[granite1]

so in T today we actually ended up talking about my grandfather. i told her about how the mother was angry with me because i didn't care that he was dead.my T asked me more about this and i told her i didn't have any reaction at all about him dying.she asked me how old i was and i thought about it and couldn't remember but i guessed i was in school so thought i was about 7 or 8.she said i was young and children of that age doesn't understand the concept of death and the mother interrupted this understanding by making it all about her. i kind of accepted it.but tonight i was curious about how old i really was and remembered i had my grandmothers bible with all the dates in it .as it turns out i wasn't 7 or 8 but i was 13 years old.i am kind of freaking.13 is old enough to understand death.i now fear that i was already dead inside at this age and didn't have the capacity to care about someone i cared about dying.i had already shut out any emotions i may have ever had . i wish i could tell my T this but i wont because of many reasons.i don't think she will believe me that i felt nothing so why bother telling her,i don't want her to think i lied about it to begin with. I'm scared to deal with that time in my life and how i was.etc..... I'm kind of freaked out.this conversation was not a big deal i was just sharing something about my life in a way i thought it was something nice because i loved my grandfather.I'm confused.maybe i shouldn't care but am freaking out about not even feeling anything at that age.

[sesame]

Not everyone has experience with death at that age. I definitely don't think that you didn't care. You clearly loved him, and he was important to you. Sometimes when you haven't dealt with it before, it's hard to understand someone being there but being "gone." That feeling is strange, overwhelming, and scary. There isn't any single best way that you're supposed to behave. Everyone deals with situations like this differently. It doesn't mean that you were "dead inside."

I don't think anyone, especially your therapist, would hold any of these thoughts or feelings against you.

[~EnlightenMe~]

People respond differently to deaths, including children and 13 year olds. Maybe the death was too painful for you so you dissociated it? Just a thought. Any way you felt then is okay. We don't choose our feelings. You might have been afraid, depressed, in a stage of grieving, anything really. Think if this was happening to another 13 you know, what would you think of her? You are doing great working through difficult memories. Such courage! TAke care.

[CantExplain]

If you didn't feel anything, then that's just the way it was.
I certainly don't think any less of you.

[Luce]

You don't necessarily have to do anything with this new insight, Granite. You can be curious about it and explore it more, or just acknowledge it and put it aside for some other time (or not). You can tell T about it, or you can shelve it. If you decide not to look at it for now, you can look at it at any time in the future (if you choose to!)

No, you are not a horrible person.
You were a kid, trying to do the best with what you were given.
Be gentle with you.

[Nightlight]

You're not the only one. I consider myself to be a very caring person, but I think as a child I learned to keep myself very distant from everyone so I wouldn't get hurt. I don't remember being negatively affected by people dying as a child, including when it was a step parent. How awful is that? As a teenager when a couple of (not so close) friends my own age died, I thought I felt sad for their close friends and family, but it was like the sadness didn't even touch me. Although that was just how I felt as a child and I can't change that, things began to change themselves when I reached early 20's. I'm not sure what shifted, but feeling that way as a child certainly doesn't mean that the emotions are gone forever.

I also have trouble telling when things happened to me as a child, and most things I talk about are approximate ages, because I'm always guessing, even when it comes to things like the death of a close relative.

[Victoria'smom]

At 29 yrs old I still don't have a "proper" response to death, even people close to me. my response generally is "Oh they are gone now." I know people find it strange but I'm able to lighten the mood and help others grieve.

[gothika123]

I happen to be a 13 year old girl and my mom told me about birth when I was 4. And no she didn't say the clean version to birth she said every freakin detail>

I lost a dear Aunt when I was 13. I only truely felt her going this yr in therapy as I talked about it with T. It wasn't safe as a child to feel emotion because like you my step mother stole my emotions and used them against me.

[WikidPissah]

((granite)) 13 is a rough age for anyone, even more so when you are in the constant abuse you were in. Earthmamma is right, it wasn't safe for you to show emotions back then, your mother would have used them against you. Be kind to yourself, maybe you are starting to grieve now.

[unaluna]

exactly what I was going to say. the mother had no boundaries, she was getting into your ***** in a horrible way. I wonder if age 7 felt like a safer time? when did you start building your imaginary world? maybe that's why you said 7. anyway, you always make such excellent use of your time in session, each one is like a work of art. but that's because your t is able to match you in that intensity. on the other hand, my brain is like a sandy beach...

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I lost a dear Aunt when I was 13. I only truely felt her going this yr in therapy as I talked about it with T. It wasn't safe as a child to feel emotion because like you my step mother stole my emotions and used them against me.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

((granite)) 13 is a rough age for anyone, even more so when you are in the constant abuse you were in. Earthmamma is right, it wasn't safe for you to show emotions back then, your mother would have used them against you. Be kind to yourself, maybe you are starting to grieve now.

