crappy week

Hey all. I just really need to type this rant out, so if I tend to irritate you, just take a pause and don't read this. (I am honestly trying to be less irritating) The last thing I want to do is frustrate anyone.

Had a tiff with mother on Sunday which resulted in a plethora of phone calls from siblings. I finally set my phone to stun yesterday afternoon and only answered calls from H and kids. The issue with my mom is that she won't tell me she is pissed at me, its a passive aggressive round-about way of letting me know she's upset. Sighs, abruptness, silent treatment...etc. I have yet to figure out why she's angry. (she told my sibs that I was angry with her).

We purchased a new throw rug late last week and I have been ill ever since. I didn't realize until Monday that it was the carpet fumes making me sick. Of course no one believes the carpet is making me ill.

I saw my oncologist at the Breast Cancer center for a follow-up that was actually supposed to be done back in April, but my anxiety kept me from getting there. She went into a half hour rant about my weight. The nurse had misweighed me and written down an weight that was 75lbs more then what I am. After I figured out why the doc was ranting I asked to be re-weighed and she corrected it. I am about 35-40 lbs overweight, so I deserved the lecture...but it really made me feel fat and ugly. She also made a comment that my reconstructed breasts were "huge" which was devastating. (I hated my body before the breast cancer, I loathe it now)

Then I saw T yesterday, and he suggested I go back on meds. WTF? After everything I have been thru to get off of them (which he knows) why the hell would he even go there? Frustrating. I know I need to switch t's, but when I write a pro and con list the pro side is much longer. I think this particular subject is a deal breaker though. The thought of starting over is just too much, so I am going back to plan A, and that is no t.

I am in a crappy state. I start a residential program next week (I hope) and I will go from there. But right now, this sux. I am feeling really lost and alone.

Wikid, I don't have any wise words or advice for you, but I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry you're going through all these crappy things all at once.

You are not at all irritating or frustrating, it sounds like you are having a really rough deal right now and have every reason to feel as you do.

I hope the residential programme next week is beneficial - sound interesting, I wonder whether you know much about what the week will be like?

Take care, I am sorry it sounds so tough right now. Soup

Wow - that does sound like a crappy week. I am horrified the doctor (I hate them by the way) was such an asshole to you. They do not get to rant at you. It is not their position or place to do so. Ranting and lecturing is not their right. There is no call for that. You do not deserve it at all. And your therapist really does not listen to you - sorry.
I hope you can start your program soon.

Wikid, I am hoping the residential program is great and gives you the tools you need to see how amazing you, and how much better you deserve than you are getting from your mom and siblings.

I am so sorry that you're going through so many crappy things.

I don't really have any words, just hugs What that doc said to you is unacceptable, though; and I can't believe you're still going through the same deal with the T. I hope your new programme helps you out a bit

((((((((Wiki)))))))) you are allowed to rant and not feel okay. you deserve better than what you are receiving. i would probably wait to start the meds after starting the program next week. it may be just the answer you are looking for....
sending tons and tons of safe hugs

Wiki, you are not irritating. I'm surprised the oncologist would be so harsh. Adjusting to life after a serious illness is difficult. Survivors need support not to be torn down.
Oh IMO "huge" is in the eyes of the beholder when it comes to breasts. And who says "huge" is bad anyway.

Don't let one person's comments drag your self esteem through the mud.

Hang in there...I'll be thinking of you.

Wiki-the doctor was out of line. They should not rant at you. You are having a lot of things going on right now. Hugs to you.

wow your doctor sounds like a real asshole. hasn't he ever heard of "health at every size"?

i'd get a new doctor if i were you. one who is a bit more sensitive. the comment about your breasts was way way out of line if you ask me.

as for your t, you say you make a pro and con list and the pro list is longer, but maybe you should be considering what each thing on the list means to you. like "close to home" is a pro but it doesn't cancel out "doesn't understand me" if you know what i mean?

I must concur ... I've never met a breast I didn't like.


And I would like to second this statement! Should have told her to F off, I hope she at least apologized after giving you "the what for" over her incompetent assistants mistake.

Ooo, your doctor is making me see red. I hate when physicians think that their degree and their supposed position of power gives them the right to be hurtful.

I'm sorry this is all hitting at once, Wikid. Any of those things by themselves would be enough to make it a crappy week, let alone all of them together. Please be gentle with yourself.

I agree with everyone, Wiki. If those things were happening to me, I'd feel crappy too. I'm sorry your dr. and T are a pain! I don't know what you should do, but maybe the program you're going to be in will help you and give you some direction.

Thanks Apt, your support means a lot.

I do know a bit. It's all women who experience PTSD symptoms...there will be 8 of us. T daily, pdoc 2x week, ed screening. There are groups all day, art therapy, group therapy and even a small amount of dbt. We will cook and clean as a group, and there is a town nearby for our downtime. There is a meditative garden, and beautiful grounds.

I didn't even think that I didn't deserve it...weird. I think you may be right...lightbulb.

Thanks MKAC!

pbutton, sannah..

I know. I took like a month off, and he seemed supportive when I came back. But my anxiety is quite bad and he is a one trick pony.

Thanks jb....there is no way I will go back on meds, but I think the program will help.

It's not bad, unless you freaking hate them. I really wish I hadn't been reconstructed.
Thanks TTGB...you are going thru so much yourself, your support means a lot.
yea kiki....I will switch docs...there are more docs in the clinic, so it shouldn't be hard. It's just she (like my t) has been thru a lot with me, and it is so hard to start over. I can do it though.
Well you haven't met my frankenstien boobs...lol.
You know...she didn't apologize. stupid doc.
Thanks critter. When you put it that way, I guess it is a lot.

Thanks Rainbow..I appreciate it.

You are all very kind, thanks for the support and love.

I just say I know and I don't want to hear it. Damn People!

thanks lostin08

Wiki,