We've had several threads over the last few months about not being about to cry in therapy (or some people have shared they cannot cry at all). I still just do not understand it and feel a bit frustrated. On Friday, I walked into therapy quite depressed and upset. The (non-verbal) child part of me was really present. T and I worked around this. The whole time I felt close to tears, but could not cry. Even at one point, after I said that I wish that I could cry, T came over and sat next to me on the sofa and she hugged me, hoping that it might help me to cry--this is the first time that she's done this. I maybe cried one tear, but then I froze. And I'm even wondering if this solitary tear came because she wasn't looking at me and not because she was hugging me. I felt a little frustrated about all of this after the appointment, but basically OK. However, today I have had tears rolling down my cheeks 2 times for inconsequential (to me, at least) things: the PSU announcement (I am not a CSA victim) and a silly TV show. But, things about my own life that are painful to ME every day--difficult family relationships, loneliness, mental illness--I can't seem to cry about.

Any thoughts? I know that I'll cry when the time is right (and my T isn't pressuring me), but I also feel like it was so needed during last Friday's appt and the Friday before that we had a double appt, sometimes I have a fear about starting to cry with no time left, so ample time to cry... Help!

[rainbow8]

I think you know by now that I identify with your situation but I can't help. I thought I would cry last week when we decided I should stop emailing my T, and when I talked about being more attached to her, not less, but the tears wouldn't come. They came later, as usual. T tells me it's okay to cry with her but I can't. Maybe some day we will both cry and then we'll have a party to celebrate. As for now, I don't know if there's anything we can do about it. If anyone has any new ideas, I'd like to know too.

[Wren_]

maybe some of it is connected with how much pressure you are putting on yourself? ... crying ... is a kind of release, but when you keep thinking about how you aren't crying; how it would help and so on, it seems like it would be very hard to get that needed release ...
if the tears aren't there could you maybe talk about the feelings of sadness and explore those and find another way of achieving some kind of release

I've known my T for 4 years, worked with her for almost 3 combined. I never cried until recently. There were so many sessions where I thought "I'm so going to cry"... But for me, crying does not feel ok. For me it makes me feel weak. Not weak in the sense other people use the word, but weak in terms of : my defenses come down, I feel helpless, I feel vulnerable. I finally cried a few weeks ago. I'm still in a major bout of depression and now I continue to cry in session. It happens when the time is right... I believe that. Now I do wish I could make it stop

[KazzaX]

How about watching a movie before you go to T that is one of those "makes you cry from start to finish" type of movies? Then when you go you are already in a crying mood. I dunno, just a whacky idea that came up just now, lol

Is crying important though? I have cried in many therapy sessions and it has no healing qualities. You just end up sitting there looking like a fool in front of the T, so it makes coming back next week a bit harder. If it had some kinda therepeutic value I could understand but it does not seem to.

[kiki86]

i have rarely cried in therapy. i've let couple of tears slip out a few times but i suck it in, so to speak. the only time i properly let go and bawled was when i found out that my T would be leaving for a new rotation elsewhere. the team thought i knew but i didn't and it was such a shock that i didn't have the control to hold back. i'd like to be that close to my feelings more often but i don't know how to do that.

[WikidPissah]

We (I) make crying into this big production, when it shouldn't be. If it happens it happens, but unless you are a manipulative drama queen (which I can tell you aren't), chances are you won't be able to force yourself into crying. Let it come when it comes. Why does it have to be in front of t?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think you know by now that I identify with your situation but I can't help. I thought I would cry last week when we decided I should stop emailing my T, and when I talked about being more attached to her, not less, but the tears wouldn't come. They came later, as usual. T tells me it's okay to cry with her but I can't. Maybe some day we will both cry and then we'll have a party to celebrate. As for now, I don't know if there's anything we can do about it. If anyone has any new ideas, I'd like to know too.

Thanks, rainbow. Yes, we will have a big party!
The thing is for me, the tears don't come later - they never come, so I feel "emotionally constipated." The tears over watching The Closer last night just don't count...

Originally Posted by tigergirl

maybe some of it is connected with how much pressure you are putting on yourself? ... crying ... is a kind of release, but when you keep thinking about how you aren't crying; how it would help and so on, it seems like it would be very hard to get that needed release ...
if the tears aren't there could you maybe talk about the feelings of sadness and explore those and find another way of achieving some kind of release

I think that the pressure could be part of it, though my T has been great about saying, it'll come when it comes and I've been pretty good about it, too. Yesterday was really the first day that I got frustrated about it, realizing that I'd cried twice over meaningless things after this going on for years...