These things bear repeating because I believe 100% that they are true. I guess most every memory I have I am "about 10 or 11," which can't possibly be true! And I have never even been abused, so...there ya go

Originally Posted by hankster

exactly what I was going to say. the mother had no boundaries, she was getting into your ***** in a horrible way. I wonder if age 7 felt like a safer time? when did you start building your imaginary world? maybe that's why you said 7. anyway, you always make such excellent use of your time in session, each one is like a work of art. but that's because your t is able to match you in that intensity. on the other hand, my brain is like a sandy beach...

warm and so wonderful to relax on?

[Chopin99]

I feel like I have not yet mourned the deaths of my grandparents, which occurred at the ages of 20, 22, 30, and 31. My T said I may have already processed my maternal grandfather's death without really mourning; simply because of the circumstances of his death (cancer all over his body), it was a relief. I probably didn't really mourn my paternal grandfather's death because I really didn't know him. We haven't discussed my grandmothers yet.

Everybody processes things differently. Don't feel bad, granite.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I feel like I have not yet mourned the deaths of my grandparents, which occurred at the ages of 20, 22, 30, and 31. My T said I may have already processed my maternal grandfather's death without really mourning; simply because of the circumstances of his death (cancer all over his body), it was a relief. I probably didn't really mourn my paternal grandfather's death because I really didn't know him. We haven't discussed my grandmothers yet.

Everybody processes things differently. Don't feel bad, granite.

were you close with your grandmother . i think i was only close to my grandfarther.my grandmother was more like the mother. my grand pa always hugged me and told me stories .he was the best grand pa ever.

Originally Posted by granite1

were you close with your grandmother . i think i was only close to my grandfarther.my grandmother was more like the mother. my grand pa always hugged me and told me stories .he was the best grand pa ever.

My great grandfather was the closest male in my life. I loved him and he loved me. He took me to farmers market with him (just he and I) and paid me to drive tractor during harvest. He even bought me compound W, because as a child I had 20 some odd warts all over my hands...nobody cared , but he did when we talked about it one day. He was also the first death of a family member that I really knew and cared about, I never mourned it...I still have his hats hanging in my wo"man" cave. I think i was 18 or so when he passed, I don't think i went to the funeral either. Doesn't matter, I prefer to keep his memory alive in my mind, because he loved me unconditionally. I understand Granite.

[sconnie892]

(((Granite)))
I was very close with my grandma. We never had babysitters. We just had grandma come over. I miss her all the time. She died when I was 19 and away at college. My dad wouldn't let my mom call me to tell me she was in the hospital or dying. I was never given the opportunity to try and get home to see her one last time. I did go to the funeral, but the anger I harbor against my dad for not telling me is still there. He died a few years later and it was a completely different grief. It was almost a relief when he passed. I think we process each grief differently and that is completely okay.

Like Lola, I prefer to keep my grandma's memory alive. I have a book she wrote for me and I will often read it and think about her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

My great grandfather was the closest male in my life. I loved him and he loved me. He took me to farmers market with him (just he and I) and paid me to drive tractor during harvest. He even bought me compound W, because as a child I had 20 some odd warts all over my hands...nobody cared , but he did when we talked about it one day. He was also the first death of a family member that I really knew and cared about, I never mourned it...I still have his hats hanging in my wo"man" cave. I think i was 18 or so when he passed, I don't think i went to the funeral either. Doesn't matter, I prefer to keep his memory alive in my mind, because he loved me unconditionally. I understand Granite.

my grand pa loved me unconditionally also.i have so many dear memories of him and i. the stories he told me and the hugs .i use to tease him because he always had dirty legs (because he didn't shave lol).i didn't really think aboput our relationship untill i had my son and realized how much my son was missing out on not being able to get to know him and what a wonderful man he was

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

(((Granite)))
I was very close with my grandma. We never had babysitters. We just had grandma come over. I miss her all the time. She died when I was 19 and away at college. My dad wouldn't let my mom call me to tell me she was in the hospital or dying. I was never given the opportunity to try and get home to see her one last time. I did go to the funeral, but the anger I harbor against my dad for not telling me is still there. He died a few years later and it was a completely different grief. It was almost a relief when he passed. I think we process each grief differently and that is completely okay.

Like Lola, I prefer to keep my grandma's memory alive. I have a book she wrote for me and I will often read it and think about her.

sconnie i'm sorry you never got to say goodbye to your gramd ma .she sounds like a very special person and another who loved uncondiditonally.i think it is so awsome she spent that time to care for you when you were growing up.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by velcro003

my brain is like a sandy beach - warm and so wonderful to relax on?

no, I mean, unsteady, shifting, just runs through your fingers, and probably lots of hidden catpoop

granite, i glad you have such happy memories of your grandpa. for me and my sister, it was our grandma.

[stopdog]

I don't think therapist expect clients to recount in a super accurate, no misrembering way. People are not good at accurate factual recounts. There are studies done on this. I would be quite shocked if the therapist gave it a second thought.

[pbutton]

Granite, I have gone in and told T that I PURPOSELY lied to him in a prior session. Not made a mistake like you did, but told a lie because I didn't want to tell the truth. He was TOTALLY fine with it & proud that I was able to tell him the truth.