[Chopin99]

I was determined my day was going to be good, despite everything.

I usually enjoy a later work schedule; 11am-??; usually 6 or 7pm. This morning I had to be in at 7am to observe in one of my group homes. Determined to be confident and give staff the truth. The observation went well. I was able to give negative and positive feedback and the staff were receptive. *Pat on back*

I had to be at a provider meeting at 10am. Got there on time. Determined to pay attention. At 11:40, I texted my boss to ask if I could leave. Absolutely nothing pertained to us as a facility. He said yes, so I left. *Pat on back*

Picked up lunch and went to the office. Determined to be positive and get stuff done. Then the program director in our satellite office emailed trying to get around the hiring process I set up. Called boss, we did a speakerphone conversation with the director where I confidently stated what he did and did not need to do. When I emailed the director the list (cc'ing 4 other people), he emailed me and the 4 cc'd people backing me up. *Pat on back*

Went to therapy. Told T about the work problem above and my dinner with a new friend (and that it went well). Then I delved into my work with The Emotionally Absent Mother. I had decided to start with the exercise about the messages I received from my mother. I had actually gone over this last session, but I had done it properly this time where I recorded how I felt physically related to each one. I told her that overall, it made me anxious. T said it's because I've avoided it for so long, it was taking a risk, and it was the response she would expect of anyone. I said to myself (but aloud) as I started, "Don't be afraid."

T replied, "I'm not," and laughed...and it pissed me off no end.

As much as I wanted to choke her in that moment in time, I can't believe what I asked next. I asked her to sit with me on the loveseat. She did. So I went through the exercise. T listened until I got to #8.

"You can rest in me when hell freezes over." I said this one made me almost have a panic attack; I felt shortness of breath, chest tightness, queasiness, and shaking. T asked why I thought that one bothered me more than the others. I said off the cuff, I wasn't sure of any deep answer, but the thought of being in my mother's nervous energy is very unpleasant. That I cannot imagine Mom being a safe place because she was unpredictable; if I ever did let go, I had to immediately be on guard.

I went on to the last one: "I enjoy you, you brighten my heart when you are perfect." I said this made me angry and sad...that I still keep up the "perfect daughter" facade.

T asked me what would happen if I didn't keep up the facade. I said in the past when I wasn't perfect there were a lot of anger, tears, or ignoring on Mom's part and mine. She asked, if at this point in my life, what if they weren't proud of me. What or would there be a difference. Why do I still keep up the facade. I said I wasn't sure, but it was all I know...and I should change it. I said that I did "buck" against my parents 4 years ago when I told my mom I was bisexual and had a 5-year affair with a woman. T thought I was throwing it in their face; that I knew they would hate this. It was the first time I had power. She went on to say that Mom in her depression wanted what she thought was better than what she had or did. After a bit of discussion, she asked if I was starting to have any compassion for my mom. I said I don't really blame her for what happened; she did the best she could with what resources she had, but that I am realizing my relationship with my mom is a very deep dark wound.

T said that Mom was depressed, distant, overprotective, and overbearing and most of that came from her depression. It's hard to be a healthy person, much less a healthy mother with depression. Then she asked, prefacing that she was just talking off the top of her head, what am I holding onto related to that wound? I said I didn't know, that I didn't want to hold onto anything. She stated that we don't, but for some reason, we tend to. She said she thought I should ponder it, but not obsess on it. Basically, it's a question I should ask myself and let God answer. She said sometimes we don't want the answers to questions because we won't like those answers, but it's something we have to face. We have to look for the good, bad, and ugly.

I told T I still felt the sadness and I just wanted it out. She replied that sadness can mask resentment and anger. I said it's easier for me to deal with resentment and anger than sadness. She said anger is a secondary emotion that masks primary emotions such as sadness.

She went on to say that we wonder what part we played in situations ourselves and in my situation, it does no good to blame my mother and there's nothing to blame me for as I did nothing wrong. She wondered what part am I playing in keeping this alive; that sometimes we get comfortable where we are, and if I let go and accept it, where will that put me in my relationship with Mom. That I have avoided an authentic relationship with Mom and I might find out that avoiding is not what I need to do.