Originally Posted by stormyangels

I've known my T for 4 years, worked with her for almost 3 combined. I never cried until recently. There were so many sessions where I thought "I'm so going to cry"... But for me, crying does not feel ok. For me it makes me feel weak. Not weak in the sense other people use the word, but weak in terms of : my defenses come down, I feel helpless, I feel vulnerable. I finally cried a few weeks ago. I'm still in a major bout of depression and now I continue to cry in session. It happens when the time is right... I believe that. Now I do wish I could make it stop

Thanks for sharing this stormy! I'm sorry to know about your major bout of depression I'm in a bout right now, hoping it doesn't become a major bout...

Originally Posted by KazzaX

How about watching a movie before you go to T that is one of those "makes you cry from start to finish" type of movies? Then when you go you are already in a crying mood. I dunno, just a whacky idea that came up just now, lol

Is crying important though? I have cried in many therapy sessions and it has no healing qualities. You just end up sitting there looking like a fool in front of the T, so it makes coming back next week a bit harder. If it had some kinda therepeutic value I could understand but it does not seem to.

Thanks for the suggestion Your take on crying not being therapeutic is interesting. I hadn't considered that. As far as looking like a fool in front of T, I already do that without crying...

Originally Posted by kiki86

i have rarely cried in therapy. i've let couple of tears slip out a few times but i suck it in, so to speak. the only time i properly let go and bawled was when i found out that my T would be leaving for a new rotation elsewhere. the team thought i knew but i didn't and it was such a shock that i didn't have the control to hold back. i'd like to be that close to my feelings more often but i don't know how to do that.

Yes, this is exactly the problem - I'm dissociated from my feelings. This is why it bothers me. How can I tear up at a fiction character's worrying about her father who is in remission, when I can't even cry about my own mom's cancer?

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

We (I) make crying into this big production, when it shouldn't be. If it happens it happens, but unless you are a manipulative drama queen (which I can tell you aren't), chances are you won't be able to force yourself into crying. Let it come when it comes. Why does it have to be in front of t?

You're right, there is no forcing... Honestly, it rarely comes as related to me - just in reaction to silly TV shows or something - so it's not even really a question of in front of T. I go so deep with her talking about my emotions, fears, etc., yet I am often dissociated from these.

[Towanda]

I've been seeing my T for six years and I've never cried in front of him. It took awhile but I finally figured out why. I trust him - he's a wonderful T - very warm, caring, empathetic - I'm able to be totally vulnerable with him. But he has a strict "no touch" policy. Which means that if I cried in session, all he would do is be with me, talk softly - no holding, no touch, no physical comfort. And this would be too close for comfort to the way I was treated, and neglected by my dad

The thought of crying in front of T, and having him sit and look at me, no matter how caring and empathetic he is, is more vulnerability than I am willing to open up to. So, sharing grief in session is probably never going to happen.

Originally Posted by Towanda

I've been seeing my T for six years and I've never cried in front of him. It took awhile but I finally figured out why. I trust him - he's a wonderful T - very warm, caring, empathetic - I'm able to be totally vulnerable with him. But he has a strict "no touch" policy. Which means that if I cried in session, all he would do is be with me, talk softly - no holding, no touch, no physical comfort. And this would be too close for comfort to the way I was treated, and neglected by my dad

The thought of crying in front of T, and having him sit and look at me, no matter how caring and empathetic he is, is more vulnerability than I am willing to open up to. So, sharing grief in session is probably never going to happen.

Thanks for your post, Towanda. This was exactly a reason that made it hard for me to be able to cry. My T does hug me at the end but said early on that she doesn't hug during sessions as a rule. After a session when I was so close to tears but couldn't I emailed afterward and said that one big obstacle to crying was that I'd feel so alone and vulnerable citing that she wouldn't comfort me. She let me know that while she doesn't hug people during sessions as a rule, she does make an exception if they are crying and if it would be helpful to them. So this obstacle is therefore out of the way for me, but still no tears... I really thought that this would be the clincher for me.

[kiki86]

Yes, this is exactly the problem - I'm dissociated from my feelings. This is why it bothers me. How can I tear up at a fiction character's worrying about her father who is in remission, when I can't even cry about my own mom's cancer?

because crying for someone who isn't real is safe, it's controlled. you might be scared that if you tapped into those emotions for your mum or other real things that you won't be able to stop. that it'll be too much.

Originally Posted by kiki86

because crying for someone who isn't real is safe, it's controlled. you might be scared that if you tapped into those emotions for your mum or other real things that you won't be able to stop. that it'll be too much.

Yes, you're absolutely right. and this is why the time thing is an obstacle for me. I am scared that I'll start and then won't stop.

