[SoupDragon]

I have had such a bad week, lots of stuff going on that I have found really difficult.

I was all over the place with my feelings, distraught, angry, numb, but then I suddenly realised something that T has been trying to get me to understand and that was that my emotions were not about the things that were happening, but because my life wasn't how I wanted it to be. It was that, that I was angry and sad about.

I suddenly understood that life is how it is, sometimes it it easy to be with, sometimes difficult - sometimes it is not how we want it to be and that is what I must focus on. Not being angry with everyone else for making my life difficult, but realising this is about my reaction to it and moving towards acceptance.

It feels a little odd in my head, like I still want to blame everyone else for ruining my life and making me feel like I do - but I see now that thinking in that way does not help me move forward, but accepting my emotions as "my stuff" is what will eventually lead me to being more peaceful.

Thank-you T

[Perna]

Great insight! I believe emotions go along with thoughts (they're uncontrollable too) to help us understand the things that happen. We want to know what we like, don't like, hurts, etc. but don't necessarily want to act on things that way.

This is so important to learn. Good insight!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I suddenly understood that life is how it is, sometimes it it easy to be with, sometimes difficult - sometimes it is not how we want it to be and that is what I must focus on. Not being angry with everyone else for making my life difficult, but realising this is about my reaction to it and moving towards acceptance.

Amazing insight!

[Wren_]

I hear you ... becoming stronger somehow
((((soup))) thanks for sharing this

[AngelWolf3]

That is great that you figured that out, and I am glad you shared, because now maybe it will help me have a little insight about why I am all over the place too, especially angry. Thanks!

[missbelle]

Big Book Third addition
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.... I could not stay .......; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

This is from Alcoholics Annoymous's Big Book. I keep this as my favorite on my computer and when I start to get angry and ungreatful I pull this up. It literally saves me!!

Good going Soup. Proud of you!

[Butterflies Are Free]

Great post - I am reading a book by Tara Brach right now called, Radical Acceptance that talks about some of this.

[Dreamy01]

Really great post thanks.

[SoupDragon]

Wow - I have been blown away by all your comments - thank-you so much - it was a real light bulb moment for me, yet I know that insight will come and go until it can fit really neatly into my chaotic head.

I don't know how many of you know I did that solitary retreat 2 weeks ago, when I did 30 minutes of meditation 6 times per day - I am wondering if that has helped me more than I realised - at times it seemed a real struggle to sit for half an hour, but maybe that stuff does work afterall in clearing the mind and helping focus.

I am for some reason scared to share this with T tomorrow - hmm, wonder why?

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Wow - I have been blown away by all your comments - thank-you so much - it was a real light bulb moment for me, yet I know that insight will come and go until it can fit really neatly into my chaotic head.

I don't know how many of you know I did that solitary retreat 2 weeks ago, when I did 30 minutes of meditation 6 times per day - I am wondering if that has helped me more than I realised - at times it seemed a real struggle to sit for half an hour, but maybe that stuff does work afterall in clearing the mind and helping focus.

I am for some reason scared to share this with T tomorrow - hmm, wonder why?

Soup, what great insight you have and great responsiblilty to fess up to your own actions and emotions and own them. I said to my now ex, that she made me angry one day and that I went home and got annoyed at her. Then I realised I wasn't mad at what she did, I was mad because I was ashamed at myself and ashamed st my behaviour, she just tried to get that anger out. When I told her how, I wasn't angry at her just ashamed of my behaviour(I did something totally out of character and she brought it saying, how could I be shy if I did that) She was so proud that I was able to own my emotions and not blame her and said I had come a long way since we first met, so congratulations Soup for working through YOUR issues.
AS for the meditation, I cannot speak for everyone but I know for me it helps with my anger. It makes me really calm and gives a sense of clarity and helps see things I wouldn't have seen before. I was always stressed but not anymore, I was a people pleaser but now I please myself. I sit with myself for 30 minutes a day, just me and my thoughts and it really helps.. Like you I couldn't stand to be alone before, I hated my own company, now I love it.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by button30

Soup, what great insight you have and great responsiblilty to fess up to your own actions and emotions and own them. I said to my now ex, that she made me angry one day and that I went home and got annoyed at her. Then I realised I wasn't mad at what she did, I was mad because I was ashamed at myself and ashamed st my behaviour, she just tried to get that anger out. When I told her how, I wasn't angry at her just ashamed of my behaviour(I did something totally out of character and she brought it saying, how could I be shy if I did that) She was so proud that I was able to own my emotions and not blame her and said I had come a long way since we first met, so congratulations Soup for working through YOUR issues.
AS for the meditation, I cannot speak for everyone but I know for me it helps with my anger. It makes me really calm and gives a sense of clarity and helps see things I wouldn't have seen before. I was always stressed but not anymore, I was a people pleaser but now I please myself. I sit with myself for 30 minutes a day, just me and my thoughts and it really helps.. Like you I couldn't stand to be alone before, I hated my own company, now I love it.

Thanks button30 - I really respect your discipline in sitting for 30 minutes a day - I know I must get a regular practice together in order to move forward, but for whatever reason, I just don't make the time. It has been hard letting go, or unpinning my anger from those I have attached it to, I am absolutely amazed how far I have come in the 2 + years of seeing T.

There have been so many times when I have been ready to throw the towel in and T has managed to keep me engaged, this really has come from nowhere and has floored me in some ways - it feels like I have been clinging on to that side of the pool, too scared to let go and float without all that stuff that I have been so familiar with, I have been thinking maybe that is why I am scared of telling T, in case T gets me to swim further out - I think I just need to get a little more comfortable with this sudden shift first.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks button30 - I really respect your discipline in sitting for 30 minutes a day - I know I must get a regular practice together in order to move forward, but for whatever reason, I just don't make the time. It has been hard letting go, or unpinning my anger from those I have attached it to, I am absolutely amazed how far I have come in the 2 + years of seeing T.

There have been so many times when I have been ready to throw the towel in and T has managed to keep me engaged, this really has come from nowhere and has floored me in some ways - it feels like I have been clinging on to that side of the pool, too scared to let go and float without all that stuff that I have been so familiar with, I have been thinking maybe that is why I am scared of telling T, in case T gets me to swim further out - I think I just need to get a little more comfortable with this sudden shift first.

I can relate to your anger Soup as mine spurs mostly from attachment too and how the people I have attached to have hurt me terribly. T has helped me to realise that I have chose this pattern and sometimes I self sabotage, I have no idea why I do this as she terminated with me before getting into it (another example of people I attach to hurting me).
We and only we are in control of our lives and the choices we make directly affect our lives, its not that its my fault this happened to me but I have to take respnsibility for my choices...I dont know if this makes any sense to you Soup, but sometimes you have to leave the paddling pool and plunge into the deep end to float on your own and feel free.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by button30

I can relate to your anger Soup as mine spurs mostly from attachment too and how the people I have attached to have hurt me terribly. T has helped me to realise that I have chose this pattern and sometimes I self sabotage, I have no idea why I do this as she terminated with me before getting into it (another example of people I attach to hurting me).
We and only we are in control of our lives and the choices we make directly affect our lives, its not that its my fault this happened to me but I have to take respnsibility for my choices...I dont know if this makes any sense to you Soup, but sometimes you have to leave the paddling pool and plunge into the deep end to float on your own and feel free.

Yes it makes total sense - this week I have endured something that I was absolutely terrified of and was the main thing I first started seeing my T for - all this time I have been in that paddling pool, but this week I was plunged well and truly into that deep end and for a while I felt like I was drowning, but eventually I found I could float and I do now feel free.