I told T that what she was telling me sounded like this filtered through my distorted mind: "You need to just let it go and by not letting go, I'm doing the wrong thing." (side note in processing now...I didn't realize this in session: this is what Mom would say). T said in order to let it go I need to examine not only simply what went wrong, but also my beliefs, perspective, and expectations around the relationship. We believe it's safer to hold onto the hurt; that when I was very young, anxiety was instilled in me and it's hard to let go of something we've held for 30+ years. I explained further that I was hearing, "Letting go is easy. Why haven't you let go already?" (also a Mom statement not realized until now). T said, "Yes and no," which bothered me. She explained by saying it's easier than we make it out to be and that's true of people in general, but it's not that easy. It's something we have to decide to live like it's true, even if we don't believe it.

I explained that I took that advice about my self-worth and it took 4-5 months of me living like it was true for it to sink in that it was. In response, she asked, "So what are you holding onto?" The question made me angry because that sounded once again like, "It's easy. Why don't you know the answer?" (another Mom message) but I didn't tell T it bothered me. I said I didn't know and if I did know, "I'd tell you." She started to ask me if it was something, then said she wanted me to come up with it all by myself.

We didn't say anything for quite a while, then started to discuss Mom going on antidepressants. T wanted to clarify several things about Mom's age and depression, how she came to ask for help, how she's doing on the meds, etc. and I answered all her questions. We speculated on some things about her, but they aren't necessarily germane to the session other than it helped T understand and remember what I'd told her about Mom.

I said I thought we'd get farther than we did. She then accused me of talking about work to avoid the Mom stuff, which was absolutely untrue. I do have a tendency to do that, but I thought it was important this time because it affected my mood and was a good thing. However, as I examine this, it didn't really make me angry. I see why she'd think that.

She also wants me to keep working in The Emotionally Absent Mother this weekend. I see her on Tuesday.

Now that I've typed this out, I realize when I left, I thought T was being harsh and overbearing, but she really wasn't. She was actually rather compassionate. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not so angry anymore. I don't know exactly how I feel or who I feel it about. Maybe this is the dreaded therapy hangover people here keep talking about.

[CantExplain]

((Chopin))

SPECULATION:

You want your T to support you 100% against your Mom.
Even the slightest hesitation on her part makes you think she's siding with Mom, and you hate that. You feel betrayed. And from that point T can do nothing right.

PS: When I feel like that, I say I am paranoid. But my T saw only my anger, not my fear. I had to spell it out.

[Wren_]

from what you've said, this is going to be some of the most powerfully emotional stuff you've ever dealt with ... no wonder it's hard! it's such a massive mess of things for you to walk through and most likely going to bring all kinds of emotions to the surface and cause all kind of confusion; but from what you said writing about the time with T has helped and let you process things a bit

After reading this, the twisted part of me feels like maybe she was trying to trigger you a little bit on purpose in a gentle way to get your juices flowing when you work in the book some more. I have to figure out how to articulate what exactly I mean-then Ill try to respond again. Hugs hugs hugs.

[unaluna]

yeah I hate when they say, YOU have to figure it out. Don't they realize it can take some of us like 30 years? That's too slow! Well, maybe they DID say it, and I just couldn't hear it. Bear to hear it. Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe they were that dumb, that ignorant, that judgmental, that petty. But they (ie FOO) were. I kept thinking the T's were saying that I had to accept something about the FOO, something that would make me wrong and them right, but I couldn't accept that I was wrong, nor could I figure out wtf that resolution could possibly be!

I think your talking about work set the theme for the session, about being prepared for every eventuality, about handling everything perfectly - so why not THIS?

But how do you have an "authentic" r/s with someone who can only see you as a figment of their imagination? I always thought my mother was like Marilyn Monroe - she would transform herself for work every night, fix her hair and put on rouge and red lipstick and frankly be unrecognizable from what went INTO the bathroom an hour before. I think she's been waiting for my similar transformation, but I never became THAT person, that LADY-daughter she expected would hatch out of nowhere - maybe from reading a 'TEEN magazine

[granite1]

maybe working so hard on this book and in T is bringing up all these emotions up and you are having a hard time seperating them from feelings about your T. i know i would get all angry and mixed up.this is why i had to stop reading that book.

just wondering has your T ever read that book

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

SPECULATION:

You want your T to support you 100% against your Mom.
Even the slightest hesitation on her part makes you think she's siding with Mom, and you hate that. You feel betrayed. And from that point T can do nothing right.