I just got back from an appt and this is what happened. I actually was closer inside to crying than I've ever been. I was feeling something/emotions on the inside (rather than complete dissociation), but we literally had 8 minutes left. It was a strange pull for me - I'd been working for months on trying to feel those emotions and let myself be attached to them, but I knew that I couldn't let myself start because I had to compose myself enough to get to my car and my T doesn't like to run over. I told her that I was close to tears and it almost felt hard to stop, rather than to start. She offered that I could take some tissues and cry in my car. I also knew that by hugging her when leaving that it would push me in the direction of crying, so I had to guard myself against that. It was hard and I almost started crying a couple of times (I could get my iPad into my backpack - I'd had it out to show her my HW - and I was frustrated and dazed), but I didn't. I got to my car and I just felt heavy. I guess I pushed it in and though I still feel dazed (1.5 hr after our appt ended) and 'heavy' emotionally, no tears... Sometimes the arbitrariness of the T relationship is frustrating, I mean that there aren't such strict time boundaries around the time we spend with others. Maybe this is just another excuse, though? I wish that today it would have happened and now I'd feel like i'm forcing myself or something.

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

However, today I have had tears rolling down my cheeks 2 times for inconsequential (to me, at least) things: the PSU announcement (I am not a CSA victim) and a silly TV show. But, things about my own life that are painful to ME every day--difficult family relationships, loneliness, mental illness--I can't seem to cry about.

Any thoughts?

I had a similar conversation with my T. My T and I discussed how I will cry for other peoples situations but not for my own. That is a really great thing to discuss.

[kiki86]

i know that feeling of emotional heaviness you're talking about. it's horrible. i'm not sure what you can do. i know that when i go to sessions i start off being bright and bubbly, maybe because i'm glad the session is finally here and because i like T but maybe if both of us were to spend 15 minutes before the session thinking about emotional things then we'd be closer to expressing them by the time we get into the room? i dunno. i might try doing that and see what happens.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

My T and I discussed how I will cry for other peoples situations but not for my own.

what a great insight!!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I have cried in many therapy sessions and it has no healing qualities. .

i think it does, chemically; that's why we have tears, i believe. I've seen some research papers on that before. could you maybe look it up KazzaX?

for me crying in session is definitely a pressure relief.
If I can't cry, the tension builds up unbearably (sadness, grief, fear, you name it).
If I can cry, it's better.
Often the tears just roll out; just a couple of times I have boohooed, and although at the moment it feels just miserable, it gives a voice to the emotion, and I do think it's better than the internal pressure buildup (does this make sense I hope?)

one thing about crying for me - I never look at T at those times - if I did, no tears would come out I'm sure.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I had a similar conversation with my T. My T and I discussed how I will cry for other peoples situations but not for my own. That is a really great thing to discuss.

Thanks, Readytostop, I think so, too. Because it's about more than crying. It's about trust, vulnerability, reaching into the deeper parts of oneself - in ways a metaphor for our whole therapy experience.

Originally Posted by kiki86

i know that feeling of emotional heaviness you're talking about. it's horrible. i'm not sure what you can do. i know that when i go to sessions i start off being bright and bubbly, maybe because i'm glad the session is finally here and because i like T but maybe if both of us were to spend 15 minutes before the session thinking about emotional things then we'd be closer to expressing them by the time we get into the room? i dunno. i might try doing that and see what happens.

it does feel horrible... yesterday I felt the heavy thing softening--really "mushying" is how my insides felt, but then we had to stop - and she gave me an 8 minute warning, so I was having to force myself to stop. By the time that I got to the car and the rest of the night, heavy again.

I like what you suggested before appts--thanks! Sometimes, but not each time, I do try to read what I've written (emails, homework) just before sessions, but it's not systematic enough. I need to think of my appt starting 15 mins before the actual time and sit in the waiting room (or my car) doing this reading. We do start off each session with a meditation--she leads us in this--which does help a little with putting me more in touch with my feelings, but still not quite enough.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

i think it does, chemically; that's why we have tears, i believe. I've seen some research papers on that before. could you maybe look it up KazzaX?

for me crying in session is definitely a pressure relief.
If I can't cry, the tension builds up unbearably (sadness, grief, fear, you name it).
If I can cry, it's better.
Often the tears just roll out; just a couple of times I have boohooed, and although at the moment it feels just miserable, it gives a voice to the emotion, and I do think it's better than the internal pressure buildup (does this make sense I hope?)

one thing about crying for me - I never look at T at those times - if I did, no tears would come out I'm sure.

thanks for this, SAWE. I think I wrote about that I literally shed one tear last Friday and I think that this was in part because she was hugging me and therefore not able to look at my face. Yesterday being close to real tears I felt good, frustrated that it couldn't come, but releasing of some of the "internal pressure," which totally makes sense.