journal entry if you are comfortable sharing.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you critterlady and geez.

Geez - sure, I'll post it here when I'm done writing it. This might take a few days as I'm only doing it when I feel the bad feelings rise up. I'm trying to get as "deep" into this as possible....any suggestions for questions I can ask myself to get even deeper?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Indie, the 'why now and not before' may just be part of the therapy cycle; you work on what you need to at the moment. things have a way of coming back around. maybe you needed extra trust to start on this, it cuts so deeply. but now that the subject is out, that alone makes it a little easier.

you are very courageous.

[Nelliecat]

Hi Indie, just wondering how you're doing and what's going on for you now. I do really feel for you

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you soooo much Nellie and SAWE....that does make sense and I'll probably bring it up with her that I wish I could feel that level of safety again.

Nellie...I'm doing alright, want to keep working on my letter. I'll post it here soon

[Indie'sOK]

Here's the first part, you guys........it's not very long but I plan to add more.

As is typical for me, I will start out this lengthy letter with an apology. It’s been on my mind all day. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for blurting out “Are you going to call me fat?” during our last session. I think I misconstrued what you really meant and said the first thing that came to mind. See, what I heard was that you were going to have to make me uncomfortable by telling me things I didn’t want to hear in order to really help me. Naturally, what I said was my mind’s first reaction. Pay no attention to it. I have virtually no filter between my mind and my stupid mouth. I think it runs in my dad’s side of the family (joke).
I’m trying to think of how I want to word this. The reason I’m writing this for you to read is because it’s easier to take the time to consider my response on paper rather than when I’m in session and trying to formulate my thoughts and verbalize them at the same time.
So what I’m going to do is to try and write as deeply as I can about everything surrounding my body issues. I figure if I don’t write this and instead try to bring everything to you at once in session, I’ll get too embarrassed and start to mentally “lock up” and raise my guard before I even begin telling you this stuff. At least with this I can take it slow and organize my thoughts a little bit.
I’ll just let it all go, right now. Because, honestly, I’m sick of sugar coating my feelings to try to protect you. I don’t know why I do this. But I’ll tell you what it feels like when I’m at my worst.
On good days I look in the mirror and figure I’ve done as best I can with what I’ve got. I say to myself “I’m chunky – suck it up *****” and leave for school or wherever I’m going. Bad days are different. Today was a bad day. I’ll illustrate this by imagining myself sitting in your office. Do you remember that day last winter when I wore a coat inside the building? My anxiety creates a sort of self-heating system and makes wearing a jacket completely unnecessary. I even started the session off by mentioning how warm I was, yet I didn’t want to take my coat off. When you told me it was ok, I still refused. This went on for a few minutes. I think this is the first time you really got an idea of the degree to which I loathe my body. In my mind, it was better for me to sit there in the heat than to take my coat off and reveal more of myself than I felt was acceptable. And we’re talking about my arms, for crying out loud.
Anyway, I digress. I mean to tell you what was going on in my mind while this situation played out. I sat there and looked down at myself and felt so much shame. Just so much shame. I felt yucky and unlovable, like I didn’t understand how someone could see past my appearance and consider me attractive. I feel all these things even now. I can feel my body retracting into itself as if to try to appear smaller. I think this is a natural reaction because it happens automatically. My body cannot relax when face to face with another person.

[Silent_tsol]

I do the same thing with a blanket that you quite about doing with your jacket. I'm always under a blanket because I feel too exposed without it. People joke that in always cold Burr it has nothing to do with temperature. (((( Indie))))

I hate the way my arms look. I have deliberately found jackets to wear to therapy especially.

I am sorry that we missed this before. I think you did a great job of thinking through what you had to say and putting it out there.

[WikidPissah]

sorry I didn't respond. I don't know how I missed it.

I wear a cardigan in 100° weather. I have never taken my winter jacket off during t. I get it. I am so sorry that you go thru this to.

Indie, I think your letter is a good start to be able to describe what you feel. I always cover up in T. 90 degrees out and you can bet your bottom dollar I am going in jeans and a hoodie. She is so beautiful. She is also thin. I am not. So, I know where you are coming from.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you guys for your feedback and I'm sorry if I offended anyone in the Couch thread.

I wrote a bit more, just trying to detail as much as possible. The reason I'm going so deep into this is because it's so uncomfortable to share verbally. When I talk, I become self-conscious of my voice and I start to lock up. If I can get it on paper, it'll be easier to examine this stuff more deeply.

[Towanda]

Indie, I have been reading your posts for the first time today, and I just wanted to tell you that I admire you, and think you have incredible courage

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by Towanda

Indie, I have been reading your posts for the first time today, and I just wanted to tell you that I admire you, and think you have incredible courage

Thank you so much Towanda I hope so - we'll see!