PS: When I feel like that, I say I am paranoid. But my T saw only my anger, not my fear. I had to spell it out.

Yes, this. Exactly this. And more.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

from what you've said, this is going to be some of the most powerfully emotional stuff you've ever dealt with ... no wonder it's hard! it's such a massive mess of things for you to walk through and most likely going to bring all kinds of emotions to the surface and cause all kind of confusion; but from what you said writing about the time with T has helped and let you process things a bit

My biggest wound so far. Maybe my biggest wound period.

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

After reading this, the twisted part of me feels like maybe she was trying to trigger you a little bit on purpose in a gentle way to get your juices flowing when you work in the book some more. I have to figure out how to articulate what exactly I mean-then Ill try to respond again. Hugs hugs hugs.

And she may have been.

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah I hate when they say, YOU have to figure it out. Don't they realize it can take some of us like 30 years? That's too slow! Well, maybe they DID say it, and I just couldn't hear it. Bear to hear it. Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe they were that dumb, that ignorant, that judgmental, that petty. But they (ie FOO) were. I kept thinking the T's were saying that I had to accept something about the FOO, something that would make me wrong and them right, but I couldn't accept that I was wrong, nor could I figure out wtf that resolution could possibly be!

I think your talking about work set the theme for the session, about being prepared for every eventuality, about handling everything perfectly - so why not THIS?

But how do you have an "authentic" r/s with someone who can only see you as a figment of their imagination? I always thought my mother was like Marilyn Monroe - she would transform herself for work every night, fix her hair and put on rouge and red lipstick and frankly be unrecognizable from what went INTO the bathroom an hour before. I think she's been waiting for my similar transformation, but I never became THAT person, that LADY-daughter she expected would hatch out of nowhere - maybe from reading a 'TEEN magazine

OMG...you SO get it.

Originally Posted by granite1

maybe working so hard on this book and in T is bringing up all these emotions up and you are having a hard time seperating them from feelings about your T. i know i would get all angry and mixed up.this is why i had to stop reading that book.

just wondering has your T ever read that book

T has not read the book, but she has everything positive to say about it. I'm definitely projecting.

**********************************************

Thanks for all the hugs everyone; I'm not trying to be a drama queen about this, I try to be Ms. Got-it-all-together. However, I'm not. BTW, I had to remove y'all's hugs so I could hug y'all back.

Really funny aside:
I told T that my new friend and I were planning to visit a Buddhist monastery in the county I live the next time we get together. T gave me a derisive look asked me if it was "clothing optional." I told her no and asked her why on earth she thought that. She said she remembers her H used to joke about the naked Buddhists in Brunswick County.

I remembered a few minutes ago that there is a nudist colony in my county...which is totally different from Carolina Wat, the Buddhist monastery. I am truly . I can't stop laughing.

Hey T, just wanted to let you know that just because nudist and Buddhist rhyme, doesn't mean they're the same thing.

OMG, I'm .

Thanks again everyone.

[pbutton]

Nudist and buddhist. I'm laughing too.

[unaluna]

oh I would have to email her about THAT!

There once was in Brunswick a Buddhist
Who was also a practicing nudist
Till it came fall and winter
And froze ball and hinter
And so he converted to Jewish.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

oh I would have to email her about THAT!

There once was in Brunswick a Buddhist
Who was also a practicing nudist
Till it came fall and winter
And froze ball and hinter
And so he converted to Jewish.

I am going to email her...with your limerick!!!

[unaluna]

i'm flattered, but if she gets mad, it's on me. ps and thanks for the inspiration, that was FUN!

I had so much fun today, I went with friends to an outdoor lunchtime concert, and I saw a guy (who could be one of your clients? KWIM) that I used to see on the bus all the time, he's relatively high functioning. anyway, some kids were dancing, so he rushes out to the dance space, alone, so I joined him, and he's like all, "oh miss! oh miss!" and the guy who was shadowing him today thanked me and took our picture, and I sat down after a few songs but he's young and then the other kids welcomed him in. it was just wonderful. we're pretty good buds, but since my T schedule changed, I haven't seen him in a while. so a very artistic day for me.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

i'm flattered, but if she gets mad, it's on me.

She won't...I promise. It's actually right up her alley.

I'm still laughing.

[CantExplain]

Anyone who can use "germane" correctly without thinking is OK by me.
I think Hankster might agree.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Anyone who can use "germane" correctly without thinking is OK by me. I think Hankster might agree.

I liked my using hinter correctly, but I admit I did look it up to make sure, after I posted my poem. you read my mind.

[Chopin99]

I like germane and hinter. And can use them in a sentence!

One time at work in a staff meeting when ex-boss was away, I said that "*Ex-boss* may threaten termination all the time; but because I've worked here a long time, I can promise you it's an empty threat. That is, unless you do something especially egregious, then management has no choice."

I looked across the table at the people sitting on the other side. They looked like this:



Finally, one of the girls got the gumption to ask (and I'm proud to say she's in management now), "You realize nobody knows what that big word you said means."

So I had to explain how it meant something really really bad.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I like germane and hinter. And can use them in a sentence!

One time at work in a staff meeting when ex-boss was away, I said that "*Ex-boss* may threaten termination all the time; but because I've worked here a long time, I can promise you it's an empty threat. That is, unless you do something especially egregious, then management has no choice."

I looked across the table at the people sitting on the other side. They looked like this:



Finally, one of the girls got the gumption to ask (and I'm proud to say she's in management now), "You realize nobody knows what that big word you said means."

So I had to explain how it meant something really really bad.

[unaluna]

I wonder if they knew it meant really really bad - they just didn't know if it included what they did on their own time, like a morals clause. l0ve the

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

... She replied that sadness can mask resentment and anger. I said it's easier for me to deal with resentment and anger than sadness. She said anger is a secondary emotion that masks primary emotions such as sadness.

which is it.... ?

[WikidPissah]

Sorry you were triggered, I hope you work thru it quickly (actually, I know you will). I had to kind of skip thru your post, that book really triggers me.

[AngelWolf3]

Hankster, that limerick was so amazing!!! LOL!!!!

Chopin99, I understand how you feel. T and I are doing similar right now (only no book) and I had a rough time with it too; couldn't articulate how you did, but things you were saying about what your mom said sounds like what I went through (and am still dealing with) So... my point: I think you are processing very well and I am glad you are trying to work through this.

I too had to skip a bit after some of the phrases, but I am thinking of you and your Buddhist Nudists....teehee (had to lighten it back up there!)

[rainbow8]

Chopin, I agree with the others and you that you're getting into this really deep emotional stuff about your Mom and you're not going to feel better right away. It's hard work you're doing!! And doing it well!!!

Hankster, you made up that limerick? Amazing! I love it!!!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

I wonder if they knew it meant really really bad - they just didn't know if it included what they did on their own time, like a morals clause. l0ve the

They really didn't know the definition of the word. Most of our direct care employees are really good people, but don't posses a mastery of the English language.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

which is it.... ?

Not sure, but it's what she said. T is a bit ditzy at times, especially when she speaks without thinking much.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Chopin, I agree with the others and you that you're getting into this really deep emotional stuff about your Mom and you're not going to feel better right away. It's hard work you're doing!! And doing it well!!!

Hankster, you made up that limerick? Amazing! I love it!!!

Not easy. Not easy at all.

[unaluna]

thank you, fans wolfie & rainbow! then I looked up the rules for limerick-making, I took poetic license with one of them, that the first line is supposed to end in the geographical location; the other rule is that it be bawdy, I think I got that (un)covered but the facts just cried out for a limerick to be written, didn't they? thanks again, chopin!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

thank you, fans wolfie & rainbow! then I looked up the rules for limerick-making, I took poetic license with one of them, that the first line is supposed to end in the geographical location; the other rule is that it be bawdy, I think I got that (un)covered but the facts just cried out for a limerick to be written, didn't they? thanks again, chopin!

Yep...it's the one thing that makes me smile today. Thanks for that!